Dealing with the minor holiday issues

[Belle]

In the spirit of the holidays and maintaining both our sanity and our etiquette, I thought it would be nice to start a thread where we talk about our holiday pet peeves and the things that tick us off, as well as how we deal with them graciously. The holidays can be wonderful, but spending more time with family can also bring out the worst in us sometimes! So, let's talk about how we've managed to deal with the holidays without throwing ourselves into e-hell.

I'll start. I'm grumpy over something that is so minor it's almost embarassing to mention it. Let's say that my name is Belle Smith and my husband's name is John Doe. I received two Christmas cards yesterday addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. My last name is not Doe, and will never be Doe, and my first name is most certainly NOT John.

I probably would have brushed it off without a thought (as I have with other similar cards), if not for two things. 1) The cards came from two relatives who know that I did not change my name when I married. 2) One of these two relatives has, in the past, told me I was going to he** for not believing the same things that she did. Then, despite knowing that my beliefs were very different than hers, she continually sent me spam e-mails that went on and on about how all the problems in the U.S./the world were because of people who had my beliefs, and we we are all evil, evil people. Uh, thanks, good to know you think I'm evil and the cause of all moral decay in the U.S. So this feels a bit like another stab at me, as if all good women are supposed to change their names.

So, to receive the cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe just irked me to no end.

But, I will let it go, and the only thing I will do in response is to make sure that the Christmas cards I send to them state in very clear, big letters that the card is from MS. BELLE SMITH AND MR. JOHN DOE. (And I will resist sending their cards to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Herlastname, which would not be particularly polite!)

Minor, I know, very, very minor!

So, how do you deal with the silly holiday issues in a polite manner?

[Hijinks]

I had that problem addressing a Christmas card this year.  My friend Jane Smith married John Doe but kept her name.  I didn't want to address each of them on two different lines because they have a daughter, and I have no idea whether the daughter's name is Smith-Doe or Smith or Doe or what.  So I addressed it to "The Smith-Doe Family."

I guess maybe give them a little bit of a break - it's hard to know the proper etiquette of such a thing.

My biggest pet peeve of the holiday season is people who are all about the presents and nothing else.

[nliedel]

This is a recent conversation that really bothered me.

Neighbor: "What is your favorite pizza?"

Me: "Jet's"

Neighbor: "Cause I want to get you a present, but I can't afford to get you anything. It will be very hard, but I think I can get you a coupon for pizza."

Me: "That's okay, you don't have to do that."

Neighbor: "That's a relief."

We've never exchanged gifts before. I have no idea what that exchange was about, except she wanted to get out of getting me anything. Now, she's telling me that her daughter wants some stuff for Christmas and where to buy it. Um, no. I watch her kids for free, 14 hours a week. She exchanges by watching mine for four and is always trying to get out of it, by saying how busy she is. Sorry, but I am home every day at two to watch her children. If it's that hard for her to exchange, she can pay me for it. I am not including her, nor her children on my gift list. I just wish she would stop mentioning it to me.

Bah Humbug.

[Belle]

I had that problem addressing a Christmas card this year.  My friend Jane Smith married John Doe but kept her name.  I didn't want to address each of them on two different lines because they have a daughter, and I have no idea whether the daughter's name is Smith-Doe or Smith or Doe or what.  So I addressed it to "The Smith-Doe Family."

I guess maybe give them a little bit of a break - it's hard to know the proper etiquette of such a thing.

My biggest pet peeve of the holiday season is people who are all about the presents and nothing else.

I have gotten several other cards addressed the same way, and those just roll off my back. I think it was probably more who these cards were from  than anything else.

And you're right--I do think people are lost on the etiquette of it. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out how to address my cards to friends who have different last nams. My coworker, who was well-intentioned and polite, once tried to insist that it was proper to address me as Mrs. John Smith. Really, that's no more appropriate than people addressing my husband as Mr. Belle Doe. I usually put both names on the same line, but keep them separate: "Mr. John Smith and Ms. Belle Doe." I think it would probably be fine to address them as "The Smith-Doe Family," for an alternative.

[Bijou]

Your issue probably bothers you outside of the season, too, and as such needs to be addressed so you can at least come to terms with it.  But, after all, how often will you be getting mail from these folks?  And they sent the card to make your holiday brighter, not to put a damper on it.  It's good you can accept it in the spirit in which it is given and let the joy of the season override these little annoyances.

