Etiquette Rules!?

[ShadesOfGrey]

Hi,

Several threads have made me think of this question - What etiquette rules do you think have changed (or should change)?

For example, we discussed expecting a thank you card for a sympathy card. Someone pointed out that a sympathy card used to be a long letter, and a thank you was appropriate for that.

In another, someone mentioned including return RSVP cards isnt appropriate because the receiver should have their own stationery, or that family members shouldnt throw showers. 

Someone even asked about etiquette and daily life today compared to recent history. 

There have been others, but I'll stop there.

So, What etiquette rules do you think have changed, or which ones should change (and why)?

Just to clarify - I am not asking for discussion about the issues necessarily, but your honest opinions on this question. 


I'll start - I think that the idea that family members shouldnt throw showers is outdated. Family no longer has a vested interest in what the honoree receives, and thus the idea that the family member may be acting out of selfishness or somehow forcing others to contribute doesnt really apply to me. (Though if there is another reason that it is considered wrong, I am willing to start another thread to discuss it!)

[Lisbeth]

There are times when I think the couples rule doesn't work.

For example, when space is tight and you are close enough to someone who is coupled to invite them, but either don't know or really, really can't stand his/her partner because they act like a total jerk, it would be nice to not have to include the partner.  (Note: This is my opinion, so please don't defend the couples rule to me or bring up "social units."  I've always upheld this etiquette rule, but I don't have to like it.)

The idea that all invitations have to be sent in handwritten envelopes because non-written ones look impersonal doesn't always work, especially if the host has bad handwriting.

I also think that sometimes E-mail should be acceptable as a format for thank-you notes.

[Sterling]

That all Thank you and other coorespondance be hand written.  With computer programs creating lovely script type fonts and all the options of pretty paper I perfer to type my missives because my hand writting resembles a four year olds.  I thik as long as the message is personal it should be ok to use a computer to create it.

[NYGirl100]

I might get flamed for this, but I think it should be OK to include registry information on your wedding website as long as it's a discreet link.  The reality in today's world is that not everyone know the members of the wedding party or the bride and groom's parents to be able to just call them up and ask about the registry information, and some people think it's awkward to ask the bride and groom directly or the bride and groom might feel awkward answering these questions.  I still don't think you should include registry information with the invitations. 

Edited to add: I'm also assuming that the wedding website was not put up solely for the registry information.  Most wedding websites I've seen have information on the couple, the wedding party, the ceremony, the reception, directions, maps, etc., so the registry link would just be one of the many links on the website. 

[Twik]

That all Thank you and other coorespondance be hand written.  With computer programs creating lovely script type fonts and all the options of pretty paper I perfer to type my missives because my hand writting resembles a four year olds.  I thik as long as the message is personal it should be ok to use a computer to create it.

Hey, there's an easy solution - have your handwriting scanned in as a font. Then you can do everything on the computer, and it will still look like a normal handwritten scrawl! 

[TZ]

I agree about family hosting showers, as long as the hostess is an aunt or cousin.  I still think that mothers and sisters are too close.

Handwritten envelopes and TYNs are important to me.  I have terrible handwriting, but that's only because I'm lazy.  If I take the time to make things look nice, they will.  If it were absolutely impossible for someone to write legibly, I suppose typing would be better.  Typewritten TYNs would need to be especially personalized to make it clear that the sender isn't just sending out a single letter to all gift givers.

I remain adamantly opposed to providing any unsolicited registry information, regardless of the medium in which that information appears.  If I didn't know a couple well enough to call and ask them where they are registered, I probably would not attend the wedding.  Also, it isn't that difficult to figure out where somebody is registered.  If I don't know where a couple is registered, I just start visiting the websites of the usual suspects: Bed, Bath and Beyond, Crate and Barrel, Williams-Sonoma, etc.  Then I enter the couple's last names to see if they're registered there.  I've never gone to more than three websites before I found a match.  If I ever fail to find a match, I will either call the HC or select a gift on my own.

[MsEva]

I agree with tossing the "only unrelated people may throw showers" since apparently everyone I've known all my life has broken that rule and I never knew it until I read Ehell.

The other rule that I would love to throw out is the one that states you cannot call people on thier rude actions. I really would have loved to been able to tell certain people that you should not invite people to a wedding based on their ability to "cover their plate" with a gift and then bitterly complain when you thought certain people were too cheap. To be able to put someone in their place when they informed me that engagement party gifts were required because if they weren't then the happy couple would not have registered for them. I want dispensation to throw flames where they are deserved 

[Lisbeth]

One other rule I'd like to see go is "only parents can discipline their children who are being rude and causing injury to others."

When someone's snotty little kid is banging into me, I want the right to do what's necessary to *make it stop* if the kid's parents are doing nothing.

[Sophia]

I like to receive return RSVP cards, because I really don't have appropraite stationary handy.  Sometimes I don't even have stamps, and when I do they are too old to be enough. 

I would like there to be registry info on the wedding website, but discreet. 

I would like a code for when people really, really, really don't want gifts.  Something like using blue paper.  Or, I would like it to be OK to say No gifts. 

I would like to make it rude for people to say what they don't mean.  Only offer to do something, if you are really willing to do it.  I am not smart enough to figure out the difference between a genuine and polite offer. 

