Pre-Wedding "social"

[LissaR1]

That's what it sounded like to me.  And hey- as far as breaking even, it's a risk you take.

I don't know much about the provinces where this is an accepted social custom.  It sounds like, from the OP's description, that this is a standard form of entertainment because these are small towns.  If that's the case, I'm guessing that this is something that probably doesn't happen every Friday and Saturday night of the year.  I mean, tough to tell, but yeah.

But I think the analogy of a nice frat party fits perfectly, and is almost exactly what this sounds like.

[sparksals]

No, they don't put up fliers for it.  People are invited and it's not "strangers".

[twinkletoes]

The difference are:

(1) We don't expect the nightclub to see us as anything more than business opportunities - we'd expect our friends to do so.

(2) If our friends ask us out to a nightclub, we all pay the cover charge, which goes to the house. However, in a paid social, the profit goes to the person issuing the invitation.

(3) If the more people, the more profit, it's unlikely that there won't be a subtle pressure on those who actually don't want/can't afford to go.

Pod to your whole post, and I have nothing to add!

[TZ]

And POD to you, twinkletoes!  I'm 25, and believe me, this is not a generational thing.  The only way I would pay to go to a party is if the proceeds went to a legitimate charity.  Yes, even fraternities use parties as charitable fundraisers, which justifies charging for drinks and admission.  In my experience, frats only charge when they are raising money for charity.  Their other parties were always free.  Helping someone finance a wedding is not contributing to a charitable cause.

I also see this as being totally different from youth groups and Girl Scouts.  Girl Scouts selling cookies are  learning the value of hard work, and they actually earn their rewards.  Couples who throw such parties don't really do much to earn the money, unless taking advantage of one's friends and family counts as hard work.

[twinkletoes]

This whole thread is making me wonder why so many couples need the fund-raising in the first place.  One can make a wedding as cheap or as expensive as one wants - so why is fund-raising even considered?  Shouldn't a bride and groom just think "ok, we can afford $30k, so that means we might not be able to invite every Tom, wingadingdingy, and Harry"?

[pryncsskittyn]

Ah- but there's no invitations, from the sound of it.  It's an event- not a party.  If it was an invite, I'd agree with you.  But it sounds like the kind of thing you'd put fliers up for, not send out invitations.  

You mean the hall/club would be full mostly of strangers? THis sounds like people finance their weddings by going temporarily into the entertainment business.

What would happen if not enough people showed up to break even?

I'm confused.  Though I feel that a "community social" as the origonal story refered towould qualify for this, I don't feel that the Jack & Jill I attended was like that.  It was more like having a party with a bunch of friends and family. 

And funny, now that I've posted this, I was just asked by one of his family members when mine would be held.  I guess we're expected to have one from what my DF has said.   It's been the topic of discussion all weekend in my home.  I told him we could have one (though I'm not too thrilled about all these parties in our honor, it just seems like too much of the "me me me"), BUT I refuse to allow a cover charge and I don't think my friends and family should have to pay to join us.  I have buckled to his pressure of having an auction.  His Mother and my Mother want to donate things and make things for a drawing, they feel that we should do something to "give people an opportunity to help out financially" *major eye roll*.  They'll be items that mean something to us and pertain to our lifestyle.  For example, my Mom will be throwing in a reservations for a campsite at our favorite campground on the weekend we are there every year (most of our friends and some of our family already join us for this and I think the campgroud considers us such regulars they'll give a break on the cost as a presonal gift to us), and there will be tickets to a Demolition Derby event we attend every year.  It's going to be one of those drawings where there are cups for each item, so people will be able to choose what things they want to join in on, that way my Aunt won't end up with a camping trip she'd never be caught dead at.  We're renting a local hall (though haven't chosen our date yet) and everyone will be given 3 tickets, so everyone has a chance, without having to buy tickets.
My DF is excited about the party and really wants to do it, he could care less about how "tacky" or classless it seems... I can't change his mind, so whatever, I've given in.  None of his friends or family will find it a money grab, they're used to these events.  And since it will be held where we live, and not in my home state, not many of my friends and family outside of the bridal party will be able to make it anyhow.  I'll tough this one out... Ehell here we come.

[ginlyn32]

Here in the US this is considered tacky but I have heard about this tradition a lot from Canadians (and I could be wrong but I am pretty sure its Canadians) and it is considered traditional.

