SOs Not Respecting Gift Wishes

[purplemuse]

He was so excited about that piece.  He grew up watching his dad buy his mom "nice" jewelry, and he looked forward to the day he could do that for his wife.  He was really proud of the fact that he had reached that point.  That's when I realized it wasn't about the jewelry, it was about letting my husband do something for me and realizing that the gesture went well beyond the jewelry store (which was not, by the way, Jared.)  I wear this piece a lot now, and I've grown to love it.

That's really sweet 

[Sleepless]

I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone what they should or should not give me. What has worked for us is that we both have a certain amount of discretionary income per month. We can spend it any way we choose including extravagent gifts for the other, taking the other out to dinner, or on ourselves, or even the dogs. He tends to be pretty extravagent with gifts. This way I don't worry about what he spends, particularly on the adult neice and nephew who have never said thank you in any form or reciprocated in any way. When he asks for suggestions, I come up with a list that has a wide range of things in a variety of prices.

[jimithing]

I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone what they should or should not give me. What has worked for us is that we both have a certain amount of discretionary income per month. We can spend it any way we choose including extravagent gifts for the other, taking the other out to dinner, or on ourselves, or even the dogs. He tends to be pretty extravagent with gifts. This way I don't worry about what he spends, particularly on the adult neice and nephew who have never said thank you in any form or reciprocated in any way. When he asks for suggestions, I come up with a list that has a wide range of things in a variety of prices.

The problem is that he specifically asks what I want.  When I tell him that I just want to go to a nice dinner, he keeps pushing and asking what I "really want."  I have to tell him over and over that is what I want.  I don't know if he doesn't believe me or if he feels like he has to.  He also needs a lot of direction regarding gifts. 

He's not very spontaneous and has a hard time with coming up with things on his own.  I think that's what annoys me.  It's one thing if he just surprised me withough saying a word to me about it, but it's another when he asks over and over, get the same answer, and then gets me something else anyway.

[Xallanthia]

Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? 

I knew someone was going to bring this book up!    I actually agree with a lot that's in there.  DH definitely likes to receive love in the form of gifts, and I prefer time, especially when it comes to DH.

I actually love getting gifts from other people, but I think that the issue is that if there is something either of us want, we buy it.  It's our money anyway, and I would much rather spend quality, alone time with him.

Looking at this plus your last...  has he read the book?  Then again, it isn't a cure-all or 100% something I agree with, as I said.  But still.

He may be insisting on buying a "thing" as well because he knows that you haven't been really happy with his gifts so far and he thinks that if he finds the "right" thing, then you will be.  This may or may not be a conscious thought.  The rest of my thoughts on this refuse to come out coherantly just now, but do you get the drift?  Maybe he's used to people saying "oh, I only want xxx" because the person didn't feel comfortable asking that money be spent on them.

[Lady Espresso]

The problem is that he specifically asks what I want.  When I tell him that I just want to go to a nice dinner, he keeps pushing and asking what I "really want."  I have to tell him over and over that is what I want.  I don't know if he doesn't believe me or if he feels like he has to.  He also needs a lot of direction regarding gifts. 

He's not very spontaneous and has a hard time with coming up with things on his own.  I think that's what annoys me.  It's one thing if he just surprised me withough saying a word to me about it, but it's another when he asks over and over, get the same answer, and then gets me something else anyway.

Is there anything in general you might want? Maybe you were thinking at some point kitchen stuff would be nice, or some new jewelry? You might leave him some specialty catalogs to give him ideas, but let him know you do really want that dinner together. That way, you get your time with him, he gets to buy you stuff he picked out, and you get gifts from him you can probably use.

[AprilRenee]

I cannot NOT get dh a gift for Christmas. We've gotten mutual gifts before (like DirecTV) but feel like I HAVE to pick up something.

It's not even really about gifts=love. It's just more of showing him he's appreciative. If we do a big gift together I usually get him something fun and inexpensive.

What if you can tell him you want a CD or a gift card to dinner or something?

[jimithing]

I like the gift card idea to a restaurant.  I think I will suggest that as well.  Another thing that I am always good with is a spa day or a pedicure.  He does know this, but I think that he doesn't want to do the same thing every year.

[Mammavan]

There are so many layers to an issue like this.  Lori pointed out some of them.  Another is that many men need to feel like The Provider who is taking care of the woman he loves.  And I don't think that's chauvinistic because there are many ways that women take care of the men they love.

Another is the issue of control.  I know you're not trying to control his gift-giving, but it may feel like that to him, even if he doesn't realize it on a conscious level.

You are very blessed to have a loving husband who would like to give you the sun, the moon and the stars.  Perhaps part of your gift to him would be finding something that you would want/use/love that you could suggest to him.  A different version of the spa gc's he's already given you?  And if you can't think of anything, PM me, and I'll give you suggestions that you can send on to me.   

[jimithing]

I spoke with DH tonight, and he agreed on a $30 limit.  I told him that I really appreciated all of his thoughtful gifts, but when I say that I want something, that is truly what I want.  I asked him why he still feels the need to get me something else.  He said that he wants to get me something better.  He really is doing it out of thoughtfulness and love.  I told him that while I appreciated the thought and gesture, I really do just want what I say I want. 

We'll see what happens come Christmas Day.

[Bijou]

Two suggestions: 
Suggest something specific that he can get for you, besides the dinner part, and keep it to $30.
or
Tell him that you understand that his family are gift givers, and that you go along with that because it makes him happy.  Now, he needs to respect your take on gifts and your preferences, which is dinner and a movie, or whatever and that you consider this a gift, so he need not do more. 

[LadyClaire]

it was about letting my husband do something for me and realizing that the gesture went well beyond the jewelry store (which was not, by the way, Jared.)

*LOL* I hate those commercials!

Me too! They play them ALL THE TIME here, and the thing is, I don't think we even HAVE a Jared store!

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Jimithing, I thought of something last night.  Can you spin the spa day/dinner out as a cool new tradition, instead of the same old thing every year?  I can't explain it, but doing the same old thing every year seems much more appealing when it's presented as a comfortable tradition.

[bopper]

Well, I think it is better to be getting gifts that you don't really want then to have a husband who won't get you gifts when you really want them.

I was going to mention "Love Langauges" but another poster has beaten me to it...say to your DH "Honey, I know you like to get me gifts for Christmas even though I say I don't want them.  What really makes *me* feel loved is to spend time with you doing fun things, not stuff.  So I know you want to show me your love by getting me that <whatever>, but to me it is something I didn't really want.  I love that you want to do that for me, but I see it as part of a dinner out that we don't get to do."

[jimithing]

I was going to mention "Love Langauges" but another poster has beaten me to it...say to your DH "Honey, I know you like to get me gifts for Christmas even though I say I don't want them.  What really makes *me* feel loved is to spend time with you doing fun things, not stuff.  So I know you want to show me your love by getting me that <whatever>, but to me it is something I didn't really want.  I love that you want to do that for me, but I see it as part of a dinner out that we don't get to do."

This is exactly what happened for my birthday.  Since I do the finances, I know how much is spent.  He said that we were going to go out for a nice dinner, so I budgeted about $125 for it.  He then bought me a gift card for $100 as well.  Which meant that I didn't feel OK with spending an additional $100.  So, I told him that I wasn't really up to dressing up and let's just go to our favorite cheap restaurant.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings at the time, and he was so proud that he got me this gift card.