Afraid boyfriend's father thinks ill of me

[lisichka]

Hello, I am new here...have never really posted to a messageboard before but had found this site some time ago while helping my cousin plan her wedding. Now, it seems, I have my own etiquette dilemma.

I am a European university-aged girl dating an American boy of the same age. It bears mentioning that I spent much of my childhood in a country known (in America) for it's "mail-order brides", and I have very heavy descent from the country, as well. I have been living in America for over five years now, and am well assimilated -- fluent in English, here legally, everything. I am not in university at the moment because I am unsure what path to pursue, or even if extended study is right for me. My situation is such that I will be able to live comfortably without a career, so for now, I am taking a break.

Now that you have the backstory, let me tell you the problem. I have been very seriously involved with this young man for just about a year now. We have a wonderful relationship, which is not surprising as we had corresponded constantly and quite amicably for the past five years (we were introduced through a mutual offline friend). We both live separately in the city where he attends university, and I met his parents for the first time in August. We have met on several occasions since then, and I have found them to be very friendly and agreeable, and felt most accepted. When my boyfriend asked what they thought of me, they both unwaveringly approved of me, and as far as we both knew, still did.

Now, my boyfriend is set to graduate university in December, and his parents know that since I have moved here in August, I have not had a job nor attended school. My family funds my living, not my boyfriend, although he does buy things for me sometimes (and his father must know this as he has made note that boyfriend's spending habits have increased). Yesterday, my boyfriend told me something  that really surprised (and hurt) me. Over the winter holiday, his father sat down with him and, rather bluntly, accused me of "putting my life on hold while (I) wait around for (him) to marry me". He also said that the amount of time we spent together seemed unhealthy.

This is a reaction that my boyfriend has never seen from his usually quite rational father, and I do not understand from where it could have come. He sees them only about once a month, and the past two or three times I have been invited to a gathering with his family, I was unable to make it -- and in fact, was not in the country for the entire winter holiday. I am not sure how that constitutes spending too much time together, as the only indication he has that we do would be my boyfriend's sister who merely said "they spend a lot of their time together". Neither my boyfriend nor I have ever mentioned an engagement or marriage to anyone, especially his parents! And there has been no indication from anyone that I was looking for a marriage. Honestly, the only reason I can think of this is that the father fears I am a "mail order bride" and just looking for a greencard or an easy life. On my second or third meeting with them, he took me aside as I was leaving and asked me if I was an American citizen, and how it came to be. He claimed that a colleague of his was interested to know, but now I really wonder.

Please, am I thinking irrationally? The odd thing is that his father is still quite eager to have me along with my boyfriend on visits, and I have been invited to a beach trip coming later in the year. What should I make of all of this...and how should I act to my boyfriend's father when next I see him? I know I ought be polite, but it may be a bit hard. Thank you.

[Verruca]

::hugs:: I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, lisichka.

What your boyfriend's father imagines your motives to be is between him and your boyfriend - and if I had any sort of personal relationship with you as a couple or your boyfriend in particular, I would be ripping him a new one for his lapse in judgement in telling you something that can only make you feel uncomfortable and hurt.

But now that you know, I would still act around your boyfriend's father as if you had no idea what he was thinking.  I don't think you're thinking irrationally, but there's nothing you can do about it.  Spend time with your boyfriend's family when you're invited so that your boyfriend's father can get to know you better - it sounds like he's eager to get to know you, and once he is, maybe he'll think differently of you.  Don't forget to make sure that your boyfriend continues to spend time with his parents on his own.

Please don't think that this man's thinking reflects on you in any way, Lisichka - your boyfriend's father is ignorant at best and your boyfriend may have had other relationships that were "unhealthy".

I'm of Asian descent, born in the US, and when I was nineteen, my then-boyfriend's mother sat him down and told him that while she thought I was a wonderful girl, of course I wasn't proper wife material - he'd want to marry someone who wouldn't hurt his career prospects - someone of the same race.  We'd been dating for all of three months.

All that to say that I know how confusing and hurtful your situation is, Lisichka.  Continue to be yourself and you'll be fine.

[EvilAlice]

Frankly,  I can understand the father's concerns.  But he should have discussed them with his son, and it was very rude of him to grill you about it.

If I had a son, or if it was one of my nephews in your boyfriends situation, I'd probably be a little worried too if I didn't know the whole story.  Your nationality has nothing to do with it.  Sadly, there are women whose greatest goal in life is to get married and not have to work.  Knowing that the young man was dating someone who didn't go to school or have a job, I think it's a legitimate concern that he has run across one of those kinds of women.  They may be concerned that you are used to being supported and will expect their son to do the same if you get married.

