Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

[Thipu1]

Some years ago, a friend and I were on line to pick up tickets to a concert.  A cellist from our home town was to be a featured soloist. 

As we waited, we chatted.  I was on line ahead of her and turned around so we could see each other while talking.  I was therefore in a position to see the face of the woman in line behind her.  Of course, our discussion turned to the cellist.  My friend was a teacher and had taught one of his children in her 4th Grade class.   

When she said, 'He's a lovely man.  I had his kid, you know'. you should have seen the face of the  lady behind us.  It was the living embodiment of 'gobsmacked'.   

Of course, 'having someone's kid' is just teacher-speak but not everyone knows that. 

[ebrochu]

At our work, we have a Security company that we call if we have any alarms going off in the building. They call, and ask for a "Password number" Each higher up has one, and once this number is given, they can tell us what the alarm was for.

The name of the security company? Chubb Security

Well, I was in our back office, and my immediate manager was talking to a male co-worker, and Said to him "hey, do you have a chubb number??"

Cue me breaking down into hysterical giggles, and the guy looking at me laughing and saying "SOMEONE'S got a dirty mind!"



I'm sure we all know what Chubb is a euphemism for...

[MizB]

When I was in high school I sang a duet with a friend of mine. The song was "Think of Me" from "The Phantom of the Opera." There is a point where I was finishing a line and he came in with "you've really changed your really not a bit the gawkish girl that once you were,"

No matter how enunciated the word bit always ended up rhyming with witch.

[Midnight Kitty]

This incident happened while I was driving, DH was riding shotgun, and our friends, an older married couple were in the back seat.  They were trying to fasten their seatbelts.  Since we seldom have people riding in the back seat, the seatbelts tend to hide between/beneath the seat cushions.  They were helping each other accompanied by this conversation:

Him:  Did you find it?
Her:  Yes, now hold it up.
Him:  I've got it up.
Her:  It won't stay up.  Hold it firmer.
Him:  This is a firm as I can hold it.
Her:  I can't get it in.
Him:  Push harder.
Her:  Hold it up!
Him:  I'm holding!  Can you find the hole?
Her:  I can find it, I just can't get it in.

They went on and on, round and round, until I had to pull over because it wasn't safe to drive when I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

[violinp]

This incident happened while I was driving, DH was riding shotgun, and our friends, an older married couple were in the back seat.  They were trying to fasten their seatbelts.  Since we seldom have people riding in the back seat, the seatbelts tend to hide between/beneath the seat cushions.  They were helping each other accompanied by this conversation:

Him:  Did you find it?
Her:  Yes, now hold it up.
Him:  I've got it up.
Her:  It won't stay up.  Hold it firmer.
Him:  This is a firm as I can hold it.
Her:  I can't get it in.
Him:  Push harder.
Her:  Hold it up!
Him:  I'm holding!  Can you find the hole?
Her:  I can find it, I just can't get it in.

They went on and on, round and round, until I had to pull over because it wasn't safe to drive when I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

I would have too! 

[Moonie]

When my brother and sister were young, my sister had one of those hair holders that was a leather piece that had a stick that went through each end to hold the hair . (Think early70's). Mom and I were in the living room when the following was heard:

Sis: "STOP IT!!  STOP IT!!! GET MY THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!! MOOOOOOM, HE WON"T GIVE ME BACK MY THING!!! GIVE ME MY THING!!!! STOP SUCKING ON IT!!!"

Mom and I were crying with laughter and had to hold onto each other to keep from falling off the sofa.

Another recent one was a friend of mine posted on Facebook a picture of a church she took on vacation. The church was painted pink, and she tagged a friend of hers who I assumed really liked that color. Her friend commented, "That's so pretty. I wonder if it's pink on the inside, too."  I couldn't help myself. I commented, "That's what he said."   It was just sitting there waiting for me...what else could I do?

