Coworker and my last name

[twinkletoes]

I got married about two years ago, and I decided to take my husband's last name (no flames!).  One of the reasons I took it was because no one can pronounce my maiden name, so I was actually kind of relieved to have a nice, succinct, easy-to-pronounce-and-spell last name.

I have also been at my current place of work for about three years.  I have a coworker, "Joe," who is constantly making comments about how my last name has changed.  At first, I brushed it off as "well, he's used to calling me 'Jones,' but now it's 'Smith.'" 

But he's still doing it!  He will:

-Call me "Mrs. Smith," which I don't understand because my company is strictly "first-names only";
-Call me by my maiden name, and then say "oh, that's right, you're no longer (maiden name)";
-Make a big deal if I correct him.  I'll just say "it's 'Smith,' but you know you can just call me 'Twinkletoes.'"

It seems like he's fixated on the fact that I'm married and I've changed my name.  To be quite honest, it's creepy.  Can I tell him as much?  What should I do?

[Lisbeth]

I'd just call him on it directly, "Joe, my name is Twinkletoes Smith.  You seem to be having some trouble with that.  Why?"

I suspect that either he has a secret thing for you and his playing these passive-aggressive games is his way of  trying to deal with forbidden urges, or it's some kind of egotistical power play.  How he responds to the above question should tell you which.

[twinkletoes]

Keen, my husband mentioned something along the lines of what you said - and believe me, I hope that's not the case! 

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I got married about two years ago, and I decided to take my husband's last name (no flames!). 

Why would anyone flame you for taking your husband's name? More power to you that you did that, and if you hadn't? More power to you, as well! My SIL decided to hyphenate, but my one aunt sent a cheque as their wedding gift with only my SIL's initial and my brother's (and my) surname. So my SIL couldn't put it in her account. Luckily we have the same initial so I put it in mine and gave her the money.

Apparently my SILs bosses decided to change her work email address when she and my brother got married, but they did it without telling her, and without using her hypehnated name. So it's only in her email address that she's Mrs T'Mar'sSurname.

One of the reasons I took it was because no one can pronounce my maiden name, so I was actually kind of relieved to have a nice, succinct, easy-to-pronounce-and-spell last name.

I had a friend who was from Enlgand but had a weirdly spelled and pronounced name. She married a guy from here and took his name, which is a typical Afrikaans name, but still easier to spell and pronounce than her maiden name!

It seems like he's fixated on the fact that I'm married and I've changed my name.  To be quite honest, it's creepy.  Can I tell him as much?  What should I do?

I'm not sure what I'd do; I think in your shoes I'd fix him with that 'you're so stupid' glare and say, "Are you still on that? Want to joke about it some more? Come on, I'm waiting!" I've done that and eventually the person gets the message. But I don't know how comfortable you'd feel doing that.

[IndianInlaw]

A snarky thing to do would be to whip out a pad of paper right in front of him and compile a list of all the times he's said it.

Or ignore him until he gets it right.

[ccnumber4]

I love KeenReader's approach on this one.  I also think she may be right, that this is a PA approach to let you know he has feelings for you?

Yeesh.  Creepy is right. 

Seriously, what kind if idjit can't understand simple name changes after marriage?  It's not like it's a new fad. 

[DottyG]

Seriously, what kind if idjit can't understand simple name changes after marriage?  It's not like it's a new fad. 

That's what I was thinking as well.  This has been done since the dawn of time (or practically so, anyway).

And, why would anyone "flame" the OP for taking her husband's name?  I think I'm confused here.

[twinkletoes]

It just seems that in real-life, if I mention "oh, I've changed my last name," I get a lecture about how I'm setting the women's movement back (if that's all it takes to set the women's movement back, we're all in BIG trouble!).  I suppose I'm rather defensive about it and don the flame-proof suit right from the get-go.

[DottyG]

It just seems that in real-life, if I mention "oh, I've changed my last name," I get a lecture about how I'm setting the women's movement back (if that's all it takes to set the women's movement back, we're all in BIG trouble!).  I suppose I'm rather defensive about it and don the flame-proof suit right from the get-go.

Yikes.  Where do you live?  I don't think I've ever been in a place where taking the man's name is somehow unusual or wrong.  I've seen women hyphenate, keep their own names and take their husband's name - and none of these have been met with scorn.

[twinkletoes]

I live in a really, really big city.  In my area and in my generation, it's becoming increasingly popular for women to keep their name after marriage, and some of them can be *very* hostile about it.  I really don't get why - it's no skin off my nose, either way.

[MineralDiva]

I'd just call him on it directly, "Joe, my name is Twinkletoes Smith.  You seem to be having some trouble with that.  Why?"

I suspect that either he has a secret thing for you and his playing these passive-aggressive games is his way of  trying to deal with forbidden urges, or it's some kind of egotistical power play.  How he responds to the above question should tell you which.

I bow to the "Goddess of Graciousness" here.  You put it much more nicely than I probably would have.

[DottyG]

I live in a really, really big city.

Until a year ago, I did, too.  Now, I live in just a "really big city" (slightly smaller than the one I came from but still big and very well-known).  And, I'm amazed that someone's actually finding this occurring where they are!

[Bijou]

I got married about two years ago, and I decided to take my husband's last name (no flames!).  One of the reasons I took it was because no one can pronounce my maiden name, so I was actually kind of relieved to have a nice, succinct, easy-to-pronounce-and-spell last name.

I have also been at my current place of work for about three years.  I have a coworker, "Joe," who is constantly making comments about how my last name has changed.  At first, I brushed it off as "well, he's used to calling me 'Jones,' but now it's 'Smith.'" 

But he's still doing it!  He will:

-Call me "Mrs. Smith," which I don't understand because my company is strictly "first-names only";
-Call me by my maiden name, and then say "oh, that's right, you're no longer (maiden name)";
-Make a big deal if I correct him.  I'll just say "it's 'Smith,' but you know you can just call me 'Twinkletoes.'"

It seems like he's fixated on the fact that I'm married and I've changed my name.  To be quite honest, it's creepy.  Can I tell him as much?  What should I do?

I have to say that my first thought is that this guy has a crush on you and is having trouble adjusting to your marriage.  This reminds me the situation where someone I knew was very jealous of a friend of mine who was from New York, so everytime he mentioned New York he would say it with an exaggerated NY accent.  Gets old fast.
Have you talked to your boss about this?  It is his or her responsibility to see that you are not harrassed at work.

[ClaireC79]

The only comment I had in work when I changed my name on marriage was by one guy, who changed my name on one thing and told me if I got divorced I'd better keep my new name as he wasn't changing it (the last person to get married before me, seperated went back to her maiden name and then got back with her husband and changed to married name in less than a year just before this happened)

[Jill1966]

No flames at all on your name change - before I got married a friend of mine said she envied the women who had no trouble making the decision (either way) I agree. I'm not sure what advice to give you - people really do have a problem with names and I try to believe that they are not doing it purposely - unless I am particularly cranky that day I just try to nicely correct them. I took my husband's last name which is Joyce. Unfortunately it causes a mental block for a lot of people and I am called "Joyce" in emails, phone calls and in person - by people who have known me (professionally at least) for some time. The receptionist at my dentist's office will call me "Jill" and then "Joyce" and then "Jill" all in one conversation - but that is the extreme. Try to keep your chin up and keep correcting!