A time and place for tears in front of people?

[ZipTheWonder]

I think a few public tears are appropriate when everyone at the event is similarly affected or moved (ie: a funeral) but in the case of the OP's friend, it's good manners to excuse onesself when the emotional reaction is out of context for others present (ie: tears at a party, giggles in church.)

[sammycat]

I think a few public tears are appropriate when everyone at the event is similarly affected or moved (ie: a funeral) but in the case of the OP's friend, it's good manners to excuse onesself when the emotional reaction is out of context for others present (ie: tears at a party, giggles in church.)

Agree 100%

[hellgirl]

That doesn't work when I'm in a meeting with a professor (nothing like crying from stress while getting extra help).

While I'm not a professor, I am a tutor. And I don't generally mind crying students. Possibly because it's a stress reaction for me too - and doesn't always mean that I'm actually experiencing a strong emotion, but maybe that I'm just stressed and overtired, rather than sad/about to quit the course! I keep a box of tissues in my drawer that I offer if it seems needed, but I do like it if the person says something like "sorry, it's a stress reaction" so at least I know that they're not upset as such (or more importantly that I need to take some action), or about to have some kind of emotional breakdown in my office!

[Clara Bow]

I cry when I'm upset, it's so embarrassing to me. I generally stick around and fight the tears as long as I can, sometimes I succeed. But if it's obvious that I cannot keep them from coming, I vanish until I've got myself together. I'm going to POD with my fellow posters that friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen...I mean, who has so many bad memories that they can't be taken out in public without turning on the waterworks?
Maybe I sound cold, but I don't always buy that excuse. Some people have legitimate anguish (like the poster who talked about hearing her brother's favorite Christmas carol, or Sirius's response about her sister), some are looking for attention.

[LifeOnPluto]

Yep, definitely agree that there is a time and place for crying. For example, I think crying at work (in front of colleagues, bosses, etc) is a big no-no. Recently, a friend of mine was working a stressful office job, and dealing with a very unpleasant supervisor. When her supervisor made several nasty comments one day, she just lost it, and cried at her desk, on and off, from 11am to 5pm.

Whilst I sympathise she was being treated horribly, I think that crying for that long at work didn't do her any favours. At the risk of sounding harsh, how will she expect to be taken seriously by her colleagues? If you cry at work, you should try and save it for the bathrooms, OR if you really can't stop, excuse yourself and go home 'sick'.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

So, do you agree that she did something wrong etiquette-wise, or am I the wrong one?

I think she should have excused herself. Crying in front of people is just going to make them uncomfortable. Not only that, but people feel helpless when someone starts crying and there's nothing they can do.

I have a story, though. Back in 1995 when I had been working at XX School for only a year and 9 months, we were working on the school play, which I had written. (It got such good reviews by the people who came that they begged us to run it for another week, but the kids AND the teachers were so tired we had to refuse. Also, three other schools that I know of begged for the script so they could do it too.)

Anyway, the teachers of each grade had to take turns supervising the children from their grade for two nights and you could watch one night. Except, one of the teachers in my grade was the pianist, so she was in the hall every night. No problem, the other teacher and I said we'd each watch one night, and we'd both be there on a third night so it was fair. No problem, right? Ha.

My colleague got HepatitisA and couldn't watch one night. So I went to the director (who was a head of department then; she became the principal later) and explained the problem: there was no one to watch my grade on the night I was scheduled to see the play. Having written it, I REALLY wanted to be in the audience at least once! And the director said, "Too bad, you can't see the play. Colleague is sick, so you have no choice but to supervise the children."

I went into the bathroom and started crying. The pianist saw me and came in. I told her what the director had said and why I was crying. She said, "What are you crying in the bathroom for? That's not going to help! Go into the principal's office and start crying! If you want something, you must be prepared to do what it takes!"

So I washed my face, calmed down just enough to make it to his office, went in. He said, "What can I do for you?" And I said, "Director said..." and started bawling! They were genuine tears, I might add, just delayed from when I was crying in the bathroom. And the principal said, "It's okay, it's fine, we'll sort something out." And he did! Another teacher said she'd watch my grade and hers, and then the next night I could do the same. So I got to watch after all.

That was a time when crying in front of someone proved to be advantageous. I would never do it to manipulate people, but I find that if someone is being unnecessarily harsh or refusing to listen to reason, tears seem to help their hearing to come back online!

[CrayonOutlines]

I don't know if there are etiquette rules about this, but I agree with you that a lone crying person in a group of people should probably excuse him/herself until emotions are more under control.

[kingsrings]

I'm extremely, pathetically prone to crying. It's ridiculous, but I don't do it to get attention. However, I try to discretely excuse myself when it happens in public. That doesn't work when I'm in a meeting with a professor (nothing like crying from stress while getting extra help).

Don't feel bad. I worked at a college for two years, and occassionally we would have crying students. You're not the only one who does that sometimes.

[kingsrings]

I cry when I'm upset, it's so embarrassing to me. I generally stick around and fight the tears as long as I can, sometimes I succeed. But if it's obvious that I cannot keep them from coming, I vanish until I've got myself together. I'm going to POD with my fellow posters that friend sounds like a bit of a drama queen...I mean, who has so many bad memories that they can't be taken out in public without turning on the waterworks?
Maybe I sound cold, but I don't always buy that excuse. Some people have legitimate anguish (like the poster who talked about hearing her brother's favorite Christmas carol, or Sirius's response about her sister), some are looking for attention.

