Blowing Off Two Close re[color=black]lationships[/color]

[Mahdoumi]

Sorry that this evolved into a tome.

The first "dissatisfying" relationship is with a woman with whom I grew up (met when we were 3yo).  Her family was very good to me when I was a kid, and I returned the kindness 10-fold during our late teens/adulthood.  Her younger DD is my godchild.  This woman never rated highly on the etiquette scale, especially when it came to table manners, but she has evolved into a trashy, selfish and rude pig.  Her laziness has given her two extraordinarily rude teenaged DDs who lack any sense of social grace.  I swore two years ago after their last visit to my home that they would never, ever be invited back, again.  The visit completely wore me out, both emotionally from enduring the awful behavior of the three and also from the physical demands of these guests.

I relocated to Philly and was married well over a year ago.  Not once have I heard from her.  However, she must have gotten wind of my contacting another woman with whom we both grew up who lives in yet another state and that I had recently given birth.  Two days ago, she left a voice mail message telling me that she and her "girls" want to come to Philly to stay with us over the Christmas break.  I have not returned the call, yet.  I would completely ignore it, except that her younger DD is my godchild, and that has been the only reason I've kept the contact going.

I do not want these people in my new home.  They are totally rude, lazy, demanding, loud, clumsy, and ungrateful.  Someone will break something and I won't be reimbursed.  The woman will ask me if I'm "putting on coffee" as she lies down on my sofa to take a nap.  The "girls" will clomp up and down my stairs like a pair of Clydesdales until my stairs pull away from the wall.  It will be assumed that I will do all cooking, or at least provide all meals since during the last visit (they invited themselves), I suggested we go halves on an order for two pizzas (because believe me, one wouldn't have been nearly enough), but the woman only had 37 cents on her.  I ordered and paid for the pizzas WITH the 2-litre bottle of Coke she shouted for me to get, too.  She will leave her "girls" with me for the entire weekend while she flies home for some free time, and the favor will never, never be reciprocated.  She will not be interested in anything I may have to say unless I'm talking about her.  She chews with her mouth open and spits food at me when she talks.

What do I do?

The second one is a little trickier.  I have two SILs.  One is a very close friend; the other is someone I don't care to associated with very often.  The off-putting SIL has an odd manner.  She, her DH (who is wonderful), and her DD (who is an adult and REALLY nasty) came to our wedding last year empty-handed.  Now, I understand no gift is necessary for any gathering except a shower, and for a second wedding the B&G should never expect a gift from anyone.  However.  My groom is her brother.  She didn't even give us a card, and yet, she and her DH left with covered trays of food and my wedding cake.  I had to chase after her to get a piece to taste.  She's snarky, and she talks behind my back.  She totally ignores me and instead, addresses my husband or calls his cell phone or emails him to find out what's new or to invite herself to our home to see "his baby".  She is the only one in his family who didn't acknowledge the wedding or the birth of our baby directly to me.  It is absolutely deliberate.  Her adult DD was snotty to some of my wedding guests to the point that a few of them spoke to me about it, wanting to know where she fit in on the family tree.

I already asked my DH to tell her that since I'm the one who is here all the time (he works overseas) and that I'm the one handling the baby and the day-to-day household issues and am about to go back to work full-time, she should probably call ME to arrange for a convenient time for ME to endure a visit from her (let me just say here that DH has a huge family, and I love all of them except for this bitter, jealous troll-doll of a woman).    DH told me a week after I had my emergency c-section that she was coming, and it took a lot of arguing to persuade him that perhaps it wasn't the best time (she wanted to be the first sibling to see the baby.  She's an idiot).

How do I keep this woman out of my house?

[Miss Charlotte]

Yikes!! I'm so sorry!

I would tell these people that "with moving and the new baby and all, I'm afraid that won't be possible."
Say whatever you want, "the baby doesn't sleep at all during the night and we're just too tired, the baby hates strangers and cries whenever new people are over, this is our first X-mas all together and we want to bond alone as our own family unit, etc. etc. Make up anything you like and blame it on the baby (Congratulations, by the way!!!).

[veryfluffy]

The first one is easy: "How great to hear from you! Unfortunately, we're not up to having houseguests right now, but if you do come to Philly anyway, why don't we meet up lunch?" And then only bring enough cash for yourself. A good ploy is to try to pick a time to call when she is unlikely to be picking up the phone, so that you can leave this as a voicemail. If you do talk to her, simply do not allow any arrangements which involve these people even knowing your address. If you are prepared with good alternative suggestions (which should also include a lot of days and times when you are already committed to other things over the holidays), then you won't be put in the put in the position of having to agree.

