Only three more months, but I might not survive!(long)

[Reddie321]

Background:  I’m 19, working full time, and attending school as well (Will have my AA at the end of the semester!).  I live “at home”, and I’ll be moving out in the middle of May.

My mother constantly makes comments about my weight, skin, hair, etc. that will inevitably send me into a tailspin, where I usually remain in a funk for a few days.  I’m 5’6”, 130 lbs., yes I have some skin problems, but I’m still a teen…I’m bound to have a few pimples/blackheads.  I dress conservatively, and nothing about my appearance is what you would call “extreme.”  In the Pictures of Yourself thread, I’ve posted a number of pictures of myself.

Apparently my crime is that I’m not like my older sister:  5’7” 115 lbs (very sporty body, usually runs 6 miles a day), blonde hair. 

When I stopped highlighting my hair and dyed it back to its original color (a medium to dark brown).  I was so excited when I came back from the salon after I got it colored, only to hear “You look like a goth.  You looked so pretty when you were blonde…”  That burst my bubble a bit, but I’ve also come to expect this from her.

“Reddie, your skin used to be so pretty…you’ve really got to do something about that.”  Thanks mom…My skin stopped being “pretty” to you once I hit puberty (surprise!)…I’m really okay with the few pimples I’ve got, and you should be, too!  What problem areas I do have are easily covered with powder.

She continually comments about my weight, usually right before I’m leaving to go somewhere when I’m dressed very nicely, or at the dinner table (no matter who is there).  “I’ve noticed you’ve packed on a few pounds,” and if we’re at the dinner table, that’s usually followed by, “Are you sure you want bread with dinner?”

This morning, I guess it just hit me at the absolute wrong time.  She called me into the spare bedroom before I was leaving for work and she gives me the once over and says, “You look goo-Oh…” as her eyes zero in on my hips, and says, “Nevermind.”  I ended up crying the entire drive into work.

I’ve told her time and time again that I wish she wouldn’t criticize my physical features, only to be told, “I’m your mother and it’s my job to tell you when I think you look bad.”  Niiiiiiiiice, Mom.

What drives me crazy is that her first husband used to tell her things like that all the time, so she knows how it feels.  Also, I have a family history of depression on her side, so she also knows (as she has told me) how little comments that people make greatly damage your self-esteem.  I’ve learned to cope over the last few years, where I don’t ask myself why I’m so ugly/fat/etc., but instead I’m now asking myself “Why can’t my own mother just accept me the way I am?  Surely my looks are not what define me…I thought it’s what was inside that counts.”

I’m just looking for a few tools to help cope, and maybe some words that might get through to her.  Thanks E-Hellions (especially if you’ve made it this far!).

[ladiedeathe]

My mom iwas a wizard at doing the exact same things your mom does; you definately have my sympathy.

What finally worked for me was to be direct and simple while refusing to engage in the conversation.

Example: Mom says "You look goo.. Nevermind (with glance to hips)"
You say "That was cruel and I didn't like it or find it helpful. Don't do that again."

Mom says "You look like a Goth." You say "That was an effort to be cruel and I don't like it. I know you think you are being helpful but you are being vicious- don't do that again."

I actually had to turn and leave my mom's house numerous times, even though I had come over for an event or to visit, just to make my point. She'd make a comment about hair, or dress, or food choice, and I'd end up saying, "I don't allow anyone else to speak to me that way, or to tear me down verbally, and I'm not going to allow you to do it. Please call me later when you don't feel like that's something you have to do." I'd leave and she's cry. It took close to thirty "almost visits" for her to get the point, but now we get along wonderfully and she has actually gone to the trouble of learning how to make suggestions rather than voice insults.

After years of this behavior your mom knows she can upset you and maybe even get you to "do it her way" in an effort to just make her quit. The trick is to begin treating the comments exactly as you would if they came from someone else- with an icy request for such impoliteness to stop and an identification of the comment as totally inappropriate.

I don't know you and have no reason to lie to you- in your pictures you seem pretty and you radiate a good feeling. Don't let anyone mess that up for you.

[Chartreuse]

Your mom and my mom went to the same behavioral training center.    Of course, my mother has suffered from eating disorders since she was in high school, still thinks she's fat, and seems to cope with her own insecurities by taking it out on me and my sisters.  I sympathize.

Back in high school, I was incredibly scrawny.  As in, unhealthy scrawny.  Once I hit college and actually started eating properly, I filled out.  I'm now around 5'10" and 150-155 pounds (pre-pregnancy).  The remarks about my weight have gone on for years.  Apparently because I'm not built like a starving 12 year old boy, I'm "chubby".  Yes, I'm not 120 pounds, I happen to have cleavage, but the last thing I am is fat.  It does get incredibly old to hear it all the time, even when you logically know it's nuts.

