A time and place for tears in front of people?

[kingsrings]

This happened a while ago to me, but I've always been wondering about the etiquette of it since. Please don't get the impression that I am a cold person with a bad heart who thinks that no one should ever cry, I'm just being honest and looking for feedback.

I attended an outdoor holiday party where a lot of people were in attendance, most of us seated at the tables just casual chit-chatting and having a happy, good time. Everything is going fine when I noticed that one of my friends suddenly started crying, right in front of everyone. Apparently something at this event had triggered a sad memory for her of something that had happened years ago. She made no move to get up and go into the house, move to a corner, or anything, she just sat there, crying away at a table filled with people. Not loud sobbing, screaming, hysterics or anything, though. A couple of people went over and comforted her, talked to her, stuff like that. It was really uncomfortable for a friend of mine whom I had bought because she had never met any of these people before, this was the first time she was around them, and this happens. I felt that, out of consideration for the people around her, the crying friend should of excused herself to another area until she calmed down and felt better so as not to bring everyone else around her down in this formerly happy environment and event. There is nothing wrong at all with crying anytime, we all do it, after all. I just feel that in those kind of situations, such as at a party, one should excuse themselves to a more private area so as to not to sadden a happy event or make people feel uncomfortable, which a lot of us felt that day. This particular friend has also done this several more times and not excused herself, but those other times it was at church during services, which is obviously not the wrong place to start crying. In fact our pews have boxes of tissues!

So, do you agree that she did something wrong etiquette-wise, or am I the wrong one?

[lesherb]

I suspect this person enjoys the attention her crying garners.  Personally, I avoid crying in front of others.  It is just too personal an emotion to exhibit when no one else is being affected that way.

[kingsrings]

I suspect this person enjoys the attention her crying garners.  Personally, I avoid crying in front of others.  It is just too personal an emotion to exhibit when no one else is being affected that way.

I feel the same way about crying. I don't think my friend was necessarily faking being sad that afternoon to get attention, I believe she genuinely felt sad and that her tears were real. I do agree with you that she does enjoy the attention she gets based on this and several other instances of stuff she has done. Like one time she didn't eat anything for awhile to the point of her getting faint and feeling bad in the middle of church, and she made sure everyone knew about it. Our other friend dutifully got up and went back and forth to the food cart, getting her various foods until she was satisfied. I wonder what would happend the next time she does this if I just say, "Oh, you drama queen" and ignore her. Nah, I guess I would be looked at as mean by everyone else.

[freakyfemme]

Maybe she thought that getting up and leaving would attract more attention, and therefore be ruder?

[sammycat]

I agree with lesherb that the friend is enjoying the attention from it all.  I suspect from your second post regarding the feeling faint in church and making sure that everyone knew about it that she might be a bit of a drama queen?

[kingsrings]

I agree with lesherb that the friend is enjoying the attention from it all.  I suspect from your second post regarding the feeling faint in church and making sure that everyone knew about it that she might be a bit of a drama queen?

Yeah, either that or just real needy, I guess.

[Cyndi]

I think the only time I really cry in public is at Good Friday during the Veneration of the cross. Usually my mom puts her arm around me and I hide my face because I get all blotchy when I cry.

But I agree that sounds like attention grabbing behavior. Perhaps next time she starts to cry you can just change the subject until she gets herself together.

[kingsrings]

I don't want the others to view me as being mean or cold-hearted, though. They don't seem to have a problem with it.

[sammycat]

I don't want the others to view me as being mean or cold-hearted, though. They don't seem to have a problem with it.

I totally understand where you are coming from but there is a time and a place for everything. I have a friend who last year went through a very tragic situation and naturally from time to time she will get upset (in public) if something brings back a memory of that.  That is perfectly understandable and my heart breaks for her at those times and I do my best to comfort her. On the other hand, if someone started the waterworks/fainting/breaking into song etc. simply to bring the focus onto themselves because they felt that everyone's attention was momentarily elsewhere, well, then, I'm less likely to be sympathetic.

