So that's it for this friendship-LONG

[Cellardoor14]

Here's a bit of back ground:

Mr Cellardoor and I have a friend, Obtaria which we have both known for around six years.  (we all meet at the same time.)  We have all been fairly good friends for most of that time, in fact she was my MOH at our wedding.

Anyway, Obtaria has always been a bit self centred and uncompromising but hey no one is perfect.  She has good qualities too but unfortunately we haven't seen too much of those since the Boo was born.

In fact, she seems unable to acknowledge that we are no longer swinging singles who can go out until 3:00 am.  Or that we don't have oodles of disposable income to spend on things like b-day gifts for her.
We had an awkward experience at Xmas because she demanded a gift (she got us things as well.) and then complained about it afterwards.  We then told her that since she did not enjoy what we had chosen, we would not be exchanging gifts in future. 

That did not go down well.

So things have been a bit frosty with us since then. 

Today Mr Cellardoor got a text this morning, asking both of us to go with her to a music gig tonight.  We had plans for today so Mr Cellardoor texted back:

              Sorry, Obtaria it's SIL's birthday today & we r spending afternoon w/ her.  Maybe next time?

This is the response he got back:

            That's AFTERNOON! U should be done by 6:30 tops.  Why are u making excuses & lame ones
            at that? 

So that flushing sound you hear is a six year friendship going down the toilet.

My question is: What is the proper etiquette in dealing with a note like that? How to you response? Should you response? 

Or do you just have a moment of silence for the lost friendship and move on; never to contact her again?



                 

[housewife2k]

Personally, I would just move on. A response will only add fuel to her fire, and she has already shown herself to be selfish and self-centered. Six years is hard to let go of. If she should happen to call or write, just tell her that you are sorry, but you seem to have reached different places in life where your freindship jhust isn't going to be possible.

[Lisbeth]

I would consider the friendship over and not respond to such a message.

[kathrynne]

No need to reply. Frankly, marriage and children are a big reason many friendships just fade out the way they do. You obviously have little in common anymore, and we've all been there.

[sammycat]

I would ignore the message and drop the friendship, but don't be surprised if she does harass you again for a while.

[MineralDiva]

I too would ignore the message...and her...permanently.

But the "Evil Diva" would be tempted to text back:

"NO more excuses.  Just piss off and stay gone!  Is THAT clear enough for you, Ingrate?"

Good thing the "Evil Diva" doesn't come out often.  She doesn't play well with others. 

[Rei-chan]

I too would ignore the message...and her...permanently.

But the "Evil Diva" would be tempted to text back:

"NO more excuses.  Just piss off and stay gone!  Is THAT clear enough for you, Ingrate?"

Good thing the "Evil Diva" doesn't come out often.  She doesn't play well with others. 

LOL!  Sounds like "Evil Diva" and "Evil Willow" think along the same lines.....

No, really:  to the OP just ignore and be done with her.  Is there any way to block her calls/texts?  If so, do that as well.

[Alida]

Ignore it.  What she sent to you isn't worthy of a reply.

[Tabris]

Why are u making excuses & lame ones at that? 

"Becuz we don't like u NEmore & we R thru. Bye."

[Alida]

"Becuz we don't like u NEmore & we R thru. Bye."

*chokes on wine*

THAT is great!

[Tabris]

I don't like txt speak, but you know... 

[Bijou]

Here's a bit of back ground:

Mr Cellardoor and I have a friend, Obtaria which we have both known for around six years.  (we all meet at the same time.)  We have all been fairly good friends for most of that time, in fact she was my MOH at our wedding.

Anyway, Obtaria has always been a bit self centred and uncompromising but hey no one is perfect.  She has good qualities too but unfortunately we haven't seen too much of those since the Boo was born.

In fact, she seems unable to acknowledge that we are no longer swinging singles who can go out until 3:00 am.  Or that we don't have oodles of disposable income to spend on things like b-day gifts for her.
We had an awkward experience at Xmas because she demanded a gift (she got us things as well.) and then complained about it afterwards.  We then told her that since she did not enjoy what we had chosen, we would not be exchanging gifts in future. 

That did not go down well.

So things have been a bit frosty with us since then. 

Today Mr Cellardoor got a text this morning, asking both of us to go with her to a music gig tonight.  We had plans for today so Mr Cellardoor texted back:

              Sorry, Obtaria it's SIL's birthday today & we r spending afternoon w/ her.  Maybe next time?

This is the response he got back:

            That's AFTERNOON! U should be done by 6:30 tops.  Why are u making excuses & lame ones
            at that? 

So that flushing sound you hear is a six year friendship going down the toilet.

My question is: What is the proper etiquette in dealing with a note like that? How to you response? Should you response? 

Or do you just have a moment of silence for the lost friendship and move on; never to contact her again?



                 

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a response and would just let it go and move on.

[Cellardoor14]

thanks for all the responses.

The plan is to ignore.

I think it's just human nature to want to get the last good come-back.

thanks again

[Tabris]

But that's what etiquettehell is for! Post your last good comeback here. Post many of them. Post her imagined replies to those last good comebacks. But then as you say, ignore her in reality.

[anonymousmac]

My question is: What is the proper etiquette in dealing with a note like that? How to you response? Should you response? 

Or do you just have a moment of silence for the lost friendship and move on; never to contact her again?

I guess I feel differently than most of the people who've responded so far.  I think that long-term friendships can require give and take over the years, and that it's worth putting extra effort into confronting and solving problems in the relationship, rather than walking away when a friend is rude or thoughtless.  All of us can be short-term selfish and stupid, and a good friendship deserves a chance to confront those times and recover from it.  I only walk away from a friend when something seems permanently unresolvable.

Your friend is definitely being rude to you.  I'm guessing that she doesn't fully understand how your lives have changed with the baby, and she feels like she's been blown off, that you don't want to do things with her anymore because you're all focused on the baby now.  She may feel rejected, and she's being a jerk about it.

In your situation, I might respond to her note "We're not making excuses, we just can't go.  Why are you being nasty about it?"  Then I'd have a conversation with her to really explain how your lives have changed, and that you still care about her and want to see her, but it's much more difficult to do some activities now.  Offer some activity on your terms (e.g. come over for coffee while the baby naps), when you turn her down for something she invites you to.

(I have a new baby at home too, and I think that people without children may simply have no idea how much time and attention they take, and how much more difficult social activities may be for you for a while.)

If she continues to be rude to you about it, then you can always respond "Look, we've talked about this, we can't do X right now, and if you really want to see us, you need to Y."  Confront her when she's being rude, while still giving the friendship a chance. 

If she just refuses to understand or change, then you can drop the friendship without remorse.

Just my opinion.  I sympathize, and I hope things work out with your friend!