"Emergency" Phone Calls

[mumma to KMC]

Yesterday my dh "J" and I went to the mall to pick up a gift for my office gift exchange. While dh sat on a bench, entertaining our ds, I fought my way through the crowds at one of the stores. While in the store, I noticed that dh was on his cell but didn't think much of it. I completed my purchase and left the store.

It turns out the call he got was from a woman we know, I will call her "A". This woman hasn't called us for a while, but has known to call us at 7 in the morning for computer help...so that may give you an idea of what sort of person she is. (Unless I am just not a nice person who thinks that printer problems at 7 in the morning aren't a big deal.) "A" told my dh that she needed to go to the ER as soon as possible. So dh said that we would take her. I should also add that "A" has called us to take her to the ER many times in the past for things that weren't emergencies at all and defiantly did not warrant going to the ER. However, this time it COULD have been an real ER and we were near by, so he agreed to it.

We went to her apartment to pick her up, with her son in tow, (He is about 4 or 5) and drove her to the ER. We said that we could watch her son while she was there b/c it really isn't a place for a kid. She jumped at the idea. On the way over to the ER, she tried to make small talk. (At this point we found out the "reason" for her going to the ER, her back hurt. Nothing major, it had been sore for a week, but she felt that maybe it should be checked out.) Back to the "small talk", she never once addressed me with a question. She would ask "J (my dh), is ds walking yet?" he answered and came back with another question, then another, all addressed to "J", completely ignoring me and not paying attention if I interjected something in the conversation.

I guess my question is the next time she calls needing a ride to the ER, what should we do? I don't want to say "Take the ambulance" because I know she can't afford the cost of one. We live in a smaller city that has limited public transportation and her ER trips are almost always after the buses stop running in her area. (Say 5 pm or so.)

Also, short of taking her out back for a friendly meeting with a clue by four, how do I get her to quit drooling over my dh? (BTW, dh is aware of how she "demands" his attention and makes certain that any attention that she gets from him is appropriate to the situation.) He isn't the only man she does this will, she makes cow eyes at any man who talks to her...so I know there is more to it then her just thinking my dh is a wonderful catch and trying to land him herself. (Ain't gonna happen)

[Gwywnnydd]

The answer to both your questions is simple. Next time she calls for help, the answer needs to be "No."

If she's told to call an ambulance, I bet the trip to the ER wont happen (and if it does, it'll be because she really needs it, not because she wants attention).
I have known many women (and men) like this, and sadly the only way they will get the message is to cut them off. They will NOT respond to gentle hints, they will appalled, Apalled I say! at the implication that they're making up needs in order to get attention. The only thing that works is a firm, consistent "No." Offer alternatives, but nothing that involves you (or your DH)helping her. She'll get upset, yeah, but frankly? Tough. She wore out her welcome a long time ago, I bet . 

[MelJill]

I'd ask a lot more questions before committing to take "A" to the ER again, because it sounds like she doesn't know how to tell an emergency from a non-emergency. 

Questions like:  "When did this start?" (A week ago? Just thinks it needs to be 'looked at'?  Sounds like it can wait until the bus is running again.)  But I'll concur w/ Gwynwnnydd and say that it's probably better to just take the simplest course of action, and when she calls asking for help, say "No, can't do it." and if it's a request for a ride to an ER "Call an ambulance or wait til the bus runs again."

Of course, I'm still livid w/ my dh's idiot friend who called yesterday at 6:30-freaking-AM!  Who does that unless it is life or death?!  (DH had said 'just let it go,' but the blasted phone ringing already woke me up, and there is some worry that it could be news about my grandfather ...)

[Rei-chan]

I would suggest talking with this woman about boundaries first.  Just state as politely as you can that the early morning phone calls are not appreciated and that while you understand her situation as far as calling an ambulance goes, you are not her personal taxi service for non emergency situations.  It is my thinking that if you confront her directly about the situation she will either realize that her behavior is wrong or she will get mad enough that she will leave you alone.  If things continue, you may have to get stern with her.

[Chartreuse]

I'd ask a lot more questions before committing to take "A" to the ER again, because it sounds like she doesn't know how to tell an emergency from a non-emergency.

Yup.  Is there any way to politely give her the following URL?  http://www.thehealthpages.com/articles/ar-erinf.html  ("Before you go to the ER, read this")  This page has a good list of symptoms that are potentially life threatening and should warrant a trip to the ER, as well as other symptoms that need looking at, but are a waste of the ER staff's time.

There are few things that upset me more than people who needlessly clog up the Emergency Room.  A couple of days ago, a friend from another forum had to take his pregnant wife in to the ER because she started showing signs of an impending miscarriage.  Due to crappy triage and an ER waiting room full of people there with complaints like having the flu or an earache, his wife sat there in a growing puddle of her own blood for over six hours.  Due to being busy and twice screwing up procedures, it took nine hours before they actually got around to doing an ultrasound to check on the status of the child.  The good news is that the baby and mother are alright and the vaginal bleeding was due to something else.  This is the state of ERs all over the US.  Those who NEED to be seen often are neglected for near inexcusable periods of time, simply because ERs are clogged up with patients who should not be there.  If you are not dying or SERIOUSLY wounded, get out of the ER.  By being there, you are putting others' lives at risk and seriously taxing a stressed out medical staff.  Most major cities have urgent care facilities and a lot of doctor's offices have after hour answering services if you just have to talk to somebody about your backache...  G'ah. 

You're a nicer person than me.  I probably would have told off your "friend" when I found out her "emergency".     Just say no next time.  If she has the gall to question it (which those who have the nerve to act like this generally will do), be honest that you feel taken advantage of in these situations.  Point out that you are not public transit.  I've had "friends" like this before.  They'll use you as long as you allow them to.  Considering that it sounds like you only hear from her when she needs something, she's not a friend.

