Author Topic: She mustn't have bonded with the baby  (Read 7846 times)

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redwineonsundays

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She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« on: February 07, 2008, 07:53:06 PM »
My very best friend just left for her honeymoon and she has left her 11 month old with her In Laws for 6 days.

My not so very best friend just rang me to discuss how awful it was.  I had to defend my friend while she went on about it. (I shouldn't have to defend somebody for leaving their beloved child with their beloved parents, who are staying in my friend's for a few weeks while their house is renovated, and who are great, loving grandparents, and I shouldn't have to point out that it will probably be hard on my very best friend but she will also enjoy a break from her nappy filled life, but anyway)

In my opinion whilst I have no problem with what my vbf does, why is it any of nsvbf's business, why must people think their opinion matters??  It really ticked me off.

Anyway, the clincher was 'She mustn't have bonded with the baby.  It would be because she didn't breastfeed.  I know because I could never leave my babies for that long'

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I said it.  'What an interesting assumption'.

Then I said, 'my other phone has been going.  I'd better go.  Have a good day'.

CakeBeret

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2008, 08:00:58 PM »
Whoa.

Wow.

Um.

Jeez.
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Shortcake

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2008, 08:46:02 AM »
Anyway, the clincher was 'She mustn't have bonded with the baby.  It would be because she didn't breastfeed.  I know because I could never leave my babies for that long'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I said it.  'What an interesting assumption'.

Then I said, 'my other phone has been going.  I'd better go.  Have a good day'.


 :o   >:(  That statement is so ridiculous!!!!!  (the bolded one)

You handled it well! You were polite. I can imagine it wasn't easy!  It was best not to dignify that statement with a response.
"Carry out a random act of kindness, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you."  Princess Diana

Bathing One

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2008, 10:38:41 AM »
Well done!

It must have been difficult to keep EvilRedwineonsundays locked in the basement!

Warbaby

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2008, 02:41:25 PM »
That is one time that EvilWarbaby, although a man, would have had to say, "You know, opinions are just like certain Biblical beasts of burden; everyone has one.  Why don't you keep yours to yourself?"

That is so far beyond the bounds of civilized behavior, let alone the bounds of etiquette, to make such comments!
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Yankeegal77

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2008, 02:10:18 PM »
Redwineonsund, you handled this exceptionally. Your VBF is lucky to have you in her corner!  Even super-moms need a break once in awhile, and for this other person to question the mother/child bond is appalling. Does she have jealousy issues? It sounds like she is a little cranky that someone else is having a honeymoon...

P.S. The grandparents sound wonderful!

evilbeagle

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2008, 08:04:00 PM »
You handled it amazingly well.

Where does this person get off even saying something like that out loud?

Katia144

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2008, 06:31:42 PM »
Wow.  I mean, the part that bugs me the most is the people that assume that EVERYONE wants to spend EVERY WAKING MINUTE EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR with their kids.

I mean, maybe they do.  I'm childfree myself so I could see myself gleefully leaving the kid with someone whenever I got the chance and running off to have a break from shrieking and smelly nappies.  But regardless of one's views on children, it makes sense to me not to take a really little kid on a vacation.  It'll cramp your style, if you have to go only places that are kid-oriented (no Louvre for you!) or have to run back to the hotel room every time the kid is fussy, sick, hungry, bored, etc. (in which case, why not just stay home and just sit around?), and there's no point in paying for a vacation for a kid that won't remember and/or won't appreciate it.  And especially on one's HONEYMOON, the point of which is to have alone time with one's new spouse!

LyanneB1

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2008, 10:00:20 AM »
Wow.  I mean, the part that bugs me the most is the people that assume that EVERYONE wants to spend EVERY WAKING MINUTE EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR with their kids.

I mean, maybe they do.  I'm childfree myself so I could see myself gleefully leaving the kid with someone whenever I got the chance and running off to have a break from shrieking and smelly nappies.  But regardless of one's views on children, it makes sense to me not to take a really little kid on a vacation.  It'll cramp your style, if you have to go only places that are kid-oriented (no Louvre for you!) or have to run back to the hotel room every time the kid is fussy, sick, hungry, bored, etc. (in which case, why not just stay home and just sit around?), and there's no point in paying for a vacation for a kid that won't remember and/or won't appreciate it.  And especially on one's HONEYMOON, the point of which is to have alone time with one's new spouse!

And the other thing is, it's not just better for the parents to have time to be themselves not just 'baby'smom/dad', it's also better for baby too to be able to be with trusted & loved others.  We get children of 3 come into preschool & mum says 'oh they might have problems settling in, I've never left them.  No, not even with granny/aunty/for 5 minutes at toddler group while I went to the toilet.  Aren't I a wonderful parent?'  (Ok, they don't say the last, but some heavily imply it.)  Sometimes the child hasn't even been left alone with dad who lives in the family home & doesn't work away. 

I think it's very sad, because it seems to be about mum's needs to be valued as baby'smom (not wishing to be sexist, but it's never been a custodial dad who's said it) rather than the baby's needs to know their family, or about mum's needs as a person in her own right.

We left the boys with DH's parents for a weekend when DS2 was 7 months & I was still breastfeeding.  So it was not just emotionally painful, but physically (especially since silly me forgot the pump!).  But it was important the we took time for ourselves as a couple & I did have a good time as did the boys.  We then left them with PIL for a fortnight when we went on honeymoon.

I don't wish to sound as though I'm knocking SAHMs, I was one for DS1 & wished finances could have let me be one for DS2.  But please, remember to be yourself, not only baby'smom.

