Author Topic: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails  (Read 26690 times)

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missmolly

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This is quite long, as the submitter spends quite a lot of time justifying some more questionable actions on the part of her and her husband. Her main point of the story is how some people who didn't attend got offended at thankyou notes. What grabbed my attention is this submitter's own faux pas and sense of entitlement. Be prepared for a very thorough commentary on the submitter's financial issues

This is actually a question, hopefully not a story about a bad thank you note. Recently my husband and future SIL threw me a baby shower.  It is our second child but the sex is different from our first child, and the children are 4 1/2 years apart, also, at the time my first child was born, we lived in a very very small studio apartment and there was no room to save the baby items, so I ended up giving most of them away.  The result being that we needed a lot of new stuff, especially clothing.  I had saved a lot of my daughter's things but most of what she had was pink and frilly and not appropriate for my son (including the crib sheets, etc.)  I do not have any sisters, my mother is unable to throw me a shower because she is busy caring for my grandmother who suffers from Alzheimer's and simply doesn't' have the time, space or money to host a shower, and my husband's mother passed away two years ago and is not here to help us out.  I didn't' dare call a friend or relative and straight out ASK them to throw me a shower, but my husband dropped a couple of hints to my brother's fiancÚ and even though she doesn't have a lot of money herself, and NO space to have a big party, she agreed she'd put one together if he agreed to help her out with it (which he did).

I'd love to know exactly what the husband's "hints" were.

My SIL is a college student and doesn't make a lot of money.  My husband had been injured on the job and was not working, and due to complications in the pregnancy I was also not working, but collecting disability, so we had to have a no frills shower, and we literally paid for everything little by little over the course of 4 months in order to have this event occur.  And, as you can see, the shower was not a surprise party for me.  Although it should have been the SIL and my husband doing all the work and stuff with me not knowing, finances made it necessary for me to help out a bit, and the complications in the pregnancy made it necessary for it to NOT be a surprise because they had to schedule around doctor's visits, etc.  So I ended up helping with my own shower, financially and in terms of some of the work being done.

Oh, poor you.

We made our own favors, the shower was held in our apartment to avoid having to pay hundreds of dollars we really couldn't afford for a hall, and I did some arts and crafts and bought the door prizes and prizes for the games my husband and SIL planned.  We got invitations for free from the store we set up the registry at as part of a promotion, and used them because we simply couldn't afford fancy preprinted ones and any little bit we could save on shower expenses helped, even if it was $5 or $10 in dollar store invites.

The registry was long but most of the stuff on our registry included clothing, since we have all girl stuff and needed boy/blue things.  Although the registry was listed on the invitation (remember we got the invitations for free from the store as a promotional thing), nothing indicated that you had to buy a gift from the registry and in fact most of the gifts we ended up getting people bought from the store of their own choosing.  We had some large items on our registry (like a travel system, car seat, swing, highchair - but no furniture or anything like that!), however our experience is that rarely do people get the large items from registries anyway, and we figured after a few months we'd go and get these larger items on our own as sometimes the store will give you a discount for getting registry items after the date of your event or there will be a sale and you can take advantage of that sale to get some of the larger items.  This may sound really cheap of us, but it isn't meant to be, we really were that financially strapped. It turned out anyway that most of what we received was the layette and clothes (badly needed) and we saved little by little for the next month or so to get the larger items ourselves, and then only the ones we absolutely knew we'd need at the time (the child won't be sitting up and eating for at least 6-8 months so obviously we never bought the high chair, and we decided to use a "Snugli" or hip carrier rather than the stroller, figuring when the baby is a little older we might be in a better position to get the stroller).  And this was fine with us -- even a $1 baby bottle was helpful and hey! a gift is a gift.  A couple of people called to ask what specifically we really needed and each time we just said, "pampers and clothes".  Some of our friends went out and got huge cartons of newborn pampers from the local price club as their shower gift to us, and we were genuinely thrilled because, given our finances, that was a very big help to us.  We were also happy for cloth diapering supplies too.  If heaven forbid we run out of pampers I have an emergency back up and a washer at home to wash the cloth ones in.

