obvious re-gifting

[audrey1962]

My father's family always celebrates Christmas together. It is very important to Dad that both my brother and I be there. We also invite Dad's two sisters and their families. Over these past few years, I have begun to notice that my brother is giving my husband and I, along with my aunt, obvious re-gifts, while giving more lavish gifts to my father, his wife and her kids.

How would other e-hellions react to this?

My reaction:
I thank him the same as I would any other giver, then dispose of the gifts as I see fit. My aunt believes he's doing this to "suck up" to Dad, which is probably true. Regardless of what we are given, my husband and I still try to give my brother and his wife nice gifts.

Should we continue to give them thoughtful gifts when they obviously don't put any effort into their gift giving? We do enjoy giving gifts, and it will be VERY obvious at the family party that we did not give them anything. My father is not known for his tact or etiquette, so there's a possibility he may say something.

Or should we just stoop to their level and give them our re-giftings?

We'll probably just continue to give them thoughtful gifts, but I'm just curious as to other e-hellions thoughts on this.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

I wouldn't purposefully give them bad gifts, necessarily, because bad gifts are a waste of money all around, but I might not spend as much time and effort on finding just the perfect gift for them.  I wouldn't feel motivated to go all out, if you know what I mean.

Are you sure that there isn't some other reason for this?  Could they be having financial problems, and just aren't able to afford lavish gifts for everyone?  In this case, I still don't see why they wouldn't get a less expensive but equally thoughtful gift for everyone, but it's worth suggesting, I guess.

Are these gifts a problem because they're bad gifts, period, or because they're regifted?  My brother and SIL gave us regifted presents a couple years ago (I know this for a fact because bro had previously offered me one of the gifts we were later given, but it must have slipped his mind ), but since they were gifts that we would have liked if they'd been purchased, we figured it didn't make a difference to us.  BF and I had a good laugh about it later, though.  If they're regifting just to get rid of junk, I'd be offended, but if they're regifting thoughtfully I wouldn't be.

[audrey1962]

Are you sure that there isn't some other reason for this?  Could they be having financial problems, and just aren't able to afford lavish gifts for everyone?  In this case, I still don't see why they wouldn't get a less expensive but equally thoughtful gift for everyone, but it's worth suggesting, I guess.

I didn't want to say this earlier, as it shouldn't be relevant, but my brother easily makes 3x the salary as my husband and I and they just bought a new house in a very exclusive, upper class neighborhood.

I'm actually hurt about that - not b/c he can afford to live in a rich house, but that I was e-mailing him a few weeks ago and he never bothered to mention it to me. I heard it second-hand from someone else. I'm actually very happy for him, but hurt that he didn't even bother to tell me.

[audrey1962]

If they're regifting just to get rid of junk, I'd be offended, but if they're regifting thoughtfully I wouldn't be.

No, these aren't thoughtful regifts.

[VorFemme]

I have been re-gifted a gorgeous salad set originally given to my mother (Dad was clearing out their china cabinet prior to a move - they had never unpacked or used any of the items).  It was not wrapped up under the tree - but things were laid out on their table and each "child" was allowed to pick ONE box in turn until they ran out of stuff (fifteen years plus at that job - Mom had quite a few things still unused - and a few that she had been using).  The salad set matched the design on my everyday stoneware (both had grape clusters & fruit embossed on them) so I was (and continue to be) very happy to have them and to use them, at least when we have a need for separate salad bowls.........

On the other hand, I have been re-gifted a few things from others in the extended family (including but not limited to in-laws) that had me scratching my head trying to figure out why THAT ended up in our family "gift" as it was something that no one in our family was into or even something that another family (names switched?) might have been more interested in (music genre, movies, or food items that would have been great if I needed bar snacks).

[magiccat26]

I'd actually go somewhere in the middle.  I would stop putting so much thought into his gifts.  Get him something new and decent, but not the "gift of the year" IYKWIM...

I had to do something similar with my Brothers now xwife.  Every year, I would check out her wish list (that she sent to the entire family.  It was an Excel spreadsheet with everything categorized....a story for a different thread) and buy her something she wanted.  Every year I would receive some cheap looking knick Knack or candle (please note, I don't have EITHER in my home and she knew that).

So, I quit even trying.  The following year I just re-gifted last years gift back to her.  She must have liked those types of things because she's the one who bought it the first time right?

After that, my brother decided to take over purchasing gifts for his family and the presents had much more thought to them.  I decided to just give her gift cards.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Hmmm....  I hate to come to this conclusion based on two posts (and I could be totally wrong), but it sounds like perhaps you just have a thoughtless brother.  In which case, see my first suggestion of not buying bad gifts (waste of money), but not putting that much effort or money into it either.  Don't get something you think they'd dislike, but don't get anything you think they'd go wild about either.  Then again, maybe I'm just petty

[audrey1962]

Hmmm....  I hate to come to this conclusion based on two posts (and I could be totally wrong), but it sounds like perhaps you just have a thoughtless brother. 

No, you're right. My brother and I are two very different people, with different lifestyles and values.

Perhaps hubby & I should put less thought into their gifts and just get a gift card in the future.

[Etikate]

If you're truly hurt by this (and you're sure they're re-gifts) I would probably say something to him, especially if holding it inside has the potential to damage the relationship. If you're more annoyed than hurt I would probably just put less time and effort into selecting their gifts, as PPs have suggested.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

You could always get them a nice fruitcake

[MadMadge43]

It could also be that your brother's wife doesn't buy gifts for his family and therefore you end up with junk because he's just not good at it.

I have refused to buy presents for my BF's family, reminded him repeatedly that he must get a present out to the new baby etc. and he's just never done it. Men don't really think about gifts as much as they should.

[audrey1962]

It could also be that your brother's wife doesn't buy gifts for his family and therefore you end up with junk because he's just not good at it.

I have refused to buy presents for my BF's family, reminded him repeatedly that he must get a present out to the new baby etc. and he's just never done it. Men don't really think about gifts as much as they should.

Wow - I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks Madge!

Obviously I don't want to believe that my brother does't like me. Although I should note that my step-MIL forwarded me an e-mail from my brother's wife asking for gift ideas for Dad, stepmom and her kids. Maybe she just only buys gifts for Dad and figures it's my brother's responsibility to buy for everyone else?

I should also note that she is completely estranged from her family, although it's not quite clear why...

[cjeanies]

  I would just really tone down what you get for your brother.  For whatever reason, he's decided to go crazy on his Dad.  I don't know why, but please don't be hurt by it.  Getting a small christmas gift or none at all from someone doesn't mean they don't care.  My sisters and I don't even exchange gifts and we pretty much just do token ones for my parents (Scratch-offs, chocolates, etc.)  We all live in the same town and see each other regularly, but we just don't do a lot gift-wise at christmas.   My parents will get a gift each for their grandkids and they'll give us money usually.  Less is more in our situation and we are all happier and less stressed that way.  We still have loads of fun christmas morning.  Now, if any of us saw the coolest thing in the world that our parents would love, in our budget, then we'd get it for them.   I would look at is as one less person you have to be stressed-out about getting the perfect gift for.  I don't always think gifts have to be equal, but in this case give him something on the same level as you are getting since he's been doing it for a while.

[MadMadge43]

Wow - I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks Madge!

Not many do , including my SIL. I'm pretty sure I'm still the villain because he won't buy anything. 

[Chocolate Cake]

I wouldn't purposefully give them bad gifts, necessarily, because bad gifts are a waste of money all around, but I might not spend as much time and effort on finding just the perfect gift for them.  I wouldn't feel motivated to go all out, if you know what I mean.

Pod.