Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

[Information_queen]

The whole family was trying to avoid the obvious implication this past weekend.  My aunt came in for Easter and told my mom about this game, and they decided to make a set themselves.  Ladder Golf, if anyone's heard of it.  Well, you use golf balls, and we colored each set differently to tell them apart.  Some of them were blue, of course.  Those are the ones mom gave to dad.

We had the hardest time not teasing mom about giving dad blue balls. 

[PeasNCues]

What about Pennslyvania cities -
Virginville
Blueball
Bird In Hand
intercourse

Just to name a few

[AmethystAnne]

I work in Food Service.............condiments, anyone?

[ladiedeathe]

I'm an American, married to a Brit. Last year his sis and her DH flew over to meet me for the first time. DH and I have a 22 yr age difference also, so both sides were very nervous about how this was gonna go.

Everything was friendly, if extremely careful, the first afternoon. No one cracked a bad joke, no one made a smart alec remark.

And then we hit dinner. And drinks. And a few more drinks with the drinks. DH's sis starts to relax. DH starts to chat about a friend of his from junior school- a guy named Willie his sis should remember (Mind you, DH's friends growing up were pretty much all Jewish)

"Wille?" Sis says, "I don't remember meeting a Willie while you were in school. I've never seen a Jewish Willie..."

THe look on her face was priceless.

Needless to say that ended any awkwardness.

[Witty Username Goes Here]

Today, DH and I had two shrubs removed from our yard.  I contemplated writing "removing my bush" on the memo line, and then the thirteen-itis went away!

[In The Breeze]

My mother has a beautiful garden out the front of the house, with perfectly manicured hedges.

I asked her what she did on the weekend, and was told "I trimmed my bush".

She had to ask me to explain why Mr Breeze had gone red in the face.  The poor man was trying so hard not to laugh.

[juicy_fruit_kisses]

When I was little I thought the word "pianist" sounded naughty.  I still don't like to say it - I'll say "piano player" or something.   

[housewife2k]

Earlier today, Friend walked into the living room and loudly proclaimed "Where are my nuts? I thought I left them right here on the couch before I took a shower!"
I lost it. He was looking for his bag of pistachios, but still.

[FluteOfDoom]

So, I'm standing in the kitchen cooking something, and I hear my father proclaim loudly to my mother "I think I'll go look up some ho's online." I whipped around with a "WHAT" before it dawned on me.

My father is a bagpiper, and he needed some new, high socks (hose). 

[Pinky830]

At the courthouse where I work, the maintenance man is often helped out by prisoners who are called "trustees."  They help with heavy lifting and the jobs that nobody else wants to do, like cleaning toilets, and they come to work wearing black-and-white striped prison jumpsuits.  Sometimes, a former trustee will come back for a visit to say hello, and it's always kind of weird to see them in street clothes after looking at them in the jumpsuit for so long.  Once, a co-worker and I were shopping on our lunch break, and we ran into a former (male) trustee in the store.  We'd all liked him and gotten to know him because sometimes, on slow afternoons, he would come in to chat and joke around and make us laugh.  I recognized him and waved, but my co-worker didn't--she kept giving him the "don't I know you?" look.  He finally walked over and said:

T:  Miss X, don't you remember me?

CW:  You look familiar.

T:  I used to come by your office all the time.  Remember?  You always said I put a smile on your face on those slow afternoons.

CW:  Oh, YEAH!  I didn't recognize you at first, because this is the first time I've ever seen you wearing CLOTHES! 

It took me the rest of lunch break to calm down.  For the rest of the afternoon, I could barely even look at CW because I'd start giggling again.

I used to work out at the gym at the same time as a water aerobics class, which was generally populated with elderly ladies. One of them told me that a young, very fit man had taken the class for awhile when he was rehabilitating an injury.

She ran into him a few months later at a store, and when he saw her he brightened and spoke to her. She didn't recognize him at first and then blurted out in front of a crowd of people, "Oh, sorry! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!"

[juicy_fruit_kisses]

One of my co-workers is of East Indian descent and his name is "Oral."  He and a female co-worker were presenting at a conference last year and she was ribbing him about something.  Then she goes, "Haha, just kidding. I love Oral."

The room went quiet and a few "*snerks*" could be heard.....

[SquishyMooMoo]

At my day job, there's a group of high school kids who comes in just as my group is leaving to work for a few hours. They do 8 week long programs called JAMS, and in between those programs they'll do something called Super JAMS--basically, 6 or so of the best workers from the JAMS session are invited to do a little in-between session. In January there was a Super JAMS session that happened to be all girls. Some of these kids can't drive yet, so there's always someone who goes to pick them up from school.

The JAMS program director is a guy named Mr. Jim--he's probably in his 60's or so. We still joke about him walking out the door and calling over his shoulder, "I'm going to pick up high school girls!!"

[Kendo_Bunny]

One that happened at the college most of my friends attend:

There's a student card known as JAC (Jack). It's basically a debit card- you or your parents can load money onto it, and it's accepted all over campus. Not too long ago, retailers in town began accepting the card, prompting a massive campaign to alert students to this fact. Their slogan?
"Now you can JAC off campus!"

(Note that they didn't only print signs with this message: they also announced it on the radio. They stopped when all the signs were stolen, and someone suggested what might have prompted the thefts)

[RainhaDoTexugo]

The other day, BF and I went to the hardware store to buy some caulk.  While he picked out his caulk, I stood to the side and made my usual dirty jokes (I just can't resist caulk jokes).  You know, black caulk, small/big caulk, oh honey, you want me to hold your caulk?  Even AlexPlus caulk, which is even funnier because BF's first name is Alex.
He just rolls his eyes at me 

So, BF grabs his caulk (see what I mean, I just can't resist), we go to the register, and the caulk won't scan.  We generally make some kind of comment when that happens, something like "uncooperative" (we avoid the "it must be free!" comments for the sake of the cashier .  What word comes to BF's mind this time?  Testy 

I fought the giggles (didn't work) while BF and the cashier looked at me like I'm crazy, then BF finally gets it, rolls his eyes even more, at which point I couldn't hold it in any more, and went laughing out the door leaving him to finish paying.  The poor cashier probably thinks I'm a lunatic now

[rosiecat]

ROTFL!!!!