Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

How to deal with socially inept friend? (rather long)

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Hi all, I've enjoyed reading the forum for some time - I posted on the old one, albeit very shortly and some time ago, so you probably won't remember me anyway. :)

I have a problem which I'd love your opinions on - it's come to annoy me a great deal!

I have a friend - let's call her Jane. We live just one block apart, and met coincidentally at another function, and hit it off. She's great fun, and is a very friendly person who enjoys many of the same activities that I do. We discovered that we live so close, and since then we've met up about once a month for a walk, a movie or something.

The problem is, she is very, very socially inept. She's 31, but she seems much younger in person because she acts so immature about a lot of things. I am 25, and I feel like I have ten years on her, experience-wise. She doesn't know how to do her taxes, asks me about advice on her laundry, her love life (or lack thereof - she's never dated or kissed anyone) and everything in between. This I don't mind so much.

What I mind is that I always, with no exception, do the hosting when we do things together.
Now, I've been to her apartment exactly once - I stopped by with a birthday gift (and had called ahead to ask if she was home and whether it was ok), and I swear, she is not just messy - she lives in a squalor. I can't even begin to describe how dirty and messy her place was!
Okay, fine, so we do stuff at my place instead. She's never invited me over, before or since (and it's not like I was staring in horror - I really tried not to let my emotions show), and it seems to be a quiet understanding that when we plan things, it's at my place.

I'm married, and all three of us are students. So none of us have much money - but of course, it's more expensive in some respects to live as a single than as a couple.
What bothers me is that she has not once offered to cook, bring groceries, pay for movie rentals etc. It seems like she just accepts that I always do the hosting. She never brings a hostess gift - which I wouldn't expect for such informal "dates", but considering we've payed for and cooked her dinner at least 20 times, and she hasn't treates us once... last week, we went to Blockbuster to rent a movie. We selected one, she took it from the shelf, so I thought 'hey, nice, she's paying' - except when we got to the counter, she just handed it to me. And I paid. I couldn't think of an etiquettely (heh, sp?) way to suggest she paid it.
I also can't think of a way to suggest that she brings something over just once in a while. Granted, it's not like I serve prime rib and a 5 course meal, but an extra person is still an expense - and she has a healthy appetite, and eats literally more than hubby and I put together.
She's never even offered to help with the dishes - not that I'd accept it, I think, because her definition of hygiene is different from mine - but still, it'd be nice with the offer!
She once brought over coffee - hubby and I are both tea drinkers and don't drink coffee, and she knows this. She announced that she'd brought the coffee for herself, 'because I felt like it'. She drinks tea as well as coffee. Fair enough - I was just brought up with not to bring something and not share.

I once suggested she bring some snacks of her liking for a movie watching - I told her I'd bought some rice crackers and some fruit, but if she had other ideas, she could bring some. So she brought cookies - which she didn't share. (She kept the bag in her lap all through the movie, and didn't pass it around.)

Meh, there's more to it, but I think this post is long enough as it is! I don't want to end the friendship over something so "trivial" as who pays for food - but hubby is really getting on my case about it (she's "my" friend more than a mutual friend). When I say she is socially inept, I don't mean just because of the above - there are many ways in which she is very immature and clueless about social situations. I think this is spurred by ignorance, not malice - which actually makes it harder.

Any suggestions? Thanks in advance for the help - you all give great advice!

Edited because I can't type!

I have a few socially inept friends.  Does she know she is socially inept?  It sounds like she does know this, and was just raised by wolves so she doesn't know the right thing to do.  If that is the case, I would have a sit-down with her and be straight.  Emphasize that you know she has a kind heart, and doesn't really mean the way her actions come off.  But, that friends are expected to alternate hostess duties.  Since she obviously doesn't feel comfortable hosting at her place, she can host you at your house.  Otherwise, you will start to feel taken advantage of. 

T'Mar of Vulcan:
It sounds to me like she's not really a "friend" at all - she's sponging off you. She knows you'll always pay for movies, lay on dinner and snacks, etc. You must decide if you want to keep being taken advantage of in this way or not.

But, as someone who is extremely socially inept, she honestly might just be clueless. I've been clueless about many aspects of social interaction for years, to the point where I started to wonder if I didn't have Asperger's or something. (I think it was just so traumatized by high school and the abuse I suffered there that I closed myself off for many years.) One thing I do share with people with Asperger's is, I have to be TOLD how to act in certain situations; I don't pick up the behaviour naturally.

My point is, sometimes the only thing that will wake a socially inept person up is a clue-by-four. In most cases it would be considered rude, but if your friend is as socially inept as you say, you'd be doing her a favour by pointing out how to act in social situations: that you share what you bring, that you offer to do dishes, pay or host. She probably has no clue that she's annoying you by NOT sharing, etc. So tell her. In the long run you're helping her be etiquelly (? is that a word?) correct.

Edited to add: what are some other socially inept things that she does? It might give us a clearer picture.

How well do you know her? a couple factors you mentioned make me think possible mental illness...

Just assuming for a moment that mental illness is not a factor:

It's not a question of paying for food and movie rentals, it's a matter of reciprocity.  It's fine if only one person does all the hosting as long as both of you agree to whatever arrangement you come up with.

The question is, can you come up with a mutual arrangement?

Let's say you approach her and tell her frankly what you posted on this forum.  You enjoy her company, but money is tight and you'd like to have her help pay for rentals, dinner, snacks, etc. 

If she's contrite and admits she had no idea this was a problem and agrees to contribute more, then've encountered a conflict, dealt with it and your friendship may be stronger as a result.  Otherwise, one of two things will happen: either she gets mad and never speaks to you again, or she will continue to act the way she does now, you will put up with it for a while (because you're nice) and eventually get sick of it and stop associating with her.  Either way, you're okay, because she wasn't a friend to begin with.

I have a story about how this happened to me years ago, but I'll put it in another thread so I don't hijack this one.



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