Author Topic: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't  (Read 151039 times)

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milosparront

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2008, 12:51:18 AM »
I posted this on the old thread.  It's not naughty just funny.

I discovered, much to my dismay, we had run out of bathroom tissue.  I usually by this item in bulk.  Anyway along with the bathroom tissue I picked up a novel to purchase as well.

Without missing a beat the checker says to me, "That must be SOME book you plan on reading."   :o

It's one of those situations you have to be there to really appreciate!!  LOL!

janegirl987

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2008, 01:00:40 AM »
I posted this on the old thread.  It's not naughty just funny.

I discovered, much to my dismay, we had run out of bathroom tissue.  I usually by this item in bulk.  Anyway along with the bathroom tissue I picked up a novel to purchase as well.

Without missing a beat the checker says to me, "That must be SOME book you plan on reading."   :o

It's one of those situations you have to be there to really appreciate!!  LOL!

lol  My DF fell off the couch laughing at that!  He said that'd be something he would expect someone to say to him.

behindbj

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2008, 09:37:31 AM »
My best friend manages a fabric store and has to resist the urge to giggle when people come in and ask "Can I get felt here?"

How did she react when someone wanted to know if they had Stiffee?

behindbj

Bob Ducca

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2008, 09:44:09 AM »
The choir was rehearsing "Carol Of the Bells," in which the words are mostly, "Ding dong, ding dong."  At the end, the basses hold a long, low G on the word, "Dong."  The boys wouldn't hold the note long enough.

Quoth the choir director, "Basses, you must hold your dongs out until I cut them off."

True story.  Or so the person who told me said the person who told them said.

My own rehearsal mess-up:  We were singing a song with the word "Love" in it, and my tenors kept singing Luv (with a flat, East-Texas "uh").  I said, "Tenors, you need to make your mouth taller, like this: LAAAAHHHV.  Everybody, let's all make LAAAAAHHHV."

The rehearsal was over.

FoxPaws

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2008, 09:57:43 AM »
Back in the day, the computers at the copy shop had to be unlocked with a switch behind the counter. No matter how often it happened, it was still a little weird when a customer asked, "Could someone please turn me on?"
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baglady

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #20 on: February 08, 2008, 11:19:08 AM »
I spent Christmas with a dear friend and his wife. Wife and I are both huge fans of the TV show "House," and I write a lot of "House" fanfiction. Friend is not a fan but enjoys my writing and has become familiar with the characters through reading my fic. He'd given me an idea for a story, but it would involve more medicine than I generally use in my fics, which are mainly romances. He has a far better knowledge of medical stuff than I, so I told him I'd need him to come up with symptoms, diagnosis and treatment for the patient that would be plausible, and I'd work that into the story. We both got distracted by life and I never got around to bugging him about his contribution to the story.

Friend: Whatever happened to (story?) You gave up on it?

Me: No, I'm waiting for you to give me a disease!

Wife (jaw drops, giggles).

Me: Ummm... I should probably rephrase that!

(Laughs all around)
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Ferrets

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #21 on: February 08, 2008, 11:59:18 AM »
The choir was rehearsing "Carol Of the Bells," in which the words are mostly, "Ding dong, ding dong."  At the end, the basses hold a long, low G on the word, "Dong."  The boys wouldn't hold the note long enough.

Quoth the choir director, "Basses, you must hold your dongs out until I cut them off."

True story.  Or so the person who told me said the person who told them said.

My own rehearsal mess-up:  We were singing a song with the word "Love" in it, and my tenors kept singing Luv (with a flat, East-Texas "uh").  I said, "Tenors, you need to make your mouth taller, like this: LAAAAHHHV.  Everybody, let's all make LAAAAAHHHV."

The rehearsal was over.

*sprays monitor with tea*

ROFLMAO! ;D Choral ones are the best. :) You reminded me of one from our choir...for full effect, imagine it in the campy British accent of our conductor. A request to the sops to sustain a note before we (the tenors) came in, emerged as:

"Ladies, brace yourselves for the tenors' entry!"

And you reminded me...

Years ago at school, I played Fraulein Schneider in the sixth-form production of Cabaret. We were rehearsing the scene where the grocer woos me with exotic fruits, and the deputy head was giving us directorial notes as follows...

"Jim! You must remember that this isn't just a casual gift, it is an exotic and expensive rare fruit, and to present her with it demonstrates how much you adore this woman.

