Friend Trouble

[vols4life98]

I have a friend who can not Drive. She also has 3 kids who go to School for special needs children. I myself can drive and have 3 children who live at home with me and my DH. Ever since my DH got layed off from work she expects me to be at her beck and call. I have told her no on several occasions. She has sever depression and Bipolar an had a hestroretomery (spell Wrong) at age 30. She wont go see a doctor to get on any meds. She is driving me nuts. I am starting to run out of excuses to her. The other day when it snowed here she asked me to take her and her BIRDS to the vet 15 miles away. And she knew I was sick and in the bed and DH was takin care of the kids  when i told her no i couldnt she ask if DH could.

[Pixie]

I'd give her the number for the taxi service or public transport and tell her to stop calling me.  I might also remind her that gas is not cheap and with your husband not working at this time, you can't afford the extra expense of driving her.   Just say NO.

 

[vols4life98]

She usually goes by taxi but since price of gas has skyrocketed so has the taxi service. Her DH has a fit if she calls a taxi. She just live a block and a half away from the grocery store. She can walk to it but she wants to get a bunch of groceries and not just the neccestaries (spelled wrong) It just drives me crazy.

[Pixie]

Perhaps HER husband should drive her once or twice a week?   I do my shopping once a week, or every other week and I do drive myself.   I just don't like to make unnecessary  trips with the price of gas so high.


 

[vols4life98]

I agree with you and he will when he gets off work. He is a retail store manager. But she doesn't want to wait. I have told her she might have to. She is also very jealous of my family and I because we do a lot to gether

[Chartreuse]

You don't need excuses.  She's not going to get it, and she's going to continue to mooch off of you as long as you let her.  That's not a friend, that's somebody taking advantage of you.  The fact that she was more concerned about getting a ride than the fact that you were sick says a whole hell of a lot about how she views you.  You're not a friend, you're her free ride.  Short answer:  next time she calls, just say that you can't.  You don't have to give her a reason.  It's not your problem, it's hers.  Every time she asks, you can't, you're busy, you have other plans.  Eventually she'll clue in. You'll also find out if she actually wants to be a friend, or is just after a free ride.  You may be surprised.  I had a "friend" like this back in the day.  Once she discovered that I wasn't going to let her mooch off me, she suddenly disappeared and wouldn't ever want to socialize.  Apparently our "friendship" hinged on my being willing to drive her wherever she wanted.   

[Shoo]

I'm probably a cold-hearted b-word, but I would find it very hard to be friends with someone like this.  I tend to run away from this kind of relationship.  Not because I don't empathize with them or wish them all the best, but because I just don't have the energy or desire to have an unbalanced relationship. 

If I find myself screening my phone calls so I won't have to talk to them, then I know this friendship is not for me.  My best friends, my FAVORITE friends, are the ones who call and I smile when I see their numbers pop up on my cell phone.  Others?  Just dread and a silent wish that they'd "drop" me.

[Lisbeth]

Your best course of action is tough love, or in your case, tough friendship.

If your friend is not willing to help herself, then you're enabling her by being willing to do these things for her.

Tell your friend that you aren't able to help her the next time she asks if it's not convenient for you.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[emeraldsage85]

Maybe you should get her a wagon. That way she can walk to the grocery store and get lots of groceries. And then she can tow them home. 

[vols4life98]

I have told her to take a grocery cart home and just return it the next time she goes.

[cocacola35]

From your OP, I got the impression that you are a good person and feel sorry for your friend because she can't drive, has children with special needs, and has health problems.  DON'T LET LET THIS KNOWLEDGE ALLOW THIS PERSON TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.  It's wonderful to do a few favors for someone in need, but this person sounds like she's using her situation to manipulate you into doing unreasonable things for her.  You have to tell yourself that it is okay to say NO to her and that doesn't make you a bad friend- trust me after a while if feels worse to think you are a being treated like a doormat.  She will probably get upset and angry at you and you might feel bad for a little while, but in the end you will know you did the right thing in telling her NO.  I would love to tell you that this person will eventually see her ways and stop this after you tell her NO a few times, but you have to remember that she isn't a rational-thinking person (especially if she doesn't take any meds).  Because she doesn't seem like she is willing to help herself by going to the doctor or takeing meds, most likely she will keep up this behavior and not see anything wrong with it- even if you call her on it.  

