DD vs. SDD What's a parent to do?

[Shoo]

My SDD is almost 14.  I've been with her dad (my dh) since she was 3 years old.  Our relationship is good, and her mom and stepdad and me and my dh all get along well together.  No problems there.

SDD stays with us every other weekend.  In our house, she has her own bedroom.  It is furnished nicely, and she's got her own TV and computer in there.  We let her choose the wall paint, and are currently looking for some prints to have framed for the walls (she's picking them out).

The problem we are having, and have had in the past year, has to do with wanting to buy things for our other dd, and SDD getting in a snit over it.  Our almost 7 y.o. has a very small bedroom, so we've been looking for ways to maximize space in there.  We bought a laptop computer for her to use because she has a very small desk that I picked up off of Craigslist for $45.  SDD has all new bedroom furniture, which I selected for her because it was pretty and we wanted her to have something nice for when she stays with us.  Her desk is much bigger than dd's.  It seemed natural that SDD would keep the desktop computer, since her desk is bigger, and dd would get the notebook.  Just being practical.  Honestly, dd could care less about such things at this point. She only cares that it works.

SDD thought this was horribly unfair.  She even suggested we needed to get her a notebook computer as well.  Dh almost caved, but I talked him out of it.  How silly that would have been because we have a perfectly good computer in her room for her exclusive use.  Why would we buy a brand new notebook computer only to have it sitting in a room that's unused 80% of the time?  He quickly agreed and we held our ground on that.

Now I want to buy my dd a flat panel LCD TV.  There is just no room in there for a large TV, and she really enjoys being able to watch her movies and kid shows in her own room.  We are okay with this, and it actually lessens the arguing because we only have one other TV that she could watch, so there's no arguing or annoying kid shows in the background downstairs.

SDD has a very nice TV in her room.  It's not a flat panel LCD, but it was rather expensive when we first bought it.  Unfortunately, it is large and takes up the top of her dresser completely.  But hey, it works great and it's a big screen, and it's hers exclusively.  But.....you can guess what came next.  It's not fair for dd to get an LCD tv.  She thinks she should have one too. 

I can understand being 14 and wanting all these cool things, but her room doesn't have the space constraints the other's does, and she's just not here enough for us to justify this kind of expense.  She basically has two of everything, one set at her mom's house and one at ours.  But she wants better stuff, and I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to explain our rationale to her in a way that she will understand and accept.

So we haven't bought the tv for dd's room.  I feel torn because I don't want to look like I'm favoring dd over sdd at all, but I also feel like I'm being held hostage by this.  Part of me feels like I should be able to buy my dd anything I darn well want to.  If it made sense and we could justify the expense, I'd run down to the store and buy sdd all new everything so there could be no complaints or comparisons, but it doesn't, and we can't.

Any advice for me?

[kckgirl]

Is there any reason why SDD can't move into the smaller room since she's only there 4 days a month? Because she'd be in the smaller room, she'd need the smaller computer and smaller television. Since DD is there all the time, that might be a better situation for her, too, since she's getting older.

But I also agree with you. You can buy anything you want and her duplicates at your house are just that, duplicates. If she won't listen to reason, and also doesn't want to change bedrooms, I'd just turn a deaf ear to the complaining.

[Jaywalker]

when we had a foster child, we had some of these issues -- we would do the 'sensible thing' but she was looking for signs of inequality with our own kids -- so the symbolism was more important than the practice of common sense

but what I don't get is why you would put the child who lives there all the time in a tiny room and give someone who is only there occasionally the larger room

use this as an occasion to make the needed switch --  put your DD into the larger room and then get SDD the flat screen and laptop -- your daughter is only 7 but how is she going to feel she is older and jammed into this tiny space while a larger room sits empty most of the time?

[Bijou]

My SDD is almost 14.  I've been with her dad (my dh) since she was 3 years old.  Our relationship is good, and her mom and stepdad and me and my dh all get along well together.  No problems there.

