Author Topic: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails  (Read 26092 times)

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Twik

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2008, 01:47:30 PM »
If the letter-writer had simply offered up her TY wording, and asked if it were polite or not, I think most people would have said it seemed well-intentioned, but there was wording there that could, if the invitees were sensitive, sound like you were reproaching people for not coming.

The whole novel-length story about the poverty, the need for stuff, the large amount of money spent on the party (?), and so forth makes the whole thing sound off. There's a lot of self-justification going on there.
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MrsO

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2008, 02:14:55 PM »
If the letter-writer had simply offered up her TY wording, and asked if it were polite or not, I think most people would have said it seemed well-intentioned, but there was wording there that could, if the invitees were sensitive, sound like you were reproaching people for not coming.

The whole novel-length story about the poverty, the need for stuff, the large amount of money spent on the party (?), and so forth makes the whole thing sound off. There's a lot of self-justification going on there.
:-\ hadn't really thought of it like that...

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2008, 09:05:23 AM »
If the letter-writer had simply offered up her TY wording, and asked if it were polite or not, I think most people would have said it seemed well-intentioned, but there was wording there that could, if the invitees were sensitive, sound like you were reproaching people for not coming.

The whole novel-length story about the poverty, the need for stuff, the large amount of money spent on the party (?), and so forth makes the whole thing sound off. There's a lot of self-justification going on there.

I think that is what is setting off my radar.  A simple TY, and people were offended?  Your invitees are rude.  The saga of Eliza crossing the ice, complete with highly impractical behavior (how much money, time and work went into this shower just so the baby would have the right colored blanket?), only to be snubbed?  Something isn't right here, and maybe the MTB is at least partly to blame.
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ganjin

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2008, 10:28:40 AM »
I wonder if any of us could THINK of anything she COULD say in a thank you note which would be of such monstrous consequence as to make us ask for our gift back?   Her example certainly does not hit the mark.    She's either glossed over for this post, or she travels in some really touchy company.

katarain

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2008, 11:37:22 AM »
It's too bad you couldn't come because of reason X.  Your generosity is noted. 

These statements send a pretty clear message: I'm keeping track!

That's what I find offensive. It's strange that she would put their reason for declining in the thank you note.  That hardly seems appropriate.  And it sounds stilted and awkward.  Completely unnecessary. 

"Your generosity is noted" is particularly cold and scientific.  It really does seem like she has a big chart with everyone's name on it.  You get a -1 for not coming to the shower, but your gift of Y gives you a +1 or perhaps +2.  It might even suggest that how generous you are is being taken into account when figuring your score.

audrey1962

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2008, 12:16:27 PM »
"Thank you so very much for the (type of gift sent) you sent along for our new baby...  We understand that you were unable to come to the shower due to _______ and it is kind of you to have sent along a present despite your not having been able to come to the shower.  Your generosity is noted, and your presence certainly was missed...  please give us a call soon to come and visit anyway, we haven't' seen you in some time and would like to reconnect soon, (insert telephone number))."

"Your generosity is noted" is awkward, but not, by itself, outrageous. However, combines with the bolded sections, I can understand why some would feel that she was "rubbing it in." And is it necessary to include her phone number? If they're friends, won't they already know it?

Regardless, calling her to yell at her? VERY rude.

djinnidjream

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2008, 03:10:48 PM »
I don't think we can really speculate on who was ruder- most stories, its pretty obvious who the wrongdoer is, but this story is so whitewashed and self justified that its not clear to me who was more in the wrong.
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HonorH

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #22 on: January 30, 2008, 03:48:55 PM »
Seems to me the submitter could've saved herself a lot of trouble by spending her money on the baby and not throwing a shower at all.  Her friends and family would no doubt have asked her what sort of things she needed for the baby and would've been only too happy to give whatever they could.  Dunno what happened with the TY notes, but honestly, the whole thing makes absolutely no sense to me.
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snowflake

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2008, 03:55:33 PM »
I'm not even going to try and find out who was ruder - because it seems like they all are.

