this lady doesnt quit!!

[sandy]

I posted several weeks ago about the slavedriver who traumatized my daughter making her do all this heavy cleaning,  and stuff. For any of you who followed this, this is something that I guess the only answer is probably to stay away from her, BUT my duaghter likes to play with her daughter.
Over the past week there was another but different, but almost equally offensive incident with this woman, she really has a screw loose somewhere. I wont bother to go into it, but I'm not sure how to go with this anymore. My daughte rlikes to be f riends with hers, however the mother is so controlling and overseeing of everything that even if she comes to our house, the mom somehow finds a way to be hurtful or rude. I suppose there's no one concrete answer for this, just wanting some input as far as balancing her desire to be friends with the other girl, versus the damage this woman and her husband do. When she just called over there and nicely asked to talk to the girl, the dad was very curt and sarcastic to her, they just arent nice people-- at all. Then she was supposed to call me if her daughter could play the next day, and she never did, and left us hanging, there's other stuff, but anyways, any thoughts on this?

[Athos_000]

I honestly think that for the (mental) safety of your daughter that you should limit the contact she has with this family. Eventually the friendship will probably fade on its own. It will be hurtful to the other child, but yours should never have to put up with that kind of craziness.

[Ohjustlovely]

"When she just called over there ..."

I thought you said the neighbors had no phone service?

Anyway, you could just tell your daughter, "You need to make some good choices, and I am only trying to help you from getting hurt."  And tell your daughter if she insists on being a friend, she can do that at school, or invite the neighbor's daughter to visit only at your house.  But under no circumstances will you permit her to go there for anything, including visits.

Sometimes we just have to avoid trouble.

[Lisbeth]

I think you should insist to your daughter that from now on, any get-togethers have to be at your house or on turf you control.

[Chocolate Cake]

I think this is a great opportunity to talk to your daughter about the cost of some friendships.   Be frank about what you see the other mother doing and why this concerns you.  Use plenty of examples and discuss why this other mother's behavior is wrong.
 
Since you say that the girl's mother is offensive even when the girl comes to your house to play, ask  your daughter to participate in protecting herself by agreeing to see this girl only at school.   Then, encourage your daughter to build new friendships or deeper friendships with other girls. 

[Bijou]

I posted several weeks ago about the slavedriver who traumatized my daughter making her do all this heavy cleaning,  and stuff. For any of you who followed this, this is something that I guess the only answer is probably to stay away from her, BUT my duaghter likes to play with her daughter.
Over the past week there was another but different, but almost equally offensive incident with this woman, she really has a screw loose somewhere. I wont bother to go into it, but I'm not sure how to go with this anymore. My daughte rlikes to be f riends with hers, however the mother is so controlling and overseeing of everything that even if she comes to our house, the mom somehow finds a way to be hurtful or rude. I suppose there's no one concrete answer for this, just wanting some input as far as balancing her desire to be friends with the other girl, versus the damage this woman and her husband do. When she just called over there and nicely asked to talk to the girl, the dad was very curt and sarcastic to her, they just arent nice people-- at all. Then she was supposed to call me if her daughter could play the next day, and she never did, and left us hanging, there's other stuff, but anyways, any thoughts on this?

This adult has the capacity to damage your child emotionally.  You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so I would not allow my child to have contact with those parents.  If their child wanted to come and visit, I may allow that, but turning my kid loose in the presence of these characters....uh-uh!

[minnaloushe]

My mother is insane.  I am not being funny or sarcastic.  She made my life hell and I ended up leaving home at 15. I'm telling you this because she did the same things to me and my friends that this woman is doing to her daughter and your own.

The only reason that I didn't kill myself as a youngster is that I had one friend that my mom couldn't control. Somewhere I could go and hide out, someone that didn't think there was something wrong with me, but that understood that it was my mom that had the issues.

I also had many many friends that would meet my mother and I would never see them again. One day we would be friends, the next day nothing. Or worse, they'd go and tell people and then no one would talk to me.  This made grade school unbearable, as you might imagine.

