Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

[Lokie]

A little while ago the DH was really into golf, so some weekend afternoons I'd go downstairs to read and find him on the couch engrossed in a televised golf match.  Some of those comments just sound absolutely awful when you take them out of context.

Commentator: He's going to have to be very accurate if he wants to take this hole.
Me, mumbling into my book: That's what she said.
Hubby: *spews beer*

[Kendo_Bunny]

For a little background, I met my sweetheart on a message board, and so some of our little tiffs played out across the message board. I don't remember exactly what he had said on this board, but I responded with: "Quiet, you, or you're not getting any pie this weekend".
Innocent little me was talking about the actual pie that I was actually baking for his weekend visit.

Though because of this, we had good fun with the rest of the board. He sent me a game called 'Princess Maker 2'- basically, your job is to raise a little girl to 18, and she gets all kinds of different outcomes depending on what you do. The game is rather addictive, so I said he had just sentenced me to spending the rest of my life trying to raise that kid. He asked if I wanted child support. Then we had the wonderful awful idea to provide a lot of board drama. We started a long topic where we were actually talking about the game, but everyone on the board thought we were talking about my unexpected pregnancy and that we were having a fight across the board about what we would do about it.

[dietcokeofevil]

In college, we used to call these "Grubbies".   

[Ondine]

One of the ladies I used to work with at Wal-Mart provided me with this little gem:

Wal-Mart sells Bum Equipment brand clothing. One day, this lady had to go call for a stock associate to clean up a spill in the area where this brand of clothing was kept. She paged twice over the intercom: "Could I get a stock associate to the Bum Equipment for a sticky clean-up please?" It took her a minute to try and figure out why the cashier was turning red - he was trying so hard to suppress his laughter.

[beingkj]

One of the ladies I used to work with at Wal-Mart provided me with this little gem:

Wal-Mart sells Bum Equipment brand clothing. One day, this lady had to go call for a stock associate to clean up a spill in the area where this brand of clothing was kept. She paged twice over the intercom: "Could I get a stock associate to the Bum Equipment for a sticky clean-up please?" It took her a minute to try and figure out why the cashier was turning red - he was trying so hard to suppress his laughter.

That would have had the entire store laughing in Australia. Pretty much no-one says "butt" here, it's always "bum".

[MadMadge43]

Screamed to a man across a store parking lot-

"Hey, Will you jump me?"

You see my battery was dead...

[Sleepingmediocre]

I, too, once asked our maintenance man if he would "jump me after work" because my car battery was dead.  He was drinking coffee with two of his buddies, and the looks on all three of their faces defied description.

[housewife2k]

Overheard in the ER "Hey, isn't it your turn to strip?"

Found out later tehy were referring to seperating preprinted labels.

[Flora Louise]

It kills me when people in movies or TV hear a knock at the door and call out, "Come."

(I'm waiting for the other person to respond, "You first.")

Oh, and I always think the word "sitzprobe" sounds too personal and vaguely medical. "

[hermanne]

Screamed to a man across a store parking lot-

"Hey, Will you jump me?"

You see my battery was dead...

I, too, once asked our maintenance man if he would "jump me after work" because my car battery was dead.  He was drinking coffee with two of his buddies, and the looks on all three of their faces defied description.

I need to clean my monitor...

[Scritzy]

My best friend's oldest has a collection of logo golf balls, most of which I gave him. He has them on display in his bedroom.

His (female) cousin walked by, saw them and said, "Oh, DB, I love your balls!"

Then she turned 50 shades of red.

Once while taking a walk on the beach, I saw a guy playing "fetch" with his Lab. He had a plastic object that would retrieve the slobbery ball and toss it again. Since we had a dog at the time that slobbered all over the tennis balls we gave her, I asked him, "Can you tell me where you bought the tennis-ball retriever?"

At least that's what I hope I said, because later, I swore I remembered asking him, "Where'd you get your ball grabber?"

[Paper Roses]

A few years ago, my workplace had just been switched over to a new computer system.  New hard drives were installed at each secretary's workstation.  Well, one day a secretary called the IT department and said,

"Hello, Dave?  There's a really funny smell coming from my thing."

Turned out the secretary next to her had put a cup of soup on top of her hard drive, which was close enough to the first woman's that she thought the smell of the soup was coming from her hard drive.

[breny]

My dad owns a hardware store and I worked there as a teenager.  Having men coming in asking for nipples (short piece of pipe threaded on both ends), ballcocks (part of a toilet), rods and nuts can cause a lot of embarrassment for a young girl.

[Hanna]

Not exactly dirty but....
Out with friends this weekend in a bar.
Friend 1 says "where's the bathroom"
I walk around the big column in the center of the room to look.
I come back, point it out and Friend 1 heads off to use the loo...
Friend 2 says what I hear as "Is he going to put something in there?"
and I give him the weirdest look.  Because, if one is headed to the bathroom then I suppose he is indeed going to put something in there.
We cleared it up.  Friend 2 thought I was checking out the jukebox on hanging on the column and meant was I planning to put money in it.  He actually said "Are YOU going to put something in there."

[readingchick]

Some background first.....
My mother was having a hard time deciding how to cook chicken breasts for dinner, so I suggested baking them with spaghetti sauce and mozzarella cheese (kinda like chicken Parmigiana but with unbreaded chicken breasts.....and yes it turned out great). While I'm grabbing the shredded mozzarella cheese, she starts pounding the chicken breasts until they were about 1/2 inch thick.....I put the cheese on the counter, comment on how thin the meat is......and Mom asks "Any other reasons why we beat the meat?" I must have given her a "do you have *any* idea what you just said?" look because she started laughing.....

I really must get my mind out of the gutter!