It could also be that her husband has friends who do random rude things and don't think there is anything wrong with it because they have this odd justification thing.  Normally I wouldn't assume that someone made friends like that but we've met the wife...

afbluebelle

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2008, 04:50:57 PM »
Hmmmm, lets see...  spend our money on favors that people won't really care about, decorations that will get thrown away, and food that will be half eaten, or spend the party money on baby stuff?

I'm a bit biased though, because I never got a first shower.. I see no reason to throw yourself a second one.

ETA - Not trying to sound like a martyr or get sympathy.  We got a lot of very lovely gifts, but we are space out away from our families, so a shower wasn't going to happen.
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wyozozo

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #25 on: January 30, 2008, 05:15:55 PM »
Quote
She received the same exact  "thank you" text, except I added that it was so nice of her to drop by on the day of the event when she totally could have come another time and that we really hoped she'd come visit, see the nursery and just spend some time at the house to make up for her not having attended.
(bolded part mine)

This was the wording that offended me! If this is truly how she worded her notes, yes, she was rude!



Brentwood

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #26 on: January 30, 2008, 05:47:50 PM »
I have to admit, I'm as baffled as the LW. What was the offense of her Thank You cards that got such a hostile reaction?     Can somebody enlighten me?  :)

She shouldn't have kept harping on the fact that these people did not attend. Of course, I sincerely doubt that anyone called her up "screaming at the top of her lungs". I tend to think that is an exaggeration to make the would-be guests look worse and the poor, put-upon mother appear better.

Her reference to others needing to "make up" for not attending the shower gives me cause to think maybe she was guilt-tripping those who didn't attend. She already said she didn't believe some of the reasons for not attending.

Brentwood

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #27 on: January 30, 2008, 05:53:08 PM »
I won't throw her into ehell for having a shower for a second baby. (I did, but I didn't have a shower for the 1st baby, and they were almost 5 yaers apart). But there is no need to keep shoving the "You Didn't Attend!" thing in the absentee guests' faces.

What I don't get, and this ocured to me when I read the story on the main site, is that they spent over 4 months saving & planning for this shower. You know how much stuff they could've bought themselves by then? If they really really needed clothes (as she kept stressing), you can get barrelfuls of baby clothes in practically brand new condition at Goodwill and thrift stores. Most stuff babies outgrow before it starts looking bad. Most of my kids wardrobes comes from those stores to this day!

I thought the same thing when I read this story on the main site!  That is the most baffling part of this story, IMO.  I can forgive the shower for the second baby, and the awkwardly-worded thank you cards, but that just makes no sense.  They could have bought so much for their baby if they just spent the money they saved on the things they needed.  They must have really thought they were going to make out like bandits on all of those shower gifts.

That was my thought while reading it also. They "saved" for four months to pay for this shower? They held it in their own home (oh! the humanity! having a shower in the home!) to save the cost of a hall (in my neck of the woods, having a shower in a hall would be unusual indeed), and made all these sacrifices in order to hold the shower that was held because they needed things for the baby but that wasn't really about gifts at all...

Anyway. They could have spent that four months slowly acquiring what their baby would need. Swings and travel systems and high chairs are all nice luxuries to have, but they are not needs. The baby needs food, clothes, diapers and a place to sleep. A few onesies, one piece sleepers, and a few pairs of socks are enough to outfit the child for at least the first few weeks.

Brentwood

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #28 on: January 30, 2008, 05:56:15 PM »
Quote
She received the same exact  "thank you" text, except I added that it was so nice of her to drop by on the day of the event when she totally could have come another time and that we really hoped she'd come visit, see the nursery and just spend some time at the house to make up for her not having attended.
(bolded part mine)

This was the wording that offended me! If this is truly how she worded her notes, yes, she was rude!

Yes, I found that wording to be off-putting also.

housewife2k

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #29 on: January 30, 2008, 06:22:59 PM »
I find it odd that they saved for four months to have a shower for a baby that they weren't even sure was going to make it until the shower, held at eight months.
My cousin was looking like she was oing to have a very early preemie, luckilly, her body stopped itself, and though we are still worried, not so much. As soon as she realized that her pregnancy might not be ideally healthy, she made a request that the shower beh eld after they bring home a healthy baby.