Can I borrow your car this weekend?

[Cee_Cee]

I have someone in my life (my husband's daughter) who constantly borrows my car and makes me feel guilty and selfish when I express discomfort with letting her.

Even when I say no, she asks shortly thereafter with an air of "since you didn't do it last time, you have to do it this time." She has not learned just to not ask.

I feel trapped into having to lend it out or be the wicked stepmother. Its not personal though. I've never ever lent my car out my whole life. In fact my husband's son in law (both his daughters are in their 30s) is the same type as me, he doesn't lend his car out either.  But he doesn't get yelled at for "being threatened by the family." Non car-lenders do exist and I've never felt it was an irrational personal choice before. Like I said, its not personal. I work full time and have finally gone back to college. I'm busy. I don't want to keep a chart on my door of when my car will be available and when it won't.

My husband doesn't understand what the big deal is and thinks I should do it just so I don't look spiteful. Its true, not looking spiteful is a good thing, but an even better thing is being able to go to the library when I want to (when I actually get a few hours to spare.) How can I get my husband and his kids to understand that "no" has to start meaning "no" on this issue? I am very close to calling it in stolen next time it is borrowed but I know that won't help.

[hjaye]

Sounds like it is as much a problem with your husband as it is with his daughter.  I've known people like both you and your husband.  Those that have no problems lending their cars, and those who don't lend their car to anyone, ever.

I think you just need to have a good long talk with your husband.  I'm not sure how you can make him understand, maybe you've already tried.  I think something along the lines of:  "I know it does not bother you to lend out your car but it bothers me.  Not because it's your daughter, but because I have never in my whole life been comfortable lending my car to anyone.  that along with the fact that it inconveniences me when I want my car and I discover it has been lent out.  If you cannot abide by my wishes, then I'm afraid I cannot let you have a set of keys to my car"

[Tiamet]

What about insurance issues?  Doesn't it cost more to have more than one driver on the insurance where you live?  I know it does in the UK.  This might make a good excuse.

By the way - if your husband has no problem with lending out vehicles, why doesn't he lend his - maybe you could drop him at work to leave the car free for DSD?

[kakack]

If your husband see no problem lending a car out to his daughters, he should lend his.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  Your car if for your use, not for anyone else.

[caranfin]

My husband doesn't understand what the big deal is and thinks I should do it just so I don't look spiteful.

It would also make you look better in her eyes if you cleaned her house, babysat for free, signed over your paycheck, and mowed her yard. That doesn't mean you should do it. Anyone who thinks you are "spiteful" just because you won't loan them your car has serious issues, and you cannot be held responsible for them.

[FunkyMunky]

My husband doesn't understand what the big deal is and thinks I should do it just so I don't look spiteful.

It would also make you look better in her eyes if you cleaned her house, babysat for free, signed over your paycheck, and mowed her yard. That doesn't mean you should do it. Anyone who thinks you are "spiteful" just because you won't loan them your car has serious issues, and you cannot be held responsible for them.

Agreed. being spiteful would be agreeing to lend DSD the car to get to an exam, then taking off in the car yourself that morning, laughing maniacally. Definitely spiteful, but oh so fun.

[Peppy]

I don't understand why someone in their 30's would need to borrow someone's car.  No - you shouldn't feel bad.

[Niona]

What about insurance issues?  Doesn't it cost more to have more than one driver on the insurance where you live?  I know it does in the UK.  This might make a good excuse.

By the way - if your husband has no problem with lending out vehicles, why doesn't he lend his - maybe you could drop him at work to leave the car free for DSD?

That was my first thought too, the insurance. Is she insured to drive your car? Because if she isn't, it's illegal for her to drive your car. Or is it different in the States?

[caranfin]

What about insurance issues?  Doesn't it cost more to have more than one driver on the insurance where you live?  I know it does in the UK.  This might make a good excuse.

By the way - if your husband has no problem with lending out vehicles, why doesn't he lend his - maybe you could drop him at work to leave the car free for DSD?

That was my first thought too, the insurance. Is she insured to drive your car? Because if she isn't, it's illegal for her to drive your car. Or is it different in the States?

I'm sure it varies. My insurance covers any licensed driver who drives my car with my permission. But, now that I think about it, it may be that it only covers licensed drivers who have their own insurance. OP, does your stepdaughter actually own a car and have insurance? If not, call your agent and find out if you're covered when she drives. This may be the perfect reason (not that you don't already have a perfect reason, but apparently no one else realizes how perfect it is!) not to loan her your car.

[Midnight Kitty]

If your husband thinks loaning out cars is fine, let him loan his car to his daughter.

It's your car and "no" is a complete sentence.  I never would have loaned it to her in the first place, so there would be no bad habits to undo.

I got confused on your family cast of characters:  Is the stepdaughter who wants to borrow your car married to the SIL who doesn't loan his car out?  Or is SIL the BIL of the stepdaughter who borrows cars?

Does your 30-something stepdaughter have her own car?  If not, I doubt she has any insurance of her own.

The only time we have loaned our car out was to a friend who was having lots of service done on her car while we were off island for a week.  We drove to her house & picked her up.  She drove us to the airport & used the car for the week, then picked us up at the airport.  We dropped her off at home.  She sold her expensive, always-needs-service car and bought the same model we have.  We saved over a hundred dollars on airport parking.  A total win-win all around.

[Céline LeChat]

I had the same problem with the ex-girlfriend of my brother. A really nice girl, we're great friends, but she just couldn't understand that our car (my husband's and mine) didn't just rust in the garage. She expected us to lend her our car with no notice. We may even have fabricated a few reasons ("sorry but we're going to see a friend tonight")

When we bought a new car, we thought it would be a good time to enforce a new policy.
"Sorry, we don't feel like lending our new car to anybody."
No other reason is needed. Just be firm on the subject! (and make it clear that it's not personal)

[rashea]

I do loan my car out, but I don't loan it out to everybody. Sorry, my car, my rules. I pay for the car, the insurance, and the gas. That means that I get to make the rules. I love my Grandmother, but she doesn't get to borrow my car. My sister does. That's just how it is. Anyone who bugs me for it loses borrowing privileges.