Pre-Wedding "social"

[Winter]

That's like a girl scout coming to your door, and if you say you don't want the cookies, hitting you up for the money anyway.  Plus an X-box.  

HA!

I think that you have an exceptionally rude group of "heaps of friends".

I should clarify, so as not to cast Ehell shame on my close friends - none of them have ever done this, and many feel the same way I do about  socials. The people who have done this pressure technique tend be acquaintances - although not knowing them well may make this even more Ehell worthy! Thing is, most are lovely people 99.9% of the time, and would never dream of asking you to pick up the tab for their drink. But when it comes to picking up the tab for their wedding, calling it a "social" somehow it makes it ok. That's why I dislike this tradition so much - it makes it seem like these kinds of asks are not only socially acceptable, but being supportive of your friends, and can turn otherwise great people into boors.

[Nurvingiel]

That's like a girl scout coming to your door, and if you say you don't want the cookies, hitting you up for the money anyway.  Plus an X-box. 

HA!

I think that you have an exceptionally rude group of "heaps of friends".

I should clarify, so as not to cast Ehell shame on my close friends - none of them have ever done this, and many feel the same way I do about  socials. The people who have done this pressure technique tend be acquaintances - although not knowing them well may make this even more Ehell worthy! Thing is, most are lovely people 99.9% of the time, and would never dream of asking you to pick up the tab for their drink. But when it comes to picking up the tab for their wedding, calling it a "social" somehow it makes it ok. That's why I dislike this tradition so much - it makes it seem like these kinds of asks are not only socially acceptable, but being supportive of your friends, and can turn otherwise great people into boors.

Well, people who use the social to behave like boors are... behaving like boors.

It's not the social's fault! Sometimes people organizing showers behave rudely. This doesn't make showers rude (where they are a custom), it makes the behaviour rude. Just because you and some of your besties have experienced rudeness from social organizers doesn't make socials rude either.

[TootsNYC]

The difference are:

(1) We don't expect the nightclub to see us as anything more than business opportunities - we'd expect our friends to do so.

(2) If our friends ask us out to a nightclub, we all pay the cover charge, which goes to the house. However, in a paid social, the profit goes to the person issuing the invitation.

(3) If the more people, the more profit, it's unlikely that there won't be a subtle pressure on those who actually don't want/can't afford to go.

Ah, but it's really less that you *invite* your friends, and more that you notify them, just the way you notify the general public. It's clearly a business relationship with your friends--and people do that from time to time.

It's also sort of like a potluck. We give a pass to people who clearly, statedly "organize" a potluck. As long as they're contributing too. We don't land on them for not "hosting."

This "social" is also not a hosted, invitation event.

Of course it can be done quite rudely. But I grew up in a small town, and I can absolutely see the entire community liking the idea of the social. They pay a small sum to have somewhere to go and socialize, and they get the mildly warm feeling that they're helping people a little bit, and they get to socialize w/ the couple whose wedding they know they wouldn't actually be invited to.

I can even see a community sort of resenting the couple who didn't host one of these. Bcs now there isn't a Saturday-night dance this week!

[Ligeia]

This. I'm from BC so I don't have any experience with socials, but they sound like fun.

IMO saying that they're "no longer capable of discerning how decent humans act" is a huge overreaction to a harmless local custom.

I was under the impression that this board was generally about American etiquette. Etiquette is formed by culture and very much a part of it. If one is not Canadian, one is not qualified to evaluate or judge Canadian etiquette.

No kidding.  "No longer capable of discerning how decent humans act" is incredibly rude phrasing.

[Giggity]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

[DottyG]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

You also (if I'm remembering correctly) live in Houston.  As such, you're not in a small community where this is the social event of the community "family."

[DangerMouth]

I think it sounds charming, and a lot of fun.

[Giggity]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

You also (if I'm remembering correctly) live in Houston.  As such, you're not in a small community where this is the social event of the community "family."

Has nothing to do with my current location. I have family in far smaller towns than this, and not a one of 'em asked anyone to fund their wedding.

[immadz]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

That goes along with, " If you don't like it, don't attend." The event itself seems like a lot of fun.

[TootsNYC]

You know what? Having a "social" isn't the same thing as asking other people to fund your wedding.

Have your family or friends asked people about babysitting opportunities in order to earn money? There's a certain amount of family pressure behind that. Or asking about whether they need odd jobs done, so that the couple can earn extra money?

if you have a "social," you are earning the money that you end up with. You arrange the band, you make the food, you set up and clean up the hall. Maybe your family and friends pitch in, but I'm betting that when THEY or their kids have a social, you're pitching in there as well.

[sparksals]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

You also (if I'm remembering correctly) live in Houston.  As such, you're not in a small community where this is the social event of the community "family."

Has nothing to do with my current location. I have family in far smaller towns than this, and not a one of 'em asked anyone to fund their wedding.

And how many times has it been stated that this is regional to a small part of Canada?  I'm sure there are things in your area that some of us would gasp at, but would be excused by virtue of regionalism.

[Jan74]

I'm ok with the idea of this, but not with the pressure that was stated by PPs, as in "Buy the ticket anyway, to support it" and "Buy an XBox".

Charming community tradition: they r doin it rong. 

Same thing as school fundraisers, girl scout cookies, etc. I'm not opposed to the idea of it, but I'm opposed to people who pressure others into buying to meet a quota.

[DottyG]

I'm ok with the idea of this, but not with the pressure that was stated by PPs, as in "Buy the ticket anyway, to support it" and "Buy an XBox".

Charming community tradition: they r doin it rong. 

Same thing as school fundraisers, girl scout cookies, etc. I'm not opposed to the idea of it, but I'm opposed to people who pressure others into buying to meet a quota.

I agree with this.

[baglady]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

But the social (stag & doe, Jack & Jill) is *not* a fundraiser for the wedding. It's for the *marriage.* The money raised is to help the HC get started in their life together. Traditionally (at least in my hometown), it was very young couples fresh out of school who had J&Js, and parents paid for the wedding. Using the J&J proceeds for wedding expenses wouldn't be an issue.

If that's changed with the times, that's unfortunate. It would be like returning all the bridal shower gifts for cash to pay wedding bills. Because that's what a social traditionally is -- a coed bridal shower where the gifts are money instead of stuff.

[DangerMouth]

I find it odd, solely because I was raised to believe that if you cannot afford it, you don't buy it, and that includes weddings.

But the social (stag & doe, Jack & Jill) is *not* a fundraiser for the wedding. It's for the *marriage.* The money raised is to help the HC get started in their life together. Traditionally (at least in my hometown), it was very young couples fresh out of school who had J&Js, and parents paid for the wedding. Using the J&J proceeds for wedding expenses wouldn't be an issue.

If that's changed with the times, that's unfortunate. It would be like returning all the bridal shower gifts for cash to pay wedding bills.

I'm not also understanding the issue. Wedding showers are specifically to get the things a bride needs for her new life, how is that not also a 'fundraiser'?