They seem to like you, and maybe it's even more surprising to them that, intelligent as you are, that you don't really do anything.  Hence the suspicion.

If you really care about your boyfriend, I think this is a situation where you have to look past the rudeness of the father and somehow address their concerns.  It really should be up to your boyfriend to explain your situation to them.

It's just very uncommon, in my opinion, to run across people who don't have to work.  It's hard for people to wrap their minds around.

[LeoGirlChelsea]

lisichka, I really feel for you since I'm in the similar situation (I'm Asian, my DH is Caucasian). Some people just don't know how to behave around a 'new' type of people (like you) - for example, every time I talk about discrimination I have faced in this (European) country, my MIL (my fiancee's mom) thinks it's a joke or insists 'these people had no bad intentions'.  I love her dearly, she's very nice to me, but basically there's nothing I can do about it. You really can't change people. Sure, your positive behaviour can contribute to change somebody's opinion, but THEY need to (willingly) change themselves. But don't feel too bad about it - my uni teacher (African American), who married Danish man, once said to me: "Others' opinion doesn't really matter. You two's feeling only matters in the relationship". I think it's very true (as far as something very anti-social/criminal does not go on). 

That said, I'm basically with EvilAlice on this matter. For some people, not working/doing educational thing is just the proof of 'laziness', period. Usually it's something to do with their work ethics (my family has a similar thing, and we are from working class if you ask me).  And for them, your financial dependence on your family might appear to be a little 'troublesome' - maybe the father thinks that you will depend on your boyfriend (and his family) in a future. Have you ever talked to him about your future plan/the reason why you are out of education/career?  Next time you are invited, talk about those with passion and future perspective.

Good luck!

[Buffy2424]

Even if you happened to have zero ambition, that's really nobody's business.  But anyway, in my experience it's completely common for an international student to be living off largess (or loans, or whatever).

I don't think a response is warranted since you already 'let it go' when the father so rudely accused you of pining for a husband. 

I say, just be polite but not overly friendly to him in particular.  Don't mention it. 

If it comes up again, wonder aloud why people don't say the same about men who take semesters off school.

[Verruca]

Oooh, Alice and Chelsea brought up a point I hadn't thought about - particularly in the US, it's very odd (and for some people, a little suspect) to find a young single woman who lives alone but neither works nor goes to school.  That might be contributing in a big way towards your boyfriend's father's concerns.

It's still none of his business since there's been no evidence that you and your boyfriend have ever considered marriage, and you certainly don't need to change your plans or your lifestyle, but it might be healthier for you to think of it in these terms - "He just doesn't understand the way I choose to live" - then to think of it as "He doesn't like me because I'm of X nationality."

[JoyinVirginia]

Now, my boyfriend is set to graduate university in December, and his parents know that since I have moved here in August, I have not had a job nor attended school. My family funds my living, not my boyfriend, although he does buy things for me sometimes (and his father must know this as he has made note that boyfriend's spending habits have increased). Yesterday, my boyfriend told me something  that really surprised (and hurt) me. Over the winter holiday, his father sat down with him and, rather bluntly, accused me of "putting my life on hold while (I) wait around for (him) to marry me". He also said that the amount of time we spent together seemed unhealthy.
This is a reaction that my boyfriend has never seen from his usually quite rational father, and I do not understand from where it could have come...  The odd thing is that his father is still quite eager to have me along with my boyfriend on visits, and I have been invited to a beach trip coming later in the year. What should I make of all of this...and how should I act to my boyfriend's father when next I see him? I know I ought be polite, but it may be a bit hard. Thank you.

I am speaking from perspective of a parent of 19 yo, and as someone who dated someone from a country far, far away when I was in university. You should act as if you never knew about this conversation. Yes, it will be hard, but your actions and spending time with your BF's family is the only way you will demonstrate your good intentions or lack of serious intentions.
When I dated someone from another country, my mother was TERRIFIED - that I would move far, far away! She didn't want to drive me away, or make me feel defensive so I would cling to then-boyfriend tighter, so she was VERY polite to BF and wanted to get to know him. When she and I were together along, she came up with all the many, many reasons against marrying and moving to country Far, Far Away. then-BF and I had NOT discussed marriage, but she was thinking ahead.
Your BF's father is speaking from his age and greater life experience, which has probably included knowing an American who married someone from another country and then proceeded to help the entire extended family come to America. Or he has heard about a couple having kids, then breaking up, and parent from other country leaves the US and goes back to Other Country with grandchildren, never to be seen again. Or maybe he is afraid that his son would want to move to Other Country. BF's father is thinking "worst case scenario". And he SHOULD - it is his job description as a parent to ask really personal questions of his son and point out the possible "worse case scenarios" that son should consider. He WANTS to get to know you, spend more time with you, and have you around the family to try and figure out 1)is this Serious relationship - that could possibly lead to marriage? 2) Are your intentions toward his son honorable.
Not to criticise your decisions or circumstances, but just One more opinion to share - if my 19 yo DD was dating someone who was not working, not in school, and dependent on others (even family) for support, I would be very doubtful that involvement with someone with so little ambition would lead to a satisfying relationship.
Joy in Virginia

