I wish you were one of my patrons.
It's true we're here to help people seeking information. I'm all about research and will happily search out books in non-fiction because in this day and age, they no longer teach Dewey classification to school students. (Old fogie digression: when I was in the third grade, I may not have understood Dewey, but I DID know how to search for books on the shelf using it. This is not a skill taught today.) OTOH, it drives me insane when someone can't even locate a fiction book when they know the author's last name. If you are too lazy to search the FICTION shelf alphabetically by author's last name, how on earth do you expect to read the book???
I loved the "ask the librarians to watch their stuff" line. At our main branch, there used to be a group of--we'll call them "gentlemen of the roads" who would spend all day every day playing chess in the fiction reading room. They had been known to occasionally lift wallets, had tried to order pizza in the director's name, and generally take anything that wasn't nailed down. One day a woman reported to administration that her pocket book had gone missing. "Someone stole it?" "Oh, no," she said brightly "I asked this nice group of men to watch it for me." The director smiled and said "I'm sure they are still watching it for you ma'am...it's just that now they have taken it with them."
Calabash, we have a similar problem with the infamous Summer Reading assigned by the local high schools. Each branch has at least one to three copies of each title the high schools choose. They are on one week loan status. And there's always some joker (and their parents) who wait until the eleventh hour, then scream at us to retrieve the book from the current user. One woman wanted me to call the current borrower and demand they return the book RIGHT NOW! Hellooo...reality calling!
*sigh* I keep reciting "I am making a difference to some one...." in addition to reciting "five more years, five more years..."