Author Topic: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails  (Read 26095 times)

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alecmari

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #45 on: February 04, 2008, 09:38:09 PM »
Quote
She received the same exact  "thank you" text, except I added that it was so nice of her to drop by on the day of the event when she totally could have come another time and that we really hoped she'd come visit, see the nursery and just spend some time at the house to make up for her not having attended.
(bolded part mine)

This was the wording that offended me! If this is truly how she worded her notes, yes, she was rude!

Yes, I found that wording to be off-putting also.

You know, I could see innocently saying "make up" for missing the party.  One relative missed my shower and had her gift delivered.  I sent her a TYN that said that I was sorry she missed the shower and inviting her to come over for lunch so we could visit.

Otherwise, I agree the writer sounds like she should be in Ehell.  The notes can be interpreted as snarky (depends on her personality) and the story is so...umm...convoluted? 

Taken by itself the "make up for not having attended" could be dismissed as entirely innocent, but taken as part of the whole of this story, it seems less so.

Oh, I agree.  I think she was being snarky and P/A.

And the rest of that thought (which I forgot to type out  ;)) was that while I didn't use the phrase "make up for" in my TYN it was really just a fluke and I could easily have used it without thinking or refer back to my TYN saying "make up for" while paraphrasing the note.  Would it have been rude in my case if I had done so with no snark intended (more responding to wyozozo there  than you)?

Kendo_Bunny

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #46 on: February 05, 2008, 01:40:23 AM »
Geez, this one's a doozy. I don't really have a problem with having a second shower for necessaries, but what does a baby care if his sheets are pink or blue or black with skulls on them? Until a certain age, babies basically have the awareness of footballs, and then they elevate to gerbils. If he was, say, 2 or 3, he may not like sleeping on pink girly sheets, but still.

It sounds really weird to include the exact reason why your guest did not attend. I can understand if it was an illness, and you included 'I certainly hope you/your husband/your mother/your child feels better soon!' in the note, but 'I understand you couldn't attend because your child had the flu'. It makes it sound like a tally, like if you tell her Little Johnny has the flu, she'll go 'Ha! He had the flu last time too!'. Like she's just waiting to pounce in case you claim tonsil surgery or your grandma dying or your husband's birthday or your sister's wedding twice.

hireath

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #47 on: February 05, 2008, 04:32:26 PM »
Whoa! I totally didn't realize until I was reading Andromeda's post that I missed that they lived in a STUDIO apartment. OK, so they have a roughly 5 year old daughter, who is never mentioned again, save for the fact that she had pink frilly stuff, and a new born on the way. Where in the world are they planning on keeping a stroller, a swing, a crib, a basinet, etc while having a place for them and their daughter to sleep, too. Studio apartments are tiny!

Also, I am really, really, disturbed that the first child is never mentioned again, at all. Where is she during the party?

I'm not sure I understand what it is so disturbing about the older child not being mentioned again.  The story isn't about her after all. 
GRanted, the story wasn't about the daughter, and after rereading it a few times, they had already moved out of the studio. I think I worry about it because it's mentioned that one of the husbands friends isn't attending becasue she cannot find a sitter for her boys, and it's a women's only shower. I am wondering who is watching the daughter, maybe.
I don't know, there's just something about her not being mentioned again that just rubs me the wrong way.

Fair enough.  I just figured the girl was either at the shower or she was with her dad.

Off topic a bit, but when my first was 5 months old we went to my sister's baby shower.  (He was included on the invite).  He was the only male there, but again, he was on the invite, and was only 5 months old.  So my sister's MIL comes up to us and says "When is your husband coming to pick up Munch?  Boys don't belong at showers."  She's a little opinionated!  I just laughed and said "I guess when the shower is over."  She smiled, patted Munch on the head and walked away.  Sis and I got a good laugh at that one.  I'm just glad that she's not my MIL.

Brentwood

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #48 on: February 05, 2008, 06:11:15 PM »
Geez, this one's a doozy. I don't really have a problem with having a second shower for necessaries, but what does a baby care if his sheets are pink or blue or black with skulls on them? Until a certain age, babies basically have the awareness of footballs, and then they elevate to gerbils. If he was, say, 2 or 3, he may not like sleeping on pink girly sheets, but still.

It sounds really weird to include the exact reason why your guest did not attend. I can understand if it was an illness, and you included 'I certainly hope you/your husband/your mother/your child feels better soon!' in the note, but 'I understand you couldn't attend because your child had the flu'. It makes it sound like a tally, like if you tell her Little Johnny has the flu, she'll go 'Ha! He had the flu last time too!'. Like she's just waiting to pounce in case you claim tonsil surgery or your grandma dying or your husband's birthday or your sister's wedding twice.

Yes, it does give off that "I'm keeping score" vibe, doesn't it?

Clara Bow

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #49 on: February 09, 2008, 03:20:06 AM »
It's knowing the prices of the gifts that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.....someone's definitely keeping score and I would have been offended as well.
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Lisbeth

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #50 on: February 09, 2008, 01:17:23 PM »
This writer sounded to me like she was looking for reasons to be offended at what happened.

IIRC, family isn't supposed to give a shower for family unless the guests are all family members, and the non-attendees were friends of her husband.

I agree with Twik that she went on waaaaay too long about how "poor" she was and having to save 4 months for decorations and refreshments (like the PPs say, why couldn't she just use that money to buy new things?) and that there's no reason she couldn't have reused her daughter's things even if they were pink and frilly.  My younger brother inherited some of my stuff when we were very small, and our parents certainly didn't have much money.

