A gift for the ex?!?

[veraobsession]

My DF is divorced and has a wonderful 6yo DD. During my Christmas shopping trip with his daughter (DF was not there, as we were shopping for daddy) she began to look for a gift for HER mother (DF's ex-wife) and her sister (ex wife and her new hubbys 3yo daughter) after we had found a gift for DF and my DS. I have no problem buying for the sister. I got her a little "goodie bag" at Halloween. She is a sweet girl and always comes to sit in my lap or play with my son (who is only 3 months younger than her) at occasions for DD that we all have to be present. We wound getting a Barbie playset for sister but I dont know what to do about a gift for her mother. I understand DD wanting to get her mother a gift that mom doesnt know about but I'm actually thinking about (gasp) regifting. I received a bag from my secret pal at church a few months ago. It is a nice green and pink bag and it has a bible verse embroidered on it. I have NEVER used this bag, and it has just been sitting in my closet. I have no idea if DD has made the same request for us of her mother but I do wonder what the response from mommy would be. I want to make DD happy, but is it horrible of me to not really want to spend ANY $ on a woman who has been very nasty to us?   

[wyozozo]

I think it's step-daddy's place to take her shopping for her mom...at least that's how I handled it when I had young steps.

[jais]

A big HECK NO! It is not your responsibility to do this.

[veraobsession]

DF DOES NOT want to do this (he gets an angry look on his face when you even mention that womans name) but I hate to tell DD no. How do you tell her "no, you cant get mommy a present." Thats why I thought the bag might be acceptable. No money is spent and DD is happy because mommy gets a present from her.

[Samantha]

I say get her a gift, but let your daughter pick it out. I know that when I was little, it was important to me that I picked the present for my parents, and that my friends kids are the same way now.

[Bijou]

It doesn't seem to be your responsibility, but I see it more as something you would be doing for the little girl and not for the ex.  Something heart-tugging about the innocence of a little child who doesn't even consider that there is anything odd about having you help her with her Christmas shopping for her mom.  I'd probably just give the child whatever seems reasonable and take her shopping for her mom.  She must trust you.  A beautiful thing, since many times it isn't so great.

[Bijou]

Hmmm.  I see another post in which you would be going around the wishes of your DF in doing this.  That changes the tone of this, doesn't it.  Speaking only for myself, I would sit down with him and have a conversation about how this isn't about the ex.  It's about his daughter.  However he feels about the ex, his daughter loves her, and this is a time he could shine by putting her feelings above his own.  But you have to do whatever keeps peace, I guess.

[jimithing]

I have to agree with the PPs, that in this case, this is not about the ex, but about DD.  I do think that you should put aside your feelings for the ex in order to make DD happy.  Take the high road in this case.

[Hanna]

I have to agree with the PPs, that in this case, this is not about the ex, but about DD.  I do think that you should put aside your feelings for the ex in order to make DD happy.  Take the high road in this case.

POD

[platys]

It's definately the DF's job to do it - especially since his daughter is only 6.  Its important kids learn how to give gifts as well as receive.  My SO buys presents for his ex on behalf of his son, and his ex buys him presents on behalf of their son as well.  My SO also buys me gifts on behalf of his son.  I buy my mother gifts on behalf of his son.  You get the idea.   Now that his son is getting older, he's getting more of a say in what he's getting his mom, but the cash is still coming from the father.

I mean, a 6 year old can't go out and get a job.

[veraobsession]

That was the goal of the shopping trip and how the request for a gift for mom even came about. I was with DD buying gifts for her daddy, my son, grandparents, etc. She enjoys the shopping, being able to hand the cashier the money herself, seeing the present get wrapped, and then reminding you everytime she sees the gift that "she bought that for you."  I guess the toy she picked out for DS made her want to get something for her sister. I dont think her mom lets her do the shopping, but it is something that she really enjoys. DF said if DD really want to get her mom a gift he is ok with it, show her the bag and if she doesnt like the bag take her shopping. I just wanted to know if it was tacky to even consider the bag that I already had. 

[Bijou]

I'm glad it's turning out well. 

I've had the little kids in our family go through a box I have of extra gifty things I might buy thoughout the year, like things that are really neat that are on sale or something or if I get something for someone then decide to get something else, instead.  It's included books, flashlights, led lights for your keyring, stuff like that.  They just go through it and pick out whatever they want for their mom, dad, gramma, etc.  Kids like to shop from the box and I don't end up hanging on to this stuff for the rest of my life.   And then I also have extra small gifts around in the event someone shows up unexpectedly on the gift exchange night.

[lkdrymom]

I feel that is it the ex's new DH's job to take this little girl shopping. I take my kids shopping for my ex and his parents and ex's girlfriend...however my kids are 11 & 12 and they use their own money.(there would be no way in heck I would spend my hard earned money on my ex) My ex has never taken the kids to shop for a gift for me, my DH does that.

[amaiaisabella]

I do not think it's tacky unless you think she would ask your SD where you got it and your SD replies "her closet." Though that would be funny! 

[Alida]

Maybe let DD make something for her mother?  With her being only 6, surely Mom isn't expecting her to buy something.