Oh, the makeup thing...  "put more makeup on, you look so much NICER with more makeup on", promptly followed by "you look like a whore."  I don't think I've ever heard anything but those two extremes.  Thanks, ma.  You wear 70's blue eyeshadow and thick eyeliner, and are giving me flack about makeup?!  What's next, want me to put a bag over my head before I go out?

Hair...  well, I went from "your hair is such a mess" (long and curly), to cutting it all off and promptly freaking her out about it...  My natural color isn't good enough (brown), despite hers not being all that different from my own.  The having it highlighted was apparently a great thing.  Since I've dyed it other variations besides "blonder", she hasn't been so enthused.

We won't discuss the trying to dress me thing.  Yes, I'm not exactly a fashion plate, but I do have my tastes and they don't match with yours.  Also, your tastes, ma... well... uhhh.... they're not flattering at all.  Thanks. 

Of course, this kind of behavior extends beyond commenting on my appearance, but...  Hang in there.  I know it really hurts, especially coming from the one person who you'd expect to love you as you are.  It helps realizing that she's doing it to make herself feel better, as she's a very insecure person.  As for getting her to stop, if you can manage to do so, you'll have had better success than I have.  I do call my mother on her comments ("you'd think you were trying to get me to starve myself..."), but it doesn't have much effect for very long.  Of course, this also adds to the reasons why I have very little to do with her much these days.

[IndianInlaw]

Please quit putting your sense of well being in the hands of someone who is doing something not in your best interest.

Your picture shows that you are quite pretty. 

[melodrama]

The next time she says “I’m your mother and it’s my job to tell you when I think you look bad.” tell her:

"No, you job as my mother is to support me.  Instead you are deliberately hurting me.  Do you think that makes you a good mother?"

I suggest buying yourself a calendar--one with nice big squares--and a marker in the bright/glittery color of your choosing.  Mark yourself a clear "Move Out" day.  Cheerfully cross off each day leading up to move out day.  Decorate your calendar with stickers, fun quotes, poetry, whatever will cheer you up each time you look at it.  Sayings like "My mother's opinion of me does not determine my worth" or other motivational slogans might help, too.  Post this calendar somewhere in your room where you can see it clearly.  If your mom can see it clearly, all the better.

Use these next three months to save up money, buy yourself cute things for your new apartment or dorm (even if they're small things, they'll remind you about your eventual freedom when you're feeling down), and plan for your new life.

For your own sanity, once you're gone don't come back every weekend, and don't let her into your new place.  She'll only criticize it anyway.  Once you're out of her house, you never have to listen to a word she says about you again.  Take some time on your own to really become happy with yourself.  Then you can let her back into your life.  She'll be surprised by how much you can do on your own, and you'll be surprised by how little she can hurt you once you know who you are.

It's a tough time, just getting out on your own, and your horrible mother is only making it tougher for you.  But you're strong!  And when things get tough, you can come back here and rant and rave about her.

Good luck!  

[Reddie321]

I suggest buying yourself a calendar--one with nice big squares--and a marker in the bright/glittery color of your choosing.  Mark yourself a clear "Move Out" day.  Cheerfully cross off each day leading up to move out day.  Decorate your calendar with stickers, fun quotes, poetry, whatever will cheer you up each time you look at it.  Sayings like "My mother's opinion of me does not determine my worth" or other motivational slogans might help, too.  Post this calendar somewhere in your room where you can see it clearly.  If your mom can see it clearly, all the better.

Use these next three months to save up money, buy yourself cute things for your new apartment or dorm (even if they're small things, they'll remind you about your eventual freedom when you're feeling down), and plan for your new life.

It's a tough time, just getting out on your own, and your horrible mother is only making it tougher for you.  But you're strong!  And when things get tough, you can come back here and rant and rave about her.

Thanks melodrama;  I'm loving the calendar idea!   I took a lighter load this semester so I could work full time and save up a fair amount to support myself during the times I'll only be able to work 30 hrs/wk.  I've saved most of my paychecks (except one final splurge on a new purse  ), just to make sure that I won't fall on my butt (or at least fall very hard), as she's so certain I will.

