A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

Not sure what to do.

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madmusician:
I don't really know what to do.

The background: I go to community college now and I am leaving for university in the fall. I live at home with my mom and stepdad. Long story short, she married him for his money and their relationship is exceedingly volatile. In the 3 years they've been married, she left him two or three times, and I got dragged with her, here and there and everywhere.

Recently he retired, and they are getting along quite badly. I can tell how truly unhappy she is. But I know that she will probably not leave him again until after I leave. She knows I have some deep security issues and it will really screw me up if she leaves him again. So I think that she's just waiting till I leave, so she can leave him.

Lately I've been feeling a sense of...I don't know...responsibility perhaps. Like I should move out so she can leave him and be happy.

(I am not going to suggest or encourage us leaving, because if she leaves him I cannot allow myself to be dragged into her mess again. It really screws me up. If she leaves him I will find living arrangements elsewhere.

So my question is this. Should I go to my dad and offer to go in on an apartment with him? He's living with his older daughter now and I can tell he's miserable there, but he can't afford an apartment on his own. Should I get out of the house and the situation so she has the opportunity to leave him if she wants?

It's so confusing.

megswsu:
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My advice: don't do anything "for" your mother. You can't solve her problems, only she can. And it's not your responsibility to do so. So if you do move out, make sure it's for the right reasons. And from how you describe your situation, it might be better if you do move out for your own mental health. Is moving in with your dad the only option? You say he can't live in an apartment on his own, but what about when you leave for school in the fall? What will he do then? You don't want to be trapped again, though I understand wanting to help your dad out.

Again, I would strongly encourage you to find a place on your own, or find someone who needs a roommate until you go to school. Start trying to concentrate on yourself as it sounds like your mom's behavior has affected you a lot. I wish you luck!  :-\

KrisB:
I was you, not too long ago. 
It took me a long time, but what I finally realized was, we didn't make those choices for our mothers, they made them for themrselves.  They would have done the same with or without us.  ( She will most likely stay after you are gone).
You need to do what's best for you.  A parent's job is to prepare them for the world, not prepare their children to take care of them.   

Hope this helps.

Tabris:
Is your mother subtly pressuring you to move out so she can leave too?

Your mother was presumably an adult when she married this individual, and if she's staying with him now, she's doing so for her own reasons, not necessarily for you. She could manage if she left him. Maybe not the same lifestyle, but she'd figure out something. So would you. Right now she's trading happiness for security. That is not your responsibility.

When I was first married, my MIL griped for an hour about her heinous job. I asked her why she stayed in that job which was beneath her skill level, paid dirt wages, and where the other employees and the manager treated her as if she was a lesser species of human being and routinely scrwed her on benefits and salary and hours. And she replied with many reasons, but the paramount one was, "I have to be home for Christopher."

Christopher was, at that time, twelve years old and could have fended for himself for three hours after school if necessary. He was also right there in the room when she said this.

Four years later, Christopher committed suicide. We don't know why. But in part, I know he felt tremendously responsible for his mother's feelings about a lot of things, and when she griped about being stuck in a job she hated, he must have taken that to heart too. (For the record, neither of his parents ever took responsibility for their own feelings--they were complete blamers and I'm sure he felt their unhappiness with one another was his fault too. My husband certainly felt the same thing, and he was older.)

It has been six years since Christopher committed suicide, and guess what?

Yep. She's still in that same cr@ppy job, still getting messed over in the same ways, still being treated like dirt. She wasn't staying in that job for him.

Your mom isn't staying in the marriage for you.

Do not make any life-changing decisions in order to protect your mother from her own feelings. Let her deal with them.

pryncsskittyn:
madmusician
I feel so badly you are blaming yourself for all this!
Your mother is an adult, and unless you address this now, it might be a life long burden on your heart and insecurities!  Don't ever blame yourself for the choices someone else has made.

In light of looking for an apartment...
Do you and your Dad get along well?  Are you close?  Can he change jobs?  Looking into all this, maybe he would move to the University with you?  Get an off campus apartment?  My theory is don't move your Dad into an apartment with you if you plan on leaving him high and dry in the fall with something he can't afford unless he can make arrangements to have someone else move into your room to take over half the bills.
If all this just isn't a great idea, then you might just have to tough it out, I know it will be really hard, it sounds like the household you live in now is extremely uncomfortable for you and your already suffering from emotional issues with it.  My suggestion is to review all of your options and try really hard to get out.  Home is a place where you are supposed to feel secure and sane, not a place where you feel unwanted or a burden.  I left home at 14 years old because I never felt "good enough" for anyone in my family.  I had a lot of emotional issues and went through counselor after counselor trying to resolve this before finally just leaving and living my own life... it was hard to get past years of issues, but I now have a much better self-esteem and a much closer relationship with those family members than I feel I would have if I'd stayed.

Big hugs for you right now, it's a really hard time, especially with classes in session.  Just remember when you DO get out, it was never your fault that your mother stayed, as it isn't now, she makes her own decisions and she is an adult.  Letting you feel to blame for this is her own insecurity and irresponsibility as a parent.

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