As for the thank-yous, the writer did overemphasize the non-attendance of the people who didn't come but sent gifts anyway, and that could come across, as it apparently did, as snarky and passive-aggressive.  But they didn't merit being yelled at, unless, as Twik says, there's more to the story than the tome we read.
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amandaelizabeth

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #51 on: February 09, 2008, 11:01:14 PM »
For me the uncomfortable bit is "we understand that you were unable to attend because........".  To my ears this sounds as if she is accusing them of lying, and I think it probably sounded like that to the recipient

Winterlight

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #52 on: April 22, 2008, 01:50:42 PM »
I'm boggled at the mention of renting a hall for a baby shower. Is this a common practice? I've only been to ones in people's homes.
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Bob Ducca

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #53 on: April 22, 2008, 02:08:39 PM »
I love this one, it's one of my favorites.

My take: if the Wronged Mom wrote this tome to justify herself to an anonymous website, imagine what it must have been like to be a friend or acquaintence during the months leading up to the shower.  (Go ahead, imagine this is a friend of yours on the phone with you.)

It begins: "Oh, woe is me, how will we ever get along?  We don't have any baby things anymore, we're out of work, how will we pay for this baby?  What if it is a boy?  How can a boy sleep on pink crib sheets."  Silence.  You attempt something like, "Well, it will work out," and more wailing ensues.

It continues: "Oh, alas, my mother is dead and my mother-in-law has dementia, or the other way around, and my sisters are gone, so there's no one to throw me the shower I NEED to properly outfit this baby!"  Silence.  "If only I had a friend who would volunteer to throw me a shower, goodness knows I would never ASK, that would be RUDE..."

It continues: "Lamentations, I weep, DH finally convinced- I mean, future SIL finally volunteered to host a shower for me, but I'm having to pay for it myself, the people who are invited had better give me a lot of stuff to make up for all the money I'm spending..."

And, closer to the date: "You're coming aren't you?  Sorrow, sorrow, I need you to be there, I don't have the stroller I registered for..."

And, as you RSVP your regrets, "I wail, I prostrate myself, you can't come to the shower to honor my possible future baby (who may not live, mind you) with your token?"

Then, you open the thank-you note, written exactly as she describes, and when you call her, she says, "But didn't you notice, I wrote your address on the envelope MYSELF, even though my hands haven't worked since Thanksgiving..."

Yes, I might have screamed, too.

Did I mention, I love this one?  :)

Kaylee

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #54 on: April 22, 2008, 02:11:22 PM »

Did I mention, I love this one?  :)

I like your version better.   ;D ;D ;D

twinkletoes

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #55 on: April 22, 2008, 04:13:05 PM »
'If someone sent me a disturbingly snide TY note, dripping passive-agressiveness, harping on about how much money the shower cost her, clearly implying that the recipient simply doesn't BELIEVE that my husband was in a nearly fatal car accident the day before [for example] then yes, I might actually be rude enough to ask for my gift back."

I'm right there with you.  I'd have a hard time not saying something in response.  I totally believe the writer wrote something horribly p/a and snide.  And I'm with CathyF - it could be the tynote recipients called and said "how could you write that?" and the writer embellished details and said they screamed at her for effect.'

I think what sealed it for me is that *three people* called the mtb up regarding her tynotes.  I keep thinking of that saying "if one person tells you you're drunk, ignore him.  If six people tell you you're drunk, sit down."  So, if three people are calling you up to scream at you about tynotes, I have a hard time believing the letters were as innocent as the writer made them out to be.

supernova

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #56 on: April 22, 2008, 05:20:25 PM »
And why can't a baby boy sleep on pink sheets?

Or, if it bothers her that much, why can't Mom go to Walgreen's and buy a $2.99 package of Rit dye?  A whole bathtub of "pink" things can be turned another color, and a seam ripper ($1.89 at JoAnn's) can get rid of the "frills."

More to the point, if she and her DH are both on disability, living in a cramped apartment, so dirt poor they have to mention it 17 times in their submission, and they've already got a daughter...  but no, I am not going to go there.  I'm going to go have some bean dip.

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Snewt

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #57 on: April 22, 2008, 09:59:11 PM »
This one has always struck me as odd.  4 months to save for a shower? To get clothes and not "real furniture?"

The response to the TY notes was odd.  When people couldn't come to my bridal shower, I said something like, "Thanks for the food processor.  Ben and I will think of you when we use it to make tasty food in our new home.  I'm sorry that you got the flu and weren't able to attend the shower, and I look forward to seeing you soon." I didn't think this could be considered rude... should I not do this when I do baby shower thank yous?

Kaylee

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #58 on: April 22, 2008, 10:02:29 PM »
Saying you're looking forward to seeing them soon is fine.  It's just not necessary to point out the reason that they weren't there (but if it was because of illness, it's fine to say that you hope they're feeling better, too).

Like any number of PPs have pointed out, it wasn't so much the content of what the storyteller supposedly wrote as the way she said it, pointing out over and over and OVER that they hadn't come to the party.  Mentioning it once in the context you're describing wouldn't have raised any eyebrows.

Dindrane

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Re: This submitter goes out of her way to avoid looking bad, and fails
« Reply #59 on: April 22, 2008, 10:34:07 PM »
For whatever reason, I always feel like I should mention that I miss having seen someone, when I'm writing a thank you note after a party he/she could not attend.  I guess I feel like it would be callous to not mention it at all, because most of the reason I'd want to have a party in the first place is to see my friends and family.  I just wouldn't dwell on it, and would be sure to mention that I'm looking forward to seeing whoever it is soon.

I suppose I use the same logic at, for instance, Christmas when I'm not with my extended family.  If my grandmother sends me a gift, I'll mention that I wish I could have seen her when I write her a thank you note, and I'll usually say that I hope to visit soon.

Is it completely wrong to mention a guest's absence period, or only wrong to dwell on it?