[Belle]

Your issue probably bothers you outside of the season, too, and as such needs to be addressed so you can at least come to terms with it.  But, after all, how often will you be getting mail from these folks?  And they sent the card to make your holiday brighter, not to put a damper on it.  It's good you can accept it in the spirit in which it is given and let the joy of the season override these little annoyances.

Eaxctly. I figured there are probably plenty of little things like this that would annoy people at any time, but we're more likely to encounter our pet peeves during the holidays because that's when we spend vast quantities of time with family and friends.

So what minor irks have you encountered and how did you handle it?

[Bijou]

Your issue probably bothers you outside of the season, too, and as such needs to be addressed so you can at least come to terms with it.  But, after all, how often will you be getting mail from these folks?  And they sent the card to make your holiday brighter, not to put a damper on it.  It's good you can accept it in the spirit in which it is given and let the joy of the season override these little annoyances.

Eaxctly. I figured there are probably plenty of little things like this that would annoy people at any time, but we're more likely to encounter our pet peeves during the holidays because that's when we spend vast quantities of time with family and friends.

So what minor irks have you encountered and how did you handle it?

None that I can recall.  I think I'm actually less likely to notice minor etiquette offenses during the holiday.  Maybe my mood and focus are just different at this time of year, with all the stuff going on. 

[veryfluffy]

Belle, I'm right with you on this one. It's minor, but incredibly annoying.

I give a pass to people who don't know me well, or have never encountered my surname. I do not give a pass to people who should know better. None of these are aging relatives -- they are people my age or younger who KNOW that I did not change my name. One is particularly egregious, because she swore she wouldn't change her beautiful, historic, unusual and interesting name for her husband's dull name which sounds ghastly with her first name, and then gave in to the pressure to do so. If I can remember to address her by her new married name, then I think she should have the courtesy to use my correct name. It comes across as very insecure and defensive of her when she writes Mr. and Mrs. on our cards. This year I deliberately wrote our full names on the return address when I sent her card: Dr. Very Fluffy and Mr. Darling Husband.

I tend to hand the wrongly addressed cards to my DH, and say "Here's another one addressed to you and your ex-wife." (DH's first wife changed her name.)

[nrb80]

In the spirit of the holidays and maintaining both our sanity and our etiquette, I thought it would be nice to start a thread where we talk about our holiday pet peeves and the things that tick us off, as well as how we deal with them graciously. The holidays can be wonderful, but spending more time with family can also bring out the worst in us sometimes! So, let's talk about how we've managed to deal with the holidays without throwing ourselves into e-hell.

I'll start. I'm grumpy over something that is so minor it's almost embarassing to mention it. Let's say that my name is Belle Smith and my husband's name is John Doe. I received two Christmas cards yesterday addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. My last name is not Doe, and will never be Doe, and my first name is most certainly NOT John.

I probably would have brushed it off without a thought (as I have with other similar cards), if not for two things. 1) The cards came from two relatives who know that I did not change my name when I married. 2) One of these two relatives has, in the past, told me I was going to he** for not believing the same things that she did. Then, despite knowing that my beliefs were very different than hers, she continually sent me spam e-mails that went on and on about how all the problems in the U.S./the world were because of people who had my beliefs, and we we are all evil, evil people. Uh, thanks, good to know you think I'm evil and the cause of all moral decay in the U.S. So this feels a bit like another stab at me, as if all good women are supposed to change their names.

So, to receive the cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe just irked me to no end.

But, I will let it go, and the only thing I will do in response is to make sure that the Christmas cards I send to them state in very clear, big letters that the card is from MS. BELLE SMITH AND MR. JOHN DOE. (And I will resist sending their cards to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Herlastname, which would not be particularly polite!)

Minor, I know, very, very minor!

So, how do you deal with the silly holiday issues in a polite manner?

I say this as a married woman who did not change her last name.

The best way to deal with this is to simply not care.  Yes, I realize that you should be addressed as you prefer.  However, you're not going to change them, and being irked is something that raises your blood pressure without actually accomplishing anything.

You're doing the right thing - sign your name as you wish to be addressed, and ignore the slight of being addressed incorrectly. 

[smuflo]

Just a quick note to start -- I might be wrong, but I think if you did take your DH's last name, it would be correct to write Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.  It is old fashioned, but I believe that if you take your husband's last name, you can be considered Mrs. Joe Smith. I'm not positive though.

