A time and place for tears in front of people?

[Cyndi]

Nothing makes me cry like a good movie

I cry over certain Godzilla movies, particularly the one where his own atomic energy causes him to melt down. A horrible death. I can't watch this movie with anyone because I lose it. I also weep when I watch Ghost and Titanic.

[Sophia]

The only reason to cry at a happy social function, and NOT excuse yourself is because you are upset you are not the center of attention. 

In some situations, moving would make more of a scene.  Like when you are in your fairly private office/cubicle.  In other places, like a store, people can pretend they don't see you.  But at a dinner?    You should excuse yourself.  Someone will follow.  Try to console you.  Then they will report back to the group. 

[Brennie]

I also weep when I watch Ghost and Titanic.

Ahhh Titanic! I saw that at the theater and I was crying so hard I had to move so I wouldn't freak my friends out.

It didn't work. 

[KenveeB]

I'm extremely, pathetically prone to crying. It's ridiculous, but I don't do it to get attention.

Oh yes, add me to the club!  I cry at the drop of a hat, and it's extremely embarrassing.  It's a totally involuntary reaction, and no matter how much I've tried to suppress it, I just can't manage it.  About a year or so ago, I was having some really tough times at work with a much-needed (and deserved!) raise and promotion getting held up in nonsense.  I cried several times in front of my immediate supervisor, which horrified me, and once in front of the next-up boss, which horrified the both of us.  It got to where I was having to avoid discussing it at all because I got teary-eyed as soon as the subject came UP.

Fortunately, no one has yet caught me sniffling over one of those horrible glurge email forwards.

[hellgirl]

Ahhh Titanic! I saw that at the theater and I was crying so hard I had to move so I wouldn't freak my friends out.

Reminds me of getting annoyed at some friends/flatmates when watching a particular episode of Angel on tv - they had watched downloads so knew what would happen (and had been slowly ruining the plot for me for weeks). So I knew a main character was going to die. I warned them at the beginning that I would cry. I thought it was only fair - darkened living room, good friends, they were warned - I thought I'd be okay to tear up. So it happened, and I cried (more than I expected - was quiet, but lots of tears and tissue dabbing) and one 'friend' hassled me about crying over a tv show, like I was being such a baby. I tried to explain that I'd been watching these characters every week for several years now, and was emotionally attached to this show - it was only natural I'd be sad to have a fave character written out in such a way - but she just didn't understand why I'd be upset to the point of tears. I think she thought I  was joking when I warned them!

[freakyfemme]

I don't know anyone who does the "drama queen" thing of crying for effect, so what I find effective is the "cauterizing" technique.  If one of my close friends starts crying, for whatever reason, I'll go up to her and hug her, like I normally would, but then just position myself so her face is at least somewhat obscured by my shoulder, and hug just a little more tightly than I normally would.  Usually, by the time we separate, the crying has stopped, and if anyone happened to see, for all they knew, it was just a normal hug between friends.  My friends have done that for me a few times too, and it's sort of a standard practice in my circle.  Of course, there are times when that doesn't work, and talking in private is necessary.

[LifeOnPluto]

  But at a dinner?    You should excuse yourself.  Someone will follow.  Try to console you.  Then they will report back to the group. 

That brings up another point. Conversely, I feel it is rude of people to make a huge fuss when the crying person just wants to keep things quiet.

If the crying person excuses themselves, has expressed a wish to be left alone and/or is clearly embarrassed about crying, I think it is rude of 'well-meaning' friends to insist on following them, consoling them, demanding to know what is wrong, AND worst of all, calling other people over so that they can join in 'comforting' the crying person too.

If the crying person wants to tell you what is wrong, they will. But demanding that they 'talk it all out with the group , cos then they'll feel better' is totally the wrong approach, IMO.

[Rei-chan]

Some people just can't stop tears sometimes....I'm one of those people.  I have anxiety that is attached to bipolar disorder, and if I am under a lot of stress and get blindsided, the tears just come before I can do anything about it.  Of course, unless it is a full blown panic attack, I try to get out of sight as fast as I can.

I remember my first Thanksgiving after my mom died, I was working in a little mom and pop type restaurant about a week before the holiday, and made a comment to a coworker that I was off Thanksgiving Day (my boss knew my situation and had agreed) and another off duty coworker said "I don't think that's fair, you're new and the rest of us have been here longer and have families to cook for!"  Right there, in front of all the customers, I LOST IT and ran for the bathroom.  I was in there for almost half an hour and had to leave after that because I couldn't get control of myself.