[MadMadge43]

I like to receive return RSVP cards, because I really don't have appropraite stationary handy.  Sometimes I don't even have stamps, and when I do they are too old to be enough. 

I would like there to be registry info on the wedding website, but discreet. 

I would like a code for when people really, really, really don't want gifts.  Something like using blue paper.  Or, I would like it to be OK to say No gifts. 

Sophia I totally agree with you on this.

I think the whole wedding registry and no gift system needs to be updated and revised. It is completely useless waste of time and completely old fashioned causing way more stress on both parties than it should.

[snowball's chance]

I think you should be able to address something to a married couple using the woman's name first, especially if you are closer to the woman.  I personally do whatever  first name comes first in alphabetical order.

[Slartibartfast]

I feel a lot of the wedding "etiquette" should be revised.  Now, the bride and groom are often older, already living together or have established their own households, are more likely to have blended families with existing kids and/or divorced parents, and their friends and family are more likely to be spread out across the country than people were a hundred years ago.  I keep in touch with college friends in Japan, France, Canada, etc. just as easily as I do the ones living five hours away from me.  And those friends are no longer in an era where they have to be Miss Elaine Smith until they become Mrs. Bob Jones.  Ms. Elaine Smith and her partner Ms. Julia Schultz can become Ms. and Ms. Elaine and Julia Smultz if they want to.  They all have computers and email, and can be in "couples" relationships that aren't restricted to engaged or married.  Things I'd like to see changed:

1)  Formally addressing invitations to "Mr. and Mrs. Bob Jones."  If my one grandmother wants to be Mrs. James Johnson and the other wants to be just Pippin Galadriel Moonchild-Freewomyn, that's fine with me.

2)  Handwritten address labels.  Nobody wants to read my handwriting, especially the post office.

3)  The taboo against family-held showers.  My sister WAS my MOH - I'm not going to drag my other bridesmaids (neither of whom live in my state or see me regularly) into organizing a gift-giving festival for me.  I ended up with a mom-and-grandmother-sponsored shower, at their insistance, that included both female family members and female friends.

4)  Restrictions on what the bride and groom can and cannot do with their wedding ceremony (apart from religious restrictions they implicitly agree to when they invite a priest/rabbi/minister to perform the ceremony).  DH and I chose to have a fairly traditional ceremony in a chapel, but couples shouldn't be bound to a bride's side and a groom's side, the father giving her away, equal numbers of attendants, etc.

5)  Emailed thank-you notes should be okay.  The purpose of the thank-you note is to express appreciation and to let the other person know you got the gift - and you can do that through email just as well as through a handwritten card.  A few people of my acquaintance use thank-you notes to say "Look at me, I know etiquette!" instead of to genuinely thank for a gift, and that grates on me.  Although I freely admit I'm a bit touchy on this subject

6)  I kinda wish the whole gift-giving thing would relax a bit, actually.  I mean, it was nice to receive a number of nice things for our kitchen that DH and I would have never actually bought for ourselves, but we did have a perfectly adequate kitchen already.  Wouldn't it be nice if the custom for weddings was to give a gift certificate for a night out at a local restaurant or a pair of movie tickets, and that was it, instead of gift cards to department stores and fancy china?  I of course appreciate the gifts we received, but I felt bad inviting friends whom I knew would have to shell out $$$ for plane tickets on a limited budget, knowing there's intense pressure to give a $50+ present.

[Felica]

I think a few of the wedding etiquette rules for second marriages are pretty silly. Wearing white for a second marriage. Why is that wrong? White wasn't originally a wedding color to begin with. Having a wedding for a second marriage. Why not? Basically, I think a couple can thow a party any way they want, if they are paying for the party.

This is only my opinion, though. I realize lots of people disagree.

[ginlyn32]

* Relitives not holding a shower for bride or mtb. What is wrong with a grandma wanting to honor her daughter and new grandchild?

* Not putting "no gifts" on invites. Esp. if you REALLY don't want gifts. What usually happens is people bring them anyway and the ones who didn't feel like jerks. (I know that's how I felt when my dh and I went to his grandparents 50th annaversary years ago. Almost everyone brought a gift, but us. I just thought we shouldn't cause we didn't know them very well and they never really communicated with us. They were some of the relitives that we saw like once or twice a year.)

Ginger

[sammycat]

Relatives not holding a shower for bride or mtb. What is wrong with a grandma wanting to honor her daughter and new grandchild?

It's interesting to note the differences in etiquette variances from country to country.  Here in Australia every bridal shower I've been to, or heard about, has been hosted by a family member, as quite honestly, the idea of a non-family member hosting it seems very strange.  Obviously there are cases where a non-family member does host it, but in my experience that is the exception not the norm.

Re baby showers, they have been split evenly between family members hosting them and friends being hosts.  We also have no problem having a baby shower for a 2nd/4th/10th child, as all the ones I have been involved in use it as a celebration to welcome the baby, not as a recognition of the woman becoming a mother (although that is extremely important too).  After all, if a second or third time bride can have a bridal shower each time she gets married how is that different to a woman having a shower for each child?  In my mother and baby group it became a tradition to have a baby shower each time a member became pregnant again.