I Think I Scared My Son

[Clara Bow]

I was trying to explain to my four year old this moring about who's allowed to see him naked (after he flashed me his winky, I was trying to explain that that was not cool). I told him that it was okay for Mommy and Daddy and his grandparents but only when he's bathing or we're helping him dress or clean up in the bathroom. And I told him the doctor could see him when he was taking care of him.
Of course he asked why and I told him that not everyone was nice to little boys and that it wasn't nice to show your body to people. I said that it's okay for a person who is taking care of him, like Mommy and Daddy, but no one else. His little eyes filled with tears and he said "But I like for people to take care of me and be nice."
Great job Auntie, now he's traumatized...can someone please help me tell my son about good touch and bad touch?? I don't want to terrify the kid, but he needs to know. He knows about strangers and he knows about the police and firemen but it's time to talk about his body (he's a fledgling nudist and he's really gotten too old for that) and I have no idea what to say to not scare him but still get the point across.
We've been working on what his private parts are and what private means, we're trying to get him to knock before crashing into the bathroom on us and shutting the door when he uses the bathroom. I've told him that he should never keep a secret from Mommy and Daddy and that some people aren't nice, but that's as far as I can get without worrying that I'm going to scare him....

[goblue2539]

I've got more sympathy than anything else.  I'm learning parenting-by-proxy, with siblings 18 and 20 years younger than me, respectively.  Mostly, we've told them about being private and careful.  And that when someone tells them to keep a secret from the whole family it's usually a secret they need to tell. 

The only thing I could think of when you said your son was sad about people not being nice to him is that it might be better to emphasize who is nice rather than who isn't.  Once you can remind him that mommy, daddy, grandma, grandpa, anyone else you trust, the doctor, the teacher etc are nice to him and take care of him, he probably won't be so sad about the people he doesn't know.  Does that help at all? 

[caranfin]

Actually, it's much more important to emphasize that certain *actions* are nice (and not nice) rather than single out specific people. If you tell him teachers are nice, that means all teachers are nice, and anything they do must be nice. Same for babysitters, uncles, etc. Most children are molested by someone they know.

[Tabris]

We tell our kids that certain body parts are private and that no one should touch them other than Mommy, Daddy and the doctor (if Mommy says it's okay) in order to help take care of them.

I've had to say that if someone did touch them or look at them or ask my kids to talk about them, my children are to tell me immediately. I've had the doctor back me up on this. I've said that my brother, the cop, would protect me so they have to tell me even if someone said they'd hurt me if our kids ever told on them.

It's weird, but now that I think of it, my kids never asked me WHY no one else should ever touch/look at/talk about those parts. They just accepted it the way they accepted "we don't write on the walls" and "no stinky feet on the ceiling."

[Clara Bow]

Thank you all for the help. I hate that we even have to have these talks with our children, I hate that the world is a dangerous place...ah well.
I don't want to make him fearful but I do want to make him careful. Keep the thoughts coming, I will use all your advice!

[Slartibartfast]

go to your library and ask a librarian for suggestions - I guarantee you a library of any size will have at least one book that's designed to help young children understand that while most adults are nice people, kids need to know what is and is not appropriate.  I'm afraid I can't think of any off the top of my head right now, sorry

[Evalieutions]

One of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with as a parent, was my son being molested by his six year old best friend.  We are careful to talk to our children about grown ups, I wish I had done as others have suggested, and talked more about actions and words.

[Cupcake Fiend]

I second the book suggestion.  There are some books out there that deal very well with this issue. 

[Squishygirl]

We're kind of free and easy about nakedness round at my house. Obviously we never walk round naked if there's anyone other than immediate family in the house, (just Mr Squishy, me and the three kids) but we've always tried to stress that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of at all. At the same time, we've made sure all three children have understood that no one is allowed to touch them in a way they are unhappy with and if they are at all bothered about it, they are to come and tell Mr Squishy and I immediately.

I don't think there's any perfect way to keep children safe - my mother was very loving and kind and yet I was still abused and afraid to tell her because I felt dirty. I'm hoping that in being very open with the children about them being able to tell me anything and not be judged that they won't be afraid the way I was.

I hope that the OP realizes that she's doing the right thing for her family and agree that it's the acts and behavior that she needs to teach her DS about and not specific people. The world is a good place and most of the people in it are decent - sometimes I think we worry too much about the bad ones that we forget that.

[goblue2539]

I hope that the OP realizes that she's doing the right thing for her family and agree that it's the acts and behavior that she needs to teach her DS about and not specific people. The world is a good place and most of the people in it are decent - sometimes I think we worry too much about the bad ones that we forget that.

I have learned my lesson about posting just before I leave work for the day.  Of course actions are more important than people.  I should have thought of that.  But, I'll definitely remember if/when I have my own kids to teach.

What I was trying to get across is what Squishy said in the last sentence.  There are so many good people in the world.  We, as parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, cousins, and friends, want kids around us to know that even while we're all trying to teach them to be careful.  I don't envy you the work it takes, but I'm glad you're all trying.  Gives me hope for that if/when.

[Bijou]

I was trying to explain to my four year old this moring about who's allowed to see him naked (after he flashed me his winky, I was trying to explain that that was not cool). I told him that it was okay for Mommy and Daddy and his grandparents but only when he's bathing or we're helping him dress or clean up in the bathroom. And I told him the doctor could see him when he was taking care of him.
Of course he asked why and I told him that not everyone was nice to little boys and that it wasn't nice to show your body to people. I said that it's okay for a person who is taking care of him, like Mommy and Daddy, but no one else. His little eyes filled with tears and he said "But I like for people to take care of me and be nice."
Great job Auntie, now he's traumatized...can someone please help me tell my son about good touch and bad touch?? I don't want to terrify the kid, but he needs to know. He knows about strangers and he knows about the police and firemen but it's time to talk about his body (he's a fledgling nudist and he's really gotten too old for that) and I have no idea what to say to not scare him but still get the point across.
We've been working on what his private parts are and what private means, we're trying to get him to knock before crashing into the bathroom on us and shutting the door when he uses the bathroom. I've told him that he should never keep a secret from Mommy and Daddy and that some people aren't nice, but that's as far as I can get without worrying that I'm going to scare him....

Others have already said this and I must add my voice...talk to him about inappropriate touching, actions, requests and the like, and please do not make him feel that these rules don't apply to certain people.  You never know.  You just never know.  Look at what happened with the trust placed in religious leaders, and with that teacher someone talked about, and it is true that many children are molested by someone they know and probably trust.  And the "you can tell us anything, and must tell us of any such incident" is absolutely essential, in my opinion.