SOs Not Respecting Gift Wishes

[jimithing]

My DH comes from a family where everyone gives gifts for everything.  I don't.  It kind of irritates me that we spend so much money every year on adult birthday presents, but that's beside the point.

DH and I have been together for over 4 years, and this comes up every year, at Christmas and for my birthday.  He asks me what I want.  I am not big on getting gifts, and I would much rather we do something, like go out to a really nice restaurant for dinner, get a couple's massage, etc.  So, I tell him this everytime, and yet, he will then do that, and still spend an additional $100 on a gift card or another present.  It's very thoughtful, but I don't want it. 

I just had a conversation about limiting our gifts to each other to $25-$30.  We had more gifts to buy this year than normal, and our budget is a bit tighter. I do the finances, so I know exactly where things are. He told me that he didn't want to do that, and the gift he wanted to buy me was a lot more.  I have told him numerous times that I really don't want anything, that I just want something small, and then do a nice Christmas dinner, and go to a movie.  That is honestly all I want.  He's not respecting that.

I think that he's getting me something because he wants to, and he's really not taking my needs or wants into consideration.  I think that he doesn't understand how someone could possibly not want a gift.  He told me what he wants, and that's what I am getting him.  It's about $30.

Does anyone else experience this?  How do you deal with the situation?

[wheeitsme]

I think that he's getting me something because he wants to, and he's really not taking my needs or wants into consideration. 

Other than telling him this, and if he gets you something anyway, returning it, I don't have any suggestions.

I can tell you that one year my Mom and Dad decided to recover some chairs as their anniversary present, just that.  Then my Dad went and got her 2 dozen yellow roses (not inexpensive).  She threw them away.  He never did that again.

How do I know?  I went to throw something away outside, and there were 2 dozen beautiful, fresh, yellow roses in the bin.  So I asked my Mom.  She was so upset.  I remember her saying "We had decided this together, and then he went ahead and did that.  And there I was with nothing for him." 

[Chocolate Cake]

Question:  Does your DH abide by the household budget for other categories of expense (eating out, "toys", etc.)?   Or, does he have a tendency to over-spend across the board?

[Xallanthia]

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman?  There's a lot of junk in there but I do think the basic points are fairly sound, and it sounds like your husband has been raised to translate gifts into love, whereas you sound more like a quality time kind of person (dinner, movie).  How does he feel about the gifts you give him?

In any case, if he really is trying to say "I love you" this way it would be a pity not to appreciate the thought, in my opinion.

[platys]

In some families, what you spend on people is seen as an expression of how much you love them.  My family is big, big on gift giving.  I'd have a really hard time if my BF told me to not buy him a Christmas present - while I know that I love him no matter what I get him, it'd be pretty painful to just, say, go out to dinner.

I'd try to respect his wishes, of course.  But I'd want to get him something.  Also, do you get presents for you SO?  While you  might like a dinner out or a couples massage, he might like something actually tangible, and this is how he's telling you.

[veryfluffy]

I've just been having this exact same conversation with DH. I don't want any more stuff, no more jewellery, no trinkets. He loves getting me presents. He's very good at it. But I have enough stuff. There's a few things I need for the house, and if he wanted to get that (maybe a slightly more extravant version than I would buy), I'd be fine with that. I said, "If you love me, you'll get me what I want, which is NOTHING." So he was out Christmas shopping today, anyway. And came back with stuff.

A related problem is that he is impossible to shop for. I have gotten depressed every year because something that I thought was fun, or thoughtful, or nice has been rather less than appreciated. This year I got him two things that he has specifically asked for, and that's it. I refuse to do it again.

[Squeaks]

Tell him  your gift to him will be letting him spend more on you and accepting it graciously since that is what he wants to do. i.e. your gift is letting him do what he wants.

[lady_disdain]

I think that, for your husband and his family, giving gifts is a very real manifestation of love. So it hurts him not to give you gifts (even if he truly doesn't expect you to give him anything).

So you are in a difficult situation: you really don't want to receive a gift and he really wants to give them to you.

When dealing with this, please remember that, since this is an expression of love, rejecting it can hurt your DH deeply.

[MiladyOak]

I think that, for your husband and his family, giving gifts is a very real manifestation of love. So it hurts him not to give you gifts (even if he truly doesn't expect you to give him anything).

So you are in a difficult situation: you really don't want to receive a gift and he really wants to give them to you.

When dealing with this, please remember that, since this is an expression of love, rejecting it can hurt your DH deeply.

Pod. I am the same way with my Dh. I drove him crazy our first year of marriage by constantly getting him stuff. Even if we didn't have much money, I'd find something for him. It was (is) my way of showing him that I love him, and makes me feel good. He wasn't used to it, but now accepts it as something that makes me happy (and gets him some pretty cool stuff ).