Add me to the list of TV show criers:  I cry at episodes of Buffy ( The Body and The Gift) and Angel (Mich-hell, was it Fred or Wes that got you?) and at the finale of Six Feet Under.  Luckily, DH and my friends all know to expect this out of me (and some of them cry with me!)   

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

So it happened, and I cried (more than I expected - was quiet, but lots of tears and tissue dabbing) and one 'friend' hassled me about crying over a tv show, like I was being such a baby.

Cordelia? Fred? Wesley? I bawled like a baby when all three died. I love the last episode but I'm a complete basket case every time I watch it. And you know what? It doesn't matter! Because I cared about those characters and that show and someone who would hassle me because they didn't understand that can go take a long walk off a short pier.

The first time I ever cried in a movie was in Star Trek II, when Spock died. Granted, I was 13 at the time.

Didn't cry during Titanic, though. We knew the boat was gonna sink! It's still really moving, though.

[Sophia]

  But at a dinner?    You should excuse yourself.  Someone will follow.  Try to console you.  Then they will report back to the group. 

That brings up another point. Conversely, I feel it is rude of people to make a huge fuss when the crying person just wants to keep things quiet.

If the crying person excuses themselves, has expressed a wish to be left alone and/or is clearly embarrassed about crying, I think it is rude of 'well-meaning' friends to insist on following them, consoling them, demanding to know what is wrong, AND worst of all, calling other people over so that they can join in 'comforting' the crying person too.

If the crying person wants to tell you what is wrong, they will. But demanding that they 'talk it all out with the group , cos then they'll feel better' is totally the wrong approach, IMO.

In reporting, I meant more something innocuous like, "She just needs some private time to compose herself."  That way people can proceed with having fun, which is completely impossible when someone is bawling right in the middle of the group. 

[Sandi Papaya]

I don't normally cry easily, but I also don't like to cry publicly.

The last time I ended up crying in public was in front of my old boss, who was a jerk. My grandma was scheduled to go in for angioplasty surgery on a Thursday, but when I checked in with my mom on my break on Wednesday, she indicated to me that it was being done that same afternoon, and I immediately got the feeling that something was wrong.

I had planned to take half of Thursday off to be with my grandmother for the surgery, so that was all arranged. I wanted to go in and talk to my boss to tell him the surgery was being done that day instead of the agreed-upon day and ask him permission to leave early. It was already 11:30, but my boss was on the phone and I didn't want to interrupt him, so I sat and waited 15 minutes for him to get off the phone. When he was still on the phone at 11:45, I took it upon myself to call his office voicemail (he was on a personal call, as he was on his cell phone at the time) and left him a message saying that my grandmother's surgery was being done that afternoon instead of the next day, so I was taking an early lunch and would make it up when I got back the next day.

It was a good thing I left when I did, as I got to the hospital (an hour's drive in lunch-hour traffic) at the instant that she had suffered a stroke post-operation, and when I called my mom to notify her that I was there and we (my cousin, a close family friend and my grandpa) were just getting ready to park, I was in total shock when my mom was in tears and all she could say was, "Grandma's dying...grandma's dying...get here as quick as you can. Grandma's dying...please get here."

It takes a lot to make my mom break down like that, so I instantly panicked, started crying, and told my cousin to just let us out and find parking and meet us as quickly as he could.

Grandma survived the stroke but is still in the hospital to this very day and is very ill. I ended up not going back the next day - I was off work for the remainder of the week, and when I came back in to work on Monday, I was treated to a rant on why I couldn't have waited till my boss was off the phone (I waited a good 45 minutes; I learned later that he was on the phone till well into lunchtime - ON A PERSONAL CALL) or at least waited till noon to leave, as a routine medical procedure on a relative is not an emergency.

I broke down in angry tears and told him that he didn't have any idea of the state of my grandmother's health, we had already arranged that I was to leave early the next day anyway, and that given the precarious state of my grandmother's health I had warned him that the situation could change at any time. As it was, I arrived the very moment they had found out she'd had a stroke - had I waited those 15 minutes to leave, she could very well have died. He told me that leaving "on a whim" was inexcusable and unprofessional (this from the man who was on the phone for over an hour, conducting business for his other job, when I needed to tell him that I had to leave), and that my job came first, before any family duties, unless a family member was on the point of death.

That was the last straw; at that point I lost all professionalism, sobbing hysterically and telling him, "Which part of 'my grandmother had a near-fatal stroke' DIDN'T sound like she was on the point of death?" He couldn't answer me, and I admit that at that point I was completely out of control. I was screaming and yelling that my family came before ANY job for me, especially my grandparents, to whom I was very close and I wasn't about to make work a priority over my family, EVER - because I could always find another job but I couldn't just find another grandmother. It didn't end there - I was in his office for nearly 2 hours - but the whole unit heard me rip several strips off him. I've never been so out-of-control angry with a boss my entire life, and I've had some doozies - but this guy took the cake.