[jayhawk]

I was checking out at the grocery store earlier where I had picked up a roast and a brisket. I bring my own bags, so the young man checking asked if I wanted my meat wrapped in plastic [bag]. I didn't think anything of it until he quietly turned to the kid sacking and said, "Remind me to tell you what another customer said when I asked him that."

I was  Then  then 

[Mental Magpie]

"Where do you want this?  It's kind of big.  In your trunk?"

I met my coworker in the parking lot at work to pick up the computer and monitor he sold me.  He had the monitor and a few other things in a large box.  I couldn't answer him I was laughing so hard.

[whatsanenigma]

When I was in high school I sang a duet with a friend of mine. The song was "Think of Me" from "The Phantom of the Opera." There is a point where I was finishing a line and he came in with "you've really changed your really not a bit the gawkish girl that once you were,"

No matter how enunciated the word bit always ended up rhyming with witch.

That reminds me of a production of "Dracula" we did when I was in high school.

At several points in this play, one character or another says "The horror! The horror!"

Midwestern American kids plus bad fake British accents equals my friends and I holding our hands over our mouths backstage and pointing at each other.

[wonderfullyanonymous]

I walk into the lounge at work yesterday, to hear his from one of 2 associates at a table...


"I like mine good and hard."

I turned and looked at them and said "Well, I guess I walked in on the wrong part of that conversation." and watched to see if she would realize what she said.

Yup, she sure did, by turning a brilliant shade of red, and exclaiming they were talking about peeps.

 

[Diane AKA Traska]

I walk into the lounge at work yesterday, to hear his from one of 2 associates at a table...


"I like mine good and hard."

I turned and looked at them and said "Well, I guess I walked in on the wrong part of that conversation." and watched to see if she would realize what she said.

Yup, she sure did, by turning a brilliant shade of red, and exclaiming they were talking about peeps.

Y'know, "Talkin' 'bout my peeps" doesn't really clear that up.   

[wonderfullyanonymous]

I walk into the lounge at work yesterday, to hear his from one of 2 associates at a table...


"I like mine good and hard."

I turned and looked at them and said "Well, I guess I walked in on the wrong part of that conversation." and watched to see if she would realize what she said.

Yup, she sure did, by turning a brilliant shade of red, and exclaiming they were talking about peeps.

Y'know, "Talkin' 'bout my peeps" doesn't really clear that up.   

This is true.

Oh, another one. My work lounge is a cesspool of this thread.


I, age 40 something, sit across the table pregnant girl, age 20 something, and shortly after that young hot guy, age 21, comes into the lounge and sits with us. A bit later other coworker, age 30 something sits.  We are all chatting, and young hot guy stretches and says my leg is growing.

Pregnant girl and I look at him, and I say, "ummm shouldn't you keep that to yourself?" Pregnant girl starts laughing and other coworker asked what he said. When I told her she says "Jackie!!!" I defend myself with "Well, he said it."

YHG, turns a brilliant shade of red and mumbles something about his pants getting to short. He then says, "You 2," meaning me and other coworker "should not be talking about that because you're old."

Other coworker says, "I'm not that much older than you are." Me. "That was tame compared to what can come out of my mouth." 

[ladyknight1]

I am a volunteer with Boy and Venture Scouts, also a wilderness first aid trainer. DH found a nifty little first aid instruments kit yesterday and brought it home for me. I work with another Scout volunteer, and I took the kit with me today to show him.

Me: Hey, later come by my office I want to show you something.
Him: That sounds dirty.
Me: 

[Elfmama]

Something I almost posted on anther list, but stopped the finger heading for the 'post' button in time.

A new member was marveling at all the spammers that were hammered this week, and I typed out "Yeah, they come in spurts."

[Piratelvr1121]

Pirate babe doesn't crawl down the stairs like most toddlers, he likes to hold on to people's hands and try to walk down the stairs.   This morning I reached out to pick him up but instead he grabbed my hands and started to step down.  Dh came up behind us and I said "He likes to go down by himself."

Dh says "Isn't he too young for that?" 

It took me a few minutes for that to 'click'.