We sent out the invitations a month ahead of time and of course hardly anyone bothered to RSVP (a growing trend).  My SIL was listed as the RSVP contact but since my husband and SIL were kind of splitting tasks, right before the shower, my husband and SIL split the guest list up and began calling those who hadn't RSVP'ed to confirm.  For us it was really important to get as accurate a headcount as possible because we really didn't have a lot of money and so the food was being cooked by a friend of mine, as I said we made all the favors ourselves, etc.

How could we forget.

Three of the women invited were my husband's very close friends from high school, people he'd been friends with for over 20 years.  Only one out of the three had bothered to RSVP by the date indicated on the invitation and she'd called to send her regrets.  NO problem.  The other two were called the week before the shower as we hadn't heard from either of them.  My husband called since after all they were his friends.  One said she could not attend due to a prior family engagement and the other said she also would not be able to make it because we had indicated that the shower was "women only" and she did not have childcare for her two boys (who are horribly behaved otherwise we might have made an exception and allowed her to bring them).  This second woman, let's call her "Dana", ended her call by stating, "even though we can't come, of COURSE we will send along a gift".  I was very offended about this as was my husband, and my SIL.  We were having rough times financially, we DID need things for our child and a gift would be nice, but we were not having this just to get gifts out of people -- although the event was going to be in our home, this was for financial reasons and not because we were grubbing for material things.  Also it was more important that our friends of 20 years or more be here for the party, just to celebrate our child's arrival.  Their "presence" at our home to celebrate our son was more important than their "presents".

She said at the beginning that the reason that prompted the shower is because of their lack of baby items.

Due to all the complications we were having this shower in my 8th month of pregnancy, because we were worried the baby wouldn't make it, and we were so glad that the medical problems had been resolved and both I and the baby were OK.

In addition to the rude person above, other people said they were coming and at the last minute called us with these larger than life stories about some horrible emergency they had that prevented them from showing up.  Out of the 6 people who did this, only 3 of the stories seemed credible.  But, in each case, even when we really thought the person on the other end of the phone was exaggerating things to get out of showing up to the shower, or outright lying, we gave them each the benefit of the doubt, said we were sorry to hear of their emergency and that they'd be missed, but by all means -- take care of your emergency situation.

We'll only continue to speculate about your truthfulness on a website.

Some of the people who were not able to attend or who cancelled at the last minute were gracious enough to send us a gift.  They certainly weren't required to given that they were not able to attend the shower, but they felt they should.

In each and every case where someone who had not attended our shower still sent along a gift, I sent a "thank you" card.  My practice is to send the thank you IMMEDIATELY, and they are always hand written in a blank greeting card (the addresses on the envelopes also are handwritten).  They went out the morning after the shower, or if I got the gift in the mail, I sat down immediately after opening the gift, wrote the thank you (dated it) and it would be mailed if not the same exact day, the next morning.  The text of the thank you for those who had not attended but who had sent a gift along was standard and it read as follows:

"Thank you so very much for the (type of gift sent) you sent along for our new baby.  (Then a sentence or two follows about what I liked best about the gift or why it would be especially helpful/useful to us.)  We understand that you were unable to come to the shower due to (the reason the person said they could not make it), and it is kind of you to have sent along a present despite your not having been able to come to the shower.  Your generosity is noted, and your presence certainly was missed.  (and then there is either -- please extend our thanks or our regards to (the husband or some other family member whose name appears on the gift card) or please give us a call soon to come and visit anyway, we haven't' seen you in some time and would like to reconnect soon, (insert telephone number))."

This is of course, the point of the submission. Perhaps it wasn't her intention, but it could easily be read as a bit of a chastisement for not attending, (she does keep mentioning the fact that they didn't attend).