I ended up taking this to the acting division manager, for which I was ridiculed by my boss because I'd only been working there a year, he was good friends with the ADM, and he'd been here 15 years and "knew a lot of people" in the County. At that point, I took it up with the union because I saw it as harassment - I was an employee in good standing, I'd had a legitimate family emergency, I had sufficient personal time to cover the days I was gone (save one day, and I took that one without pay), and he was making veiled threats based on my position and my longevity with the County, and I found that unacceptable.

I'm not proud of how I behaved, but he went so beyond the pale that I lost all control of myself, and that's the only time I've ever done so at work. I was so enraged it was unbelievable. My whole unit heard that argument, and even though they sided with me, it was incredibly embarrassing.

So, in short: yes, there is a time and place for crying publicly, and I admit that that time and place isn't in your boss's office when you're in a complete rage. I'm generally pretty even-tempered and try my best to remain professional at work, but one very quick way to get my goat is to tell me what my priorities or my beliefs should be, especially as regards my career and my family, because for me, nothing comes before my family. Ever.

[Linda1967]

I'm post menopausal and sometimes I cry for no particular reason at the drop of a hat.  I have been known to stand sobbing in the greeting card aisle among the birthday cards.  It comes I think with the hot flashes and now that they are better the crying problem is better too. 

I thought about this when I read the original post - that maybe there was a medical reason for the woman to be crying at a happy event. And maybe the woman didn't even understand why she was crying.

I think I mentioned before that I've had depression off and on since 2000 - it runs in my family, and I think I've inherited the family tendency toward it. I also have a thyroid problem (hypothyroidism) which can make depression worse.

In the summer of 2000, before I finally admitted that I needed help and   
went to see my doctor (actually, my DH forced me to go), I was crying all of the time, and I did not understand why. My DH and I went to his brother's wedding, since DH was the best man, and I went to the bridesmaid luncheon with other family members - I was invited even though I wasn't in the wedding party. And I had to excuse myself at one point because I was in tears. That evening, I cried again during the wedding itself, even though it was a happy occasion. It didn't help that my DH could not be beside me the whole evening, but my MIL and FIL tried to stay with me. I knew they were concerned about me. I felt so miserable that I decided that I probably should have stayed home and had DH go to the wedding alone - but I was scared of being alone, too.

It was an absolute relief to learn from my doctor that I had a thyroid problem and depression that could be treated with medication. Once I had been on the medication for a while, it was like a black cloud had been lifted. I know others who have experienced depression have felt the same way after finally understanding why they were crying so much and getting help, so I'm wondering if the crying woman in the first post was depressed.

I'm not excusing her behavior, because I think that you should try to excuse yourself if you feel the tears starting during a happy occasion or any other time in which tears aren't expected. I've gone to the ladies room many times while I've struggled with depression, although I'm doing so well now and feel so happy that I haven't cried for quite a while.

The last time I did cry in public, it was at work, when I was sharing an office. My older sister called to tell me my mother was in the hospital. After I hung up the phone, I cried in front of my office mate because I was so worried, but she was sensitive to the situation. I then composed myself to get through the day until I could go to the hospital, and I didn't cry when I told my boss and asked for time off - I thought that would be unprofessional. But I saw my boss cry at his mother's funeral, so I think he would have understood if I had cried for my mom. I'm lucky because my boss knows that family comes before work sometimes.


     



 

[Elfqueen13]

I also weep when I watch Ghost and Titanic.

When Titanic hit the theaters I was 6 months into a miserable pregnancy.  I cried so hard my (now ex) husband thought something was wrong with the baby!  I consider movie theaters to be relatively private though and an ok place to cry quietly.

[baconsmom]

I think the only time I really cry in public is at Good Friday during the Veneration of the cross. Usually my mom puts her arm around me and I hide my face because I get all blotchy when I cry.

But I agree that sounds like attention grabbing behavior. Perhaps next time she starts to cry you can just change the subject until she gets herself together.

I cry at Good Friday, too. I thought it was just me!

[Venus193]

I hate to cry in public and as a result I go to the movies alone.  I formed this policy after going to see Gladiator with an old boss and crying when Marcus got home and found his wife and child murdered.

If I find myself about to cry at work I either close my cubicle door or head for the ladies' room.  In a social situation I just head for the bathroom with no fanfare.