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How to solve this...

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Me and my mommy friends (best way to describe them) like to get together for a potluck once a month or so.  Everyone brings something and the person whose house we are at basically only has to clean and things.  It means that the work and money is managable.  So last Friday at playgroup we were planning the next one.  I say we because there isn't really a clear host/organizer it's a joint effort.  We have a new mommy friend.  This woman and her 2 kids have been coming to playgroup for a couple months and I for one wanted to take the relationship to the next level.  So in the midst of talking about what we all want to bring (one of the best parts of this is talking about all the coll dishes we never normally have time to make) I asked her if she and her kids (no SO inthe picture) wanted to join us.  She said that was cool and I got her number and things.  She left shortly after, but before we could ask her what she wanted to bring.

So I called her on Monday and it has really taken until today to get the full story.  On Monday I filler her in of the 'theme' we'd chosen which is 'colorful' and asked her if she wanted to bring something.  I said that she didn't have to since it was her first time and we'd just love a chance to get to know her better.  But I didn't want to not mention the potluck aspect because I personally would feel bad if I showed up somewhere and everyone else had brought something.  Over the next few days the conversations have revealed that:

1) She feels tricked because she didn't realise that it was a potuck.
2) Now that she knows she feels trapped into coming because she'd already agreed to come.
3) I'd mentioned that since I only have a 12 week old - I have very few toys for older kids and so the other moms normalyl bring a couple small toys for their older children to play with.  She says that's just unreasonable.  If I am hosting and I invite someone with a 3yo I should have something for that kid to do.
4) She didn't know I had cats.  She doesn't like cats and if she knew I had them she never would have agreed to come.

CRUD MONKEYS!.  I am sorry I invited her.  But really!!!!  She heard us planning this - and the other moms were saying things like "I realy want to try to make a salad with X Y and Z" and "Well is Suzi is going to bake that dish, and I don't think the oven temps will be cmpatable - so I'll choose a different way to do the potatoes.  So I have no clue as to how she didn't realise it was a potluck.  And anyway - isn't it easier to cook one dish instead of the meal she has to cook anyway for her kids.

I don't know how to solve this and have her still feel invited and welcome to come to playgroup.  Right now it feels like she is probably going to vanish and we wont cross paths again.  And that makes me sad because she needs support and freinds.  Any advice?

Evil Duckie:

Just to clarify she didn't offer to bring anything while we were talking.  But she did participate in the conversation.  We were all talking about different ideas.  But the time we'd kind of settled on an idea and were committing to bring specific things she had to go pick up her older child (he's 3 and in preschool).  That's why I had to call her later.

I should also add that we were talking about all this infront of people who weren't invited.  The only people who'd come to playgroup on Friday are in our little group.  Wait...  That doesn't sound much better - we didn't come to the playgroup with our little group - it formed out of the moms who are regulars. 

About the cats.  I would lock them if if an allergic person thought it would help.  Although my MIL swears that it doesn't doesn't - except that then she doesn't have the tempation to pet them.  And I've learned not to vacumn the day of - because that just stirs up the allergins.  And I would lock them up if someone was scared.  But I am not going to lock them up just because someone doesn't like them.  Frankly - it's unlikeley that with a house full of people and small children that we'd even see them.  But we all know the saying about cats and closed doors...


--- Quote from: kiero on February 15, 2007, 04:59:23 PM ---I don't know how to solve this and have her still feel invited and welcome to come to playgroup.  Right now it feels like she is probably going to vanish and we wont cross paths again.  And that makes me sad because she needs support and freinds.  Any advice?

--- End quote ---
Well, yes, because her attitude makes it unlikely she'll have very many of them.

The potluck thing could be an honest mistake, but people can pick up a sandwich tray or some veggies and dip pretty easily, if she didn't feel comfortable with showing up without anything.

The toys - she should not be expecting the rest of the world to turn itself into a playground for her little wunderling. If she wants toys, she can bring them. It is perfectly reasonable to invite a parent and child to your get-together without having half of Toys 'R Us in the room.

The cats - it is not a faux pas to have them. If she's allergic, she can turn down the invitation with an explanation, or take antihistamines, whichever most appeals to her.

It sounds like she's desperately searching for reasons NOT to attend. Perhaps she's entitlement-crazy; maybe she's just social-phobic, but in any case, her actions are her responsibility. You have done nothing wrong in inviting her.

It sounds either as if she doesn't want to come, or if she does she won't fit into your group terribly well. (Actually she sounds horrible, but that is just my opinion.)

How about: "I'm sorry our little get-togethers don't sound like they're you're cup of tea. That's just the way our group likes to socialise, and it's always worked well for us. I understand completely if you don't want to come along after all, and really it's not bother at all if you've changed your mind. That's what's so great about potluck!"


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