Okay to exchange gifts when they're "unequal"?

[kingsrings]

It's me again posting on here!! I just seem to have so many etiquette-related holiday situations this year, sheesh.

So here's the situation (more hypothetical than truth at this point): there is a group of friends that have befriended each other through a social group at church. Christmas comes, and they exchange gifts with one another. Some give bigger gifts to certain members of the group and smaller gifts to other members of the group. Also, some of these friends have known certain members of the group longer than other members.

Is it okay to give different-sized gifts like this to the members of the group? And is it okay to have everyone see this, such as opening the gifts up in front of everyone, so it is clearly obvious that so-and-so has received bigger gift, and such-and-such has received smaller gift?

I don't know what to think. Personally for me, I simply can't afford to get everyone their own individual, costly gift. I am getting everyone the exact same gift, a small one. They're all getting the same thing, basically. I do have my favorites and some people I am closer to than others in the group, this is completely normal and natural in any social group. However, even if I did have more funds to embellish on people, I still would not give bigger gifts to my favorites in the group because I think this is not nice to the ones getting smaller gifts. Why make it obvious that you like or feel closer to some but not others?

Am I right, or am I being too sensitive and picky about this issue?

[twinkletoes]

I think it's fine to exchange unequal gifts.  If I'm better friends with Susie than with Joe, I'm probably more likely to want to spend more on her gift. 

I think the problem is opening presents in front of each other.  I can see where one might be hurt ("Tom gave everyone $100 gift cards, but he only gave me $25.")

If you want to remove the inequality, maybe make it a white elephant sort of gift exchange? It depends on how close everyone is in the group, though.

[kingsrings]

Already did the WE gift exchange. This group also likes to buy individual presents for one another.

[Tabris]

IN this situation, I've given the big gift separately and had a second, smaller gift to share at the gift exchange. This prevents hurt feelings.

[twinkletoes]

I've got a situation of my own to add. 

My parents and I used to spend Christmas with an uncle and a cousin on my mom's side.  Uncle and Cousin would give each other big, expensive gifts, and would give each other's kids lavish gifts as well.  My sister, parents, and I were given gifts that looked like they were from the discount bin from three years ago.  It stung and it hurt.  I think a lot of hurt feelings could have been prevented if there just wasn't a gift exchange, or everyone opened their gifts at a later time.

[lady_disdain]

I don't see a problem in "unequal" gifts, as long as it is reasonable.

For example:

- everyone gets gifts suited to their personality, but one or two are more expensive: not a problem. The gifted shouldn't be cataloguing costs that closely anyway!

- everyone gets the "same gift" (ie, bath sets in different scents) except one person: not very nice (the difference is just too obvious)

- Everyone gets gifts, but a few are obviously dollar store or rubbishy: not nice (the difference, once again, is just too obvious)

- Gift cards in unequal value: not nice (the price tag is obvious and so is the difference!)

Since opening the gifts together is part of the fun, I would hate it if someone wanted the group to just handout the gifts to be taken home to be opened (I love watching the reaction to a gift I gave, since I usually do put a lot of thought into it!)

[kingsrings]

I get what you are saying lady_disdain about watching others open gifts, but when there is a big difference between gifts, I don't think it's the best idea in the world. For example, if Jane gives Sally in the group the complete DVD-set of all the Star Trek movies and then gives me a $5.00 gift card to Starbucks, I am going to feel rebuffed.

[Bijou]

This is the beauty of having a spending limit.
If the gift giving is generated by inclusion in the group, and is done as part of the group's party, it does seems they should be somewhat equal, say the group might set a limit of between $10 and $15.  (If Jenny is your best friend and is also a group member, you might give a separate, more expensive, personal gift as well as the exchange gift if you each agree to do so).

[kingsrings]

This particular gift-giving is not done as part of any party, it is something that individuals of the group have chosen to do for one another privately. However, since we are all part of the same group, word gets around as to who received what (as part of general, normal conversation), and/or sometimes the gifts end up getting opened in front of others.

[lady_disdain]

I get what you are saying lady_disdain about watching others open gifts, but when there is a big difference between gifts, I don't think it's the best idea in the world. For example, if Jane gives Sally in the group the complete DVD-set of all the Star Trek movies and then gives me a $5.00 gift card to Starbucks, I am going to feel rebuffed.

Well, I would fit that as a mixture of situation #3 (great gift vs rubbishy gift) and #4 (gift cards of unequal value), which averages a not nice 

(just kidding - I am up to my ears in averages today!)