NOW.  The above thank you note text was sent literally to every person who was invited to our shower but for whatever reason could not come and sent along a gift -- whether a last minute cancellation or whether it was someone who RSVP'ed right from the beginning to state their regrets.  We had a very close friend of ours who lives right nearby RSVP with her regrets right away because she had a bridal shower the same day -- not only did this friend not come, but on her way to the bridal shower, she stopped by our home, rang the bell, and dropped off huge boxes of baby gifts at our home.  She spent over $200 on a baby tub with shower attachment, tub toy holder, a whole mess of tub toys and towels.  We were blown away at her generosity, and at the fact that she stopped by on her way to another event just to drop off gifts.  She received the same exact  "thank you" text, except I added that it was so nice of her to drop by on the day of the event when she totally could have come another time and that we really hoped she'd come visit, see the nursery and just spend some time at the house to make up for her not having attended. So basically we treated someone who cancelled at the last minute or who gave their regrets and sent a $5 or $20 gift in the mail with the same exact courtesy as if they'd stopped in with a $200 present.  We don't come from money, we know that a gift is a gift and everyone gives what they can and any little bit helps, it is one less thing we need to scrape money together to buy.

Also, a variation of the same text is used for any out of state friends and/or relatives who may have heard about the new arrival, that we were expecting, etc. and were nice enough to send a gift.

For some reason, though, the three friends above (the ones who know my husband for over 20 years but said they couldn't make it to the party) were particularly offended by the content of my thank yous to them.  One of them called up my house screaming at the top of her lungs and hardly giving me a word in edgewise saying how dare I send something like that to her, this is the first and only time she'd ever declined an invitation from us, etc., etc.  Another one asked for her gift back.  No one else besides these 3 complained.  Perhaps others were offended but didn't call to say so??

Did I say something horribly wrong in these thank yous?  If anything, I thought it was polite to remind people that they were missed, that it was more about spending time with them than their present but that their having sent a gift despite not being able to be there for the party was an especially generous gesture (which it was), and that we understood why they couldn't attend and hoped all was well with them and their family (including an invitation to come visit another time to catch up over coffee or something given that due to some other situation they couldn't make the shower).

Or is this a case where rude people get offended by those who practice etiquette?  Or were these three women lying about why they couldn't come and the comments in the thank you only hit a sore spot in their consciences?

I'm baffled.  If this is my faux pas please enlighten me.  I certainly don't want any more screaming, cursing phone calls from people in the future.....

Well there you go. I counted about 16 references to their financial problems.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2008, 10:40:00 AM by missmolly »
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

ganjin

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2008, 08:50:48 AM »
Well, you know, Miss Scarlett---tomorrow IS another day. . . Oh, this wasn't Gone With the Wind?  I DO tend to get those three-pound novels mixed up.

missmolly

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2008, 08:55:44 AM »
As God is my witness, I'll never go without pampers again!
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

amanda_tlg

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2008, 09:05:09 AM »
I won't throw her into ehell for having a shower for a second baby. (I did, but I didn't have a shower for the 1st baby, and they were almost 5 yaers apart). But there is no need to keep shoving the "You Didn't Attend!" thing in the absentee guests' faces.

What I don't get, and this ocured to me when I read the story on the main site, is that they spent over 4 months saving & planning for this shower. You know how much stuff they could've bought themselves by then? If they really really needed clothes (as she kept stressing), you can get barrelfuls of baby clothes in practically brand new condition at Goodwill and thrift stores. Most stuff babies outgrow before it starts looking bad. Most of my kids wardrobes comes from those stores to this day!

Elle

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2008, 09:22:55 AM »
I have to admit, I'm as baffled as the LW. What was the offense of her Thank You cards that got such a hostile reaction?     Can somebody enlighten me?  :)

AprilRenee

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2008, 09:32:25 AM »
My impression of the thank you notes is that she kept bringing up that they person didn't attend.

My thoughts on thank you notes (and I could be wrong) is they should just be about THANKS. It shouldn't be something about why the person couldn't make it, just a "Hey, I  loved _____ it will certainly come in handy. Thank you for your generosity, I greatly appreciate it" or something like that. not a "Well, thanks for ___I liked it, even though you didn't show to my shower"

HorseFreak

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2008, 09:35:02 AM »
I have to admit, I'm as baffled as the LW. What was the offense of her Thank You cards that got such a hostile reaction?     Can somebody enlighten me?  :)

I imagine her phrasing made it obvious she didn't believe their excuse. It's one thing if one person calls to throw a fit about being offended, but 3? That makes me think she said something that came across not-so-nice.

