Etiquette Rules!?

[Bijou]

Hi,

Several threads have made me think of this question - What etiquette rules do you think have changed (or should change)?

For example, we discussed expecting a thank you card for a sympathy card. Someone pointed out that a sympathy card used to be a long letter, and a thank you was appropriate for that.

In another, someone mentioned including return RSVP cards isnt appropriate because the receiver should have their own stationery, or that family members shouldnt throw showers. 

Someone even asked about etiquette and daily life today compared to recent history. 

There have been others, but I'll stop there.

So, What etiquette rules do you think have changed, or which ones should change (and why)?

Just to clarify - I am not asking for discussion about the issues necessarily, but your honest opinions on this question. 


I'll start - I think that the idea that family members shouldnt throw showers is outdated. Family no longer has a vested interest in what the honoree receives, and thus the idea that the family member may be acting out of selfishness or somehow forcing others to contribute doesnt really apply to me. (Though if there is another reason that it is considered wrong, I am willing to start another thread to discuss it!)

I would go with the one of family members not giving showers.  I think it is just fine and never could understand why anyone thought they were making a bid for gifts.  That's one that should have been laughed out of town before it grew roots.

[cass2591]

The other rule that I would love to throw out is the one that states you cannot call people on thier rude actions. I really would have loved to been able to tell certain people that you should not invite people to a wedding based on their ability to "cover their plate" with a gift and then bitterly complain when you thought certain people were too cheap. To be able to put someone in their place when they informed me that engagement party gifts were required because if they weren't then the happy couple would not have registered for them.

Oh, but you can (and we all should) call people on their rude actions, you just can't do it rudely.

[MadMadge43]

Re baby showers, they have been split evenly between family members hosting them and friends being hosts.  We also have no problem having a baby shower for a 2nd/4th/10th child, as all the ones I have been involved in use it as a celebration to welcome the baby, not as a recognition of the woman becoming a mother (although that is extremely important too).  After all, if a second or third time bride can have a bridal shower each time she gets married how is that different to a woman having a shower for each child?  In my mother and baby group it became a tradition to have a baby shower each time a member became pregnant again.

I totally see your point with this. But this second baby showers is one etiquette rule I am forever grateful. One is more than I can handle, a second I'd want to poke my eyes out.

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

The rules of addressing a couple really need to change. Most people have reached a point where they will address a couple however the couple chooses to be addressed. Unfortunately, there are many people who bang on their etiquette book and shout about the proper way. "Mr and Mrs Hisname Lastname" is not always acceptable.

The incorrect assumptions about wedding etiquette need to change, too. There is no part of etiquette that says a ceremony must be *this* and *that.* Many people feel that it is wrong etiquette-wise to deviate.

I had never heard of the shower rule that a family member cannot host until I read on here. It's never been an issue in my area.

-Ulla

[Chivewarrior]

That white after labor day thing. Even Miss Manners says it's a matter of etiquette, but really, this sounds more like a fashionista thing, and an outdated one at that.

[MsEva]

The other rule that I would love to throw out is the one that states you cannot call people on thier rude actions. I really would have loved to been able to tell certain people that you should not invite people to a wedding based on their ability to "cover their plate" with a gift and then bitterly complain when you thought certain people were too cheap. To be able to put someone in their place when they informed me that engagement party gifts were required because if they weren't then the happy couple would not have registered for them.

Oh, but you can (and we all should) call people on their rude actions, you just can't do it rudely.

I'm talking about when nice talk fails and your really need to pull out the clue-by-four and beat someone silly 

[Ko-Ko]

That white after labor day thing. Even Miss Manners says it's a matter of etiquette, but really, this sounds more like a fashionista thing, and an outdated one at that.

I agree with you. What is that rule even for anyway? I've always wondered why you can't wear white after labor day.

Ko-Ko
 

[sparksals]

That white after labor day thing. Even Miss Manners says it's a matter of etiquette, but really, this sounds more like a fashionista thing, and an outdated one at that.

I agree with you. What is that rule even for anyway? I've always wondered why you can't wear white after labor day.

Ko-Ko
 

That is a common rule in my part of Canada and I assume for the rest of the country as a whole.  The reason why white is inappropriate after Labour Day is because of the weather changes.  White is seen as a cool, summer colour that is worn in warm weather.  I'm talking White pants, white shoes.  A white t-shirt or sweater is fine.   Winter white is common during that season.  It is a creamy pale ivory, but not stark white.

In places that are warm year round, white after Labour Day doesn't really apply.  I see alot of people wear white shoes here in AZ in December. 

[magicdomino]

I also vote for scrapping the rule about not being able to specify "no gifts."  I've got everything I need.  If I get married, we will have two of everything we need.  If someone insisted on throwing a shower, it would have to be a reverse shower where people have to take things away instead of bringing them.   

[Sophia]

I also vote for scrapping the rule about not being able to specify "no gifts."  I've got everything I need.  If I get married, we will have two of everything we need.  If someone insisted on throwing a shower, it would have to be a reverse shower where people have to take things away instead of bringing them.   

That is funny!  I could actually use some tupperware. 

Somewhere I read of a 'loaner' wedding shower.  Everyone brings something to loan for the wedding reception.  Cake knives, crystal vases, etc. 

[Sirius]

That white after labor day thing. Even Miss Manners says it's a matter of etiquette, but really, this sounds more like a fashionista thing, and an outdated one at that.

Why would it be a matter of etiquette whether we wear white after Labor Day, or after Valentine's Day, or after National Saxophone Appreciation Day?  I wear white when I choose to wear it (which is rarely, I have to admit), and I don't worry about what day it is. 

[Brentwood]

I might get flamed for this, but I think it should be OK to include registry information on your wedding website as long as it's a discreet link.  The reality in today's world is that not everyone know the members of the wedding party or the bride and groom's parents to be able to just call them up and ask about the registry information, and some people think it's awkward to ask the bride and groom directly or the bride and groom might feel awkward answering these questions.  I still don't think you should include registry information with the invitations. 

Edited to add: I'm also assuming that the wedding website was not put up solely for the registry information.  Most wedding websites I've seen have information on the couple, the wedding party, the ceremony, the reception, directions, maps, etc., so the registry link would just be one of the many links on the website. 

The whole "wedding website" thing is still so new to me that it wouldn't occur to me that most couples would even HAVE one. I have never been to a wedding of someone who did.

[kathrynne]

That white after labor day thing. Even Miss Manners says it's a matter of etiquette, but really, this sounds more like a fashionista thing, and an outdated one at that.

Why would it be a matter of etiquette whether we wear white after Labor Day, or after Valentine's Day, or after National Saxophone Appreciation Day?  I wear white when I choose to wear it (which is rarely, I have to admit), and I don't worry about what day it is. 

No kidding. I'm so clumsy that nothing white stays that way long. It's like a curse. If I start the day wearing white something will spill, and it's never something innocuous like water or Sprite. It'll be coffee, chocolate milk, spaghetti sauce or grape juice. All white clothes are pretty much disposable for me.

[kathrynne]

The whole "wedding website" thing is still so new to me that it wouldn't occur to me that most couples would even HAVE one. I have never been to a wedding of someone who did.

A couple of my cousins had websites for their weddings (note: plural cousins and plural weddings!) but all they ever managed was a page with their names and the date. Nobody ever updated anything.

[Brentwood]

I think you should be able to address something to a married couple using the woman's name first, especially if you are closer to the woman.  I personally do whatever  first name comes first in alphabetical order.

Actually, you do put the woman's name first if titles are not being used.

You would address mail to us thusly:

Cathy and Herbert Frankenhoover