Etiquette of truly awful gifts

[lilfox]

I love reading about all the worst, most inappropriate, most obviously regifted presents people have received (not just for holidays, but birthdays, weddings, showers, etc).  It's pretty fascinating how wide the range is between people who put care and thought into gift-giving, and those who either don't care or live to use the gift-giving occasions as an opportunity to make some point, one that is universally unwelcome to the gift receiver.

However, it got me to thinking, what are the bounds of etiquette when accepting a gift that is truly inappropriate?
We're told to smile politely, say "thank you", and do with it whatever we see fit without insulting the giver.  We're even told to use subterfuge to determine whether and to where the gift is returnable ("Oh it's lovely, wherever did you get it?"), especially if a gift receipt is not included (and they never are).  This is fine as far as receiving ugly but technically functional gifts goes (clothes in your size but not style, collectables for the non-collector, etc).  You don't want to hurt the person who did seem to try, just didn't get it quite right.

But reading about all the cases where someone is intentionally given an article of clothing so ridiculously big/small as to be unwearable, or given consumables that have been previously sampled...  Wow.  When the thought is so absent that the giver is assumed to be truly careless or even malicious, isn't it also within our rights to, um, state the obvious?  In my mind, if what you were given is tantamount to an insensitive or rude comment, the responses we are encouraged to use are those which essentially point out to the speaker exactly how rude or insensitive their comment was.

I ask, too, because I guarantee you if someone gave me half-eaten or half-used goods, my knee-jerk reaction would most likely be to blurt out "Oops, I think you might have made a mistake.  Did you know this food/soap/spice kit was opened already?"  I can't imagine who would do something so rude on purpose (maybe they would?), but if they didn't even care to make sure that the gift was in presentable form, I think a little embarrassment on their part is warranted.  If they did mean well, maybe they'll be more conscientious next time.  But if they still don't care, at least you know where the line is drawn.

And to the PA givers who deliberately choose unwearable clothing (who know your size but buy too small to "encourage" you to diet, or too large because the giver thinks you dress like a slob, or whatever the reasoning), well.  I'd have a hard time fighting the snark, but I wish it was appropriate to respond with: "I think this gift was mislabeled, clearly this item is far too big/small for me."  Because then a giver who is driven by PA motives is called out.  Either they have to defend their choice (which only reflects poorly on them) or admit they made an error in judgment (not just about the clothing size, but about your willingness to take that kind of abuse).

So, eHellions, what are your thoughts?

[Etikate]

I feel like you would have to be very, very careful in making a derogatory comment about a gift. For example, you would have to be 100% sure that were no financial, mental or neurological problems that influenced the choice of gift. You'd also have to be careful not to turn the celebratory mood tense or contentious. Generally, I don't feel like the holidays are the right time for the airing of grievances (unless you're celebrating Festivus, of course  ), regardless of whether those grievances have been presented to you wrapped up neatly with a bow.

At most, I could get behind a raised eyebrow, a "thanks" delivered in a flat tone of voice, or a vague response that subtly makes your feelings clear (like "huh" or "that sure is something") when it's crystal clear that the gift was intended to offend. 

Edited to fix typos.

[dawbs]

This can be challenging.

Sometimes, even the most egrerious can be a 'mistake'--but of course, people who make mistakes wit no ill intent would, of course, want to rectify them...(like when I got 3 of the same sweater from gramma, and my sisters somehow didn't get gifts    Gramma struggled w/ labling)

I accepted Christmas gifts w/o complaint for years that was insulting ("santa gave you this manicure kit because your nails are so dirty..."  --It had to be said because it wasn't obvious enough  )

But at the same time, the last time my mother got me an insulting gift (a book on how to be more organized.  For many folks, that isn't an insulting gift, but there's a history here), I just looked like it hurt and she got the message.  (and, no, I have no idea how a pained expression and saying "thank you" while setting the book aside got the message across when years of the same hadn't...)  I'm not sure why and how she got the message, but if I would have then pointed it out to her, it would have merely resulted in much drama and hurt feelings.

At the end of my ramblings, I have to say, I think the key is doing it in appropriate context with the appropriate audience.
I'm not saying to do it w/o an audience (because if I tell evil grandma "I'm sure this is mis-labled" in private, I'll leave in tears as she insults me to pieces), but to guage what level of privacy is needed.

[Gambitgirl]

the one time i flat out said something derogatory about a gift was Xmas 2005. i had lost 30 lbs. in 3 months due to finally getting motivated to start eating right, with the help of Weight Watchers, and exercise. i was pleased with the results (lost another 23. lbs after that), but i wasn't braggy b/c i know how annoying that can be.

my older sister, who was also heavy, HATED that i was losing weight b/c she has always been vindictively competitive and must have all attention on her. she resented my family's pride in my finally taking control of my eating and getting good results.

for xmas i opened up my gift from her and i was a size 20 pair of pants. i was never a size 20, a 14 at my heaviest and i was down to a size 8. i held them up and blinked at them, then stood up and held them in front of me, then put them on and could put both legs in on pants leg. the family was laughing uncomfortably while OS sat there with a malicious grin on her face. she said "those are for when you fall off the wagon and gain it all back and then some."

i threw tact out the window and said "i think you should hand onto these, you're only one more cinnamon bun" she had a bun in her hand "from needing these yourself" and threw them at her feet. she started to get huffy, but my dad stood up and clapped his hands and said "ha ha ha! OS has the best gag gift of the year har har har!" then hustled her into the kitchen and bent her ear something fierce.

