Cousin Gift Exchanges

[platys]

I come from a very large family, and now that most of the cousins have married, its even larger.  I live several thousand miles away, and I'm the only cousin who left my home state.  I stopped going home for Christmas years ago - its too stressful, and for whatever reason, I never bonded at all with my cousins and most of my aunts and uncles.  I'm the oldest granddaughter, and quite a bit older than most of my cousins.  On top of that, I was a shy kid, not the least bit atheletic, and a bit on the pudgy side.  (Looking back at pictures, I wasn't that fat, but my weight was a Major Issue (tm) for the family growing up, and still is.)

So, the point is that every year, the cousins draw names.  In the beginning, when we were all kids, our parents would of course pay for the gifts and find out what people want.  Now, generally, its expected that the cousins pay for the presents, and now all the SOs are involved as well.

So, honestly, at this point, its a matter of exchanging 50 dollars between cousins - its even worse that I"m not there.  Two years ago, I didn't even get my cousin gift.  Last year, the cousin who drew me step mom (who is definately an adult) ended up buying presents off my amazon.com gift list for me - and the total was significantly less than 50 dollars.

I don't know the cousins well enough to pick out a present other than the standard gift card.  I don't speak to them except for the rare occasions I'm home, and we don't have anything much to talk about. 

So, this year, I told my mom that I didn't want to be in the gift exchange.  This is apparently a "big deal".  Honestly, if I was there in person, I would of course participate.  But being thousands of miles away, I don't see the point at all. 

[amanda_tlg]

Pull out one of the ehell standards "I'm sorry, but that just won't be possible for us this year" may work well.

[cicero]

Pull out one of the ehell standards "I'm sorry, but that just won't be possible for us this year" may work well.

i agree. and if it's come down to exchanging 50$ between cousins then i bet everyone/most of your cousins would be happy to stop this exchange anyway.

[ZipTheWonder]

If someone told me they didn't want to exchange presents this year...I would weep with joy. 

I honestly think your cousins would view it differently than your mom -- your cousin from last year and your cousin from the year before clearly don't want to participate, either.

[platys]

Its hilarious - on top of finally telling my mom that no, I didn't want to be in the gift exchange, a friend and I finally admitted to each other that we'd rather not exchange birthday gifts either.   It started accidentally - we were in a knitting group, and someone always organized it so that everyopne would throw a few dollars in a pot, and people would get a cute, small gift.  It bloomed from there.  Finally, we were like "You know, I like you, but I don't want the stress of ANOTHER present exchanging experience".   

We give each other random presents through the year, which is more than enough for me.

[HorseFreak]

$50 is a HUGE amount to spend on a cousin. I didn't spend that much on anyone this year, nevermind someone I won't even see in person. Just bow out and don't bring it up after.

[mrsbrandt]

Are you a member of my family?  We do the same thing with DH's extended family and it is a $50 exchange.  We no longer want to include people who don't bother to show up to Christmas, because it involves shipping presents and you don't get to see the person open it.

For the person who got you less than $50 worth, did you factor in the cost of shipping those items to you (if it was necessary)?  I have a person who lives about 1000 miles away in the present exchange this year.  If I hadn't been able to convince someone who was visiting her earlier to transport my present for me, I probably would have deducted shipping costs from the overall cost of her gift.  $50 is a lot to spend on people you aren't really close with.

[platys]

The book amount they spent would have qualified for them for free shipping (yay amazon), and I'm pretty sure they didn't pay extra in order for me to receive the books on time.

The amount they were short wasn't massive (about 14 dollars, I think), but it just drove home how pointless the whole exercise was.

[jimithing]

I have one cousin on my mom's side, and we include him in the gift exchange, as if he were a sibling.  I'm OK with this, but to do a gift exchange of $50 just for cousins?  That's foreign to me.

[dragonflies]

I would stop this now.  So, you may ruffle a few feathers this year.  You are saving yourself.  I draw names w/ my brothers and their families.  Some of them, I do not know well enough to go into a store and buy them a present.  We end up passing around gift cards.  I have already told them, next year my family won't be in the exchange.

[cheyne]

Sometimes families just can't let a "tradition" go.  Maybe it was nice to exchange gifts with cousins when you were young (but reading your post, maybe not), but the time for that is over.

You all have different lives now and it's actually OK to change your traditions.

I would not participate in the gift exchange.

[Murphy]

How about suggesting you make charitable donations in the name of the person you are supposed to buy a gift for?

[Bijou]

Sometimes families just can't let a "tradition" go.  Maybe it was nice to exchange gifts with cousins when you were young (but reading your post, maybe not), but the time for that is over.

You all have different lives now and it's actually OK to change your traditions.

I would not participate in the gift exchange.

I'll bet you're not alone in wanting to skip it.  I have never spent that much on anyone other than my dh or my kids, and that is a rare thing, even at that! 
Good for you if you can draw the line.  I would bet that others would be thrilled to stop as well, or to at least bring the cost down to a roar...like maybe $10 to 20.  I think when it comes to this kind of thing, each person should be asked if they want to participate each year so they can either opt in or out. 

[AbbyW]

We changed from the traditional gift giving because our family was growing too big.  People starting bringing friends or SO's, kids were in college and didn't have money, older adults were on retirement budgets. 

We have a huge, complicated mess for our extended family exchange.  The key is you have to be present to play, but it's open to everyone over 18.  Everyone brings a $20 gift card for the pot and $3 for the counters. Then we play ***** Your Neighbor.  The first loser gets to pick from the pile of cards, but it can always be taken away from the next person out.  The winner gets the counters (about $50) and the pick of the gift cards.

The fun is the fact you don't have to buy for everyone and you aren't worried about who is or isn't coming. It's also fun seeing where some of the gift cards were purchased from.  The gas card was surprisingly popular. Oh, and the current loser has to watch the kids, usually a 15 minute sentence.

[Redneck Gravy]

Let me know how this works out, I'm trying to bail out of our annual name drawing also, we are now 300 miles apart. 

What was once me, my bro & my sis grew with our 10 kids and now most of the 10 kids have partners, making our group of three into twenty-six, because some of the pairs have children also. It's really getting out of hand.