Etiquette advice on dealing with ex-friend

[cocacola35]

Or something like that!

J and I were practically best friends in high school.  We did practically everything together and shared a lot of good times.  Then came the my senior year, which had to have been worst year of my life.  It seemed that everything in my world was going wrong- I was having family troubles, drama with the ex-boyfriend, failing the SATs and fearing I would never go to college, etc.  As a result, I wasn't a very happy person then, but I tried hard not to take this out on everyone.  Well, during this time J practically ignored me.  She didn't talk to me or invite me to do things with our other friends.  Whenever I asked her if I had done something wrong, she would tell me nothing was wrong but continue to ignore me.  I finally told her how her behavior made me feel and asked her if she even cared about me.  She flat out told me that she didn't care about me or my problems- she just wanted to have fun.  This really hurt deaply since our friendship was very important to me and resulted in me having trust issues for a while afterward.  This was nine years ago and we haven't really spoken to each other since.

Every Christmas since then, J has been sending me Christmas cards.  She basically gives me an update on how she is doing, wishes me well and asks me to contact her.  I have never responded to her letters- in fact I threw the first two away without even reading them because I still felt so betrayed and angry.  Still J has been persistant- my parents moved last year and she took the trouble to actually look up their new address (she doesn't have mine) in order to send me a Christmas card.  I have since forgiven J and wish her well, but have never wanted to renew the friendship because I still remember how hurt her words made me feel.  Should I send a response back telling her this or just keep on ignoring her?  Or am I being childish for still being upset for something that happened nine years ago?

[freakyfemme]

*Hugs*  Of course you're not being childish by being upset, J acted callous and selfish and abandoned you in your time of need, didn't apologize or even give any inkling that she understood that she'd done something wrong, and now she just wants to resume a friendship with you like nothing ever happened, because you're all shiny and happy and perfect and back to normal now?  You don't owe her anything.

[brooklyngirl]

You are not being childish.  You needed J's support and she let you know she didn't care if you had problems.

I had a similar situation in my early 20's.  L and I were best friends from the time we were 7 years old...the kind of friends whose parents treat the other child like a surrogate daughter.  We did everything together.

As we got older, and our lives moved in different directions, she found some other friends and basically stopped caring if I was included in whatever she was doing. It hurt, but I didn't want to give up on such a longtime friendship.  We just had less and less contact.  Finally, one day I saw her in a supermarket.  She made a remark about the fact that I had stopped calling her, saying " you can't pick up a phone?".  Earlier, I might have made an excuse, but this time I just said "I guess I can't" and walked away, leaving her with her mouth hanging open.

I didn't speak to her for 12 years, although I was not that upset any more, since I had made new friends and moved on.  A couple of years ago, my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and passed away 5 months later.  L found out somehow, and called one of my friends, who called me and told me that L was very upset about the news.  He gave me her phone number.

I called her, and we had a nice talk, but knowing the type of person she is, I still don't want to renew the friendship.

You have to do what makes you happy and comfortable.  J showed her true colors when you needed her.  Don't feel guilty.  If you feel you need closure, you can send her a card wishing her well and leave it at that.  There's no need to suggest renewing the friendship.

[DaeOne]

No, you're being normal. Turn the other cheek is all well and good, and you've done just that. However, turning the other cheek doesn't include going back for more.

I've a "friend" who has a serious illness. I gave her much support over the last few years. She'd ask me to drive her to appointments, and I would agree. On the appointed day, I'd arrive to pick her up, and she'd inform me that someone was going to take her. This went on for a while, so I backed off. We'd still speak on the phone, yet it was me calling her.

Then, I was diagnosed with a serious illness, one which could very well rob me of one of my five senses. (Friend will die from her illness, though, so it is much more serious.) Not one call from friend, nothing. I am having to be very proactive in my health care right now, and just do not call anyone very much anymore.

I've come to the conclusion that some people think they should be only ones to feel a certain way, and if you can't add to that feeling, then they've no time for you.

I would write her back and inform her that you'd much prefer the letters and cards to stop. Wish her well in life, but suggest she leave you out of it.

[Lisbeth]

I agree with you-that since J has a history of callously dropping you and telling you that she doesn't care about your problems, her "friendship" isn't worth whatever you put into it.

I'd throw out the letters and stop taking her calls.

[pryncsskittyn]

You don't have to do anything.  This person has obviously burned more than just you over the years.  I'm guessing she's trying to hold on to something she's too self absorbed to realize hasn't been there for years.  I'd continue to ignore her personally.  If it hurts you too much to recieve the cards each year, bringing up old memories, just send them back, unopened.  All you have to write on the card is "Return to Sender" and give it to your mail carrier or drop it at a post office.  They don't need a reason to return mail if it's not opened.  She'll get the hint.

[Sterling]

You don't owe her anything.  however I do want to point out that 9 years after highschool she could be a very different person.  She could feel really bad about how she treated you.  But again it is up to you whether you want to speak to her to find out.

My BF from highschool dumped me as soon as I got married.  She was my MOH and a week later disappeared from my life.  I have seen her since then and she never speaks to me.  An old friend who still hangs out with her told me once that she feels guilty about the way she bailed, especially when she found out that my marriage fell apart.

If you still feel to hurt to talk to her just keep ignoring her. 