As for the SIL, if she ignores you then you can ignore her. Any arrangements she makes should involve your DH being present. If arrangements are made for her to come over when he is not there, then you can forget the date and be out for a walk. And if she comes over, leave her and your DH to look after the baby, and use it for some "me-time".

[Mahdoumi]

Yikes!! I'm so sorry!

I would tell these people that "with moving and the new baby and all, I'm afraid that won't be possible."
Say whatever you want, "the baby doesn't sleep at all during the night and we're just too tired, the baby hates strangers and cries whenever new people are over, this is our first X-mas all together and we want to bond alone as our own family unit, etc. etc. Make up anything you like and blame it on the baby (Congratulations, by the way!!!).

Thank you!  I think it would be easier to blow off the exhausted friendship, but I feel guilty since the younger DD is my godchild.  SIL is never in touch with me, and DH and she make the plans.  Then, DH tells me about it.  The last time, SIL brought food to cook and took over my kitchen, which might have been okay if she had discussed it with me.  My 15yo DD and I are not huge fans of pork spare ribs, and I'm allergic to corn and corn products (so essentially, 3 people ate; 2 didn't, although we were polite and put some of it on our plates and thanked her for the effort).

I hate asking my DH to meet his own sister outside his home, but I think that may be one solution until he sees what's going on and supports me.

[Mahdoumi]

The first one is easy: "How great to hear from you! Unfortunately, we're not up to having houseguests right now, but if you do come to Philly anyway, why don't we meet up lunch?" And then only bring enough cash for yourself.

As for the SIL, if she ignores you then you can ignore her. Any arrangements she makes should involve your DH being present. If arrangements are made for her to come over when he is not there, then you can forget the date and be out for a walk. And if she comes over, leave her and your DH to look after the baby, and use it for some "me-time".

Great suggestions, thanks!  The SIL doesn't make plans with me.  She either instant messages or emails my DH.  I have no say in any of it.  The last time I left the house to leave the two of them alone together, they decided that the Murano chandelier would look GREAT hanging in the kitchen over nothing.  I couldn't persuade DH that, perhaps, it would be better suited over the diningroom table.  No worries.  Any of my family or friends who come over know that anything odd or just plain crazy in the house was probably not my idea.  lol

I suppose it's best just to leave when she comes.  Otherwise, I'm giving her the reaction she wants and an excuse to say, "See?"

[ShadesOfGrey]

Great suggestions, thanks!  The SIL doesn't make plans with me.  She either instant messages or emails my DH.  I have no say in any of it.  The last time I left the house to leave the two of them alone together, they decided that the Murano chandelier would look GREAT hanging in the kitchen over nothing.  I couldn't persuade DH that, perhaps, it would be better suited over the diningroom table.  No worries.  Any of my family or friends who come over know that anything odd or just plain crazy in the house was probably not my idea.  lol

I suppose it's best just to leave when she comes.  Otherwise, I'm giving her the reaction she wants and an excuse to say, "See?"

The problem here is with your DH - his standard response should be "I'll have to talk it over with Mahdoumi first." Until he does that, you will have to deal with SIL's intrusions...

Good luck

[Mahdoumi]

The problem here is with your DH - his standard response should be "I'll have to talk it over with Mahdoumi first." Until he does that, you will have to deal with SIL's intrusions...

True, and not so much an etiquette issue as a marital relations issue.    The pattern has been that she will behave badly to whomever, but when whoever reacts to her infractions, s/he is the one who apparently has "the problem."  I'm looking for the ultimate graceful response that will point the bad behavior bad to the offender without giving her an actual reason for being an bacon-fed knave.

[Mahdoumi]

Wow!  The site filtered a*ss!

[pepelutivursky]

I just wouldn't give her the time of day, frankly.  Pretend she's as invisible to you as you are to her.  If she tries to start something, ignore it.  If she tries to make your husband redo something, make him redo it back the way it was before as soon as she leaves.
Frankly, EvilPepelu would be tempted to kick my husband each and every time he did something like the moving chandelier incident.  NO ONE messes with /my/ home without consulting me first.

[Lisbeth]

For the first one, I'd tell this person that you are already committed for the time she wants to come, so that it will not be possible for you to entertain her and her DD.

For the second one, I'd refuse to admit your SIL to the house if she tries to come when you're there and your DH is not.  Your house, your rules about who gets to come, and an SIL who refuses to acknowledge my existence but insists on coming over right after I have a C section is not going to be admitted.

[lastonetoknow]

Wow.  Just wow on both counts. 

