Family Gift Giving Dilemma (LONG)

[gena264]

I have a family dilemma that I not sure what to do about.

For a little background the family I am speaking of consists of me, my DH and DD, My younger sister E (unmarried, no children, 24),my older sister L (unmarried ,no children, 37) , my mom and dad, and my brother, his wife and two children (15 and 7).

My sisters live close to my parents in the same state. My family lives many states away as does my brother and his family.

I am VERY close with E ,my younger sister. I am pretty close with L and fairly close to my parents. I have not spoken to
my brother in 11 years. Not because we are fighting but simply because we just don't talk. We never have. I have never met his
youngest child since he was born while we were all in different state. I have met his older daughter as she is close in age to my daughter and we lived in the same state for about a year or so before we moved. I don't speak to my niece or nephew on thephone or anything either.
I just send a Christmas gift and birthday gift each year and my SIL does the same for my DD.

My SIL is the only one I 'talk' to and that is just through casual email's once in awhile.

I don't know if this is important or not but my sister L and brother are biological siblings. Their dad and my mom married when I was four
and they were 5 and 7. My younger sister is my half sister. My sister L has always been the one to buy expensive
gifts for everyone. She feels guilty if she doesn't. My brother and his family have always been somewhat critical of what they
receive which is why I stopped buying gifts for them and just focused on the kids.

I decided already that this was the last year I would buy for their kids. I tried to talk to SIL about not exchanging gifts this year
but she said she already got my DD a gift and she seemed a little upset about it.

I spoke with my mom yesterday and she said that my sister L told her she wanted us to all draw from a hat and pick names for next year. She wanted to include the kids in the name grab as well. I had a problem with that because for one ,money wise it is completely unfair to my family and especially my brother's family.They would be buying for 4 people, my family for 3 people while my sister's each bought for one person.

The worse part for me wasn't the money factor but the fact that I don't have any desire to buy for my brother or his family. I don't know any of them really and while yes they are 'family' we don't speak to eachother! My mom was saying how sweet it would be if say nephew (age 7) picked my name, how he could get a special gift for his aunt! That works well if the child even knows who I am which he does not.

I believe this was all said by sister L because she doesn't want to spend money on people anymore and she wants to alleviate her guilt.

I have told L many times that she is far to generous with my DD and she doesn't have to spend so much. She does not buy gifts for me or my DH anymore which I am perfectly happy with. I still send her a small gift each year because I want to. I also send my younger sister a gift because we are very close . Since she has had a steady job my younger sister buys gifts for me, DH and DD because she WANTS to...not because she has to.

As far as my parents go they used to send a check every year . My mom likes my sister L's idea but when I pointed out to her how most of us(including my mom herself) are estranged from brother's family she seemed to get my point of view.

What would you all do in the situation?

One other possibility that was brought was was to maybe instead of drawing names we would draw families. So a family would buy for just one family . Again that is not the best scenario for me as I do not want to buy for my  brother's family but I would be willing to do that if that was what the majority wanted. I would still continue to buy for my sister's though if I happened to pick my brother's family.

Does anyone think that including children (ages 15, 15 and 7) in the name exchange is pretty much not realistic since the parents will be buying for them anyway?

Is it wrong of me to feel so adamant about not wanting to buy for people I don't even speak to?

[Hijinks]

I don't think your feelings are wrong at all.

Would it be possible for the adults to sit down this year and work it out amiably?  A few glasses of wine or mulled cider might help  

I probably wouldn't include the children under 18 in a name draw, either.  The parents would still be the ones having to pay for the gift.  Perhaps if the others insist on it, you could institute a price limit?

[oogyda]

Remember..........."No." is a complete sentence. 

If it comes up again simply say "We won't be participating in that."  DO NOT attempt to explain your reasoning or position as that only opens the floor for arguement and attempts to change your mind.

[Sharnita]

I guess I don't neccessarily see unfairness because the family buying more would also get more, right?

AS the aunt without a hubby and kids I think it would be nice to get a token gift from the kids I buy for, though it doesn't affect what I will or won't do for them.  Maybe mom could find three possibilities $10 and under and let kidlets choose which one they wnated to "give" me.  Not that I'm trying to establish perfect equity and I would give regardless. 

[gena264]

I guess I don't neccessarily see unfairness because the family buying more would also get more, right?

AS the aunt without a hubby and kids I think it would be nice to get a token gift from the kids I buy for, though it doesn't affect what I will or won't do for them.  Maybe mom could find three possibilities $10 and under and let kidlets choose which one they wnated to "give" me.  Not that I'm trying to establish perfect equity and I would give regardless. 

That is what I do for my sister L. I buy her a gift even though she doesn't buy me one, but she does give generously to my DD. I would still buy her
 a gift regardless though because that is what I like to do for Christmas.

I think my sister L is just feeling upset because she set a standard of giving a lot and now she needs to cut back and she is afraid how that
will look to brother and his family. I have told her many times she doesn't have to give so much to my DD (and my brother's two kids).

[gena264]

I guess I don't neccessarily see unfairness because the family buying more would also get more, right?

I don't think so. I think what my sister wanted to do was have everyone draw names. So technically only one person would get a
gift from one person in the family. In my brother's family's case they have two kids . So THEY would be buying (technically) for 4 people with
their money. Whereas my two sister's are only a one person 'family' so they would be buying for one.

So if the limit is say $20 per person, my brother's family would be paying $80 whereas my sister would be paying $20. Since the kids are included their parents would pay for the person's gift they picked which I think is silly. Two teenage girls and a 7 year old boy are not really interested in picking
something out for a person they don't even know and they don't have the funds to do so anyway.

That aside though the worse part for me is that I really don't know my brother's family. I like to buy for people I know and talk to on a regular basis.
Since he is 'family' still , it becomes an issue.

[Sharnita]

I guess I'm still confused.  WOuldn't your brother's family also get $80 in gifts while sis would only get $20?

[KenveeB]

I guess I don't neccessarily see unfairness because the family buying more would also get more, right?

I don't think so. I think what my sister wanted to do was have everyone draw names. So technically only one person would get a
gift from one person in the family. In my brother's family's case they have two kids . So THEY would be buying (technically) for 4 people with
their money. Whereas my two sister's are only a one person 'family' so they would be buying for one.

Whereas now, the families are buying one present for L, but she's still having to buy 4 presents.  I can see L's point.   If you institute a name draw, either exclude the kids or draw for families.  In my family, we exclude kids until a year after high school graduation, so you're presumably buying your own presents. (And only the aunts and uncles buy for the remaining kids anyway, so the adult cousins don't start buying for the still young cousins.)  You could do a gift basket for the whole family or something.

I think in your situation, though, you have excellent reasons for not wanting to do a name draw.  It's not like you have a big family get-together where you're all exchanging presents, which is when these sorts of things usually come up.  Just explain that you don't think it would be a very good idea.  Once.  After that, go for "I'm sorry, that won't work for us" and do how you want to.

[JamFly]

Pod on: "I'm sorry, that won't work for us".


If you don't want to buy gifts for your brother's family, than don't. If you feel the need to do so this year, and stop next year, then buy a board game they can play together.

Suggest the same to your sister for this year.