Thank You Cards and Women's Work

[NYGirl100]

Why is it that the women get blamed when thank you cards are not sent?  Men are perfectly capable of writing them, and why should we excuse their behavior just because they're "men?" 

My DH and I split the thank you cards for our wedding, and he was slower than me, but of course people blame me (including MIL).  The same thing just happened to my friend.  She got married this past November.  Her thank you cards are all out, but her husband is still writing them.  Who does people blame?  The bride.  One of her DH's cousins even called her and asked her where the thank you cards were, and when she said that DH was still writing them, the cousin said that it was HER job to make sure they go out. 

Another friend just had a baby, it was a complicated delivery, and she had problems.  So her DH took over the thank-you cards duty while she's recuperating.  Her MIL was aghast that he was writing them and told him that it was the mom's job, despite the fact that the mom was still ill. 

[twinkletoes]

Oooh, this burns me up to no end!  While I wrote our thank you notes, I did so because it would have taken my husband *months and months* to write them.  He struggles to write much more than "thanks for the gift, we liked it a lot."  I did it so they could be done and look nice and people would have them before our 10th anniversary.

But it kills me that people think it's 'women's work.'  That's really too bad, especially in a case like your friend's.  And you know, I found it admirable that while his wife and child were recuperating, your friend's husband thought "I can take my mind off things and get these tynotes in the mail." 

[Shoo]

Who are these crazy MIL's?  Why are they so backward?

[Lisbeth]

These MILs would expect the wives to write them even when they're dead and the thank-you notes are from their husbands for condolences.

[BurninDinner]

I love that he wrote the thank you notes!  I hope my dh would do the same.  As for the other people, well, they'll learn eventually.  If not, they can be all pissy by themselves.

[megswsu]

I think the women get blamed because, let's face it, how many of the gifts on the registry do the men pick out? (And I know I'm generalizing, so please don't come down on me too hard). I know my DH could have cared LESS what we registered for. I practically had to drag him to the store to even show him.    Additionally, I think women are just more on top of getting TY's done than most men are. I did all of ours mainly b/c I'm anal to begin with about TYs and I knew hubby would never do it, and I too like to say a bit more than "thanks for the ____".

All that being said, it's still not okay to blame the wife. I think it's one of those things that will fade out over time as an archaic view of who does what in the marriage.

[Buffy2424]

I don't know, man.  I've seen a lot of threads where people are wondering what's up with their relative or friend's evil-seeming wife, though, because their guy didn't pony up a better gift, thank-you note, etc. 

We had an intimate little immediate-family wedding and as I've said here before, some relatives of my husband's were angry that it wasn't a bigger event with a hall, buffet and children.  They sent an angry letter to my husband asking him why he was "letting" me and my mother (?) do this to his wedding.  Hmm.  Note that these people had scarcely even met me, much less my family.  After reading that, and hearing what my MIL had to say about them?  I'm really glad I don't know them!

[pennylane]

Ugh.  I hate this.  Womens work, my bottom.

And the reason why it's still considered "womens work" is because clods like the cousin & MIL keep saying things like that which "excuse" men from such duties and don't do a thing to encourage them to help.

As far as I'm concerned, my fiance and I will split the TY notes- I'll take care of my side of the family and he'll take care of his.  Luckily, all of his relatives (after 6 years) now know my various opinions on how it's BS to think only women write TY notes, cook, plan weddings, do housework, etc.  so they'll only have him to blame if they don't go out!  :-)

[Olivia]

Good post!   I agree that this is a very outdated attitude.  FWIW, we split doing thank you notes. 

[Kain456]

Well, being a guy, I was never exactly trained to write thank you notes. I was more told to say thank you in person, as it's much more formal that way. That's what my dad said, anyway.

However, my mother corrected me on that. I know that it's proper to write someone, regardless if you thank them in person. That's more the polite thing to do.

I don't see why someone could say that it's "women's work." I thought that wasn't really said anymore. o_o; It's just the polite thing to do...

So when it comes time for me and Rose to write thank you cards, rest assured, she won't be the only one doing it.

[RoseRose]

Well, being a guy, I was never exactly trained to write thank you notes. I was more told to say thank you in person, as it's much more formal that way. That's what my dad said, anyway.

However, my mother corrected me on that. I know that it's proper to write someone, regardless if you thank them in person. That's more the polite thing to do.

I don't see why someone could say that it's "women's work." I thought that wasn't really said anymore. o_o; It's just the polite thing to do...

So when it comes time for me and Rose to write thank you cards, rest assured, she won't be the only one doing it.

See why he's a keeper?   

[housewife2k]

After OldestSon was born, MIL came to visit in the hospital. It was one of the rare quiet moments, so I pulled my little table over, and got ready to start righting some cards out, if for no other reason, to have something to keep me awake while waiting for lunch. MIL reached over, took the pen from my hand, and informed Hubby that it was HIS JOB to write out TY notes to the people who visited the hospital, and sent gifts in the first two months. She made sure to remind him of this after each of the other two were born.
MIL and I might have some issues, but she sure as heck raised her boys right!

[Bijou]

Why is it that the women get blamed when thank you cards are not sent?  Men are perfectly capable of writing them, and why should we excuse their behavior just because they're "men?" 

My DH and I split the thank you cards for our wedding, and he was slower than me, but of course people blame me (including MIL).  The same thing just happened to my friend.  She got married this past November.  Her thank you cards are all out, but her husband is still writing them.  Who does people blame?  The bride.  One of her DH's cousins even called her and asked her where the thank you cards were, and when she said that DH was still writing them, the cousin said that it was HER job to make sure they go out. 

Another friend just had a baby, it was a complicated delivery, and she had problems.  So her DH took over the thank-you cards duty while she's recuperating.  Her MIL was aghast that he was writing them and told him that it was the mom's job, despite the fact that the mom was still ill. 

OUCH!  That hit my Woman Nerve!  It seems women are born with a big sign on their back, front and forehead that says, "Blame me!" 
If the house is a mess, blame me!
If we run out of milk, bread or toilet paper, blame me!
If anyone's unders are tattle tale gray, blame me!
If the kids are brats, blame me!
If no one gets to their dental or medical appointments or anywhere else on time, blame me!
If anyone's special day is forgotten, blame me!
If there are meddling in-laws, blame the MIL or the SIL. 

Luckily, the second time around I married someone who doesn't expect me to do any of the above...he even does his own laundry (YAY).  But that doesn't stop other people from thinking whatever.   I remember one time his mom made a "casual" comment about washing woodwork (Was that a hint?), intimating that you can keep a man happy if you do xyz.  So I added it to his to-do list so he could be happy.  (well, I should have, anyway.) Heck, I was working 40 hours a week and more, and had kids to take care of, to boot!  (See?  There I go blaming my MIL!)
Whew!  I didn't know I was so pent up!

[ZipTheWonder]

These mothers-in-law (etc.) expect their son's wives to be the sole flunky in charge of writing thank you notes.  Yet, somehow, I suspect none of them are asking their sons why they are not 'into' the kind of husbanding which requires them to be the sole flunky in charge of bringing home all the bacon and feeding bon-bons to the little Mrs.

[Athos_000]

I hate this attitude!.. I made DH write the TYs for his side of the family (that left him with less than 10 to do, I wrote the other 100+). Only after I explained to him that people would think ill of ME if they weren't sent out soon did he get on it. I don't think he believed me that people would blame me... but he did it anyway lol.