She had legitimate anguish - it was something similar to the poster and the Christmas carol thing. But when she didn't get up and excuse herself to go somewhere else, like the poster did, and instead just did the whole waterworks thing right in front of us all, is what I thought was inappropriate. She hasn't burst into tears at any more parties since, just in church a few times, which I think is appropriate given the setting.

[kingsrings]

Yep, definitely agree that there is a time and place for crying. For example, I think crying at work (in front of colleagues, bosses, etc) is a big no-no. Recently, a friend of mine was working a stressful office job, and dealing with a very unpleasant supervisor. When her supervisor made several nasty comments one day, she just lost it, and cried at her desk, on and off, from 11am to 5pm.

Whilst I sympathise she was being treated horribly, I think that crying for that long at work didn't do her any favours. At the risk of sounding harsh, how will she expect to be taken seriously by her colleagues? If you cry at work, you should try and save it for the bathrooms, OR if you really can't stop, excuse yourself and go home 'sick'.

I agree with you somewhat. I think it all depends on how long you have worked for the company. I have cried several times at work in the past, but this was when I was established as a long-term employee and had been working at those places for a while, so it was okay. It didn't happen a lot, only once in a while. I think crying at work is unacceptable if you've only been working there a short while and haven't established yourself just yet. That is an unprofessional no-no. I'm not talking about crying over personal things, such as finding out at work that your family/friend had just died, obviously that is understandable. And your friend crying all day like that, well, if she kept it quiet and to herself I guess that would be okay, but if it was obvious to everyone else, then she should of gone home for the day if whatever was that upsetting.

[Athos_000]

I agree with all the others who said that you should excuse yourself if you are in an inappropriate situation to be crying (a party, work, etc.) However, I have cried at work one time, and with my luck got caught 

I had submitted my request to use all of my vacation time for the month that I was getting married because I had to drive 2000 + miles to my parent's house (where the wedding was taking place) and back again afterwards. I generally take my vacation time around this month because it always seems to be a slow time for me at work and falls during summer break. This year it was no exception.. we were extremely slow, so I didn't anticipate a problem.

When I got my request sheet back they had denied all three of my requested times (1st, 2nd, 3rd choice of time blocks) because the big boss freaked out and wanted me around "just in case". I think the stress of planning the wedding got to me and I just lost it and started bawling. I have my own office but one of the sales guys came in to use my fax machine at just that moment.  Poor guy LOL! This type of thing is really unusual for me and I was so embarassed.

Things worked out in the end though... I worked on call for a week leading up to the wedding and still managed to get married

[NEDESAPIO]

A couple of years ago I attended a performance of the Verdi Requiem.  The concert was dedicated to those who died in the Sobibor Concentration Camp; in fact, inmates at Sobibor performed the Verdi Requiem in the camp itself, and nearly all of those inmates eventually were murdered, many in the gas chambers.

The artistic director and conductor, who was Jewish, chose to have a slide show of inmates at Sobibor accompany the music.  The film itself was not graphic.  The project obviously meant a lot to him, and indeed the performance was very moving.

After the concert, as I was leaving the hall, I saw one middle-aged woman still sitting in her seat, absolutely hysterical --- crying as though she'd never stop.

One the one hand, I knew nothing of this woman's history:  maybe she had relatives killed in the Holocaust. (She was much too young, I would say, to have been a Holocaust survivor herself.)  Still, I was a bit embarrassed watching her, and I think others were, too.  I wonder whether she should have excused herself.  The artistic director/conductor was left with the impossible task of comforting her.  Perhaps he even asked himself whether he should have presented the Requiem in that manner after all.  But in my opinion it would have been a shame if he hadn't; it was a great idea and a great performance, and no one else I saw was anywhere near as upset as that woman was.

[MerryRaven]

Wasn't this problem posted on the old forum about a year or so ago?

Sometimes people cry.  I don't think there is a rule about excusing yourself.

I'm post menopausal and sometimes I cry for no particular reason at the drop of a hat.  I have been known to stand sobbing in the greeting card aisle among the birthday cards.  It comes I think with the hot flashes and now that they are better the crying problem is better too. 

Crying may be attention getting but it is not like vomiting and you are not obligated to excuse yourself.

[Brennie]

I cry when I'm upset, it's so embarrassing to me. I generally stick around and fight the tears as long as I can, sometimes I succeed.

You sound just like me. When I'm upset, I usually cry and sometimes excusing yourself is just not an option. I was fired from a previous job under a mix of fair and unfair circumstances. I can say that I didn't see it coming and when I was pulled in the office and let go, man, I lost it. I was so mortified that I couldn't stop crying but I couldn't leave either!

I'm also a crier when it comes to movies. Nothing makes me cry like a good movie, that can be highly embarrassing. After 'The Green Mile' I was wreaked for a week. It's gotten to the point that I won't watch certain movies with company unless I've previewed them first   

[Kirasabu]

I'm extremely, pathetically prone to crying. It's ridiculous, but I don't do it to get attention.

I'm like that, and I absolutely hate being that way. I wish I could toughen-up and just stop feeling so much emotion. I think the fact my dad never ever expressed emotion has a lot to do with it.