Older Parents

[Mahdoumi]

Congrats on the baby, Mahdoumi!!!

If it makes you feel any better, my mom was considered "terribly old" when she had me, at 32   (and I'm number 3). My MIL was 35 when she had her one and only baby, my DH. FIL was 40. We do not, in any way, feel that our parents are old.
We're both 29 now, and have no babies yet, nor do we have any on the way (a mixture of our situation and medical issues, but still).

Thank you for the kind encouragement!  Having a baby at this age doesn't bother me at all, although my DH is having trouble.  We also had challenges and many heartbreaks up to this point, which makes this baby nothing short of a miracle.  Knowing this makes processing careless comments difficult for me.  I remind myself that only a few people IRL know the history and that most of the time, I'm oversensitive and overprotective.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

Thank you for the kind encouragement!  Having a baby at this age doesn't bother me at all, although my DH is having trouble.  We also had challenges and many heartbreaks up to this point, which makes this baby nothing short of a miracle.  Knowing this makes processing careless comments difficult for me.  I remind myself that only a few people IRL know the history and that most of the time, I'm oversensitive and overprotective.

I was born 10 days before my mother's 41st birthday, and my brother when my mother was nearly 43. We are her only children. People often thought my parents were my grandparents. My mother used to get annoyed, especially since she used to dress me like a boy (not on purpose, shorts and T-shirts were just easier for her than frilly dresses, especially since I was always out playing in sand) and people would say, "Oh, is that your grandchild? What's his name?" My mother would get angry. "MY DAUGHTER'S name is Marina!" My father would just smile when asked and say, "Thank you, it's Marina." He never bothered to correct people, and I think he got a quiet kick out of counting how many people thought he was my grandfather.

You could always do that, just smile at people's ignorance. In 100 years, who's going to care anyway? 

[Mahdoumi]

You could always do that, just smile at people's ignorance. In 100 years, who's going to care anyway? 

Very true.  Thank you for putting it all into perspective.

[sillysquirrel]

"Is that your grandbaby?"

"No! It's my sister" 

[hollasa]

Congratulations!

My parents were "older" parents - 32 and 44 when I was born (I'm child #1), and DH and I are considered older parents (when #1 was born, 32 and 39). A number of people in our town have kids very early, and so DH could easily be the parent of some of DD's friend's parents.

You know that you're older parents, you're happy to have the baby - I wouldn't worry too much about people asking if you're the grandparent. After all, they would end up embarrassed (perhaps), and you'll end up - what? Still being an older parent - which you already know! 

The name thing is just weird, though.  Think of it as a welcoming into the community at large; after all, they can't shake baby's hand and ask their name, now can they?

[camlan]

My brother and SIL were 41 and 36 respectively when their first child was born, one year and two weeks after they got married. They were 47 and 42 when their third and last child was born. Both my mom and SIL's mom were 42 when they had their last children, so it must just run in the family.

SIL doesn't look a day over 30, so she doesn't get many comments, but my brother sure does. People frequently mistake him for the kids' grandfather. He says something like, "Well, they make me *feel* that old sometimes, but really I'm just their father."

Last time I went out to visit, I took my brother and my 6 year old niece out for an ice cream cone. Two different people thought that DB was my father and niece was my daughter and wasn't it sweet to see grandpa taking his daughter and granddaughter out. DB was mildly upset, because I am only two years younger than him. I think the kids have given him more gray hair.

About asking the name--I do this when confronted with a small baby. It's a fairly neutral question and it allows me to try and find out the gender of the baby without having to ask if it's a boy or a girl. Sometimes parents get annoyed if you can't guess the gender correctly, but with little babies it can be hard to tell unless there is a great quantity of pink and lace floating about the baby.

[MrsO]

I once had DD out in a pair of jeans with pink trim, a pink fleecy jumper and PIGTAILS in (she was about 6 months old and looked so sweet in pigtails  ) and someone said...wait for it...
"Ohhh, isn't HE lovely!"
I said "HE is a girl"
And the lady said "Oh, really? It must be the hair..." 
 

[Mahdoumi]

"Is that your grandbaby?"

"No! It's my sister" 

BWHAHAHA!  My 28yo stepson gets a big kick out of saying that whenever people ask him if DD is his daughter!

