Rude/Funny Holiday Stories

[CreteGirl]

This is the story of How I Should Have Known It Would Not Work Out.  I was dating this guy I really, really liked, and he led me to believe we had a future together.  We had been dating for well over a year, and I was invited to his parent's house for Christmas.  They even bought a Christmas present for me.  How very thoughtful.

Except when they handed me the present, it was addressed to Cindy. 

That's not my name. 

My name starts with a "C", but its not Cindy.  The present wasn't for another girl named Cindy, its just that my bf spoke of me so little that they did not even know who I was.

Needless to say, we broke up shortly thereafter.

[CreteGirl]

Well there's the story that happen last year.
  For Christmas I was given a shirt, the box labeled as coming from 2 aunts, 2 uncles and 2 cousins.  The shirt is a blue, crinkled polyester button down blouse with 3 rows of ruffles on each side, and a row of lace at the waist.  It's nice but not in anyway conceivable something I would wear(ok I think it's hideous, and it reminds me of the Puffy shirt from Seinfeld)  Later they asked me if I liked it, and I couldn't lie so I tried to cover by saying "it's interesting"  Naturally my mother and aunts picked up that I hated the blouse and immediately made my "it's interesting comment, the biggest joke of the christmas gathering.  Teasing me mercilessly and then making me try the shirt on, in short doing anything and everything to embarass me over the comment and the shirt.

And pictures of the shirt

bluehairfreak--

That shirt should be outlawed in all fifty states.  Yikes!


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I kinda like it.   I have something similar in my closet.

The 80's are not over...

CreteGirl

[EveLGenius]

The Story of My Father The Turkey

(polite people will wish to insert the word "and" in that title)

My father has many sterling qualities, but one of his few faults is that when he gets an idea firmly in his head, dynamite can't get it out again. Unfortunately for us, one such idea that has been stuck in there since well before I was born is "Turkeys take less than an hour to defrost at room temperature." So here is a standard Thanksgiving or Christmas morning at my family's house.

10PM the night before- put the 25-lb turkey in the refrigerator to thaw overnight. (Dad comes home at 1AM, and puts the turkey back in the freezer.)

5AM- Put the turkey in the sink in warm water to begin thawing. (7AM-Dad puts turkey back in freezer.)

9AM- Discover turkey in freezer. Put turkey in a pan of water in my room. (9:30AM- Dad finds turkey, puts it back in freezer.)

9:45AM- put turkey in a pan of water in the guest bathroom. (9:50AM- all other bathrooms occupied- Dad goes into guest bath, is perplexed as to how turkey got there, puts it back in the freezer over loud protests.)

10AM- put turkey in a pan of very warm water in Mom's lab in the basement. (10:45AM- Dad somehow finds the turkey, puts it back in the freezer.)

11AM- various family members assigned to keep Dad busy at all costs. Turkey is being hand-thawed under hot water in the kitchen sink. Turkey is still so frozen that giblets can't be removed, especially after being put back in the freezer after partially thawing.

11:15AM- Dad protests that  turkeys take less than an hour to defrost, particularly in the microwave. Dad is invited to attempt putting a 25-lb turkey into the microwave.

11:45AM- Dad realizes that turkey will not fit in the microwave.

12 noon- Mom and at least one kid finish cleaning turkey juice off the microwave, counter, and floor (and various utensils), and manage to get the turkey thawed enough to stuff and put in the oven.

Dinner is late, because turkey not completely cooked on time.

[Scritzy]

The Story of My Father The Turkey

[Summrs]

A steak won't even thaw in an hour, much less 25 lbs of turkey.  What is he thinking?

Have you ever tried making him experiment on a non-holiday?  Buy him a turkey, tell him to leave it out for an hour and then check its thawedness.  Have him check it each hour, recording the results, until it reaches its unfrozen state.  Then make a sign for him. 

A 25 lb turkey usually takes about 3 or 4 days to thaw in the refrigerator. 

[quiet_dreamer]

I don't even know where to start, but lets say there is a reason I try to only see my family 3 times a year.

Going way back (well not that far) to when I was in highschool, my parents had my school picture on display (it really actually did look nice). My one charming uncle wandered over, looked at it and said "Gee that looks nice, you can't even tell you have bad acne. Bet you wish you looked like that all the time." That was bad enough, but later that night I was talking with my father in the kitchen (and yes I was a loud talker, I'm a dramatic person). When ex-aunt reached over and slapped her hand over my mouth and said "Children should be seen, not heard." It hurt a lot... but not as much as the fact that no one in my family said anything to that witch.

Oh yeah, one year, my grandfather (bless his senile soul) was overheard to say (about my Jewish father) "When I approved him all those years ago, I never approved a JEW." Awkward... but not as awkward as my grandmother continuing to serve ham at easter for several years after my family made the decision to become observant Jews, and began following kosher. (she also would cook the vegetables in pork fat... I almost miss those easter McDonald's runs).

[queelob]

My first holiday with BF's family was Easter.  We all drove out to his brother's house.  We were all sitting at the table eating Shepherd's Pie, when Dear BF blurted out,

"We have an announcement."

Everyone stared...

"Queelob is pregnant!"

I looked at him, horrified.  I was most certainly NOT pregnant!  I don't know where he got the idea that that was funny, but I was mortified.  I explained to everyone that I was.  not.  pregnant.

Next thing, BF's brother announces... "But SIL is!"

Their mother accused us for months of setting that up on purpose, but as far as I know it was coincidence.

