Confirmation of an answer I know...

[RoseRose]

The Situation:

I have a fiance, and he has a twin brother, who happens to be my very best friend in the world after my fiance (my fiance loves that I get along so well with his twin).  This twin brother has a long-distance (cross-country) girlfriend, whom my fiance and I do not like due to some PA actions of hers in the past.  We are both doing the minimal contact to prevent conflict thing.

The REAL problem:

Now, if fiance's twin seemed happy with this girl, I wouldn't have any problem, though I may still voice my concerns about why she isn't good for him (and she isn't, though he is good for her).  The problem is, he seems HORRIBLY unhappy.  He says she makes him happy, but whenever she calls, he looks really upset, and SAYS it bothers him.  If he complains, she throws a hissy fit, and she basically is controlling him through emotional blackmail.

The Solution I'm Betting I'm going to get:

I've already voiced my concerns politely, and he has heard, and done nothing because of them.  I know I have to sit back and watch this girl (she's 20, but she's rather immature in many ways) make him miserable.  He's a great guy, but very bad at standing up for himself, so she is able to walk all over him, and take advantage of his kind heart and caring nature.

I know I can't do anything, but is there anything I can do other than sit back and WATCH?

[madmusician]

Short of doing something horridly PA to her, probably not. Sorry. It's an awful situation. We can all hope he'll come to realize this at some point or another.

[Chivewarrior]

You keep telling him that you only want his happiness and that you support him unequivocally. Eventually (we hope), he will figure out that she's bad for him and will then know that he can count on your support.

[RoseRose]

You keep telling him that you only want his happiness and that you support him unequivocally. Eventually (we hope), he will figure out that she's bad for him and will then know that he can count on your support.

I do tell him that, and he knows it... I think part of it, is his last breakup was VERY bad... he's also lonely and shy.  His girlfriend and I are the only females he ever really talks to at all, so he's scared this is IT.  Which is why he tells himself that she makes him happy 

*sigh*  My problem is, the longer they date, the more I see how unhappy this is making him.

BTW, he's only met her in person once, visiting him while he was at his mother's for Winter Break- and she dictated everything they were to do while she was visiting, he never had a choice.

[Chivewarrior]

In that case, you might solve the problem by inviting him out with you and your fiance to places where it seems likely he will meet other females.

[CalabashCorolla]

You keep telling him that you only want his happiness and that you support him unequivocally. Eventually (we hope), he will figure out that she's bad for him and will then know that he can count on your support.

I do tell him that, and he knows it... I think part of it, is his last breakup was VERY bad... he's also lonely and shy.  His girlfriend and I are the only females he ever really talks to at all, so he's scared this is IT.  Which is why he tells himself that she makes him happy 

*sigh*  My problem is, the longer they date, the more I see how unhappy this is making him.

BTW, he's only met her in person once, visiting him while he was at his mother's for Winter Break- and she dictated everything they were to do while she was visiting, he never had a choice.

If part of his problem is his shy nature, then I agree with the above poster that perhaps you and his brother could invite him along to places where he could potentially meet other people. Not in the official context of dating, of course, but ostensibly just to get out and have fun. Mostly to get him comfortable with the idea of associating with other people. At this point, if he's going to get himself out of the situation he's in, he is going to have to find out for himself how he wants to be treated and how to find someone who will truly make him happy.

[RoseRose]

In that case, you might solve the problem by inviting him out with you and your fiance to places where it seems likely he will meet other females.

Except for the fact my fiance and I never go anywhere.  We're all homebodies, and stay home playing video games.  I also only see my fiance about every other weekend, due to him going to college an hour away, in a town where there is *nothing* to do.  If they were HERE, I could get them to something, but there really isn't anything in their town to begin with.  I'll try to do something during school breaks when we end up in *major city* but, until then, there's really nowhere TO go.  (College town with not too much in the way of college events either, and they're not drinkers... the only form of entertainment where they are.)

[caranfin]

If he's in "I can't break up with her because no one else would ever have me" mode, you might try to bolster his confidence. Let him you know you think he's smart, attractive, funny, whatever. Not to the point of flirting with him, of course.

[Alida]

I know I can't do anything, but is there anything I can do other than sit back and WATCH?

Unfortunately, not much, if anything at all.  He'll have to figure it out for himself.

[ShadesOfGrey]

The Solution I'm Betting I'm going to get:

I've already voiced my concerns politely, and he has heard, and done nothing because of them.  I know I have to sit back and watch this girl (she's 20, but she's rather immature in many ways) make him miserable.  He's a great guy, but very bad at standing up for himself, so she is able to walk all over him, and take advantage of his kind heart and caring nature.

I know I can't do anything, but is there anything I can do other than sit back and WATCH?