SDD stays with us every other weekend.  In our house, she has her own bedroom.  It is furnished nicely, and she's got her own TV and computer in there.  We let her choose the wall paint, and are currently looking for some prints to have framed for the walls (she's picking them out).

The problem we are having, and have had in the past year, has to do with wanting to buy things for our other dd, and SDD getting in a snit over it.  Our almost 7 y.o. has a very small bedroom, so we've been looking for ways to maximize space in there.  We bought a laptop computer for her to use because she has a very small desk that I picked up off of Craigslist for $45.  SDD has all new bedroom furniture, which I selected for her because it was pretty and we wanted her to have something nice for when she stays with us.  Her desk is much bigger than dd's.  It seemed natural that SDD would keep the desktop computer, since her desk is bigger, and dd would get the notebook.  Just being practical.  Honestly, dd could care less about such things at this point. She only cares that it works.

SDD thought this was horribly unfair.  She even suggested we needed to get her a notebook computer as well.  Dh almost caved, but I talked him out of it.  How silly that would have been because we have a perfectly good computer in her room for her exclusive use.  Why would we buy a brand new notebook computer only to have it sitting in a room that's unused 80% of the time?  He quickly agreed and we held our ground on that.

Now I want to buy my dd a flat panel LCD TV.  There is just no room in there for a large TV, and she really enjoys being able to watch her movies and kid shows in her own room.  We are okay with this, and it actually lessens the arguing because we only have one other TV that she could watch, so there's no arguing or annoying kid shows in the background downstairs.

SDD has a very nice TV in her room.  It's not a flat panel LCD, but it was rather expensive when we first bought it.  Unfortunately, it is large and takes up the top of her dresser completely.  But hey, it works great and it's a big screen, and it's hers exclusively.  But.....you can guess what came next.  It's not fair for dd to get an LCD tv.  She thinks she should have one too. 

I can understand being 14 and wanting all these cool things, but her room doesn't have the space constraints the other's does, and she's just not here enough for us to justify this kind of expense.  She basically has two of everything, one set at her mom's house and one at ours.  But she wants better stuff, and I'm at my wits end trying to figure out how to explain our rationale to her in a way that she will understand and accept.

So we haven't bought the tv for dd's room.  I feel torn because I don't want to look like I'm favoring dd over sdd at all, but I also feel like I'm being held hostage by this.  Part of me feels like I should be able to buy my dd anything I darn well want to.  If it made sense and we could justify the expense, I'd run down to the store and buy sdd all new everything so there could be no complaints or comparisons, but it doesn't, and we can't.

Any advice for me?

Do people really provide each child in the family with their own computer, TV and cell phone?  Well, they would hate me, I guess, because I wouldn't.  But as for your question, I can understand your 14 y o feeling that her stuff is "inferior" (translates to 'less desireable' for kids).  She may also feel that her TV and computer just sort of landed in her room.  Is there some way other than getting her a notebook laptop and a new tv that you can make her feel that she is equal in the household?  That's the direction I would go.  I sure wouldn't have them switch rooms and equipment, because you would be accomodating her wish for more modern stuff and your 7 y o would end up with the same problem the 14 y o now feels she has.  Oh, am I glad my kids are grown...how on earth would I pay for six computers and television sets and cell phones (and where would I put them, since they all shared a room!) 

[Shoo]

but what I don't get is why you would put the child who lives there all the time in a tiny room and give someone who is only there occasionally the larger room

The rooms are actually the same size.  But dd has lots of toys and stuffed animals and a bookcase that's full of books that sdd doesn't have, so her room is much more crowded.  Sdd's room is not cluttered with "kid stuff" like dd's.  Sdd's "toys" are of the electronic variety, and they don't take up much room.

[VorFemme]

Any advice for me?

Tell her that SHE can have the smaller bedroom and the space-saving items that were bought to fit in there - but she can't complain about having a small room, used furniture, and that the baby sister has a bigger room, all new furniture, etc.

And that she will have to help repaint both rooms to NEW color schemes.  That the rooms will be switched ONCE - if she changes her mind and wants the larger bedroom for a slumber party in six months - it isn't going to happen.

