Etiquette advice on dealing with ex-friend

[caranfin]

She hasn't apologized, so either she feels she did nothing wrong, or she feels you should "get over it" without an apology or even admission of guilt on her part. Neither of those make her sound like someone I would want as a friend, whether she's had 9 years to grow up or 90. I'd toss her cards in the trash.

[goblue2539]

There is a reason to give her another chance.  A cautious, wary, keeping-an-eye-out chance, but a chance all the same.

Every Christmas since then, J has been sending me Christmas cards.  She basically gives me an update on how she is doing, wishes me well and asks me to contact her.  I have never responded to her letters- in fact I threw the first two away without even reading them because I still felt so betrayed and angry. 

There is no way of knowing if the much-needed apology was contained in either of those first two letters.  Only the OP can say if anything since then has implied a change in J.  But, if there's any reason to think she grew up, it might be worth finding out. 

Then again, it might not.  And OP, if you choose not to, don't feel bad.  It's your life, and you do decide who impacts it and who doesn't. 

[cocacola35]

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments ya'll.  I've definately have thought of the "growing years".  I know I'm not the same person I was in high school and she may not be either.  I also believe that her behavior was that of a typical, stupid, high school kid and admittedly I don't think any of my high school friends would have known how to deal with all the crap I was going through at that time.     

I think that 9 years is a long time to still be upset over something as per your post, so I would suggest counseling to get over whatever anger you have left.  By this time, you should be able to recognize what happened to you as bad, the friendship as lost, and to not have it bother you when you think about it (except to say that it is too bad that you lost such a good friendship at the time).

I believe I am over it because in my heart I know I've forgiven her and wish her happiness in her life.  In fact I don't even think about this until I get one of her letters; they just bring up the memories of our falling out and how much it hurt me.  In the past I'd just scan her message, throw it in the trash and forget about it after awhile.  What's making me feel different this year is I actually just got her Xmas letter yesterday since she had sent it to my parents old address, it got sent back to her and then she took the trouble to look up my parent's new address (she stated this in the letter).  Because she took the trouble to do this, I have thought about sending something back saying, "Have a happy life and I wish you and your family many blessings" and leave it at that.  Hopefully she won't feel guilty anymore and it will give a "polite" hint that I don't want to renew the friendship. 

I do believe that she feels guilty about what happened, hence the letters at Xmas.  We had been friends for 6 years before this incident and all during that time J always had a hard time admitting she was wrong about something.  It was like pulling teeth, so I highly doubt the first two letters contained an apology.  By now she may have matured into a perfectly nice person, but I just can't forget what happened, how it made me feel, and how it colored my view of other friendships afterward (took me awhile to stop looking for HER betrayal in other people).  I just don't want to rekindle a friendship where I have trust issues with the person because I don't want to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with it.  I can forgive and move on, but when something REALLY hurt me I can't forget.   

[kckgirl]

What's making me feel different this year is I actually just got her Xmas letter yesterday since she had sent it to my parents old address, it got sent back to her and then she took the trouble to look up my parent's new address (she stated this in the letter).  Because she took the trouble to do this, I have thought about sending something back saying, "Have a happy life and I wish you and your family many blessings" and leave it at that.  Hopefully she won't feel guilty anymore and it will give a "polite" hint that I don't want to renew the friendship. 

It sounds to me like she's trying to make amends. Is it possible for you to have a "Christmas card" friendship with her? There are people from my past that I never see (because of distance) and/or who are no longer close enough for one reason or another to keep in touch, but I'd still exchange Christmas cards. I don't think you need to try to be best friends again, but I definitely wouldn't "return to sender."

Nine years is really too long to hold on to a grudge like it happened yesterday. I can personally attest that you would feel better in your soul if you forgave her (yes, without her asking) and moved on from it. Like I said, that doesn't mean you have to be friends, but civil is good.

[goblue2539]

By now she may have matured into a perfectly nice person, but I just can't forget what happened, how it made me feel, and how it colored my view of other friendships afterward (took me awhile to stop looking for HER betrayal in other people).  I just don't want to rekindle a friendship where I have trust issues with the person because I don't want to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with it.  I can forgive and move on, but when something REALLY hurt me I can't forget.   

That's all you need to know to make your decision.  Everything else we said is just window dressing.  Do what's best for you, up and including telling her that you wish her well but aren't comfortable receiving cards.