[Clara Bow]

While nationality wasn't the problem in my situation (hubby and I are both of the same race and we're both American), I think I may have faced something in the same ballpark as you.
I was a waitress when my hubby (an x-ray tech) and I got engaged. I had flunked out of college and was living at home with my folks. On paper I have to admit I looked pretty bad. Hubby's father and stepmother went out of their way to be nasty to me, and call me a gold-digger and everything else. And for some reason they wanted to make a big issue of my weight...more than likely just to hurt me.
The biggest issue that they had was that they wanted to run hubby's life and there was really no woman who was ever going to meet with their approval unless they hand picked her for him. You may be facing some of this as well. Just because you aren't perfect on paper they're pitching a fit because they want to be the ones with the ultimate say so.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and best of luck. As a disapproved of daughter in law I can tell you it's not always easy, but being with your man is definitely worth it.

[Buffy2424]

Oh, I didn't take note of the fact that he said the boyfriend down for this talk, not you.  In that case, it's different.  Still makes you feel awful, but at least they are gracious to you. 

You have to ignore it.  But I'm mad on your behalf.  That is so presumptious and sexist. You've only been "off" for what, 4-5 months so far?  I'm willing to someone in your boyfriend's immediate family has been unemployed for longer than that.

[Clara Bow]

Not to mention the fact that you're self-sufficient and not sponging...and you're an adult allowed to make her own decisions.

[magicdomino]

I've been thinking about how I would feel if your boyfriend was my son.  I have to admit, not working or going to school for several months would really bother me, even if you were wealthy enough to never work at all.  Do you at least have a part-time job or full-time volunteer work?

[kareng57]

I'll be the devil's advocate here - I can understand where BF's father is coming from, I think.

As others have said, in North America it's pretty uncommon for a young woman to be living on her own with no job, not going to school, with her family subusidising her expenses.  Certainly it's not uncommon to take a semester or two off from college - but usually people are at least getting some sort of occupation in the meantime, even if it's volunteer work.  My sons are in the same age-range, and I'd have to say that if either of them started a serious relationship with someone who had similar circumstances, I too would be asking serious questions.  For example, is her family subsidising her just long enough till she finds a husband?  Would she also plan on not pursuing employment after they were married?

I understand that this may not be the case with you at all, of course.  But most loving parents do try to keep their adult children from making the wrong decision, if at all possible.

[Sharnita]

I don't think it is your nationality that is the problem. I think it is that, at least in the eyes of his dad, you "aren't doing anything". I have no idea how it is in other countries but in America people tend to be very work oriented. People who can afford not to work are still expected to do something - volunteering, clubs and organizations. The fact that you don't have identifiable commitments that take up your time on a scheduled basis leave his dad to believe your bf takes up all that "free time".

I can not think of a single parent I know who would be plreased with their kid having a SO who has no job, no school and no plan. Your BFs dad would be unhappy with this situation if you were born and bred in his hometown.

[Twik]

lisichka, as others have said, the problem is that your lifestyle is, by North American standards, very much not the norm. I have a friend who's shocked - shocked! - that her son's girlfriend merely attends university full-time, and has no part-time job or other activities. Over the past 50 years, the idea that women don't "need" to work has practically vapourized - the only real excuse for not working outside the home is that one is doing the equivalent to full-time paid work by looking after the children, cleaning, cooking, managing the family's daily finances and so forth. A single person living by herself can't really claim this, unfortunately.

So, what can you do about it? You need to convince your boyfriend's father that you are not simply someone who has no intention of ever working as long as you can find someone who'll support you. It's not unheard of for young people to take some time off to take stock in their lives, and where they want to go - but you'll have to convince your BF's father that this is what you're doing; let him know that this is temporary, not permanent. Perhaps you could ask him about his opinion on your future career choices, or discuss what your future goals are. Explain what you're doing with this time to plan your life, rather than just eating bonbons and watching soaps. He may not be as upset that you're not working as in you're not plotting the course of your future, which is really the most important job of all for a young person.

If, on the other hand, you can tell him that your family is so wealthy that neither you nor a prospective husband will ever have to work a day in their lives, that might work too. 

[Sharnita]

lisichka, this is kinda OT but have you considered job shadowing during this time as a method of figuring out what future career/life path is the right one for you. It seems like you might be free of obligations that would make that difficult for you right now.