My husband and I have your problem x2 because we both changed our names (I've mentioned this before).  My last name was "Jones", his was "Smith."  We are now both Mr. and Mrs. Jones-Smith.  Any kids we have will be Kid Jones-Smith.  We went with Jones-Smith instead of Smith-Jones b/c the former flows better.  (note, names were changed  )

We get cards in every permutation you can imagine.  The only one that ticks me off is my DH's aunt who insists, despite many gentile reminders, to send us cards (and checks for our birthdays) to Mr. and Mrs Smith.  For the cards, I just let it roll off because I don't really mind.  However, the bank doesn't like cashing checks to SMuFlo Smith when their records say my name is SMuFlo Jones-Smith.  I have to get her to rewrite them every year, or we just destroy them and tell we did so.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Well, one thing that drives me crazy during the holidays is my cousin's crazy gift list charts.  No, not what you're thinking!  We draw names every year, and make short (3 item) wish lists.  My cousin, who arranges the whole thing, makes a chart every year, and it's always arranged in some bizarre way, and every year half of us have to email or call her to figure out who we're actually shopping for.  This year, she had 5 columns.  Your Name, The Person You're Buying For, Your 1st Choice, Your 2nd Choice, and Your 3rd Choice.  Thanks Cousin, but I already know what I want for Christmas, why not tell me what the person I'm buying for wants?

I'm also tired of my mom turning into Martha Stewart's evil twin when she hosts, and expecting me to help her.  I don't mind the actual cleaning and rearranging and such, but I'm pretty tired of her turning into a raving lunatic and telling me 10 different jobs at a time.  Either tell me one or two things, and wait to tell me the others, or write a list for me to consult and leave me alone.  I'm also tired of "Grab the thingamawhatsit, you know where it is."  No, Mom, I moved out 7 YEARS AGO, and since then you've remodeled the kitchen, literally tearing down a wall, rebuilding everything in an entirely different style, and I have no way of knowing where the cutting board is.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Oh, and having to send out a Christmas card to the one guy who actually cares.  We see you once a year, man.  It's nice of you to send a card, but we're not card people.  Now, because of you, we either have to go out and buy a single card for way more than it's worth, or buy an assortment pack and try to keep track of which ones you've already gotten.  And by the way, why do card companies not make assortment packs with one of each card?  They make 16 different styles, why not put all 16 in one box?

[abunce121]

Belle, I'm right with you on this one. It's minor, but incredibly annoying.

I give a pass to people who don't know me well, or have never encountered my surname. I do not give a pass to people who should know better.

Belle and veryfluffy, I am with you as well..I did not change my name when we got married.  For the last 7 years, my name has been the same as it has been for the 25 years before that.    There are certain people I would give a pass to on the Mr. & Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname, including my husband's grandmother (who did that our first married Xmas, but has always gotten it right since then with nary a word said by us).

HOWEVER, my husband's paternal aunt doing it on our Xmas cards drives me right up the wall.   He spoke to her about it several years back, so I know she knows what she's doing....the part that makes it especially annoying?

She prides herself on her morality, her religion, her old-fashioned values, and is a little on the self-righteous side, to put it mildly...and I know she feels that it is somehow improper for me to have not taken his name.....but she herself had a child out of wedlock ~25 years ago and has never been married.    It's the hypocrisy that gets me.

BUT it's his aunt, I rarely have to see her, and so I throw the envelope away and we hang her card on the wall with everyone else's.   

[nrb80]

In the spirit of the holidays and maintaining both our sanity and our etiquette, I thought it would be nice to start a thread where we talk about our holiday pet peeves and the things that tick us off, as well as how we deal with them graciously. The holidays can be wonderful, but spending more time with family can also bring out the worst in us sometimes! So, let's talk about how we've managed to deal with the holidays without throwing ourselves into e-hell.

I'll bite.  I cannot, cannot stand people with poor table manners.  It drives me batty.  Especially people who chew with their mouth open.  I have a lovely relative who talks and chews.  It grosses me out, and I strain to be polite.

I know the answer is not to sweat this sort of thing, but it's hard!

[Belle]

In the spirit of the holidays and maintaining both our sanity and our etiquette, I thought it would be nice to start a thread where we talk about our holiday pet peeves and the things that tick us off, as well as how we deal with them graciously. The holidays can be wonderful, but spending more time with family can also bring out the worst in us sometimes! So, let's talk about how we've managed to deal with the holidays without throwing ourselves into e-hell.

I'll bite.  I cannot, cannot stand people with poor table manners.  It drives me batty.  Especially people who chew with their mouth open.  I have a lovely relative who talks and chews.  It grosses me out, and I strain to be polite.

I know the answer is not to sweat this sort of thing, but it's hard!

Ahh, I would have such a problem with that. Is it rude to not look at a person when they're talking to you/you're talking to them? I wonder, because I can't watch that without gagging.