OS can't stand for anyone to be happy or have attention she feels should be hers. 

[lamorevincera]

I feel like you would have to be very, very careful in making a derogatory comment about a gift. For example, you would have to be 100% sure that were no financial, mental or neurological problems that influenced the choice of gift.

I do agree with you on being careful. But if you absolutely know that this person is trying to be mean on purpose and there is no financial/mental/sickness aspect of it, I think something should be said. Whether the "I don't appreciate this" is said in front of everyone else or not, sometimes, people do need to be called on it. I do believe there's a point, especially when someone's being hurtful, that establishing a firm boundary is more important than etiquette. (Although, in the spirit of etiquette, the "This hurts, don't do it again" should be as polite and respectful as possible.)

My story to add: My mother and I do not see eye to eye on parenting. She was extremely controlling to me as a kid, but thinks that I should be as permissive as possible with my girls (i.e. letting them have ice cream sundaes before dinner or telling me that timeouts are equivalent to spanking). I shrug and let her have her opinions; she has not yet stopped trying to beat me over the head with "I'm right and you're a horrible parent if you don't agree".

So, for Mother's Day one year, she had "my daughters" buy me a gift. (Meaning, she'd bought it.) It was three parenting books, with a "because you need it" note.

I put it down, looked right at her, and said "Mom, I *really* don't appreciate this. It's hurtful, and we're going now." I don't regret it one bit.

And Gambitgirl? Congrats on your weight loss. That's hard work.

[Scritzy]

I must confess, when Mother gave me a Martha Stewart book on organization, I said, "Gee, thanks" in a most sarcastic voice. She was giggling about it, so she meant it as a jab.

Darn it, I am organized. I'm just interestingly organized.

[mariadis]

Or maybe "creatively" organized?

[Scritzy]

Or maybe "creatively" organized?

Even better! 

[jimithing]

And this is where knowing your audience very well comes into play when giving an etiquette book. 

[Lisbeth]

I must confess, when Mother gave me a Martha Stewart book on organization, I said, "Gee, thanks" in a most sarcastic voice. She was giggling about it, so she meant it as a jab.

Darn it, I am organized. I'm just interestingly organized.

I'd have been tempted to respond, "Gosh, this is so valuable, are you really sure you want to give it away when it could be so beneficial to you?"

[Uf]

With my Boyfriends mother, she is very PA to me, but I think it is so I will 'bite' and then she can say to my BF 'See how unstable/ungrateful Uf is'.
when she gives me obviously PA gifts, I think the best thing to do is smile and say Thank You. Otherwise I am playing right into her hands.

I also smile and thank my Grandmother for the crappy gifts she gives. She is going a little senile now (she is 88). I do get odd gifts from her but I think its because she forgets what I like, forgets my age, and sometimes even forgets the basics about me (I got a Christmas card addressed to Mr and Mrs boyfriends-last-name. she completely forgot that I haven't got married, but managed to remember his name)
Just my 2 penneth

[extranormal]

And this is where knowing your audience very well comes into play when giving an etiquette book. 

Good point. Or for any gift, really. What one person might love could make somebody else cry.

Some of my pals were appalled when my DH bought me a vacuum cleaner for my birthday. And had I been hoping for jewelry, or had I felt criticized about how I keep the house, I might have felt bad. But my DH knows me well enough to be certain that a Dyson (with the pet hair attachment, no less) would be far more welcome than any diamond.

Gambitgirl, that was a brilliant response to your sister. Has she continued to be so unkind?

[Twik]

I'm a gadget freak. I'd LOVE a Dyson!

[mddg4]

And this is where knowing your audience very well comes into play when giving an etiquette book. 

Which is why I jumped up for joy when my SIL gave me the latest Emily Post edition (I really wanted it too!), but my other SIL would have HATED it and burst into tears!

[DollyPond]

I am sick and tired of getting "gifts" from my DB and SIL that are obvious re-gifts and/or just plain garbage (i.e. broken, used stuff).  They earn well into the 6 figures so it is NOT a matter of being strapped for money.  It is just plain mean.  Like the people who donate garbage to the "poor".

This year if I get one of these "gifts" I am throwing it into a box and shipping it back to them with a note saying that they insist on sending out broken/used stuff they can just keep it.

In this case Etiquitte Be Danged - I've been gracious with these idiots far too long.

Dolly