"You must stride in and proceed to make love to Sara with a pineapple!"

Amazingly, I actually had one of those rare moments where the brain provides a fitting retort instantly (as opposed to the usual three days later ::)), and deadpanned a slightly paraphrased line from Blackadder in Baldrick's whine: "Won't that be rather prickly?" ;D

housewife2k

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2008, 01:06:05 PM »
Hubby told me I had to post this.
For the great-grandma-in-laws funeral, last week, Hubby's aunt and two daughters drove up from Utah. Aunt was discussing how oldest daughter's boyfreind (are we all following along, the boyfriend of her just turned 18 year old daughter) lives right near a chicken farm. She was commenting on how, every morning, all he hears are chickens and roosters.
Aunt then looks at OldestDaughter and asks "Honey, how many morning must your boyfriend wake up and immediately feel like walking outside, and choking a chicken?"
We all immediately laughed, while Aunt looked blankly at us for a moment. It was visible on her face when what she said sunk in, she turned bright red, and started apologizing and backpedaling.
We all knew what she meant, it just took her a moment to realize what she could have been asking her daughter.

Clara Bow

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #23 on: February 08, 2008, 03:54:14 PM »
A roomful of girls, gently and brightly saying "Swallow it when it hits the back of your throat...that's it, swallow...swallow....swallow...."
NG tube placement lab.
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Bob Ducca

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #24 on: February 08, 2008, 03:56:14 PM »
WolfieSara, choir rehearsals are the best places to find the unintentional dirty remark...

Fee

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #25 on: February 09, 2008, 06:58:25 PM »
We used to place comments like that that people made on a whiteboard.  It was usually my comments up there...

We were watching the tennis one day and I noticed that the guys would have a few tennis balls thrown to them, they would choose two out of the three, keep one to serve and place one in their pocket.  The next comment out of my mouth was "Don't their balls get sweaty"...  :-[  This was met with an answer of hysterical laughter from all present...

lisat

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2008, 03:05:16 PM »
ordering parts for airplane: cock pocket
Telling a male worker that his nuts were in and on her desk. Then compounding it by asking if he was sure that they were big enough.
My 22 yr old daughter working with Navy men. She has lots of them. Bless her heart. She can also read her boyfriend's Field and Stream mag. and make it dirty by how she reads it.

geordicat

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2008, 04:01:06 PM »
When I volunteered at the Y, a bunch of us were standing outside doing who knows what.  One of the directors was talking to the maintenance guy about hanging a banner on the front of the building..

He made the mistake of saying "Can you get it up today?"

I couldn't resist saying "That's a personal question". >:D

I have a levitron top on my desk.  http://www.levitron.com/  My enginerds LOVE it.  I always hear "How long can you keep it up?" or "What's the longest someone's kept it up?" Or the ever popular "I just can't get it to float!"

When I had it at home, my (now ex) bf and my son had a contest of who could keep it up the longest.  I couldn't even compete.
Light travels faster than sound.  That's why some people appear bright until they open their mouth.

jennipooh97

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #28 on: February 12, 2008, 05:24:57 PM »
I know that I've heard or said things like this in the past, but I can't remember anything right now for some reason, so I'll post about something that happened to someone else.

I was reading a women's magazine where people were confessing their most embarrassing moments.  One lady said she was in an ice cream shop, trying to decide what flavor of ice cream she wanted.  There was one particular flavor that she hadn't had before and wanted to sample it before she bought it, so she went up to the teenage male shop clerk and asked, "Can I taste your banana?"
« Last Edit: February 12, 2008, 05:35:57 PM by jennipooh97 »

Moonie

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Re: Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2008, 10:15:13 AM »
When I was sixteen, my first job was at a small store at the mall that sold ethnic Indian clothing and decorations as well as .....well, let's say equipment made for enjoying "herbal" indulgences.  (can you say mid 70's head shop)?  I was VERY naive, to say the least.  We kept water pipes on the shelves behind the register. One day a man came in and was looking past me on the shelves and I asked him if I could assist him with anything.  He said "Yeah, can I see your bongs?"   My mouth dropped open and I must have turned at least ten shades of red.  All I could say was , "Ummmmmmm...."  Seeing my embarassment, he pointed to the shelves and said, "Those pipes there."  Whew!!!  Needless to say, I quit that job soon after.