Difficult Question

[Pixie]

Question, when a parent has lost a child, are they still a parent? 

I  ask because years ago, my only biological child was stillborn.  About 10 years later my husband and I were discussing our plans for Mother's Day with another couple.  The Husband looked at me and said, "YOU can't celebrate Mother's Day, you're not a mother."

This hurt me on many levels, one it reminded me that I would never have a biological child. Two, this couple had a 4 year old child, so it was kind of rubbing it in my face that their child was healthy while mine was dead. Three, it was just a very hateful thing to say.

So, am I a mother or not?  I know I am now as we have adopted 3 beautiful children, but.... am I still my son's mother?   Any thoughts?

[Alida]

Yes, I think a woman who has lost a child is still a parent.

{{{Pixie}}}

[ShadesOfGrey]

I am appalled that someone would say this to you. 

I am so sorry that you did not have the benefit of spending many, many years with your child, and I wish you the best with your family. 

This man should be very, very sorry that he said those words. 

[Cydrius]

Wow. How uncaring. rude, foot-in-mouth, mean-hearted and stupid was that? I would probably have eploded in insults at this man...

Of course you are still your son's mother. ^^

[sammycat]

I am so sorry about the loss of your son, and that you had to hear something like that.  Yes, you still are his mother. 

What that man said was very cruel and unnecessary (and untrue).  Are you still in contact with these poeple?

Last year a close friend of mine lost her 3rd child at the age of 1 month old.  I still consider her to be a mother of 3 but she has said so many people refuse to acknowlegde that her baby even existed let alone was "worth" grieving over as she was so young, especially as she never left the hospital.  I find that attitude to be abhorent, as any baby born, whether it's alive, stillborn or dies at a very young age still makes you a parent IMHO.

12 years ago I lost my first pregnancy as it was ectopic. A few weeks later I was at a function when a woman I hardly knew but didn't like anyway told me I had better start having children soon.  I was so hurt and wish that I had said to her that it wasn't as though I wasn't TRYING, just to see if it would have wiped the smug look off her face.  She had 4 kids and they were the worst behaved children there.  Apples didn't fall far from the tree.

[Twik]

You've given birth.

You're raising three children.

By what twisted logic would he consider you not to be a mother? By what twisted emotion would he say such a thing to you, even if he thought it?

The mind boggles. I hope you no longer socialize with such cretins.

[sempronialou]

You are a mother forever and always no matter what.  I am so sorry that person said such a rude and insensitive thing.  I can't believe how inconsiderate people can be sometimes.

I worked with a woman who often described herself as a mother of 5.  I knew she talked about 4 of her children.  I couldn't for the longest time figure out who the fifth child was until a coworker who is close to her talked about her having a miscarriage.  It finally made sense and it didn't change anything in my mind. She is still a mother of 5. 

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

Of course you are. What a horrible, nasty thing that guy said to you!

Being a mother is biological, but also familial. I give my godmother a card every day on Mother's Day and it thrills her no end. She could never have children (and desperately wanted them) so I think it helps her a bit.

My friend Thandi I jokingly refer to as "my child" because I was already 9 when she was born, and I always felt motherly towards her. And she gives me a gift every Mother's Day, too, and it really means a lot to me.

I don't understand some people's need to be so judgemental and plain *mean*.

[Adah]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still your son's mother, just as any mother who had a child taken away from them through terminal illness or accident would still be their mother after they were gone.

Did this person know about your stillborn child?

[Mrs. Eclipse]

I remember reading an advice column asking this same question.  Only the person writing said that the person claiming they weren't a mother went so far as to tell people that the writer wasn't right in the head.  Sheesh.

I don't remember the entire reply, but the best part was, "Of course you're a mother.  You're the mother of an angel."

I don't know what your belief are, but I thought that was really touching.

[IndianInlaw]

Of course you're this child's mother.  Who else would be?  If you want to be technical, your hospital records indictate this is so and hospital records are legal documents.

The issue here, is not whether or not you are the baby's mother, but what a flaming idiot this guy was and most likely still is.

Where on EARTH does he get off telling people who does and does not qualify as a parent?  Who appointed or annointed him to make the determination?

And WHY does he consider it his business?  Is this his mission in life?

And WHY would he even say it to a person who lost a child?  WHO DOES THAT?  REALLY!  WHO WOULD SAY SUCH A CRUEL THING?  Talk about kicking someone while they're down.

Was his unfortunate wife wearing a t shirt that said "I'm With Stupid"?   Okay, she didn't have to as he was certainly ready, willing and able to advertise that fact on his own.  

Send me his name and address.  I'll take a lead pipe to him.

Idiot.

[mumma to KMC]

Just wanted to add my two cents.

Of course you are still a mother. And the blockhead who said that to you needs to be hit over the head with a clue by four!

I miscarried my first child but when people ask how many children I have, I say 3. And when they ask about the third one, I let them know she is in heaven. I do know from experience that most people get very uncomfortable when I answer that way, however no matter how short of time I had her with me she was still mine. Just as your little one is still yours. You carried him, you got to know him and shared a bond with him. He is your child and will always be your child.

Lots of hugs your way!

[Twik]

Even if you'd never had a biological child, anyone who'd tell an adoptive mother of three that she wasn't a real enough mother to celebrate Mother's Day is so far out of line, they're circular. 

[Katharine]

I'm very sorry about your loss. Of course you are a mother times 4.

I'm confused about the adoption thing most I think. What exactly does this jerk think you are to them? Friend? Helper? Nanny?



edit for spelling

[Sirius]

Question, when a parent has lost a child, are they still a parent? 

I  ask because years ago, my only biological child was stillborn.  About 10 years later my husband and I were discussing our plans for Mother's Day with another couple.  The Husband looked at me and said, "YOU can't celebrate Mother's Day, you're not a mother."

This hurt me on many levels, one it reminded me that I would never have a biological child. Two, this couple had a 4 year old child, so it was kind of rubbing it in my face that their child was healthy while mine was dead. Three, it was just a very hateful thing to say.

So, am I a mother or not?  I know I am now as we have adopted 3 beautiful children, but.... am I still my son's mother?   Any thoughts?

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I'd have blistered that dad's eardrums and told him exactly what I thought of his opinion (but I'm not known for my tact.)  For one thing, you are too a mom; you've got three beautiful children.  Whether biological or adopted makes no difference, they're still your children and you're raising them.  You also had a biological child who is no longer with you, but that doesn't mean you never had one. 

Birth moms, adoptive moms, foster moms, honorary moms - They all deserve to celebrate Mother's Day.