MrsO

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2008, 10:26:16 AM »
I left both of my DDs with my mum and dad while me and DH went on our honeymoon. As wonderful as it was to have a childfree week and some time alone with DH, I felt like my arm had been ripped off. When I returned and asked DD1 if she'd missed me, the response I got was 'No!! Me and Grandma had a sleepover EVERY NIGHT!!!'. Yeah, thanks DD.   ::) They were in perfectly capable hands, they survived the whole week, and didn't even miss us. Not a bit. Your friend sounds jealous and spiteful. Good for you for not losing your temper with her. And for defending your friend.  :)

kudeebee

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2008, 12:23:27 PM »
I would be one of those moms "who didn't bond with their babies" according to your nsvbf!

When dd was born we lived about 4 houirs away from my mom and dad.  Dh and I both worked and so did my dad, so time together was rare and very precious.  My dd spent 3 weeks with them that summer at 10 months old (when my dad had his vacation days) and then 2 weeks with dh parents the next winter (they were farming yet and that was down time for them).  She went every summer and winter after that and then to both during the summer when she was older and in school. It was something that both dd and later ds looked forward to--they got to be spoiled, pampered and had the complete attention of their gps.  It was hard to have them gone, but I knew they were in trusted hands--heck, they probably watched over them a lot better than I did! ;)  The memories they made are something that can never be taken away from either the grandparents or my kids.  My dd still talks about her times with the gps and her dh is jealous as he never had those opportunities with his gps.  I had my gd for 3 weeks last summer and will bring her home with us again this year for 3 weeks.  We have sleepovers every night, too!  Poor dh gets booted to the guest room whilie she is here!

When they were at the gps it gave dh and I time to reconnect as husband/wife.  We could take short trips, we could do things around the house--make messes we didn't have to worry about cleaning up that we would have if the kiddos were home with us.  We talked with dd and ds on the phone, not daily but 2 or 3 times a week and would send them notes.

It worked for us, and several other friends who did the same thing with their kids.

ClaireC79

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2008, 01:51:49 PM »
It has nothing to do with breastfeeding and a lot to do with your personal make up, I couldn't leave one of my children for that long (the eldest is now 7).  It's nothing to do with not trusting other people and all to do with the fact that I would rather be with them (BTW apart from maternity leave I have always worked)

In the same way that you don't want to be critised for choosing to spend time alone/couple time don't see those of us who wouldn't leave their child for a week as wrong either.  To each their own.  Yes I could go away for the weekend and leave the kids with their grandparents but I wouldn't enjoy the weekend because I'd be missing them, a few hours break (apart from work) is enough for me

ladylucky

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2008, 03:53:34 AM »
I dont' have kids yet, but I think it's important for people to have some independence in life.  If the baby only spends time with the parents then he/she won't bond with anyone else and possibly have problems fitting in in preschool and kindergarten.   Childhood is a stressful time for the parents, and parents need time away from their baby.  You hear all sorts of stories about a higher chance for divorce when the baby is young because parents can lose their relationship if everything revolves around the baby.  It's good to get away.  I agree with the above poster about it sometimes seeming more about the mother's than the baby's needs.  It's like some people think, "If I spend every moment with the baby then everyone will think I'm such a wonderful mother." It's a validation thing. 
I'm proud to say my parents never lost who they were when they had my sister and me.  I probably use them as a model because now they're active older adults with plenty going on.  It makes me proud and my mom always said that although she always loved us very much, she was able to be an independent person and have her own interests too.  Hopefully I could be somewhat like that. 

tapperjockey

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2008, 04:03:35 AM »
That is one time that EvilWarbaby, although a man, would have had to say, "You know, opinions are just like certain Biblical beasts of burden; everyone has one.  Why don't you keep yours to yourself?"

That is so far beyond the bounds of civilized behavior, let alone the bounds of etiquette, to make such comments!

But Warbaby, aren't you supposed to share your biblical beasts of burden :D (I assume you mean the first three letters of the word assume :D). http://www.flickr.com/photos/osborn/13985145/  (and here is a cute one).

On topic..  I think it's very judgemental of your 2nd friend. Yes some people want to be with their children all the time, and if someone works outside the home, I can see why they'd prefer to take vacations with their children for the most part.  But that doesn't mean that everybody is like that.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2008, 04:06:39 AM by tapperjockey »

avonlea29

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Re: She mustn't have bonded with the baby
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2008, 07:13:39 PM »
Wow.  I mean, the part that bugs me the most is the people that assume that EVERYONE wants to spend EVERY WAKING MINUTE EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR with their kids.

 there's no point in paying for a vacation for a kid that won't remember and/or won't appreciate it.  And especially on one's HONEYMOON, the point of which is to have alone time with one's new spouse!

When our kids were 18 mos, almost 3 and 5, we left them with their grandparents for 4 nights and went to Disneyland. We got sooo many "your going to DL without your children?" incredulous comments. Ummm, YEAH! A) It was an anniversary trip B) we already cut the umbilical cord and C) My kids were made aware at that time that we will all go when our youngest hits 48"! I'm not paying 5 grand for a trip my kids won't remember and then taking turns riding/staying with baby. We told them we had to go without them to find out how tall they had to be! lol

My kids LOVE our dates and weekends away b/c they go to g-ma and g-pas and play with my much younger sibs.

Side note: I actually left DH with the kids for a weekend retreat when they were 4, 20 mos and 5 mos. I had already stopped nursing #3 and while I wasn't sure I wanted to put that on him, he insisted. He said "you deserve it and you need it. Go." :) He's good. :)

~ Christina