But only say that if you can mean it and make it stick - with her dad's, mother's, step-father's, and any other relations cooperation - otherwise SOMEONE could decide that you are picking on the stepdaughter and favoring the younger daughter.  And if it is a grandparent, aunt, or uncle - they might could raise a ruckus over it.

I grew up in three bedroom houses as one of four kids - I do not remember EVER having a room to myself - so I am not real sympathetic to anyone wining about THEIR bedroom when it is the larger one with new furniture...........

Oh - wait - turns out the rooms are the same size, just the contents of the younger girl's room take up more of the available space................

I can see where a bookcase full of books, toys, and such would take up a lot of space.

Perhaps some shelving around the perimeter of the room (about 18" down from the ceiling) would reduce the floor space taken up by seldom used toys that are too sentimental to get rid of?  Growing up, we moved every three years or so - so our stuff got PURGED on a regular basis.  If you two have been in the same house for eleven or so years, it might be possible that there are things in DD's room that she has outgrown or will outgrow soon.

[Shoo]

Do people really provide each child in the family with their own computer, TV and cell phone?  Well, they would hate me, I guess, because I wouldn't. 

I don't know if people in general do.  A lot of people we know seem to get their kids their own computers (they're so cheap nowadays).  We're kind of a techie family.  Dh is an aero engineer, and he's a computer afficionado.  You should see his office/media room.  If Sony makes it, chances are dh has it.

It's one of those things that we value.  Computers and electronics are always high on our list of "must haves" so getting the kids set up just seemed normal to us.

[Bijou]

Do people really provide each child in the family with their own computer, TV and cell phone?  Well, they would hate me, I guess, because I wouldn't. 

I don't know if people in general do.  A lot of people we know seem to get their kids their own computers (they're so cheap nowadays).  We're kind of a techie family.  Dh is an aero engineer, and he's a computer afficionado.  You should see his office/media room.  If Sony makes it, chances are dh has it.

It's one of those things that we value.  Computers and electronics are always high on our list of "must haves" so getting the kids set up just seemed normal to us.

Ah.  You've given me a new way of looking at why someone would provide each kid with their own electronic things.    It makes sense that a techie family would have that focus, just as sports minded families or musical familes have a different focus and provide those items for the kids (my son's family is deeply involved in sports and on the go constantly with three kids involved in everything from cheerleading to wrestling to football). 
We did get our daughter a horse and thankfully she was the only one who cared about horses.  Whew!

[Pixie]

If I were the 7 year old I'd start whining because I only have one room, in one house and only one set of parents where her sister has 2 of everything....   "Its not fair!" 

The point I'm trying to ,make is that being one of 10 girls in a family and having 2 daughters of my own... someone is always going to be throwing a fit (and 14 is the perfect age for this) about something.  At 14, girls are all about how unfair life is.... no matter how good they do have it.  I believe the SDD has found your buttons and has learned how to push them.   Its normal, think of this as training for when DD is 14!

In the meanwhile, follow your heart and do what you think is best for both girls.  Since you do have a good relationship with Mom#1, I'd ask her for advice.   After all you BOTH want what's best for SDD.


Best of luck! 

[J.D.]

If all else fails and it's down to a last resort, you could try what my parents did if we complained about anything we had - they would take it away.  As a hypothetical example, if my brother or I had complained that our car wasn't as nice as the one's our friends drove - "Ok then, if you're going to act like a brat, you don't have to drive it. Find another way to get around", followed by the parents pulling us off their insurance. I know that probably sounds cruel, and as I said, it is a last resort.  But boy does it work!     