[hellgirl]

I think it's better to move somewhere a bit more private - people may still follow and doing comforting things, but it draws less attention. I also think it's rude to inflict your emotions on people when it makes them uncomfortable and can easily be avoided, or the impact lessened - as it can be in this case.

I was at a Christmas party a few years ago and a carol played that was my brothers favourite - and my brother had died a few months prior. I teared up big time, and quickly ducked into a nearby room to gather myself together. My partner followed, and I explained the problem, so he asked me if I wanted to him to change the music, if I wanted to leave, gave me a hug and a handkerchief and such. But as far as I could tell not a single other person noticed. I returned to the party soon after, and things were fine. This was a *party*! People were milling round and having fun. I would have found it very inappropriate to stand there crying and explaining to people "Oh, it's okay, it's just that this song reminds me of my dead brother". Am I'm sure the host would have been mortified that he'd inadvertently upset me.

But maybe I just think it's rude to make it so obvious that you're having such a bad time at a public event that is 'supposed to be' happy.

[Sirius]

Where I used to work I had a relatively private cubicle; that is, unless someone physically came through the opening they wouldn't be able to see me.  Well, I got an e-mail message a few years ago from older sis, who had been battling lymphoma, telling me that her cancer had recurred.  The news made me cry, but I felt I was in a private enough place to do so.  The sergeant in the office saw me crying and came and asked me what was wrong, and I told her.  I think, though, if someone gets some bad news it's not really that strange for them to cry, but as was said elsewhere, it's better done in private. 

By the way, my sis is still with us, and is doing well today.

Sirius (aka Vegakitty)

[Moogle]

I agree with most of the posters here that it's better to move somewhere and cry in private.

Early this year, I had to go out of town for a seminar at our head office.  It was the first time I was away from my little boy (he was less than 2 years old that time).  In the middle of the seminar, I got a text message from my babysitter that there was something wrong with my little boy.  I quickly left the room and kept on calling my husband and my mother (a pediatrician) to find out what needed to be done.  Right after making the phone calls, I just started crying.  It all worked out fine and I'm thankful that my little boy got better and my manager was fine with me missing around 1/4 of the seminar.

[HorseFreak]

I'm extremely, pathetically prone to crying. It's ridiculous, but I don't do it to get attention. However, I try to discretely excuse myself when it happens in public. That doesn't work when I'm in a meeting with a professor (nothing like crying from stress while getting extra help).

[Alida]

The day after I found out that a friend I'd known since 2nd grade had committed suicide by laying down in front of a train, I kind of lost it at work.  BUT... I left my desk and went to the ladies' room and had a good long cry there.  Washed my face, came back out and let them know that I needed to leave, I wasn't able to hold up that day. 

I would have been humiliated if one of my coworkers (mainly men in their 50s and 60s and a woman in her 40s, I was only 30) had seen me crying at my desk.  It is a plea for attention, IMO.

[newmomma]

Generally, I don't feel comfortable crying in front of people.  The rule of thumb for my mind is that crying in public is okay if the cause is public.  So crying at a funeral, or at the veneration of the Cross, or in a hospital are more acceptable because the cause is known to everyone, but grieving in the middle of a grocery store with no attempt at discretion because a painful memory has been triggered is not as acceptable.  That would be the time to go out to your car, and let it out.  The main difference is that if the people around you don't know what is going on, then it gets VERY uncomfortable for them. 

I usually don't feel comfortable around blatant uncontrolled crying in the cases of strangers.  It usually involves personal details that I don't really want to know.  It feels to me like an attention-grab.  I probably would have grabbed your emotional friend a Kleenex, and suggested that maybe she needed to go somewhere and have some time alone to let everything out. 

Incidentally, I don't think you are cold-hearted.  There's just a time and place for everything.