This whole moving out thing has also soured me in her eyes...we had arguments constantly from October until right after Christmas, when we finally came to a concensus, that yes, she disliked that "her baby" was "abandoning" her, but waking me up in the middle of the night to argue some more definitely wasn't changing my decision to move out [and fer cryin' out loud Mom, I'm moving across town, not across the country (yet)].  The weight/skin/hair etc. issue has always been there, but we've still gotten along fairly well.  Ever since I told her I was even considering moving out, it's all I can muster to even be civil.

[melodrama]

This whole moving out thing has also soured me in her eyes...we had arguments constantly from October until right after Christmas, when we finally came to a concensus, that yes, she disliked that "her baby" was "abandoning" her, but waking me up in the middle of the night to argue some more definitely wasn't changing my decision to move out [and fer cryin' out loud Mom, I'm moving across town, not across the country (yet)].  The weight/skin/hair etc. issue has always been there, but we've still gotten along fairly well.  Ever since I told her I was even considering moving out, it's all I can muster to even be civil.

Well, sure....because she knows she's going to lose her power over you, and she can't have that.  Since you're just moving across town, let me say again:

Please take some time for yourself without her in your life.  Take her phone calls, but don't let her into your apartment.  She will tear it apart, to make you feel like you can't succeed at anything without her.  If you don't want to admit that you'd rather not have her over, just make excuses "Oh, the landlord is putting in new carpet this week, so I can't have guests"  Visit her on neutral ground at a coffee shop or whatever, but keep your new apartment as your little safe haven!

[Reddie321]

Please take some time for yourself without her in your life.  Take her phone calls, but don't let her into your apartment.  She will tear it apart, to make you feel like you can't succeed at anything without her.  If you don't want to admit that you'd rather not have her over, just make excuses "Oh, the landlord is putting in new carpet this week, so I can't have guests"  Visit her on neutral ground at a coffee shop or whatever, but keep your new apartment as your little safe haven!

Ha!  When my mom was having one of her pity party/poor me days regarding my moving out, she brings up when my sister (I'll call her Twiggy) moved out (also across town), and how she never felt like she could just drop by and see Twiggy...I looked at her with an open mouth, then said, "Yeah, Mom, that's kind of the point."  Her response to losing her grip on her daughters is to claw, scratch, and cling tighter, not realizing that it's only pushing us out/away faster.

[Chonsil]

Okay, but you're lovely. Really, really lovely. And heck, we're the same weight and height so in my book, you're fab. 

I've not much to suggest in the ways of words to get through to your mother - many good suggestions have been made already by others far better at dealing with these things than I am - but I will say, with time and living and getting by on your own, and the positive feedback I am sure you will get from many other people in life - your self-esteem will just get better and better. Sounds like you are well on your way anyway.

I have thankfully gotten to the point where if someone makes wee remarks intending to be snidey and put me down I really don't give two hoots. Consider the critic. (although I appreciate it hurts when it's your mom)

My dad used to be a bit critical when I was a teen. "You're wearing too much makeup." he'd complain. And then, "you look tired." "Well Dad, that's because I'm not wearing any makeup today!" Hated it when I cut my hair. Didn't like it when I got it all curly and permed. It would have been nice if he'd been complimentary, but even then I was of the mind that I liked it - so if he couldn't say anything nice, too bad for him.

Hang in there!

[Evil Duckie]

.

[Bijou]

Background:  I’m 19, working full time, and attending school as well (Will have my AA at the end of the semester!).  I live “at home”, and I’ll be moving out in the middle of May.

My mother constantly makes comments about my weight, skin, hair, etc. that will inevitably send me into a tailspin, where I usually remain in a funk for a few days.  I’m 5’6”, 130 lbs., yes I have some skin problems, but I’m still a teen…I’m bound to have a few pimples/blackheads.  I dress conservatively, and nothing about my appearance is what you would call “extreme.”  In the Pictures of Yourself thread, I’ve posted a number of pictures of myself.

Apparently my crime is that I’m not like my older sister:  5’7” 115 lbs (very sporty body, usually runs 6 miles a day), blonde hair. 

When I stopped highlighting my hair and dyed it back to its original color (a medium to dark brown).  I was so excited when I came back from the salon after I got it colored, only to hear “You look like a goth.  You looked so pretty when you were blonde…”  That burst my bubble a bit, but I’ve also come to expect this from her.

“Reddie, your skin used to be so pretty…you’ve really got to do something about that.”  Thanks mom…My skin stopped being “pretty” to you once I hit puberty (surprise!)…I’m really okay with the few pimples I’ve got, and you should be, too!  What problem areas I do have are easily covered with powder.

She continually comments about my weight, usually right before I’m leaving to go somewhere when I’m dressed very nicely, or at the dinner table (no matter who is there).  “I’ve noticed you’ve packed on a few pounds,” and if we’re at the dinner table, that’s usually followed by, “Are you sure you want bread with dinner?”