It's not about the physical stuff, it's a way of saying, "See, I'm thinking of you!", kwim?

[rashea]

Tell him you want a gc to a restaurant you love. Then take him out to dinner with it. Or tell him to get things that are in other areas of your budget, like clothes. Then move the money around.

[Just Lori]

A few years ago, my husband bought me a piece of jewelry that I didn't particularly love.  Because we share the bills, I found out how much it cost, and it cost way more than I'm used to spending on myself.  Now, I'm a Target jewelry kind of woman.  Get me something inexpensive, something that I don't have to worry about losing.  This was definitely not Target jewelry.

He was so excited about that piece.  He grew up watching his dad buy his mom "nice" jewelry, and he looked forward to the day he could do that for his wife.  He was really proud of the fact that he had reached that point.  That's when I realized it wasn't about the jewelry, it was about letting my husband do something for me and realizing that the gesture went well beyond the jewelry store (which was not, by the way, Jared.)  I wear this piece a lot now, and I've grown to love it.

Now, there are people who will use gifts to control other people, or to maintain an upper hand in a relationship.  I don't think this was the case with my necklace, and I don't think it's the case with your husband.  Accept it graciously.  He's buying it because he loves you, not to spite you or to show you just what a stand up guy he is.  Let him give you the gift he wants to give you.

[jimithing]

Question:  Does your DH abide by the household budget for other categories of expense (eating out, "toys", etc.)?   Or, does he have a tendency to over-spend across the board?

We are pretty comfortable financially, and he doesn't overspend.  If anyone does, it's probably me.  Technically, we can afford for him to get me an expensive gift, but we've already overspent this holiday, and we are trying to put more money into savings than usual. 

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? 

I knew someone was going to bring this book up!    I actually agree with a lot that's in there.  DH definitely likes to receive love in the form of gifts, and I prefer time, especially when it comes to DH.

I actually love getting gifts from other people, but I think that the issue is that if there is something either of us want, we buy it.  It's our money anyway, and I would much rather spend quality, alone time with him.

Also, do you get presents for you SO?  While you  might like a dinner out or a couples massage, he might like something actually tangible, and this is how he's telling you.

I always get him what he wants, and I respect it.  Unless it's like this year when he wants a $600 laptop or a $300 shotgun.  Not going to happen for Christmas, especially the shotgun.  I don't give guns as gifts, to anyone. I don't expect him to want to go to dinner or get a massage for his gift.  Just mine.

I am always very gracious and tell him TY whenever he gives me a gift.  I knew that he would still want to give me something, so that's why I suggested we put a spending limit on our gifts.  He's at work until this evening, but I plan on sitting down with him and discussing this tonight, before he actually purchases the gift.

[Wonderflonium]

it was about letting my husband do something for me and realizing that the gesture went well beyond the jewelry store (which was not, by the way, Jared.)

*LOL* I hate those commercials!

[wheeitsme]

I am always very gracious and tell him TY whenever he gives me a gift.  I knew that he would still want to give me something, so that's why I suggested we put a spending limit on our gifts.  He's at work until this evening, but I plan on sitting down with him and discussing this tonight, before he actually purchases the gift.

I think this is a good idea. 

I think it's easy to say that this is his way of showing how much he loves you, but when his way of showing how much he loves you makes you feel like your wants and wishes are being disrespected, then something needs to be done.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

I agree with a lot of what's already been said here, regarding different ways of showing affection.  It can be hard to convince yourself that it really is okay to not buy a gift.  That seems to have been covered pretty thoroughly though, so I'll just share what popped into my head.

BF and I set rough gift budgets for our first few years together, but we found that it never worked for us.  Usually we both blew the budget.  After thinking about it for awhile, it occurred to me that we kept doing that because once that perfect gift idea gets into your head, it sticks.  You know, that one gift that you just know your sweetie would love and deserves?  And once that idea gets in there (which seems to have happened to your DH, jimithing), it seems almost wrong to not buy it.  When you're sharing expenses, it really IS the thought that counts, and he's excited about the thought he had.  This year, at least, I'd definitely have a good talk with him about next year, but if he's so positive that he's thought of a great gift, let him buy it (as long as it's financially feasible).  He's probably been jittery with anticipation since it occurred to him.

That said, your feelings are also important in this matter.  I think it's good that you're trying to find a compromise, but maybe the compromise you found isn't the best one for him.  When you talk to him, tell him that you understand where he's coming from, and you want to know what compromises he'd be happy with.  Maybe he'd prefer one gift, as opposed to a budget, or even a slightly larger budget than you suggested, or going all out for Christmas but not birthdays, or something.