Also how is this any different than any other pay party?  When I was in high school I hung out with a band that threw a party with a $10 cover.  It was all you can eat crawfish and beer.  All the profits went toward buying the band new amps.  No one was invited and we didn't even know hardly anyone who showed up.  I see these socials as a local custom that outsiders find rude.

There is also a tradition at some Asian weddings that the bride will not join the festivities until the guests have paid her enough money to come down.  In their culture this is not rude it is tradition.  Different cultures have different expectations. 

Edit because I really needed more coffee when I first posted this.  Grammer and spelling are not my friends today.

I think the reason most people would find it rude is if I was related to the bride or groom, I would be upset to be invited to a party where I had to pay to attend.

This is a wedding not a company picnic or company Christmas party where that is expected.

I know it was said they one is not expected to go, but could you imagine if Grandma didn't go? Someone also mentioned that the invites were very informal. Well, I dont think that even applies. I would be mad to even be asked to pay in order to get into a party that someone I knew was giving.

Ginger

[twinkletoes]

"
This is a wedding not a company picnic or company Christmas party where that is expected."

Actually, IME, it's considered pretty poor taste to even have the employees pay for that - a holiday party is seen as a way for a company to thank the workers for their service during the year.  (Unless, of course, the company is downsizing left and right and if the workers wanted a party, they'd have to pay for it themselves.)

[LissaR1]

No, they don't put up fliers for it.  People are invited and it's not "strangers".

Ah. See, from the way it was described in the original post, it almost sounded like that.  If people are specifically invited, that's a different story.   I was picturing something more where they put a notice in the paper and anyone could come.

[sierra_07]

I'd like to get a few things straight about "socials":

1.  There are NO invitations.  Its mainly a word of mouth thing.

2.  There is NO advertising.  Its actually stated in our liquor laws that a social cannot be advertised.  The only thing you'll see is a sample ticket taped to the counter of the local gas bar (or grocery store, etc.)

3.  You do NOT have to go.  There is no pressure put on you to go... at all.  Usually, there's too many people there to notice who's there and who's not there.

4. You are welcome to go to ANYONE's social.  So there may be strangers at a social, but it's more than likely people who know the couple.

5.  It may seem like a cash grab to some people, but that is definitely NOT the intention.  It's seen here as a 'great time'.  You never hear 'how tacky', but instead "when is your social?". 

Socials have always been a great memory for me and my friends... whether we knew the couple or not.   You get cheap drinks, have the chance to win great prizes, there's food, great music, lotsa dancing, and at the end of the night, its good to know that you might have helped someone out (not just the local bar). 

Which etiquette rule does this break, exactly?

[sparksals]

sierra - I think people think it's rude because of the selling tickets and the fund raising portion of it.  I'm from Alberta and they are not done there, but they are perfectly acceptable in Manitoba.  It's just like a money dance may be common in some regions whereas others think it's horribly tacky.  Socials are just one of those regional things that are acceptable in one place, but considered rude in another.

[sierra_07]

People are getting a service/goods for their money.  It's not like they are just giving money to the couple.... they actually get something out of it.

[Blurgle]

This just seems like another "this isn't the way we do it in the United States, so it's wrong" things. It may not have been meant to sound that way, but why are all the non-American, non-Anglo traditions seen as always so very wrong? To me, etiquette means adapting to the culture you're in, not imposing American culture on the world.

[pryncsskittyn]

This just seems like another "this isn't the way we do it in the United States, so it's wrong" things. It may not have been meant to sound that way, but why are all the non-American, non-Anglo traditions seen as always so very wrong? To me, etiquette means adapting to the culture you're in, not imposing American culture on the world.

This is a very good point, and I'd been noticing that lately.  Not to offend anyone, IMO, ettiquette should be judged by what is socially acceptable in the culture. 
I would never, for example, enjoy having a Baptist wedding, but I know a lot of Baptists who feel that I should have one to accomodate *them*.  I'm having a Greek Orthodox wedding.  They are quite different ceremony's (and receptions, since certain Baptits don't believe in dancing, and my dear FIL Greek family couldn't live without it) and it's hard to have one accept the other.

[NewMrsF]

I'm glad Sierra checked in to straighten out how socials are viewed. We don't do them in BC either but they are common elsewhere. I view it as similar to the 'Baseball Dance' I attended in a small town in Alberta. A friend was from a small community and the local team threw a fundraising dance. We paid a cover charge, paid for drinks (they were pretty cheap) and had a good time dancing. Seemd worth it to me and I didn't know a soul other than my friend. People of all ages were there and it was definitely a community event. Maybe more communities should do this (though it likely works better in a small town).