Another advice columnist drops the ball.

[LuckyDucky]

I am at a complete loss for words at the disgusting piece of advice given in a recent Woman’s Magazine here in Australia.

Dr Rosie is an…intimate relations advice columnist who also gives advice about the relationship outside of the bedroom.  The Q & A that has got me steamed up involves a lady who was marrying the man of her dreams.  There was an argument about inviting his ex-wife to the wedding.  She didn’t want to (her gut said no) he did, he got his way and the ex got invited.  Fast forward to the reception and the new bride can’t find her husband anywhere.  She walks out to the car park and catches the groom and his ex-wife “in the act”.  She gets mad at her husband, he claims “it doesn’t count because it was his ex-wife”.

This columnist then advises her to stay married to the man (because it was only this one time), set boundaries stating that if it ever happens again, she is leaving and to forgive and move on with their new life together.

What??? Am I the only person who finds this response to be less than helpful?  There is no way I would advise anyone, family, friend or complete stranger to stay, given this situation.  If he thinks sleeping with his ex-wife doesn't count, he could possinble do it again, thinking he isn't doing anything wrong.  I was so mad at this response it took all my restraint not to throw the magazine at the wall.

*breathes in & out* Ok, i am calmer now.  Does anyone out there think that the advice given is a little sub-par? 

[Suze]

A LITTLE SUB-PAR !?!

If I were the "new wife"  the marriage licence wouldn't be dry before the divorce (or annulment) papers would be filed.

No forgiving - If he wanted his ex-wife so bad he could go back to her.

Oh and the evil me would walk back into the reception and grab a microphone and tell the room the marriage was over and just why the marriage was over

[HorseFreak]

He was bonking the ex-wife on THEIR WEDDING DAY and she should stay married?!?!?! Hello, annulment!

[Lisbeth]

Not just a little sub-par, but totally outside the solar system.

What planet is Dr. Rosie living on that she would advise a bride who caught her groom in the act with his ex-wife at their wedding reception to stay married to that total bacon-fed knave?

Definitely not earth.

[twinkletoes]

I'm all for couples working out their problems and not 'throwing in the towel' when the going gets tough.

But HOLY MOLY!  If a husband is having sex with his ex-wife after getting married to another woman (and on their wedding night, no less!  Not that it would make it 'better' if he did it three weeks down the road, but you know what I mean), then it can only go downhill.

[euphorya]

Worst advice ever. 

On one hand, that new bride probably felt like a complete fool and just wanted someone to say, "it's OK, all couples go through things like that."

On the other hand, who has to even ask that question?  If your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is so low that you have to ASK someone if you should stay with a man who was caught HAVING SEX WITH HIS EX-WIFE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, has much more serious problems imho.

Sheesh...

[ShadesOfGrey]

Worst advice ever. 

On one hand, that new bride probably felt like a complete fool and just wanted someone to say, "it's OK, all couples go through things like that."

On the other hand, who has to even ask that question?  If your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is so low that you have to ASK someone if you should stay with a man who was caught HAVING SEX WITH HIS EX-WIFE ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, has much more serious problems imho.

Sheesh...

many of those types of questions ar made up by the magazine staff. ITA with your post, though!

And I agree, twinkletoes that cheating doesnt equal automatic divorce, but in this situation, holy moly! I wonder how long they dated before getting engaged???

[kathrynne]

I would've been a widow on my wedding night, and DH knows it. I admit I might have taken just long enough to ensure that I was listed as his beneficiary so I could pay the legal bills, but either he or the marriage would NOT have survived that.

Then again, it's not something DH would ever have pulled.

[EvilAlice]

Dr Rosie is an…intimate relations advice columnist who also gives advice about the relationship outside of the bedroom.

Well, she should stop.

Great googly moogly, that is just INSANE.

[Tosha Go]

As a woman who married a man who has been married before I find the "advice" given to be completely asinine!  When we got married the ex was not invited, and not even told until a few weeks after!  The main reason was that she is a toxic human being with whom my husband wants very little to do with.  An Email here and there but that's about it.  (Dont worry, there are no children involved)  I guess it's different for every situation, but I know from my own personal experience I wouldn't want an ex-wife around my wedding.

[twinkletoes]

"If the bride has to question what to do, even several weeks after the fact, then clearly she's not mature enough to be married in the first place."

You bring up a good point.  It reminds me of the "runaway bride" from Georgia.  Didn't she have, like, 15 bridesmaids?  And had invited hundreds of guests?  But apparently they were all too busy and she couldn't talk to any of them?

And you're right, those letters to advice columnists might be several months old by the time the columnist gets to them.  I really hope the bride responds and says "Just writing the letter made me realize what I had to do.  I have since gotten a divorce and kicked his bottom to the curb!"

[LuckyDucky]

Well, i have re-read the article, without the red film of outrage to cloud my vision.  

The bride is 25, the groom is 39.  The ex was invited for the sake of their (groom & ex's) children.  Ex was flirting with groom on the dance floor in front of bride, and then they disappeared.  that's when the bride found them.

I feel sorry for this woman, because she still loves this guy, and this advice is not going to give her the motivation to leave him.  As there are kids involved, the husband and the ex will still be interacting, and how long before it could happen again?

It's probably all made-up though...Still fake or not, the advice was cr@p.

[blue_bunny_paz]

Set boundaries? Surely the boundaries would be already set in the marriage vows. What kind of boundaries is she suggesting? "Please only have affairs on days when I am otherwise occupied or when I am over 20 miles away."

Good grief. If that's the wedding day I think that's a pretty clear precedent set. "It doesn't count because it was his ex wife." Do ex girlfriends count?

[Lunadiana75]

I'm a strong advocate of couples trying everything to save a marriage before divorce, but somethings you you just can not work through.  A man getting busy with his exwife on the day of his wedding certainly falls into that catergory. 

[lady_disdain]

Ugh - I hate it when columnists say "divorce him" or "stay with him".  The reality is just so much more complex than a single letter can tell. They should try to show a way that the writer can make their own decision ("If you think that this is a one shot case then... On the other, if you believe...").

Just for the record, I would just tell the groom "if you want her, then keep her" and announce our "irreconcilable differences".