I had a friend like this- she wasn't officially bipolar, but I always suspected she was due to her manic behavior, impulsiveness, and her ability to turn her moods on and off like a lightswitch.  She didn't own a car and I was her only friend that lived close enough to her with a car.  She would often ask me to take her places and if I said no she would follow up with, "Well I would do it for you" indicating that I was being a horrible friend for not doing this for her.  If she really wanted something, it didn't matter to her what excuse I had.  In one instance, we had made plans to go to another city.  As fate would have it on the weekend we had planned to go, my DF got sick and had to go to into the hospital.  When I told her that I couldn't go because I needed to be with DF, she said, "But we've already made plans together!  I never get to have any fun and there are people I want to see!  I can't believe you are doing this to ME!!"  When I called her on her selfishness and manipulative ways of asking for things, she was unable to see how she was doing anything wrong.  I know this is hard to believe, but it took awhile to convince myself that I wasn't a horrible friend for saying no to her and I was perfectly in reason to do so.  We parted ways not on the best of terms (me still trying to tell her how she was making me feel and her refusing to see any wrong doing on her part; just me for saying no to her demands) and I felt bad about it for a couple days, but realized that I was free of the stress and anxiety she was causing me.  It felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I knew I had made the right decision.  

[Sirius]

Has she ever offered to pay for the OP's gas?  I'd guess not.   I think the idea about the wagon is a good one; my former roommate who didn't have a car had one, and she would go to a grocery store about two blocks away, and the wagon had the double benefit of carrying her groceries and her son when he got tired.   

[Spring Water on Sundays]

As others have said, it is not your problem that she can't drive, no matter how hard she tries to drag you into it. Don't feel bad that you have priorities in your life that don't include being her free chauffer.

You said that her husband gets upset if she calls a cab, but she doesn't want to wait for him to get home to drive her. That's unfortunate, but not your problem.

Maybe I'm being kind of cold, but it drives me crazy when people in a difficult situation are offered a totally sensible solution, but don't want to accept it because it doesn't meet the exact specifications they have decided are necessary.

[freakyfemme]

I can see it both ways.  Yes, this woman is taking advantage of the OP, but at the same time, I'm afraid that at some point, I'm going to end up in that woman's shoes.  See, I have a spatial disability as a result from being born a breech birth--when I was born, not only was I about five weeks premature, I was also stuck feet first in my mother's womb, with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice, which cut off the flow of oxygen to the left side of my brain, and almost suffocated me.  If it hadn't been for the doctor who woke up in the middle of the night and rushed into the hospital to perform an emergency C-section at 2 a.m., I would have either died, or grown up severely mentally retarded, or as a complete vegetable.  So, I'm extremely grateful to him.....but, the fact remains that even a "medical miracle" in 1984 doesn't guarantee perfection, and in my case, it didn't.  Although the right side of my brain works a bit better than most people's, I've always been horrible at almost anything athletic (fine, I haven't had to do team sports since grade nine), I can't do math (also fine, I stopped taking that after grade eleven), and I'll likely never be able to drive a car.  It sucks, but again, I'm really grateful for what I *can* do, thanks to that nice doctor who took the time to get out of bed and do the right thing.  Every time I play my clarinet, or write another poem, or finish a painting, I think of how I wouldn't be able to do that if it hadn't been for him.

So, when I make plans with my friends, they always have to pick me up and drop me back off at home, if there's a distance involved, and I've had to ask for (and been freely offered) rides at times when I had no alternative.  However, when I'm completely on my own, I know I'm going to make every effort to not have to rely on others, because I don't like it any more than they do.  So, I'm going to try to live within walking distance of places I visit often (the gym, the music store, and wherever I end up working), and be familiar with the bus routes in the area. 

The thing is, I know there *will* be emergencies at times, though, and I'd hate for people to think less of me for having to ask for a hand in those cases.  But, I plan on reciprocating as best I can, by maybe inviting the people who help me out over for dinner, babysitting their kids, bringing them Powerade and Halls when they're sick, or just whatever they'd like best. 

[Hawkwatcher]

In some American cities, the local government provides transportation for disabled people.  I would assume that they have similar programs in Canada as well.  It may be worth it for the OP's friend to see if she qualifies for such a program.  Of course, she may need to be evaluated by a doctor before she can enroll in such a program.