How about encouraging him to stand up for himself in other things in life? You are right in that there is nothing you can do about the girlfriend (you've already done everything you can).  But perhaps if he had practice standing up for himself in other areas, he might not be so shy to do it in this area.  It will either (1) improve their relationship and make him happier in it, (2) break them up.  HE has to recognize the situation as bad and be wililng to do something about it, and right now he's not. But if he were to gain a backbone in some things, those feelings will likely transfer to his dealings with his girlfriend too. 

It's not a quick, easy solution, but it is better for him all around. 

[jais]

To keep peace in the family, I don't see that there's anything you can do but wait it out. And trust me, from personal experience, he KNOWS he isn't happy, he's just not ready to be honest with himself yet.  He will resent anyone that points out the truth, so let him come to it on his own.  He will. 

[NOVA Lady]

The Situation:

I have a fiance, and he has a twin brother, who happens to be my very best friend in the world after my fiance (my fiance loves that I get along so well with his twin).  This twin brother has a long-distance (cross-country) girlfriend, whom my fiance and I do not like due to some PA actions of hers in the past.  We are both doing the minimal contact to prevent conflict thing.

The REAL problem:

Now, if fiance's twin seemed happy with this girl, I wouldn't have any problem, though I may still voice my concerns about why she isn't good for him (and she isn't, though he is good for her).  The problem is, he seems HORRIBLY unhappy.  He says she makes him happy, but whenever she calls, he looks really upset, and SAYS it bothers him.  If he complains, she throws a hissy fit, and she basically is controlling him through emotional blackmail.

The Solution I'm Betting I'm going to get:

I've already voiced my concerns politely, and he has heard, and done nothing because of them.  I know I have to sit back and watch this girl (she's 20, but she's rather immature in many ways) make him miserable.  He's a great guy, but very bad at standing up for himself, so she is able to walk all over him, and take advantage of his kind heart and caring nature.

I know I can't do anything, but is there anything I can do other than sit back and WATCH?

Cross you fingers reaaaally realllly hard and hope they don't get married or end up "in the family way".

I have had to go through this with a really slow friend of my SO's. He was dating and in fact living with this horrible girl (and while she was 25 she definetly had the majority level of an 11 year old) I really enjoyed his friendship and me and SO loved hanging out with him...but being around her was like pocking myself in the face repeatedly with a 6 inch blade...painful. But we really couldn't say anything. We hoped and hoped that he would see the light, and eventually she did something so crazy that he did and left her. I think you should send "ditch her" vibes his way.

[Chocolate Cake]

Letting him fully experience her treatment and how it makes him feel could very well be the very best life lesson he can have.   From his experience with her, he'll learn what characteristics in a person he doesn't want in his life.   As he goes along, he'll be able to then filter out other dates with similar personalities before he gives his heart away.  Eventually, he'll be able to recognize a "keeper" when he finds her.

[Slartibartfast]

I'm guessing the only way he'll get out of this is to get a social life of his own, to the point he doesn't need reinforcement from his "girlfriend" that he's worth something.  Can you and your fiance drag his brother out and all join a pottery class, a community choir, or the local contradancing group together?  (If you're never tried contradancing, look it up - it's tons of fun, and you meet lots of people!  And there are almost always large amounts of college-age kids in a college town's group.)  Local conservation society that has cleanup projects?  Become regulars at Habitat for Humanity?

If you can't get him out of the house, get him into World of Warcraft or another MMORPG - he'll get some social interaction that way, and possibly even meet someone through there, all without having to leave his comfort zone.  Maybe Warcraft's ability to destroy romantic relationships would be a good thing, for a change . . .

[RoseRose]

I'm guessing the only way he'll get out of this is to get a social life of his own, to the point he doesn't need reinforcement from his "girlfriend" that he's worth something.  Can you and your fiance drag his brother out and all join a pottery class, a community choir, or the local contradancing group together?  (If you're never tried contradancing, look it up - it's tons of fun, and you meet lots of people!  And there are almost always large amounts of college-age kids in a college town's group.)  Local conservation society that has cleanup projects?  Become regulars at Habitat for Humanity?

If you can't get him out of the house, get him into World of Warcraft or another MMORPG - he'll get some social interaction that way, and possibly even meet someone through there, all without having to leave his comfort zone.  Maybe Warcraft's ability to destroy romantic relationships would be a good thing, for a change . . .

*laughs at the second paragraph*

Slarti, he MET this girl over the internet.  That's his way of interaction.  He actually played a free MMORPG for a while, they aren't really his thing.

We can't do anything regular as a group yet due to us going to different colleges... I'm going to do what I can, but it looks like what I can do is waiting this out.  Just getting him out of the house for ANYTHING is often a pain... he has to be home in case she calls    She gives him NO slack on anything...

I just hope he can see how she treats him sometime soon... I don't want to have her as a SIL.