For the "friend" you haven't spoken to in ages, tell her you're not up for company at the moment, but if things change in the future you'll call her and let her know.  Then never call her.....

I also like somebody elses idea to call at a time you know she probably won't answer the phone so you could leave a voicemail.  Email would be good for this too if you feel like you'll cave if you actually talk to her. 

It's a shame you've got to alienate your Goddaughter and her family like that, but they're using you, your family and your home for a free vacation.  I don't think so.

As for the SIL, you have to put your foot down and have a serious discussion with your DH about how you are to be treated by his family.

I certainly would not leave my home so somebody like that could visit.  Maybe your DH could meet his sister somewhere else outside the home until she learns to behave herself.

She really gets your hubby to re-rrange your home while you're not there?? 

Wow. 

[Mahdoumi]

For the first one, I'd tell this person that you are already committed for the time she wants to come, so that it will not be possible for you to entertain her and her DD.

I actually am committed.  My stepsons and favorite SIL will be visiting during the days before Christmas Day, and my FIL and his friend and favorite SIL will be visiting Christmas Day and the day after.  New Years is booked with a dear friend of mine and her family.  All this was booked within a day and a half, and I'm absolutely delighted that I will be surrounded by great people.  My older stepson is especially wonderful, and it's a pleasure to have both in my home.  They are a credit to their mother, I tell ya.

For the second one, I'd refuse to admit your SIL to the house if she tries to come when you're there and your DH is not.  Your house, your rules about who gets to come, and an SIL who refuses to acknowledge my existence but insists on coming over right after I have a C section is not going to be admitted.

Thank you, KeenReader.  I feel exactly the same way, and many others might agree with us; my DH thinks I'm warped and that I have no reason to feel insulted.  So, when she and her DH (who really is a wonderful man) show up at the door, what do I say?  I would hate to hurt him, yet I couldn't care less how she feels, which is wrong and what she's counting on in order to take advantage.  I need a good line in addition to, "I'm afraid your visit is just not possible."

[freakyfemme]

1.  Continue spending time with your goddaughter (and possibly her sister as well) WITHOUT your friend.  During this time, you can maybe slip in some little tidbits about manners, in the approved Miss Manners style.  You don't say "That's wrong/rude/disgusting," you say "Well, Tziphaknee, this is how we always do things here/this is what people customarily do at Chez Fancy/whatever."  Keep it light-hearted, fun, and non-lecturish, and then, with any luck, Tziphaknee's newly-reformed manners will rub off on her mom.  Oh, and if you can stomach it, have you thought of just talking to your friend?  You know, "Friend, when you invite yourself over and expect to be waited on, I feel put out, because it means I have to change plans I already made, and spend days at a time fetching things for you and your daughters.  So, in future, could you please call in advance, and pitch in a bit more around the house, by doing X, Y, and Z?"

2.  Good SIL--continue your relationship with her and her family, whenever and however you choose to do so.

3.  Bad SIL--If nothing comes of talking to her, go for "cut-off lite."  That means you still send Christmas cards, keep her on Facebook, and maintain a civil relationship, but you don't owe her anything beyond that.

[Texas Mom]

Goddaughter

Godparent is, in most cases, an honorary title which is given to a person to whom the parent(s) are close at the time of the child's birth/baptism.  People change over time and losing contact or terminating the relationship due to the situation between the adults is NOT uncommon.

Have you kept in contact with your now teenaged goddaughter (gifts or correspondence) as a separate entity up to this point?  If so, I would continue contact with her.

If your contact with your goddaughter is part of a "package deal" that HAS to include her mother and sister, it's time to let the relationship go.

Tell them you have other plans.  Every.Time.Mom.Contacts.You. Asking.To.Visit.

The Sister in Law

She's snarky, and she talks behind my back.

Does she run you down to other family members?  If so, THOSE family members should pull DH aside when he's home & talk to him about this situation.  You're obviously NOT getting through to your husband about this and may need some help to make him understand what's going here.

In the meantime, if he's not home, you are under no obligation to entertain them.  There's no rule that I know of that says you have to answer your door when you are not expecting guests.

[JamFly]

She didn't even give us a card, and yet, she and her DH left with covered trays of food and my wedding cake.  I had to chase after her to get a piece to taste.

Seriously?  What did she say when you asked for a piece of your cake? I mean, seriously, I have no words here about that.

Talk to your DH. He needs to understand that your evil SIL's behavior is very wrong, rude, and you are not going to subject your children and yourself to it. If he can't understand that, then you have a bigger problem on your hands then your SIL.