Author Topic: House Warming Gift Registry?  (Read 3596 times)

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Freckles

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House Warming Gift Registry?
« on: February 16, 2007, 08:23:51 AM »
I'm stuck.  My best friend and her husband have just purchased their second home and are intending on having a housewarming party.  Their new house is much more expensive, larger, etc.

When she asked me if I would "hostess" for her I had no idea that a housewarming party isn't exactly something that someone hosts FOR you.  It's YOUR party and YOU are the hostess.  The main reason I agreed is because we had a huge falling out before her wedding and I backed out of being her matron of honor and ended our friendship for almost a year. So I felt kind of obligated to make up for that.

Now comes the tricky part: she wants to register for gifts.  She and her husband probably make a combined $100,00 a year and just purchased a home valued at just over $300,000.  They've been together for 3 years and married for 1. They don't really NEED anything but she insists on registering for gifts.

I've tried gently explaining to her, with links to an etiquette expert, that it's tacky and looks greedy to be registering for this type of event but she'll have none of it. She said that if her friends or family question it then she'll just tell them that she got bad advice from someone.

Now I get to be the RSVP contact and I'm really worried about informing people of this little tidbit.

My hubby thinks I should back out but I don't want to do that to her again, yet I'm going to be in an uncomfortable position.

Has anyone else had to deal with something like this?

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2007, 09:09:26 AM »
What exactly are your duties as hostess? Do you have to pay for the food? Whose house is it at? Do you send out the invites or does she? Who does the cooking?

She knows it isnt proper (hence her 'I'll just tell them I got bad advice' comment), and is saddling YOU with the responsibility of being embarrassed and explaining to guests that she is registered, not to mention anything else you are required to do.

Stand your ground. Say no. Don't feel bad about it. A good friend wouldnt put you in that position, and especially not after you had expressed discomfort with the idea. 
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

Freckles

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2007, 09:14:03 AM »
I'd basically get the RSVP's and help organize the evening. I wouldn't have to pay for anything just kind help out and be the go-to person.

I know you're right but I'm torn.  I've kinda accepted her "quirks" and value our friendship greatly. I feel that if I back out then it will hurt our relationship that we've had to rebuild over the last year.

I think when the time gets closer that I'll make one last attempt at directing her away from the registry idea and then let it be.  I don't know her other friends and barely know her family so if she want's to look like a greedy gift-grubber then it's her reputation, not mine.

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2007, 09:31:15 AM »
I've kinda accepted her "quirks" and value our friendship greatly. I feel that if I back out then it will hurt our relationship that we've had to rebuild over the last year.

But she cant accept that you are uncomfortable hosting? I am not saying you dont value her 'quirks', but she is definitely taking advantage of your nature.  If it is going to hurt the friendship to say "Friend, I didnt know when I told you I would host, but a housewarming is typically hosted by the person himself.  I feel uncomfortable relaying the information that you have registered for gifts for this. I will do X Y Z to help, but I cant do Q" then it's a pretty fragile friendship at best.

Why do you feel guilty over something from a year ago and continue to let that dictate your actions with her? You should be way past that now, imo. 

Why did you post, if you knew what you were going to do anyway?
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

twinkletoes

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2007, 09:33:54 AM »
What Rdge said - it's all spot-on.

Freckles

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2007, 11:12:49 AM »
I've kinda accepted her "quirks" and value our friendship greatly. I feel that if I back out then it will hurt our relationship that we've had to rebuild over the last year.

But she cant accept that you are uncomfortable hosting? I am not saying you dont value her 'quirks', but she is definitely taking advantage of your nature.  If it is going to hurt the friendship to say "Friend, I didnt know when I told you I would host, but a housewarming is typically hosted by the person himself.  I feel uncomfortable relaying the information that you have registered for gifts for this. I will do X Y Z to help, but I cant do Q" then it's a pretty fragile friendship at best.

Why do you feel guilty over something from a year ago and continue to let that dictate your actions with her? You should be way past that now, imo. 

Why did you post, if you knew what you were going to do anyway?

The situation with her wedding was huge and incredibly painful for both of us. We both made mistakes during the course of our friendship which led to a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  We reconnected by my choice because we have many commonalities with regards to our upbringing, our struggles with family, outlook on life etc. We're the same age, going through a lot of the same things, and really do support each other a lot.  For me, there isn't anyone else in my life that I can relate to like that.

The reason I posted is becuase I'm still struggling.  It's like I know what I should do but am conflicted with not wanting to hurt her AGAIN.  Backing out of an important commitment AGAIN. And letting her down AGAIN.

To be quite honest I was miserable during the 9 months that we were estranged and I'm afraid of losing her again. In many respects we're like kindred spirits .. I just happen to have a better grip on things of this nature, I think.

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2007, 11:14:24 AM »
I dont want to seem harsh, you know my opinion. I hope it works out for you.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

ImSusan615

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2007, 12:35:35 PM »
I think you should decline the honor of "hosting" her party, now that you know a housewarming is really hosted by the homeowners.  The only reason she asked you was so you could direct people to her registry when they RSVP, because she knows it would be tacky of her to do it, and she also knows she shouldn't even have a registry for such an event.   

If you decide to go along with your friend and host, you can field the RSVP calls for her, but it would be bad etiquette to mention a registry unless you are asked.  If you are not asked, then no problem.  I have a feeling she'd be the type to include registry info in with the invites, tho.




sweedetobee

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2007, 02:26:48 PM »
Are you sending the invites or is she? If you are sending them then simply refuse to include the registry info. If anyone asks you, you can tell them where she is registerd - just like a shower should be.

If you are not sending the invites... well then that gets trickier since your name is the RSVP and she coudl include the registry info herself yet it looks like you did it.

I would typically give you the same response the others did (just back out!) but you obviously really want to continue your friendship.

I hope it all works out for you!

Twik

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2007, 02:54:09 PM »
It's simple, really - when people RSVP, answer their questions. If all they ask is "where, when, what should I wear?", fine, tell them and say goodbye. If they ask about the registry, tell them - they're unlikely to ask unless they actually expect that there is one.

Do not volunteer that there is a registry, and no one gets hurt.  :-X
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Veronica

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2007, 12:28:34 AM »
She is tacky, tacky, tacky.  My cousin tried this too.   ::)

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CynthiaBelle

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #11 on: February 18, 2007, 04:55:53 PM »
I think you should just come tell her right out.

That way the honesty is there, and even if the friendship ends over it, you were still honest.

btw, if the friendship truly ends over it, it doesn't seem like a real friendship from the beginning.

Freckles

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2007, 04:23:54 PM »
OH, little bit of an update. This same friend who made money off her honeymoon is collecting money for a cruise for her neice who's getting married in April.  ::) 

I cringed when she told me but an interesting twist is that if she can't get enough people to chip in then she's out of pocket for the difference.  ;)

Shoo

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2007, 05:38:17 PM »
Gosh, Freckles, I just can't understand why you're feeling uncomfortable with this situation.  They've only been married a year, so presumably most of their friends and family have just recently given them gifts; they're already on their 2nd house;  and, they have a very good income.  Can't imagine the problem here.

Seriously, your friend sounds like a gift grabbing piglet.  Not to put too fine a point on it.

Please tell HRH that you will not be participating in this horrendous activity.  Save yourself!!

Freckles

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Re: House Warming Gift Registry?
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2007, 01:51:50 PM »
Sooo, my friend casually said this weekend that they're going to combine their housewarming with a cinco de mayo party (sp) so I have a feeling she might have taken my advice.   I'm interested to see what happens...