[pierrotlunaire0]

As a follow up to the father and the turkey story (which, by the way, was hilarious), I used to work for a company that did a holiday pot luck at Christmas.  One year, the owner's son (mice guy, but ditzy as all get out) decided he was going to barbecue a turkey in the parking lot.  He put the frozen solid 25 pound turkey on the grill at 10 am for a noon meal.  Those of us who had cooked turkeys before, huddled in corners, muttering that we were not going to go near it at the lunch.  At 11:30 he took it off the grill.  It was done!  I kept saying, "How can it be done?"  Well the timer popped up!  Yeah, because it was one inch away from red hot coals.  So at 11:50, he went to carve it (no one else would go near it).  And not only was it not done, but 1/4 inch below the surface, it was still frozen solid.  It was quietly dumped into the garbage, and no one else made reference to it.

Yuck!

[Bluenomi]

The Story of My Father The Turkey

You should buy 2 turkeys. Hide one that will actually get defrosted and eaten and let your Dad do what he wishes with the other one 

[Twik]

Anyone here ever hear Stuart McLean's "Dave Cooks the Turkey"?

"Sir, we think this turkey has been abused".

[StuckInCube]

After sifting through holiday memories and finding wayyyy too many bad ones, I finally thought of one that is gross but kind of funny.

My step-dad's family takes turn hosting a Christmas Eve gathering. It was my parent's year to host so everyone was gathered at the cabin, eating and doing all the usual Christmas stuff. There were a lot of little kids there that year as I think everyone in that family spawned at around the same time. Unfortunately one of the kids had the flu, and instead of staying home her mom and dad decided it would be fun to bring her and infect everyone.

Little Susan is sitting at the table after dinner, decked out in her holiday dress, looking a little peaked. All of a sudden she says, "I don't feel very well" and without further ado vomits all over the dinner table.

All of us just stand there in shock. But then the chain reaction begins. Little Rachel, sitting next to Susan, takes one look at the steaming pile of goo and starts gagging. Then, lo and behold Rachel is vomiting right alongside Susan, adding her own pile to the table.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.The other kids see and smell this and the vomit fest pretty much continues down the whole length of the table. It happened so fast that the adults were all still standing there, mouths agape.

My mom, with years of ER experience, assesses the situation and springs into action. She whipped that table cloth off and had it outside in the snow before the rest of us even took a step! Luckily that swift removal stopped the rest of us from having our own go at vomiting.

Little Susan and her parents were told to go home, the other kids were told to go clean up, and the rest of the evening continued. Sometime later all of us were sitting there and the giggling started, then the full out laughter as we all realized we just watched 5 kids vomit in an almost choreographed manner.

Oh yeah, and I proceeded to get sick myself and spent the rest of the holiday in bed cursing folks who bring their sick children to family gatherings!!!

[Gambitgirl]

I should also mention that because Cousin is a disabled but hormonal teenage boy, he also spent much of the previous six hours pleasuring himself to 'C is for Cookie'.  I will never be able to watch Sesame Street in exactly the same way again.  

ok, i am so going to hell for this b/c he is autistic and can't help himself...but that made me die laughing! *hangs head in shame*

[alli_wan]

I should also mention that because Cousin is a disabled but hormonal teenage boy, he also spent much of the previous six hours pleasuring himself to 'C is for Cookie'.  I will never be able to watch Sesame Street in exactly the same way again.  

ok, i am so going to hell for this b/c he is autistic and can't help himself...but that made me die laughing! *hangs head in shame*

Oh, don't feel bad.  My aunt, when she was alive, always tried to have a sense of humor about the situation.  One year I bought both cousins shirts from the American Society for Cell Biology and Autistic Cousin's shirt said (with prior approval from Aunt) "On a Cellular Level, I'm Really Quite Busy."  Aunt loved it and reported back that within an hour of him arriving at school, his teachers were calling, cracking up over it.

Of course while Aunt was alive she also didn't give him total free rein to the point where someone was subjected to 6 hours of Unrestrained Obliviousness to Others by themselves.  Usually I'm able to handle Cousin in minor doses, but between his new medications, poor supervision, and hormones, it's basically become his only activity, so I was kind of at the end of my rope by then.

[Brentwood]

A steak won't even thaw in an hour, much less 25 lbs of turkey.  What is he thinking?

Have you ever tried making him experiment on a non-holiday?  Buy him a turkey, tell him to leave it out for an hour and then check its thawedness.  Have him check it each hour, recording the results, until it reaches its unfrozen state.  Then make a sign for him. 

A 25 lb turkey usually takes about 3 or 4 days to thaw in the refrigerator. 

I'd allow more than 3 or 4 days for a 25-pounder. I've had 14-lb turkeys that were still frozen in the center after 4 days. I have a 16-lb turkey I am planning to serve on Christmas Day. I took it out of the freezer on Monday night, so it could have the whole week to thaw.

[dawbs]

Somewhere, there is a video.
 my parents had limited contact with some family.

One year, it was decided to *try* to all get along for christmas.  So my mom and all 5 of her siblings (with their respective families) descended on grandma's house...along with grandpa's 6 children.  (her mom and my grandpa had just gotten married...and it was a whirlwind romance).

My parents brought their well behaved dog--it was invited by grandma.
My step-aunt brought her well behaved cat--it was invited by grandpa.

Cat HATED dogs.  Dog HATED cats.  They were seperated.  I'm not sure what went wrong, but while everyone was in the living room, opening gifts (a loud and chaotic endeavor with this crew--they're fun but..."interesting"), cat darted up the tree, and Dog followed.  The entire thing came tumbling down...
BUT...my parents, who were sitting closest, popped the tree back up.
Somehow, w/o anyone noticing, they cleaned up everything, seperated the pets, and stood the tree back up.

No one would have ever known, but the video camera was on.
And someone decided to *watch* the video...
and everyone was amazed it happened.

(and step-aunt was furious that dog had 'attacked' her cat.  She eventually forgave us, but I"m not sure she ever forgve Dog  )