[pryncsskittyn]

My other response to this (now that I've thought about it).  Senior year in high school can be a very bad time in your life (as you well know).  Her comments back then might reflect on your opinion of her, but she might be a much better person these days. 
Maybe the card is her way of telling you she feels bad and is leaving you an option to re-kindle the friendship and open a door for her to appologize. I can understand that your still upset and do not want to walk back into this friendship.  I'm just trying to open a little insight to why she might still be sending cards.  Teen years can be really rough on people, the things they say can be hurtful and a lot of people grow into adults regretting the things they said and did.

I personally lost a lot of friendships in high school.  I was a scraggly looking kid who didn't care about her appearance and was often shunned by class mates and people who I thought were my friends.  I was picked on a lot and came out of high school shy and insecure.  Years of adulthood brought me out of that, I've since evolved into a mature, open, straightforward, and (not to be too egotistical here) pretty good looking human being.  When I go visit my hometown (it's a very small town and I live many miles away now) I often (too often) run into people who hurt me all those years ago.  Once they recognize me (and it usually takes a bit for it to hit) they'll gasp (usually followed by "Wow"), it's a common reaction and very self satisfying, I hope they remember how they treated me, and I surely hope it haunts them.  I haven't re-kindled any friendships myself, but notice a lot of people try.

[anonymousmac]

You don't have to do anything.  This person has obviously burned more than just you over the years.  I'm guessing she's trying to hold on to something she's too self absorbed to realize hasn't been there for years.  I'd continue to ignore her personally.  If it hurts you too much to recieve the cards each year, bringing up old memories, just send them back, unopened.  All you have to write on the card is "Return to Sender" and give it to your mail carrier or drop it at a post office.  They don't need a reason to return mail if it's not opened.  She'll get the hint.

You don't have to write back or be friends with her if you don't want to.  Personally, though, I wouldn't do a "Return to Sender" unless the person had done something truly awful and I wanted to make absolutely clear that I never wanted to speak to them again.  Returning gifts and letters like that is, I believe, one of the bigger guns of etiquette to use when someone's really stepped over the line.  I don't think it's meant to be used when people simply have personal differences and don't want to be friends anymore.

Personally, I would encourage you to consider trying again with her.  Good friends can be hard to find, and I know that I said stupid and self-absorbed things in high school that I'd hate to have held against me for the rest of my life.  She said something mean then, but you have a long history with her and she's shown that she still cares enough about you to keep trying to reach out to you all this time, so she may prove to be a friend worth having now.  If you give her another chance and she still treats you badly, then you can write her off without feeling guilty or wondering what might have happened.

Just my two cents...

[CocoCamm]

Im of the belief fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Thats not to say that I never give people a second chance, I just dont trust people a second time until they have proven to be trustworthy. Unfortunately in my experience people dont change.

[kingsrings]

If J has never apologized to you for the way you were treated, then I would suggest you not renew the friendship. Now it could be that she has no idea that what she did to you was so hurtful, but she should, and if she doesn't, then she's not a very conscientious person, which is another reason to not renew the friendship. I personally have no patience for the "I do not recall that" or "I had no idea it was that big of a deal" people.

[Buffy2424]

If it were me (and I've been there, similarly) I'd renew my acquaintance with her through friendly correspondence and updates.  A lot of us were silly high school girls, and things change.

I'm not saying, Invite her over! Go out to dinner with her!  Just that it's been awhile, and it's nice to be in light contact with old friends.  Especially if they live far away, ha.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I have since forgiven J and wish her well, but have never wanted to renew the friendship because I still remember how hurt her words made me feel.  Should I send a response back telling her this or just keep on ignoring her?  Or am I being childish for still being upset for something that happened nine years ago?

cocacola, you do not have to be friends with this woman.  If you truly dont want to hear from her, drop her a short note -"Thank you for your interest, but I have moved on.  Please stop sending me things."  If you truly dont care, just toss the letter when you get it. 

You definitely decide who to include in your life and who not to, and there is nothing that says that this woman needs to be allowed in at this point.  She may have changed, but it is up to you whether you want to find that out or not. 

I think that 9 years is a long time to still be upset over something as per your post, so I would suggest counseling to get over whatever anger you have left.  By this time, you should be able to recognize what happened to you as bad, the friendship as lost, and to not have it bother you when you think about it (except to say that it is too bad that you lost such a good friendship at the time).

[Buffy2424]

My guess is that this girl would feel presumptious apologizing out of the blue.  She's already sending christmas cards every year and wouldn't want to overestimate her impact on the OP.  

I received a sincere apology from a faraway college friend after she hurt and dumped me-- even that, after 4 years of no contact, was just so sudden.  I very much appreciate the thought (maybe she got her butt into AA) but it was a shocker.  After the dawn of adulthood + 9 years, someone may be unsure if the other person even gives a crap.

But anyway.  Etiquette-wise, most everyone is right: all you need to do is either politely acknowledge or continue to flatly ignore.   Either option is perfectly legit.  Sending a letter back explaining your reasons might be pushing it.  My advice is not to bother with that.

[CreteGirl]

My guess is that this girl would feel presumptious apologizing out of the blue.  She's already sending christmas cards every year and wouldn't want to overestimate her impact on the OP.  

I agree.  People change quite a bit in the 9 years after high school.  If she really was a good friend, maybe the OP should try renewing the friendship to see where it goes, while keeping in mind the friend's past actions, and moving carefully.

It does seem like the former friend is making a sincere effort to renew the relationship.