And, if there was something we really wanted that was a luxury - a t.v, our own phone, a stereo, a computer - we had to pay for it ourselves.  For example, my brother wanted his own t.v. - very similar to how the SDD described in the first post would like a notebook computer - and he was around the same age; almost 14.  My parents told him that if it was something he really wanted, there were lots of things he could do to earn the money and pay for it himself.  He learned how to make a resume and job hunt and he saved up the money. Maybe this would be a good way to teach her the value of earning her own money, saving, keeping a bank book, etc.  I know it helped my brother and I to really appreciate what we had because we had to work for it, and knew exactly how expensive things were.  I think this is a really good opportunity for you and your husband to turn the situation into a positive learning experience for your SDD.  Good luck! ^_^

[caranfin]

I think, considering SDD's age and situation, she's going to find some reason to be in a snit no matter what you do. For the next 4 or 5 years. 

I'd explain (as I'm sure you already have) that you have to buy compact items for DD's room because she doesn't have as much space. However, if her existing TV takes up her entire dresser, it's hard to say she's not in the same situation. And then I'd make a big deal about shopping for prints, and whatever else is needed to finish SDD's room (I hear chandeliers are the big thing) to remind her that's she not Cinderella.

[megswsu]

I like what Adwin_ca said. Either take the item away or make her work for what she wants. She's 14, she's old enough to babysit, do stuff around the house, etc. And as someone who was raised in two houses, she needs to appreciate what she has, especially if all of her parents get along. That's huge, not all kids in her situation have that. Basically she needs to learn to appreciate what she has and not compare what she has to her younger sister. She's 14 and old enough to listen to reason.

[ShadesOfGrey]

but what I don't get is why you would put the child who lives there all the time in a tiny room and give someone who is only there occasionally the larger room

The rooms are actually the same size.  But dd has lots of toys and stuffed animals and a bookcase that's full of books that sdd doesn't have, so her room is much more crowded.  Sdd's room is not cluttered with "kid stuff" like dd's.  Sdd's "toys" are of the electronic variety, and they don't take up much room.

Shoo,

What if SDD's room was also filled with other items, making her available space smaller? Would you buy her an LCD flat panel then (if she didnt already have a tv, of course)?  This one is kind of familiar territory, as I have a stepsister who also has a younger 'sister' and my mom (you) encounters this issue.  Sometimes, she refrains from certain purchases for appearances, sometimes, she doesnt.    I cant offer what-to-do advice, but here are some things she and I have concluded:

-14 yo's will always find something to complain about that's 'unfair'
-your daughter's room is smaller by choice (she has other toys in the room), so theoretically, she could have a less expensive, larger tv similar to you sdd's
-I do agree that whether it is 'fair' or not, the appearance of fair is sometimes more important - especially to a 14 yo with sensitive feelings (but only for the sake of actual feeling of being loved less, not entitled 14 yo feelings)

you basically have to decide if your sdd will be complaining because she is a typical 14 yo girl, or if her feelings will really be hurt by this action (could she see it as you expressing love for your dd that you and dh dont get to express as often for her because she isnt around as much). 

that answer will determine whether you should buy the tv for your dd. 

good luck.

[aline]

I agree with Jaywalker (on why she might be acting that way) and Adwin (on what you might try to do about it). It sounds to me like she's trying to figure out how she fits in with both families, and at 14, maybe she's having trouble expressing that in the best way.

I grew up with a stepmom (who is wonderful and with who I've always gotten along with famously), but it can be confusing when you're young to really understand where you are in life. Maybe you can also remind her that your daughter only gets one set of things, while she is extra blessed to have two sets of parents to provide nice rooms for her.

[Shoo]

Thanks, everyone, but the advice.  Dh and I talked about this pretty much all day yesterday, and we decided (I think) that we are going to buy two lower end TV's that are exactly the same and put one in each of the girls' rooms.  The TV's we've selected to buy are fine for what we need.  We can get two of them for the price of one higher end one.

This will actually solve three problems.  One, we won't have to worry about SDD feeling slighted.  Two, we will free up space in both rooms and they will look much nicer with the TV's mounted on the wall instead of sitting on top of their dressers.  Three, it will enable us to get rid of the tube TV's.  We've been wanting to get rid of all the CRT's for a while now because the new flat panel TV's and monitors are just so much nicer looking and easy to move around.