Another advice columnist misses the point

[Sterling]

http://www.creators.com/lifestylefeatures/annies-mailbox.html

The first letter.  The whole pointis the girl wants a polite way to tell people to mind thier own buisness but before they answer than part they lecture her on the exact thing she is complaing about.  I am fairly certian that the girl gets that college is a great place to meet guys but it doesn't sound like that is her top priority right now.  they do eventually answer her but I think is is rude on thier part to start off by doing what she has expressed her dislike for.  What does everyone else think?

[Sophia]

I agree with you.  Everyone goes about things in different ways.  I have known people to be extremely late bloomers.  I have known people to be completely asexual.  To each her own.  She didn't express any problems with social adjustment, or negative feelings toward men in general, so I don't see why her not dating should be anyones business. 

I think sometimes people cave to this pressure, and end up in really bad relationships. 

[FoxPaws]

This annoyed me when I read it. "Let's answer a letter from a woman who's complaining about people not listening to her by ignoring her question to force our outdated opinion her first."

"Annie" (which is written by two women) is about as bad as "Prudence" when it comes to this.

[Bob Ducca]

Grrrr.  I have heard my sister say a hundred times, "How can I find the right guy if I'm not looking?"  Two divorces later, and she is still saying it.  Sometimes if you're looking too hard in one direction, you can miss what is happening everywhere else.  It sounds like the young woman who wrote the letter is doing just fine, and the advice columnist came off sounding like a bit of a jerk.

For the record, when I met DH I was single and enjoying being single.  I went out with him because I LIKED him, not because I was trying to find "the one."

[IndianInlaw]

She's 21?

And has an enjoyable life?

Yeah, let's complicate it by diving into the dating pool.

[kingsrings]

I've known too many women who have an addiction to men and have encountered numerous problems with that. Then they think I'm crazy for only dating when the opportunity happens to arise. It's just unfathomable to some people that one can be completely happy and content being single.

[pennylane]

I have a dead potted plant in my kitchen that would have given better advice to this girl.

Seriously, if you're supposed to be giving out advice, it would be helpful to get the point of what the reader is saying.  She obviously wasn't writing in asking for dating advice.  Maybe this is the only area they know something about.

Whether you're 21 or 61, it's ridiculous that people have to make you feel like you're not a complete person because you don't have a man.  These oh-so brilliant advice columnists seem convinced she couldn't possbily be happy any other way.  Just like everyone else in her life who is harping on her.

[twinkletoes]

"Whether you're 21 or 61, it's ridiculous that people have to make you feel like you're not a complete person because you don't have a man.  These oh-so brilliant advice columnists seem convinced she couldn't possbily be happy any other way.  Just like everyone else in her life who is harping on her."

Right on, Pennylane.  I think it's terrible that they think they know better than her what she needs.  She's 21, she should be out and enjoying herself!  These "advice" columnists remind me of a dear friend's mother.  When my friend was 23, and single, and enjoying her life just fine, her mother kept nagging her to find a boyfriend, get married, etc.  I feel very, very bad for anyone in a situation like my friend's.

[FoxPaws]

Does anyone else remember that commercial a few years back where the girl is making her video for a dating service, and after talking about how she has a great job, a close family, supportive friends, etc. she finally looks into the camera and says something like, "Now that I think about it, what am I doing here?"

I loved it.     I think it was for Diet Coke.

[Sterling]

Now I will say why this angered me so much.  I married the week I turned 19.  I left my husband one month before my 20th birthday.  I moved to a new state, started college and found a job on campus where I met lots of people male and female my own age.  I did not date.  I went out with large groups of friends and flirted but I did not date.  For over 2 years I did not date.  And all I ever heard from family was I was never going to move on with my life if I didn't try to find a man.  Everyone tried to set me up.  

I was asked what I wanted in a guy and then it was ignored because they said I wanted to much and should just settle.  I was 22!    There was time.  I ended up finding my now BF of over 5 years when I wasn;t looking.  He was one of the guys at work that I went to karoke with on Thursdays with a big group.  This girl is 21, why should she had to find a man right now?  She is in school let her worry about that first.  

[pennylane]

I had to deal with that a lot, too.  At 27, I had just dumped my ex boyfriend (it wasn't soon enough) and was at last busy enjoying myself, spending time with my friends and family, and ecstatic about finally being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and feeling that my life was again my own.  All the time, with co-workers and other nosy people, it went like this:

Nosy person: "Do you have a boyfriend"

Me: "No."

Nosy Person:  "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, too bad!  You need to get out there more and find someone!  Blah, blah, blah....You know, you won't find someone if you're not looking, blah, blah blah...My son's brother in law doesn't have a girlfriend either, and he smokes just like you, so you'll have something in common!  I should set you up......."

Read:  Aw, you poor, damaged, pitiable thing!  Don't you know your life won't have any meaning unless you're able to say you have a boyfriend?

Funny that most of these people complained 24/7 about boyfriends, fiances, and miserable marriages, too.  They thought that instead of having fun on weekends, that maybe I should aspire to having their lives!  I'd have co-workers and such trying to set me up with guys who ended up being the biggest losers and jerks, too.  In their mind, THIS was better than having NO man.

Grrrrrrrrrr.  I could go on forever about this one!

[snowball's chance]

Almost 3 years ago, I moved into a very nice apt all on my own.  I was so excited, but also a little scared about my bigger financial obligations.  I was confiding some of these fears to a co-worker, kind of wistfully mentioning that the days of clothes shopping sprees were definitely over.  Then she said, "You need to find a man to help you with your rent."

BTW, this woman has been divorced since the early 90s, and hasn't even been out to coffee w/ another guy since her divorce.  And she had a daughter a year older than me she had to support again at 24 (not just letting her move back, I mean she bought a new car so daughter could have her own) when daughter  left her husband.

[Hawkwatcher]

Some one should write them and explain that it is no longer the 1950s and explain that many women do not go to college to get an M.R.S. degree.  And how sad is it when the 21-year-old letter writer is more mature than the so-called advice columnists.  They should   be writing her for advice.

When this young woman is ready to find a boyfriend, she will probably have an easier time than many other women her age because she   will know what she wants.  Many guys will probably appreciate the fact that she is not desperate, needy or clingy. 

[kingsrings]

I imagine that a lot of this is cultural in nature, too. In some parts of this country (America), it is considered completely normal and a regular passage of life for one to get married young, and those that don't are looked at as quite the exception.

[Sophia]

I have been thinking about this.  Those that pressure a woman to date, are probably saying about themselves, "I do not think a woman is complete without a man".