This morning, I guess it just hit me at the absolute wrong time.  She called me into the spare bedroom before I was leaving for work and she gives me the once over and says, “You look goo-Oh…” as her eyes zero in on my hips, and says, “Nevermind.”  I ended up crying the entire drive into work.

I’ve told her time and time again that I wish she wouldn’t criticize my physical features, only to be told, “I’m your mother and it’s my job to tell you when I think you look bad.”  Niiiiiiiiice, Mom.

What drives me crazy is that her first husband used to tell her things like that all the time, so she knows how it feels.  Also, I have a family history of depression on her side, so she also knows (as she has told me) how little comments that people make greatly damage your self-esteem.  I’ve learned to cope over the last few years, where I don’t ask myself why I’m so ugly/fat/etc., but instead I’m now asking myself “Why can’t my own mother just accept me the way I am?  Surely my looks are not what define me…I thought it’s what was inside that counts.”

I’m just looking for a few tools to help cope, and maybe some words that might get through to her.  Thanks E-Hellions (especially if you’ve made it this far!).

Perhaps you 'looked so pretty' before you decided to move out?  Do you think her unhappiness at your move has anything to do with her picking at you?  Maybe it does...And maybe she isn't welcome at your sister's house because she did the same thing to her when she was moving.  If this is what she is doing, it's a childish and hurtful way to express her unhappiness.  Can you ask her what is really going on and ask her to stop it?

[Tabris]

Whenever she says something about your appearance, you need to run it through the Babelfish translator in your head. IN other words:

Her: Your skin is awful today.
Translation: I am very shallow today

Her: Your clothes are great...other than your hips.
Translation: I noticed your clothes because they look good, but I can't be sure.

Her: You look like a Goth
Translation: I heard some people hate Goths, but I'm not sure what they are

And so on. Don't cry all the way to work--laugh at it instead as much as you can. See how many ways you can translate "Your makeup is nice--it's a pity about your hair, though" and "You'd look beautiful if only you fixed your hair, clothes, makeup, weight, skin and eye color."

I think once you begin to see it as a joke, you might have an easier time of things. You accept she's saying these things ONLY to hurt you and that you're trying to escape by moving away. THis is an excellent first step. The next step is to be able to laugh when she says it.

Her: You look like a Goth.
You: ROTFL!
Her: Huh?
You: Do you even know what a Goth is?

Her: You have a pimple. Do you know why you have that?
You, laughing: Probably because I'm, I don't know, human! And female! Yay me with a menstrual cycle that makes my skin GLOW... HAHA!
Her, off-kilter: Uh...but how can you go out looking that way?
You, laughing even harder as you finish getting ready to leave for the day: President Bush called me today, said my face could help solve the oil crisis! Soon I'll be rich and famous. Gotta run--goodbye!

Most bullies can't stand being laughed at. She will try to up the ante at that point, but you know what? It's only for three more months. I think you can keep laughing at her that long.

Her: But that's disrespectful!
You: And commenting on the size of my azz is respectful?

Enjoy.

[Sterling]

My mother and I have always had a love/hate relationship.  She hated my friends and only liked one boy who I date even though if she had really taken the time to see what was going on she would have realized that he was the worse guy I have ever dated even to this day and I divorced a real dozzy of an azz.

She always had a remark about my clothing style, my goals, my looks and my skin and teeth where her favorite targets. 

"Your teeth are kind of getting stained."  Resulted in me spending a small fortune to have them bleached only to have the bleach burn my gums severally and they still were not white enough.  she waned them to basically glow in the dark.

"Your skin is so bad.  and you've gained wieght.  you shouldn't eat so much junk food."  Of course this was because I was running and lifting wieghts have put on musle and the acne was due to hormones.

She hate the color of my nature hair and would only accept blonde for hair color. Of course I am dark skinned Italian and blonde makes me look like a Sopranos extra.

when my grandmother had to live iwth my mother for awhile 2 years ago my mother called me to tell me how grandmakept telling her she had wrinkles, was to fat and needed a perm.  When I told her she had always done that to me she bascially got hit with a clue by four.  Things are not perfect sometimes she just can't help it, but she has gotten better.

Move out, get distance and find someone else to hold your emergancy key.

[dck133]

She told my DH at our wedding reception that the only reason he married me was for the family fortune. If you find that family fortune please let me know.

Ah yes - the family fortune. I am also looking for the money DH married me for. If I find it I will let you know where those secret bank accounts are.