[graceh9]

start by not answering her calls -- note who is on the line and don't pick up

if by chance she does get through to your husband, he should say 'I'm sorry, I can't do it, you will have to get a cab or call someone else'  (NO explanation, just 'I can't' and
'it just isn't possible this afternoon'  etc

she has had her two or three 'cry wolfs'  -- if she is bleeding profusely she can call an ambulence  -- if it were a real emergency the cost of the ambulance would be the least of her worries -- and flirting with your husband would not be a priority

and should you be tempted to take her out of fear that it might be a real emergency YOU do it -- because 'my husband is busy, but I can run you over to the ER' --

[Tabris]

Ditto to Grace!  If she calls, then only YOU can drive her, not your husband, and you can't stay with her there because of whatever--you can only drop her off and then leave. Sorry, you woon't be able to drive her home afterward. Nope, won't be able to watch the kid. Oh, you don't really need to go any longer? Funny that.

[sammycat]

I second all the advice to just say "no" next time, and I'm sure there will be a next time.   As another poster said, if it is a real emergency then the cost of the ambulance will be the least of her worries.

Has she tried this getting driven to the ER trick on other people, or does she only save it for you, or more precisely, your DH?  She sounds rather lonely, and making up these trips to the ER could be an attention seeking thing.  But that is not YOUR problem.  I know it can be hard to say 'no' in situations like this, but after the first time it does get easier.

Does she only contact your family when she knows your DH will be around or is she happy to see you on your own also?  And kudos to your DH for being able to see right through her!

[Clara Bow]

Please do not encourage this woman's abuse of ER facilities!! The ER is for EMERGENCIES, not your sore back or your infected hangnails or whatever...there are walk-in clinics for that.
I think I agree with the above posters. A simple no will suffice. If she's having a real life threatening emergency that cannot wait, EMS is the better choice as they have equipment and training to deal with emergencies that you and your dh do not.
I think I would start intercepting her calls, and you may consider turning you phone off at night. If she sees that you've cottoned on to her crush on hubby, she may get embarrassed and back off.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I guess my question is the next time she calls needing a ride to the ER, what should we do? I don't want to say "Take the ambulance" because I know she can't afford the cost of one. We live in a smaller city that has limited public transportation and her ER trips are almost always after the buses stop running in her area. (Say 5 pm or so.)

Also, short of taking her out back for a friendly meeting with a clue by four, how do I get her to quit drooling over my dh? (BTW, dh is aware of how she "demands" his attention and makes certain that any attention that she gets from him is appropriate to the situation.) He isn't the only man she does this will, she makes cow eyes at any man who talks to her...so I know there is more to it then her just thinking my dh is a wonderful catch and trying to land him herself. (Ain't gonna happen)

The fact that the calls are after convenient bus times is not an accident.
You cant stop her from drooling over your DH, but you can give her less opportunity (no opportunity?) to do so.

The answer to both your questions is simple. Next time she calls for help, the answer needs to be "No."

If she's told to call an ambulance, I bet the trip to the ER wont happen (and if it does, it'll be because she really needs it, not because she wants attention).
I have known many women (and men) like this, and sadly the only way they will get the message is to cut them off. They will NOT respond to gentle hints, they will appalled, Apalled I say! at the implication that they're making up needs in order to get attention. The only thing that works is a firm, consistent "No." Offer alternatives, but nothing that involves you (or your DH)helping her. She'll get upset, yeah, but frankly? Tough. She wore out her welcome a long time ago, I bet . 

this is so true - be prepared for her to get pretty nasty, but people like this dont respond to hints, or even blunt discussions, it is a way of life for them, a pattern of behavior that will long outlast your admonishment. 

"No" is the only appropriate and effective answer.

[djinnidjream]

Honey, we must have the same friend.  I use the term rather loosely, since she only calls my DH and talks to him.  DH has taken her to the ER at least twice, but he now asks what the problem is before he takes her (she does have a medical problem that can sometimes warrent an ER trip).  She also calls at inconvenient times for computer problems and because she gets lonely.  If DH ignores the phone, she'll leave a message and then call back 10 minutes later to see if he got it.

I wouldn't worry about saying no, because if she can afford an ER visit, she can afford an ambulance or a cab to the hospital.  Frankly, if she can take the time to call someone, and not be 100% sure they will say yes, she probably does not need an ER visit.  Crying wolf will bite her in the butt sometime.

[Hawkwatcher]

I agree with the other posters who advised you to say "no" the next time she calls.  She is an adult.  She needs to not only what a real emergency is but also how to fix her own printer.  As for her not having money for an ambulance, that is not your problem. 

As for getting her to stop drooling after your husband, the next you are all at a party together, your husband could make an innocent comment about how helpless women completely turn him off and that one of the many things he likes about you is your ability to take care of herself.  Hopefully, she will be smart enough to get the message.

[Lady Vavasour]

Don't be a party to this woman's misuse of emergency care. Just tell her "no." As an adult she should be more than capable of taking herself (in a taxi, say) to an after hours clinic if her non-emergency complaint can't wait until normal working hours.

[Lisbeth]

You and your husband need to set boundaries with this woman.

First, if she calls at an inappropriate time, do not take the call.

Second, if she calls asking for what turns out to be unreasonable help, refuse to give it.  This woman is an adult and needs to be aware that just because she flirts with a man does not entitle her to his help on demand.

[JoyinVirginia]

I want to add my vote to all the others.
Tell her to call the ambulance. If she cannot afford one, maybe she will think twice about going to ER for a minor concern. As long as you keep providing her transport, and as long as your DH answers her "emergency" calls, this behavior will continue.
As i have learned here, NO is a complete sentence and you should use it - frequently - with this person.
Joy in Virginia