That submission was really irritating to read with all her references to her financial problems and how perfect she is over and over again. Ugh...

OP, could you use a different color on your notes? Even a darker green would make it a bit easier to read. Thanks :)

Elle

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2008, 10:06:57 AM »
Okay, I can see that. Thanks  :)

nliedel

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2008, 10:07:40 AM »
There is something more here than the obvious. That's how I see it. Seems like a bit of a whitewash.
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Twik

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2008, 12:55:38 PM »
I can see this problem, actually - one can want to convey the message "I was sorry I didn't see you there, it would have been nice to chat. I hope I see you soon," as a friendly gesture, and have someone else read it as a reproach -  "Why didn't you bother to show up? You neglected your duty to answer my summons."

On the other hand, either she has VERY touchy friends, or the letters were a little less wistful and a little more accusing than the writer admits. And the whole War and Peace-length explanation of why they had to spend large amounts of money to get stuff they couldn't afford to buy (but no, the shower is NOT just about getting gifts, oh no!) has nothing to do with anything.
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Trisha

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2008, 01:09:55 PM »
There is something more here than the obvious. That's how I see it. Seems like a bit of a whitewash.

I think so too. She went WAAAAY out of her way to make herself sound like she smelled like roses.

baglady

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2008, 01:59:15 PM »
Maybe the submitter was a bit clumsy in her thank-yous to the no-shows, but unless what she wrote here isn't really what she wrote to them, I see nothing wrong with the basic message of "It was so sweet of you to send/drop off a gift even though you couldn't come to the shower. We missed you and I hope we can get together sometime soon."

IMO the ones who really deserve a place in Ehell are the women who called to scream at her because they didn't like the tone of her thank-yous -- especially the one who demanded her gift back. JMHO.
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MrsO

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2008, 02:03:48 PM »
Maybe the submitter was a bit clumsy in her thank-yous to the no-shows, but unless what she wrote here isn't really what she wrote to them, I see nothing wrong with the basic message of "It was so sweet of you to send/drop off a gift even though you couldn't come to the shower. We missed you and I hope we can get together sometime soon."

IMO the ones who really deserve a place in Ehell are the women who called to scream at her because they didn't like the tone of her thank-yous -- especially the one who demanded her gift back. JMHO.
I agree. Those ladies were especially rude. I don't really think the OP was that bad. Maybe she went out of her way to make herself sound like the innocent party because she's seen peoples reactions to second showers and such like here, and didn't want to get flamed for it?
Just a thought.

jennipooh97

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2008, 02:33:51 PM »
I won't throw her into ehell for having a shower for a second baby. (I did, but I didn't have a shower for the 1st baby, and they were almost 5 yaers apart). But there is no need to keep shoving the "You Didn't Attend!" thing in the absentee guests' faces.

What I don't get, and this ocured to me when I read the story on the main site, is that they spent over 4 months saving & planning for this shower. You know how much stuff they could've bought themselves by then? If they really really needed clothes (as she kept stressing), you can get barrelfuls of baby clothes in practically brand new condition at Goodwill and thrift stores. Most stuff babies outgrow before it starts looking bad. Most of my kids wardrobes comes from those stores to this day!

I thought the same thing when I read this story on the main site!  That is the most baffling part of this story, IMO.  I can forgive the shower for the second baby, and the awkwardly-worded thank you cards, but that just makes no sense.  They could have bought so much for their baby if they just spent the money they saved on the things they needed.  They must have really thought they were going to make out like bandits on all of those shower gifts.

snowflake

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2008, 01:33:52 PM »
They were so poor they had to make the decorations and favors themselves?  I guess I must live in the armpit of society because I haven't been to more than one or two baby showers were they had professionals come in.  Our idea of non-DIY favors are custom ordering M&Ms and putting them in bottles!  We decorate with diaper cakes or "flower bouquets" made from bootie socks that the baby can wear later!  Poor me. 

I guess baby showers are more of a fun party (with fun shopping before hand) than a "get stuff" thing too but that just shows you how low-class we are.

Um, so she's 20 years out of high school and still living in a studio apartment, dirt poor and on disability...and she doesn't believe that other people can possibly have emergencies or problems?