Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

[Dr. F.]

Me, at the hardware store today:

Nice young male assistant: "Can I help you?"

Me: "Yes, I need a longish screw"

<weird pause as we both realize what I just said>

Me: "I mean, I'm looking for a 5-6" long wood screw to repair a wooden fence"

He refrained from giggling until he was no longer within hearing distance, at least.

[MizB]

Background: I filled in at another location within my company yesterday. The layout and features of this location is quite different than the one I am currently in.

I was telling some coworkers how different the store I filled in at last night was from our store. One of the big things is that the counters are much higher. As I described how much higher the counters are I mimed where the counter hit me on my body, which happens to be right under "the ladies."

A male coworker who was part of the discussion said as I showed them where they hit me, said "I would love it if ours stopped there." We all busted up laughing at what it sounded like he said.

He quickly back tracked and said that he meant it would be nice if the counters were taller as ours are relatively short and being a tall guy its uncomfortable.

[WolfWay]

A friend of mine asked her dad to "pick up a couple of pairs of suspenders" for her the next time he went to the shops.

He blushed furiously, said he wasn't sure what sort of size or style to get her, and rather desperately tried to suggest that perhaps she should ask her mum to do that sort of thing. Friend was baffled by his response, and "Oh just some plain black ones will do fine, and I'm pretty sure they're adjustable one-size-fits-all kind of things, aren't they?".

The mutual confusion was sorted out when both of them figured out that while she meant "elasticated braces for men, that hold up your trousers and go over your shoulders", he though she meant "lacy underthings for ladies that hold up your stockings".

[Tsaiko]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

[Slartibartfast]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

I can just imagine the English equivalent - complimenting a man on his tasty nuts?  Asking how heavy his nuts are?  Asking if he will share his nuts with you?

[greencat]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

I can just imagine the English equivalent - complimenting a man on his tasty nuts?  Asking how heavy his nuts are?  Asking if he will share his nuts with you?

I had to stop myself from having something fairly similar to that come out of my mouth earlier.  You see, the very nice guy had offered to share his cashews with the group...

[Tsaiko]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

I can just imagine the English equivalent - complimenting a man on his tasty nuts?  Asking how heavy his nuts are?  Asking if he will share his nuts with you?

That's a good analogy. My only saving grace was that the site hasn't gone over the verb for to lick yet. To eat was bad enough.

[emwithme]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

I can just imagine the English equivalent - complimenting a man on his tasty nuts?  Asking how heavy his nuts are?  Asking if he will share his nuts with you?

I had to stop myself from having something fairly similar to that come out of my mouth earlier.  You see, the very nice guy had offered to share his cashews with the group...

I was a teenager and dating a man who was a few years older than myself (I was 16, he was 24).  He had a seven year old son. 

One night we were all sitting on then-BF's sofa watching a movie and eating snacks.  I went to open a bag of crisps at the same time that then-BF opened a bag of peanuts.  Our elbows clashed and the peanuts went all over our laps. 

I had to leave the room when then-BF's son said (in full innocence) "It's OK, you can just blow dad's nuts before you put them into your mouth". 

[Julia Mercer]

http://www.opposingviews.com/i/gallery/entertainment/20-pictures-prove-you-have-dirty-mind?=hot

[hermanne]

Title of an article in an archeology magazine:

"Thorfnn the Mighty's Thing"



("thing" is Old Norse for "assembly", the article was about where this guy convened his parliament.)

[magicdomino]

Title of an article in an archeology magazine:

"Thorfnn the Mighty's Thing"



("thing" is Old Norse for "assembly", the article was about where this guy convened his parliament.)

And a very mighty thing it was, too. 

[White Dragon]

Doing some Christmas shopping today and I am waiting in line, items on the belt.
I glance down, turn to the gentleman behind me in line and say:

"I'm sorry if this sounds like a strange request, but would you mind if I felt your ball?" 
As I asked, I was pointing to a dog toy he had on the belt - a tennis ball with a rope attached.

He just smiled and said go ahead, whereupon his wife and I talked about the merits of the toy and I decided it wasn't suitable for my dog. 

Later on of course, I thought if 20 better ways to phrase the request, but by then it was too late.

[Mel the Redcap]

The British medical show "Embarrassing Bodies" has now expanded to a season filmed and shown here in Australia, which is awesome because I find it fascinating (and wince-inducing, but that's part of the fun). At a certain point during each episode, they mention the website through which you can look for information on your own embarrassing condition or volunteer to be on the show, and display a little animation of a mouse pointer clicking on the "talk to the doctors" button.

The button right underneath that says "Click here for herpes!"

I cracked up laughing EVERY TIME, and came up with all sorts of things to say about it. "Now that's a new type of computer virus!" "Delivered right to your inbox! *sniggersnigger*"

Apparently I'm not the only person to have seen that, because the website doesn't have that button any more.

[Piratelvr1121]

I am taking online lessons in Spanish through a website. I had multiple years of Spanish in HS, but that was *mumblemumble* years ago. So I'm starting from the beginning both as a refresher and because I have forgotten so much.

The lessons I'm currently working on is food. This includes the Spanish word huevos, or eggs. The problem is that I am well aware that huevos is also slang for a man's testicles. In fact, my Spanish teacher in HS made a point of teaching us alternate ways of saying ordering eggs because it could be a problem in some countries. I completely failed one of the modules on food -twice!- because I was laughing so hard at the various sentences about men and women eating, well, huevos.

I know they mean eggs. I know they do. But to my still 12 year old mind, it sound so wrong.

Well, there's always Rocky Mountain Oysters that are a bull's "huevos"

On Christmas we had seated ourselves for the traditional post-dinner and presents spade game and as always MIL set out the honey roasted peanuts and peanut M&Ms.  Now, these games are not taken seriously and the enjoyment really comes from busting each other's chops and being silly more than any actual winning.   Which is a good thing cause I lose every blasted time. I stink at spades but it's so much fun playing with these people.

Especially when we got to giggling so hard we were about in tears when we started in on the nut jokes. I think it started when my 11 year old (observing, not playing) got up and then sat back down and noticed that the honey roasted nuts were now near MIL.  He said "Heeey...where's my nuts".

It went downhill from there on.

[Tashigi]

Necessary background: My younger cousin and I are avid bakers. I have also said at one point (or several), "Becoming an adult doesn't meaning growing out of toys. The toys just get bigger and/or more expensive."

She was flipping through a department store ad and pointed to a sale on Kitchenaid mixers. "Oh look, they're having a sale on our favorite adult toy!" she said in complete innocence.

It took a lot not to laugh.