All I'm trying to say to you is please think about how your daughter would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.  If the reason she wasn't able to make (and keep) her own friends had nothing to do with her, but with you.  From everything you've said, this girl has done nothing untoward with regards to you OR your daughter, and yet you are going to punish BOTH of them because you don't like her mother. That's really not fair.  Please think about sitting down with this girl and letting her know your feelings.  If she decides it's too much work to be friends with your daughter because of the burden you put on their relationship, at least it will be her choice.

[caranfin]

I haven't seen your other post, so I don't know the history. But I do remember my own tender psyche being damaged by a cruel Girl Scout leader (who, in retrospect, wasn't really cruel, just impatient, easily annoyed, and not particularly fond of children). What these people say and do can hurt your daughter, and I would not allow her to be exposed to them.

However, it also goes the  other way - any positive influence you can add to her friend's life could make a huge difference. So, if at all possible, I would allow the girls to be friends as long as it always happens at your house.

[jfulle5]

I went back and read you last post. I really think you are being too nice to the mother. IMO I would have turned the car right around and given that lady a piece of my mind as soon as I had heard what my daughter said. Yes it would have been in front of guest, yes it would have been rude, but to let your child be, quite frankly, abused by this person is completely out of line. So what if it was in front of people, maybe they will learn the truth about them.

now on to this post:
-You do the only communication between the two houses, if they want to be rude, they can do it to you not your daughter.
-Only allow the girl to come over to your house, no more free labour.

Then again I'm a very confrontational person. I've very much got the "you mess with my daughter you mess with me" attitude. With some people it's the only way to get them to understand,you have to stand up and tell them exactly what is wrong (with the situation or them)

[DaeOne]

You should stop all interaction between this woman and your daughter. I know it will cause both girls to lose a friendship, but it's for the best.

When we were young, Mom would leave us with a good friend of hers while she worked. This friend would want to go see her "amour" (yet she was married, with kids) and would leave us with her sister, one of the most twisted women you've ever seen.

Twisted would sit us down in chairs, telling us not to move. If we even swatted a fly, she'd smack us, hard. She had us so terrorized, we couldn't even speak to our Mom about it. At last, Mom figured out something was wrong, and we stopped staying with her friend.

To this day, I harbor great anger toward Twisted, and to a lesser degree, Mom. (I did get my own back at Twisted a few years ago.)

Don't let your DD become resentful toward this woman, and by proxy, you. It isn't worth any friendship.

[ZipTheWonder]

All I know is that this friendship is not worth the price that your family is/will be paying.  I feel sorry for your daughter and for her friend....but I would not want these people involved in my child's life.

I know I'm telling you something you already know, and I'm sorry I can't offer anything helpful!

[JoyinVirginia]

HI Sandy,
The only advice I can give is to make sure all communication goes THROUGH you. Maybe you could call over and say your DD wants to talk to their daughter, is now a good time. you make the playdate arrangements. Maybe even you get on the extention when your DD is talking, with her knowing of course, so you can pipe up if the parents start to take over or say something rude or inappropriate. If the communication becomes too difficult, then you have to be honest with your DD. She can be friends with girl, but having playdate outside school is too difficult.

I did stop having my DD ask one friend over for playdates because the mother and aunt of the kid especially were just too flaky! They would say they would pick up kid at certain time, and then call an hour AFTER that time to say they were shopping in Far Away City and not be there to pick her up for several more hours; the aunt is always talking about her therapy and anxiety attacks and psych meds and got the kid talking about SHE must have anxiety attacks like aunt; my DD went over for a playdate and they ended up taking all the kids on back-to-school shopping expedition to busy, busy WalMart and took hours - you get the picture. DD liked the kid but I could not deal one. more. second. with the flaky behavior. So DD sees her friend in band and gym, sometimes they eat lunch together. you have to protect your child AND protect your sanity and temper!
Joy in Virginia

[IndianInlaw]

Can your daughter simply email her friend?