[ACBNYC]

I once had DD out in a pair of jeans with pink trim, a pink fleecy jumper and PIGTAILS in (she was about 6 months old and looked so sweet in pigtails  ) and someone said...wait for it...
"Ohhh, isn't HE lovely!"
I said "HE is a girl"
And the lady said "Oh, really? It must be the hair..." 
 

Isn't that weird about the hair? My five month old DD has a load of hair, so for some reason, she's mistaken for a boy quite a bit. I don't really understand why hair=boy, as girls are capable of having hair as well as boys!

ETA: Congratulations, Mahdoumi! That is fantastic news. I think you're just going to have to come up with a graceful way of saying that you are the parent, not the grandparent, when the situation comes up and then let it roll off your back. I gave birth to my first child this year at the age of 35, and I'll be in my early 50s when DD is in high school, so I expect I will get this at some point as well (especially since I intend on having another!).

[MrsO]

I know, jokiebird! My youngest DD was born with an absolute mop of dark hair (and didn't I suffer with heartburn during the pregnancy...) and she has always been mistaken for a boy. Always. Older DD was bald as a coot and was never mistaken for a boy. Maybe I compensated for her lack of hair by subconsciously dressing her more girly? 
Seriously, though, even if your little boy does have lots of hair, who in their right mind would dress him in pink and pigtail his hair?!

[Calbrini]

DS has quite a lot of hair, which is in a sort of 'mullet' style right now. When it has been washed it goes all curly. However he has NEVER been mistaken for a girl.

DD was often called 'son' despite the fact she may have been wearing a pink flowery dress!

[Dindrane]

Someone else pointed out that people ask a baby's name both because it's nice to know the name of that little darling who is cute as a button, and because it's an unobtrusive way to ask about gender.  Not all names are gender specific, but enough are that it probably works most of the time.  Plus, it's awfully hard to make introductions to a baby who can't talk just yet, and I know that I like to know who it is I'm talking to whenever possible

My mother was almost 39 when my sister (her third and last child) was born.  My sister is now just finishing high school, and my parents are edging towards 60.  I've always gotten the impression that they went for the "wait until your thirties to have children" trend just a smidge sooner than most other people.  Most of the time, I meet someone my age whose parents are ten (or more) years younger, or I meet people my parents' age who have children ten years older than I am.

My point is, it's still not completely and totally usual to see older parents (and by older, I mean got started sometime after thirty), but it's a whole lot more common than it used to be, and usual enough that people shouldn't be commenting on it.  Mostly because people just shouldn't comment on something that says something about a woman's age

[Mahdoumi]

Mostly because people just shouldn't comment on something that says something about a woman's age

Exactly, especially said in amazement.  Thank you for the nice post!

[beingkj]

Mahdoumi, congrats on your baby. I have little to add in the way of advice, but please be assured that the people who ask you about your grandbaby or make assumptions based on your age are going to be far, far more embarrassed than you are.

I am not a child of 'old' parents but my Best Friend is. In fact, her father is older than my grandfather, which is why we both just laughed when a mutual friend made the wrong assumption. Mutual friend, however, was so embarrassed that she retreated to her room for the rest of the evening and could not face my Best Friend without blushing for days.

[HeebyJeebyLeebee]

My parents were 39 an 34 when they adopted me, and I thought they were so old at the time.    My views have changed dramatically with time, especially with more and more parents being in their mid to late 30's when their first (or only) children are born.  My DF will be in his 40's when we're trying for kids - and I don't think that's old at all! 

My birth-father has two more daughters with his wife, and they're 15 and 17 years younger than I am.  A few times that I've been out with my B-Dad and my sisters, we've been asked how old OUR daughters are.  My B-Dad likes to respond, "Well, that daughter's 10, that daughter's 12, and that daughter's 27."     He gets such a kick out of the reaction that gets!

My birth-mom has a picture of me on her desk at work, and sometime a new employee or trucker asks about it.
NE/T:   Who's that?
Bmom:  That's my daughter.
NE/T:  You don't look old enough to have a grown daughter!
Bmom:  Thank you.  I'm not.   

(for the record - my birth parents were in high school when I was conceived)